Memories That Vanished

"Never feared for anything
Never shamed but never free
A light that healed a broken heart,
With all the it could..." I sang along effortlessly as I cooked the next morning around 10 AM. Vladimir had decided to roll out of bed and was begging for something to eat as I laid on the couch with Landon laying on my chest listening to me as I read quietly like I always had.
I had sighed and pulled Landon up with me, discarded the book, and walked into the kitchen to attempt to cook a healthy meal for the two rowdy boys as they raced around the living room, leaving a tornado sized mess in their path.
"Food!" I called as I set three full plates down onto the kitchen table. I heard the stampede of food steps as they ran into the kitchen.
"Thanks Momma,' said Vladimir as he threw himself into his chair and Landon stood by his, waiting for me to help him up into it. Breakfast was cut short when Johnny called and told us that he was having a barbie-que. At first I denied, saying we had things to do, but soon enough I was caught in that lie and he told me that I was coming. End of story.
And if I said I wasn't nervous to see Matt after what happened three days ago at the hospital, I would be a liar. But for the sake of my boys, Matt included, I drove over to Johnny and Lacey's place at exactly 1:15, sighing when I noticed that Matt's car wasn't there yet. Johnny didn't have a pool at his house to we basically hung around inside of the game room anxiously. I had no doubt in my mind that Matt had told one of the guys what happened and it seemed to spread like wild fire from there. So I knew that everyone else knew that I had a perfect chance to tell me husband that he is... my husband, and I didn't take it because of fear.
"Hey Bryn!" Zacky greeted as he came walking in with his recently absent girlfriend, Gena.
"Hey guys," I couldn't help the smile in my voice as I walked over and pulled Gena into a giant hug, "How was visiting your parents in Wisconsin?"
Gena grinned and nodded quickly, "It was great! My sister had her baby, a girl, and I got to see my little brother again. All is well,"
I nodded my head slowly, the pain in my heart picking up again when I realized that, truly, nothing was going well for me since Gena had left the day before Matt woke up, the first time.
"Auntie Gena!" Vladimir yelled, finally pulling himself away from the racing game long enough to notice someone else in the room, "I missed you!" He ran over to her and she pulled him into her arms in a hug.
"I missed you too!" She grinned, ruffling his hair before he ran off again, determined to teach his younger brother to play some game that the younger boy wasn't quite old enough to understand.
Brian showed up next with Michelle and surprisingly, Valary.
"Hey," I stuttered in shock, waving my hand at the three of them. Michelle offered me a nervous smile back as did Brian. Valary looked at me, then the boys, then walked over to me and pulled me into a tense hug.
"Hi Bryn," She murmured after we had pulled away, "Hi boys!"
Vladimir and Landon payed her no attention as they continued to move from game to game with Johnny.
"Hey Val," I said uneasily, fumbling with a lose thread on my jeans.
"How are you?" She asked like nothing had happened between us.
I rubbed my arms, trying to get the chill to leave me before I answered, "Not so good,"
"I see," She sent me another calming smile before she walked away over to Lacey. Michelle and Gena walked over to me soon after and we began talking about Michelle and Brian's new baby, seeing as Gena hadn't gotten a chance to actually hear about it, only from Zacky when he relayed it to her afterwards.
"We don't know what it is yet," Michelle ranted excitedly, "But Brian is so excited. He came home yesterday and was talking about all the things that he would get to do with his child,"
Gena 'awed' and then said, "Brian is such a softy! I'm so excited for you both!"

I was excited too but my mind was far from Michelle's good fortune when Matt came walking into the room, black jeans almost tight against his legs and a t'shirt that I had never seen him wear before adorning his chest, his arms bare. Matt's familiar lip ring was gone for the day and when he looked up he smiled a breath-taking smile to Johnny, his deep dimples appearing on his face when he laughed at something Brian said in greeting. Matt looked the other way when two young, blonde boys, when racing towards him, each one throwing themselves against him and latching their arms around his waist.
Matt grinned wider and said hello to each of them individually, oblivious to the similarities in their smiles, their deep dimples. I smiled slightly when Matt reached down to pick up Landon.
But the word that came out of my two year old's mouth made my breathing hitch and my heart stop. As Matt looked down at him in shock, his built body completely freezing as Vladimir scolded his younger brother. I watched as Matt's expression changed from shock, to confusion and finally he looked up to me, his beautiful hazel eyes meeting my own eyes and staring into them as if he was searching for the truth.
I looked to the floor as Vladimir yelled at a crying Landon. Michelle had hurried over and pulled the youngest Sanders sibling from his spot on the hardwood floor. I could feel Matt's eyes on me as he looked between the pale headed boys then to my left hand, third finger, where the simple silver ring sat on my finger. I bit my lip as he saw what I was fumbling with, his simple silver wedding ring.
Before Matt could utter one world I was running to Michelle and pulling the tearful baby from her, grabbing Vladimir's hand and letting the wind blow my hair out behind me as I fled from the room, ignoring the yells of those around me.
I also ignored the cries of protest from my children as I strapped them in as quick as I could and hopped into the front seat, silently thanking God that Matt's new, green hummer wasn't blocking me in.

Rudely, I turned the music on to drown out the boys as they pleaded to go back to Uncle Johnny's. I groaned when Matt's voice blared from the speakers. I hit a series of random buttons and finally the self-titled CD ejected. With out a second thought I grabbed it and tossed it out the window, letting it crash against the black top of Pacific Coast Highway. As we drove quickly to our house I buried the regret that was festering inside at my latest actions.
And when we pulled up outside I didn't even unbuckle the boys as I hurried inside to pack the things we would need for awhile. 15 minutes later I was driving on that very same highway with my cell phone in my hand and shaking fingers dialing a number that I hadn't in seven years.
"Hello? Mom? It's Bryn,"
"Yeah. I'm... I'm on my way home,"