Somehow Saving You

I sat on the edge of my side of the bed, my face buried in my hands. Brian had stayed over last night with Pinkly. I had wanted to play my drums and refused to leave my home afterwards. Brian was still worried about me so he stayed in the night, and I wouldn’t allow to leave Pinkly at his house alone. I looked up and smiled softly at the fur ball who was curled up at the edge of my bed. Owner and pet’s breathing were in sync.

Looking at the clock, the neon numbers flashed 10:00 on the dot. I had been just sitting here for the pass twenty minutes. I sighed, knowing I needed to get dressed and head to my therapy session. Just as I stood, Brian rolled over and peeked his eyes open.

“Where are you going Cat?” he asked, sleep enlacing every word. I smiled, leaning over and kissing his forehead.

“I need to go to my therapy session. I’ll be back before you get up, don’t worry,” I cooed, tracing his newly tattooed chest with the word “forever” across his collarbone. He had gotten it done the day after the interview, three days ago. Everyone but Zacky and myself have gotten their tribute tattoos done. It was a group pact and I was surely not getting left out even though I was deadly afraid of needles.

“Okay.” He fell back asleep in seconds and I smiled down at my exhausted boyfriend. I ran a hand through his tousled hair once, enjoying the silkiness of it. I sighed softly before walking over to my dresser. After pulling out my outfit I walked into the bathroom. I started up the shower before stripping off my pajamas. I stepped under the showerhead, the scorching water making my skin turn red and sting.

I forced my tears to be held back. Honestly, my friends are all oblivious. I may act like I have it all together and am unmoved by anything, but I was personally mourning for my child. I can’t stop thinking about it. What would have happened if this baby was born? Would I be a good mother? What would Brian have been like as a father? Would it become a drummer or guitarist? The thoughts literally made my head swim. I shook the thoughts out, trying to hold it back to at least get finished. The shower was now my sanctuary yet personal hell.

I finished cleaning myself, turning the knobs until the water stopped flowing. I just stood there. I let my forehead rest again the cool, wet, white tiles that covered the walls of my shower. After standing there for a minute I finally pulled my towel off the metal rack on the outside of the shower. I tightly wrapped that around my chest before pulling back my shower curtain.

I quickly tossed on my clothes, just brushing through my hair. I had no patient to take the time and dry it or style it. I was like an ADD kid on crack, I couldn’t even be still long enough to fix my hair up. I walked back to my room, Brian now sprawled out on the bed. I chuckled, grabbing my phone off of my side table. I kissed his cheek before heading out of my bedroom.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, my mind did a one-eighty. I wasn’t going to therapy today. I had much better things to do. I snatched my keys off the hook as I walked out the door, scrolling down my contacts. I found the name I was searching for, clicking the green ‘call’ button before I jammed it between my shoulder and ear. I waited patiently as I locked the door and headed to Brian’s car. He had lent it to me since I still don’t have my own car. What’s up with that? I need to work on getting my own vehicle.

“Hello?” The tired voice asked, a groan in their tone. I rolled my eyes as I started up Brian’s car. I enjoyed the feeling of the car’s powerful vibrations running through my hands. It felt good to have the powerful feeling in my hands.

“Get your ass out of bed. Me and you are going somewhere,” I replied simply as I drove to the end of my driveway, looking both ways before peeling out. I am so happy Brian has a habit of parking his car backwards. It wouldn’t be too easy to backup with a phone by my ear.

“Why? I thought you need to go to therapy?” He questioned, more awake now. I could hear rustling as he got out of bed, probably trying to not wake the woman next to him.

“Well one day won’t kill me. It’s not getting anywhere anyways. I don’t need therapy,” I replied, a stern tone in my voice. I stopped at the intersect, letting the other car go first before I continued on my way.

“Cat,” the voice sighed.

“Zacky, I don’t need your shit right now. I am perfectly fine,” I lied. Zack sighed again. I could just see him running a hand through his hair. “Are you coming with me or not?”

