Be My Escape

If you had asked me a month ago—before I got to England and before I met Josh or Max or anyone else—if I would be going on dates with random English boys, I would have laughed and said no so fast your head would have spun.

But here I was, getting ready to go on a date with Josh.

It really was bizarre, considering the fact that only a few weeks prior Josh and I had hated each other. I was still skeptical of Josh’s intentions for this date, and I was actually rather certain that the only reason we were going out was so he could prove once and for all that he was completely and totally over Beth. I didn’t think he had any feelings for me whatsoever. I mean come on; I was still questioning our friendship and whether it was real or not. Could you blame me though?

I was going to try and have fun though, because I did want to be friends with Josh. I hated having him as my enemy, because it honestly wore me out. I didn’t have the energy to fight with him any more, and this was our only other option.

As I stood in the middle of my bedroom trying to figure out what to wear, I was still trying to give myself a pep talk, to reassure myself that this was going to be fine, that our date would be fine. But it was really hard. When I finally decided on a pair of skinny jeans, a red blouse, my jeans jacket, and my zebra print flats, I went and threw some makeup on and finished getting ready.

Just as I was spraying gel in my damp hair and scrunching it, there was a knock on the front door. “Coming!” I yelled, hurrying out to the front hall. I had a quick peek in the peephole just to make sure it was who I knew it would be, and then I opened the door. I smiled at him and said, “Hi.”

“’Ello Peyt,” he smiled back. “Ready?”

I shook my head. “Almost!” I reassured him after he gave me a skeptical look. “I just have to grab my purse. Hold on.” I ran back inside and grabbed my purse off my bed before returning to the front hall. “Okay, now I am.”

“Wonderful. Shall we?”

I nodded as we both stepped out into the hall and I locked my door. Let the night begin.

***

“So how was work today? No changes?” Josh asked me as we both picked at our salads. He had decided on an Italian restaurant, which was good because it was my favorite next to sushi.

I shrugged as I speared a piece of lettuce and popped the fork in my mouth. “Not really,” I admitted once I had swallowed. “I mean, Beth didn’t say anything and Jake is still avoiding me like the plague thank God, so I guess it’s not too bad. It’s just so awkward.”

He shook his head as he looked down at the table. “I’m sorry, Peyt. This is my fault. I wish I could fix it for you.”

I just shrugged again. “It’s not your fault Beth is a bitch and Jake was a user. It’s alright Josh, I’m a big girl. I can handle myself.” I smiled at him so he knew I wasn’t scolding him, despite the fact that my voice had taken on such a tone. He returned the smile and then we fell into an easy silence while we finished our salads.

“So how’s the record going?” I asked Josh suddenly, realizing Max hadn’t brought it up much in the past few days, which surprised me. I hoped everything was still going okay.

“Great, actually. We still need a few songs and we need to work on some stuff, but it’s going really smooth. I’m excited for it,” he grinned like a five year old on Christmas morning, and it hit me then just how passionate Josh and the guys were about their music. It was refreshing, because most of the guys I had come across weren’t really passionate about anything except drinking and girls.

I grinned at him as our waiter finally brought us out our dinners. He looked at me skeptically but didn’t say anything until the waiter left. “What?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

Shaking my head, I laughed. “Nothing, it’s just fun to watch you talk about the band or even music in general.”

“Why?”

“You’re so passionate about it, your whole face lights up when you talk.” I shrugged then, realizing how weird I sounded. “I don’t know, it’s just nice to see someone be to into something.”

He just smiled at me but didn’t say anything, which made me a little uneasy. But I ignored it and started to eat my dinner.

We were relatively quiet throughout dinner, but it was an easy silence that had enveloped us, and really the only reason was because we were eating. When we finally finished, we sat for a little longer and continued to talk. “So what are the bands plans once the record is finished?” I asked Josh as I pushed my plate away and then took a drink of my Coke.

“We’re going on the last leg of the Vans Warped Tour over in the states towards the end of July or the beginning of August, which is really exciting.” He shrugged. “I’m just ready to be out on the road again. I love recording and I’m stoked for the new record, but I love playing shows more. You know?”

I nodded, even if I didn’t know exactly.

We left a little while after, but took our time getting back to our building. We talked more, answering questions and just getting to know each other, which was nice. When we weren’t fighting or yelling at each other, I actually realized we had a lot in common.

As we were walking, we passed a little ice cream shop. “Oh my god, can we?” I exclaimed, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk as I gripped Josh’s arm to stop him too.

“You aren’t seriously hungry?” he asked in amazement.

I gave him a look that said, yeah I am, so what? and he just shook his head in amazement. “Come on,” he said, guiding me into the shop finally, which earned a squeal from me.

Once we ordered our ice cream—chocolate for me and vanilla for Josh—we left, considering it was almost ten at night and the shop was getting ready to close. As we were walking and I was licking the melting ice cream from my cone, I felt Josh’s hand bump into mine. I grinned and looked at him out of the corner of my eyes, and he just laughed. Then he full on grabbed my hand and held it as we kept walking down the sidewalk.

“Smooth move, Franceschi,” I laughed, shaking my head.

“I try,” he grinned cheekily back.

I didn’t pull my hand away though, because I liked Josh holding it. I liked the feeling of being wanted again, because the last time I felt it, it was with Jake and we all know how that turned out for me.

