We're All Just Victims of a Crime

After we had finished our cigarettes I had helped him back upstairs, despite the fact that he said he remembered the way. I mean, who lets a blind person just randomly walk around? Especially when there are stairs?

Now we were sitting in the kitchen, enveloped in an awkward silence and I could tell by the expression on his face that he wasn’t going to be the one to break the ice. He could sit there all day and he wouldn’t care. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what. I wasn’t the best at explaining things and I didn’t want him even angrier with me. I already felt like I was walking on ice around him and I didn’t want it to break anytime soon, especially when I knew I couldn’t lose him.

“Are you hungry?” I finally asked, trying to strike up some form of conversation.

“No.” he was his quick response, not moving from his spot.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Pissed is more like it.” I sighed slouching in my chair and continued to watch him. He wasn’t bluffing, his jaw was stiff, his posture the same way.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.

“I don’t believe that anymore. You’ve told me that and left me, in a fucking hospital might I add.”he snapped at the end.

Frowning I looked down at the table, my hands fidgeting in my lap. I cleared my throat sitting back up straight and rested my crossed arms on the table.

“I’ve done stupid things... I know.” he rolled his eyes.

“Took you long enough.” he grumbled crossing his arms over his chest.

I opened my mouth to say something but was caught off guard by the phone ringing. Shutting my mouth I scooted back from the table and headed over to the counter picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey buddy, you’re home!” Bob laughed and I could hear my brother in the background shouting something, but it was too loud to understand.

“So did you see who was in your room?” I leaned against the counter looking over at him.

“Yeah, thanks for that.” I sighed.

“I’m just trying to help. Look we’re on our way back are you guys hungry?”

“No.” I replied.

“But you didn’t even ask Frank, don’t be a shitty friend Gerard and ask.” I rolled my eyes pulling the phone from my ear and looked over at Frank.

“Bob wants to know if you’re hungry.” he shook his head and I told him no.

“Ok, we’ll be back in about twenty minutes then. Bye,” and he hung up.

Putting the phone back in its cradle I walked back over to my seat, only this time I moved it right in front of him and sat down, leaning forward on my elbows.

“I... I want to fix this.” I told him quietly.

“Oh! Now you want to fix this!? What the hell Gerard? I’ve tried to fix this, Mikey has, even Bob! But you wouldn’t give us the time of day! You were in your own fucking world where you thought we were better off without you! But now, suddenly you want things to be better?” he yelled startling me.

“I know Frank. Okay... I’ve been a royal ass and I’m trying to make up for it. So will you please just let me try and fix everything I’ve done wrong?” he was quiet for a few seconds and then shook his head.

“I don’t think I want you to fix things anymore Gerard.”

“What?” I choked looking at him, praying that he would crack a smile and laugh telling me that he was just giving me a hard time, but he didn’t.

“You don’t mean that. Right? You wanted us to be together again Frank! Just a few days ago you wanted this to work. Why now... all of a sudden do you not want me?” I eagerly asked, needing a reason.

“You were right, you don’t deserve me. I don’t deserve to have someone tell me they’ll be there when they know how much I need them... and then just leave me when I’m asleep. I don’t need you Gerard. I went through so much stuff, so much shit that you’ll never know about and all you did was throw it back in my face.” his voice was hard as he told me, eyes consumed in anger.

“Do you mean that?” I managed, my chest tight.

When he nodded, I sat there for a moment. Thinking about what he had just said, not caring about the tears that seemed to be sliding down my face and hitting my jeans. He didn’t want me anymore, and it was my fault because I had pushed him away.

“Ok then,” I breathed wiping my eyes and stood up with shaky legs.

I walked into my room and shut the door quietly before falling back against it. The tears no longer slow, and straying, but now like a heavy rain. I slid down till I hit the ground, my legs sprawled out on the floor in front of me.

For years I had hated myself, and I never thought I could feel more lifeless than I had been back then, but I was wrong. I was so wrong, because even how I felt then seems like a paradise compared to now. Feeling... I couldn’t even describe it, as if there was no word to fully live up to my emotions as of now. My chest was still tight, like if I merely pricked it with a needle it would simply explode and I would die. My limbs felt like anchors that wouldn’t let me move, but just sit there as if I was nothing.

I never imagined it would feel like this when I was trying to push him away from me. I thought that I would be happy, relieved that I couldn’t hurt him, not like he had single handedly reached inside and twisted what happiness I had left. Leaving me empty on my bedroom floor while he sat only so far away not seeing the mess that he once said he loved, that he once wanted.

I don’t know how long I sat there before I heard slow footsteps in the hall. Ignoring them as they got closer, even as my door knob turned. Whoever it was pushed on it, but it didn’t move seeing as I was still laying against it.

“Gerard?” I blinked hearing his voice and sat forward, causing the door to fall open and he stumbled into it.

“Sorry.” I sniffled as he made his way in and shut the door so I could lean back up against it.

“Why are you on the floor?” he asked as his foot hit my leg.

When I didn’t answer him he sat down next to me, close enough that our bodies brushed up against each other.

“Did it hurt?” I was taken back by the question and frowned.

“What kind of question is that Frank?” I choked looking at him.

“Did it hurt? What I said, did it hurt you?” he asked again.

“Of course it fucking hurt! Why the hell wouldn’t it hurt?” I wiped my eyes and looked away. He rested his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my left arm.

“Now you know how I felt when you pushed me away.” I looked down at him.

“So you said that to get back at me? You didn’t mean any of it?” he shook his head and laughed softly.

“No, I love you. Don’t you remember that?” I sighed dropping my head and closed my eyes. Relief filled my body and I felt like I could finally breathe.

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” I mumbled and he laughed again.

“I only did what you did, I just used different forms of words. It still hurt Gerard... even when you tried to be nice about it.” he explained leaning his body against mine even more.

“I want this to work, I want to fix whatever the hell is wrong between us. But if you don’t open up to me, if you don’t trust me to be okay around you, then we can’t do this. So you need to promise me, right now, that we can make this work. Because I’m better when you’re around Gerard, not when you’re gone. I need you, and I love you... but I can’t be with someone who pushes people away.” he explained tightening his grip, I laced my fingers with his and kissed his forehead softly.

“I promise Frankie.” I whispered.

We stayed there for a while, and I was sure he had fallen asleep, looking down only proved that I was right. Moving out from under him I scooped him up in my arms and walked him over to my bed, laying him down. When I went to pull away he reached out with a lazy hand and catching my shirt.

“What is it?” I took his hand and held it.

“Stay,” he mumbled quietly pulling me towards him. Letting go of his hand I laid down on my bed and he climbed up on top of me, burying his face in my chest.

“Comfy?” I whispered and he nodded.

“Frankie?” he made a sound in response gripping a fist full of my shirt.

“I love you.” I rested my arms on the lower part of his back and watched as the smile crept along his lips as he fell back into his sleep.