Just Traveling Through

My heart was beating too fast. I was sure it was going to stop at any second, completely sputter out and quit on me. But for now, it kept going at its hummingbird pace. My heart wasn’t my only problem, though. My stomach was tied in multiple knots, my lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, my lips hurt and my brain was drowning. I had managed to put myself in a position I hadn’t been in for quite some time, a position I had never planned on getting back into.

Eric and I had moved from the couch to his room upstairs. He was lying on top of me, his hands greedily exploring every inch of my body as his lips finally moved to my neck. “Oh, god,” I muttered, gasping in as much air as I could. “Eric, I can’t do this to Myles.”

“Amelia,” Eric groaned. “Stop mentioning him.”

I had probably mentioned him four times already, but the thought of stopping our makeup make-out session hadn’t been verbalized yet. He wasn’t fazed by the thought of Myles or the fact that I kept pulling away to mention him.

“Eric,” I whimpered when his hands slipped under the cloth of my shirt. His eyes bored into mine and I felt my stomach flip excitedly. His lips softly ghosted against mine before he barely whispered for me to continue speaking. “This…”

It was wrong to say this couldn’t happen, because oh boy did it feel good and right. My heart hadn’t felt this way since high school, but my brain kept trying to send signals to stop all of these feelings.

“Yes?” he asked softly, pressing his hips against mine. My hand instantly pressed gently against his cheek, running my thumb across his cheekbone as I searched his eyes. I was taken back to his graduation night when we were first faced with the question of going any further. The feelings were all still there, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in this position at all to know that it still existed.

I opened my mouth to speak but his lips filled the spaces. I would never be able to tell him no, and sadly it wouldn’t be because he refused to let me speak.

“I love you, Amelia,” he said softly, one of his hands sliding into my hair.

The front door slammed downstairs and I startled forward, my head smacking into his. He let out a low groan as he grabbed for his forehead, rolling off of me and onto the remaining space of his bed. I pressed one hand against my forehead and grabbed him by the shirt with the other to keep him from rolling off onto the floor and causing a ruckus.

“Do not say that again, okay?” I whispered sternly. He opened his mouth to say something but I let go of his shirt and pressed my hand to his mouth. “Don’t. This is wrong and confusing and I don’t need you adding to it.”

His eyes slowly scanned my face. I had hurt his feelings, I know I had, but it needed to be said. I love him still, but I love Myles too. The feelings I had as a silly teenage girl still lived strong within me, so what did that mean? Was it possible to have a soul mate? And was it possible that Eric was mine? Or was this all a misunderstanding of emotion? Something I had worked up to be true, when in reality it was long gone; a last, desperate attempt at closing this unfinished business without hurting anyone’s feelings and leaving them in the dark yet again?

“Who’s home?” I asked and slowly removed my hand.

“I think it’s Dana,” he answered. “She’s the one who slams the doors now. Well, you slam doors still, too, but that couldn’t have been you.”

I rolled my eyes at his reference to me slamming his door shut in the heat of the moment earlier. I slammed doors, unintentionally, when I was younger, too. He always knew it was me by how hard the door had shut. I never really understood how he figured it out, or why he had taken the time to notice the force I used to close doors, but he had and he always liked to joke about it.

“Did you tell her I came home?” I asked, relaxing when I heard her pass right by his door on the way to her own room at the opposite end of the hall. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him.

“No,” he said softly, kissing me quickly. “I haven’t told anyone but the boys.”

I felt myself leaning toward him as if our lips were magnetized. “I don’t believe that,” I mumbled against him. “You’re such a gossip.”

“Okay,” he laughed, his voice muffled by the kiss. “I told my dad. I promise I didn’t tell Dana.”

It wouldn’t have mattered if he had told his sister or not, really, but I didn’t want her to think it would be okay to tell everyone in town that I was back. I especially didn’t want her to tell everyone in town that I was back and hanging out with her brother all alone in his room. Word would quickly spread and the girls from high school would find out, then they would blab to my sister, who would then tell our parents. And I’m sure at that point somehow word would make way to Australia.

Okay, I didn’t want Dana to know at all.

“Please don’t tell her,” I begged. “She’s a gossip just like you, but unfortunately she tells girls, who tell other girls, who then tell the girls who tormented me, and it becomes a huge mess.”

“Amelia, I didn’t tell Dana,” Eric said seriously.

“I’m just saying,” I sighed heavily. “Don’t let her know.”

Eric nodded slowly. The room filled with silence and I could tell he was thinking as he played with the hem of my shirt. He finally lifted his eyes to mine and asked curiously, “How do you plan on leaving the house?”

“Out the window,” I replied. He looked at me as if I had sprouted another eye. I laughed, “I’m going to leave through your front door, Eric. Jeez.”

“Well I’m just wondering, since you don’t want Dana to know you’re back,” he explained. “Do you want to leave now and go do something fun?”

“Like what?” I asked.

“I dunno,” he said bashfully. “We could go find John. He’s always a good source of entertainment.”

I pondered for a moment. If I stayed in his bed any longer, I’m not sure if I’d be able to control myself, engaged to another man or not. And I hadn’t seen much of the other boys, just the few minutes before their show and a little bit after. Visiting them would be fun. I’d love to hear all about what they’ve been up to, with the band and on their own time. And I’m sure they’re a bit curious as to what I’ve been doing, too.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go find Johno.”

Eric smiled and quickly kissed my forehead. He checked the hallway to make sure Dana was still in her room before we left the safety of his room. He grabbed onto my hand, a gesture I think he did subconsciously, and tugged me down the stairs and outside to his car.

The fluttering hummingbird heartbeat-feeling returned when he didn’t let go of my hand for much longer than to get into his car; he reached over the gearshift and held my hand as he drove along the highway, and he tried again once we were walking up the driveway to John’s house. I swallowed hard as we stood in front of the door, hand-in-hand, waiting for an answer. When the door swung open, I was faced with all of them staring at us from the living room, John grinning at our clasped hands. I was infinitely grateful that I had yet to tell them I was engaged.