Then I was hit with a realization though, and I was no longer happy.

Josh and I weren’t on a date. He was here to prove to me that he was over Beth, I was almost certain of it. Why else would he ask me out so unexpectedly? We weren’t couple material. Just because we weren’t fighting tonight didn’t mean shit. I jerked my hand away then, stopping on the sidewalk to face Josh. “What’s the matter?” he asked me when he realized I wasn’t with him anymore. Confusion covered his face, but I was sure he was just being a good actor.

“I’ve been used once, and it’s not going to happen again,” I told him coldly. “You know, you didn’t have to use me to show me you were over Beth. It’s not the important to me if you are or aren’t, alright?” I lied to him, because it was important. Deep down, I knew it was important, because I felt bad for him. I wanted Josh to be over Beth because I didn’t want him hurting anymore.

“What are you talkin’ about Peyton?” he asked me incredulously, and I knew right then that the fighting was going to start. I knew we wouldn’t make it through the night without fighting. It just wasn’t possible for us.

“Why did you ask me out?” I asked him as I narrowed my eyes.

“I—er, what kind of question is that?” he said, stumbling over his words. He obviously wasn’t a good liar.

“A simple one, stupid. You asked me out because you wanted to show me you were over Beth. Either that or you want to use me to get over Beth.” I shook my head and looked down at the ground. “You can’t use me like that Josh. It’s not fair.”

He groaned in frustration and ran his fingers through his hair before shaking it out, the same stupid habit he’d been doing ever since we first met. “You’re so unbelievable Peyton. You’ve got yourself closed off to much that you can’t let anyone in. You don’t see the good in absolutely anyone. I can’t even believe you’d accuse me of usin’ you.”

I just shook my head. “Just a bunch of words, Josh.” I didn’t give him time to respond before I scurried past him and hurried towards our building only a block or so away.

I never thought he'd follow me. I mean, I knew he'd come back, but I didn't think he'd come after me specifically. But he did. It took him a little while, but for once Josh came after me.

I was shocked at first. Most of the time when Josh and I fought and one of us ran off, that was it. That was the end of it. But this was different. When I got back to my flat, I was in the process of washing the makeup off my face when there was an urgent knock on the front door. I walked lazily over and didn't look in the peephole before opening the door.

He didn't even give me any time to react. He hardly gave me any time to register what was happening. Because when I opened the door to reveal Josh, he was on me so fast my head spun.

His hands immediately found my face while his lips attached to my own. I tried to protest at first, but as our lips fused together and I remembered how nice it had felt the first time we had done this, I didn't even bother. I let his lips attach to mine while his hands stayed on either side of my cheek and my own wrapped around his neck.

He kicked the door shut and we made our way into the living room, but the whole time our lips never separated. He collapsed on the couch while I stood in front of him; I didn't make a move to sit down until his lips moved down to my neck. And then I straddled him. And then it was like a dam broke.

I couldn't help but squirm on top of him as his hands roamed all over my body, finding their way under my blouse while my own tangled in his hair. He groaned against my lips, but didn't make a move to stop.

Just as I pulled my face back to attach my own lips to his neck, he groaned again. "Stop," he said weakly, obviously not meaning it.

"Hmm?" I giggled (yes, I actually giggled) against his skin, not making any move to do as he requested.

"St--we have to stop," he whined as I nibbled his skin softly.

I sighed this time and pulled back, only because he was shoving me back softly at the shoulders. I didn't move from my spot on his lap though, trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible. "You're fucking kidding me right now Josh. Twice? Really? Why do you do this?" I asked as I climbed off of him. I was pissed now. "You're fucking using me and you don't even know it."

"I'm using you?" he yelled unexpectedly. "You're fuckin' serious Peyton? I'm in no way usin' you. I stopped because you're only usin' me to get over that prick of a boyfriend by the name of Jake."

My mouth dropped. I didn't have time to say anything before Josh was at it again.

"I went out with you tonight because I wanted to. I kissed you just now because I wanted to. There's no usin' on my part, but if anyone's usin' anyone it's you usin' me."

"You wanted to kiss me now, but you wouldn't kiss me the other day? Yeah, that makes sense," I scoffed, rolling my eyes. I crossed my arms defensively in front of my chest.

"You don't know anything Peyton. You're so fuckin' oblivious to everything. I don't play any games."

We stood there for a minute, silently glaring at each other and sending each other death stares. Finally, Josh sighed and spoke. "I haven't played games with you from day one Peyt, why would I start now?"

"Why do you stop then?" I blurted out.

"Because you don't want this," he answered simply. He gave me one last sad look before brushing by me and walking towards the door.

I had to stop him; I wasn't sure why, but I had to get him to not leave. "I'm not using you!" I blurted out again. It wasn't much, but it got him to stop at least, which was all I needed.

"I'm fucked up, Josh. I'll be the first to admit that. But I would never use you. I only kiss people if I want to kiss them," I told him shyly. I felt like a fourth grader admitting her crush, but I had to do it.

"Really Peyt? Because if that's not the truth, let me walk away right now and we'll forget any of this ever happened."

I didn't say anything else of length. I didn't explain any further or tell him any more about me or why I was fucked up or anything of that sort. Instead, as we stood in front of the door, I looked at Josh sadly and said simply, "Don't go."

It wasn't much and it didn't answer any questions right then, but it would do for now.