Somehow Saving You

I bit my lip before I took a shaky breath. I flipped on the light switch that couldn’t have been touched in at least three moths. I took the steps into my basement slowly, the stairs seemed menacing to my eyes. When I reached the bottom of the staircase I had to flicker another light switch to make the cement walled room bathe in light. In the middle of the room sat what sent chills down my spine every night: my full drum set. It looked exactly like his, just dark purple and no deathbat anywhere.

I slowly approached it as if it would jump up and attack me. I took an unsteady breath as I walked around it to the back. I carefully sat on the stool. It felt as if it would break since it wasn’t use to my weight anymore. I waited a few moments before letting out the breath I hadn’t noticed I was holding in. With shaky hands I picked up my drumsticks. I let the right drumstick to hit a symbol. The sound left a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I dropped the sticks, tears pooling my blue eyes.

“I can’t do it Jimmy,” I cried, the tears falling freely. I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and someone begin to hum in my ear. I leaned back into the person as I held one of their wrists.

“Cat, you can do it. I know you. If not I wouldn’t be a very good brother trying to get you to do something you couldn’t. Just try. For me.” I smiled weakly. He knew he hit a sore spot. And I know he did it on purpose. I bent down and picked up the abandoned sticks. I tapped my foot making one of the bass drums echo through the air. I played a simple beat before I froze up again.

“Are you sure I can do this Jimmy? I can’t do what you do,” I exclaimed, my chin trembling. I felt a pair of lips kiss the top of my head. I sighed and turned around, hugging the waist in front of me. I felt the hands rub up and down my back as a form of comfort.

“You can do just as great as me, you just have to give it a shot. You are a Sullivan, Sullivans are drum gods and don’t let anyone keep them from it.” I sighed and nodded. Taking in one last breath of his scent I turned back around. I began the drum line to “Unholy Confessions”, the first song Jimmy ever taught me.

When I finally finished tears were leaking from my eyes again. The familiar feeling of arms around me made me let out a sob mixed with a laugh. I hugged him back with so much force I was sure my arms would fly through him. “I did it Jimmy, I did.”

“You were amazing Catty. Fucking amazing. I told you, you could do it baby girl.” I nodded as the tears continued to flow. I heard movement upstairs and quickly, yet still reluctantly, let go of Jimmy. Turning around I saw feet descend the stairs. In front of me stood none other than Brian Haner Jr., my best friend of my best friends.

“Cat, what are you doing down here?” He asked quietly as he approached the drums in a manner very familiar to when I first came down. I smiled at him with a few stray tears falling pass the hand that tried to wipe them away.

“I wanted to try it. For him.” I had to refrain from nodding my head behind me.

“Baby girl.” I let more tears fall at the neutral name only Brian and Jimmy called me. Brian brought me into his arms. It felt just like Jimmy had done moments ago. I melted into his touch, burying my face into his shoulder. I may have been eight years younger, but I had gotten the freakishly tall genes so I came to Brian’s shoulders. I was actually Johnny’s height. Brian took the sticks from my hand and placed them back into their spot.

“Let’s go upstairs. The guys are here and I think it’s time for a good, old fashion Nightmare On Elm Street time.” I nodded and let him lead me upstairs. I turned off the light and watched as the drum set disappeared into the dark. Once we were out of the basement I could hear the other guys laughing.

“Hey Cat!” Everyone chorused. I smiled and sat on the end of one of my leather couches. Once the movie was in Brian plopped next to me with Johnny on the other side of him. In front of me sat Zacky with his back against the couch, Matt next to him and in front of Johnny. As I began to play with Zacky’s hair the movie began playing. The curtains were drawn to make it dark in the room minus the light emanating from the television. I looked out the corner of my eye to see Jimmy sitting on the armrest next to me. He smiled down at me before looking at his band mates. His best friends and brothers. I suddenly felt horrible. No one could see him or hear him. Not his band mates, his parents, his wife. Only me.

Why do I feel so selfish?