“Fine. Give me five minutes to get ready.”

“Okay.” We said our goodbyes before I clicked off my phone. I placed it in the cup holder and turned up the radio. Misfits played out and I couldn’t stop my laugh. It’s like they are just mind readers. Zacky will be pleased. Soon I pulled to a stop in front of Zacky’s and Gena’s house. Moments later Zacky left, locking the door behind himself.

“So where are we going?” Zacky asked as soon as he slipped in. I waited until he clicked his seatbelt before I headed off down the road again.

“We’re going to get our tattoos,” I replied. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Zacky give me one of those disbelieving looks. “And what is that face for?”

“Miss ‘I shit myself at the thought of getting shots, blood drawn, or getting pierced’ is getting a tattoo?” Zacky remarked.

“Well I look at it this way. I need to face my fears, right? The hands on approach always works. Jimmy faced his fear of spiders on ‘Afterlife’, I might as well be able to face my fears by getting a tattoo for him,” I stated with a shrug.

“That’s truly brave of you Cat,” Zacky said with sincerity.

“It’s the least I can do.”

“Don’t you think doing this album is enough?” Zacky quizzed.

“Honestly, I don’t.” It fell silent after I said that. Really, it didn’t feel like it. I felt like I needed to personally sacrifice something. Facing my fear seemed enough of a sacrifice. Soon I pulled to a stop in front of a very familiar tattoo shop. It was the place Jimmy and Brian had gotten almost all of their tattoos at. I only came along once. My mind mentally feared out just watching someone get inked. I cut off the engine, my fists tightening and loosening on the steering wheel.

“You know, you don’t have to do this,” Zacky said gently.

“No, I do,” I announced sternly. Jimmy didn’t teach me to be a wuss. He taught me to face what I was scared of and spit in it’s face. He taught me to be tough and go down fighting. And if I did go down at least I didn’t go down a pansy, I went down a ‘brave motherfucker‘. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”

“Whatever you say.” We both climbed out and shut our doors. I quickly set the alarm before leading the way into the shop. A bell rang over our heads as we stepped inside. A man emerged from the back and grinned at me. His slightly yellow stained teeth showed he was a smoker.

“Cat! It’s good to see you girl!” he exclaimed, his colorful arms pulling me into a hug. I smiled, hugging him back. I inhaled the very familiar sent of smoke, Axe, and aftershave. It was a strange combination, but it always relaxed me, even in a shop with needles around every corner.

“Hey Edmund,” I greeted as we pulled apart. “This is Zacky.”

“Pleasure to meet you Zack,” Edmund stated, shaking his outstretched hand.

“Same here,” Zacky replied. Edmund turned to me with a smile on his face.

“What can I do for you sweetheart?”

“We need tats Ed.” Edmund gave me a look that was very similar to Zack’s in the car. “Would everyone stop giving me that stare!”

“Sorry hun, but ever since you were young you hated needles. How am I suppose to take you seriously?” Edmund mused. I rolled my eyes, slapping his arm playfully.

“But seriously, tattoos please?” I asked. He laughed, but nodded.

“What can I do to you guys?” Zacky explained his quite simple tattoo, ‘forever’ in cursive on the left side of his next. As Edmund went to draw up Zack’s, I let my eyes wander the shop as I thought. Many original drawings littered the walls. A lot of photos of customers covered the walls. Edmund was a proud man of his work. Every customer he wanted a picture of them with their new ink. I smiled at the sight of Jimmy’s face in multiple frames.

“What are you going to get Cat?” I turned to Zacky who was leaning again the desk in the room. I slightly shrugged. I didn’t really think of it, this was all just a spur of the moment thing. I know Zacky had thought his over multiple times. It was simple, but it did mean a lot to him. I smiled when the idea hit me. Luckily just then is when Edmund came out from the back.

“Ed! I got it!” I squealed, running to the desk. Edmund raised his eyebrow, laughter dancing through his grey eyes.

“What do you want me to do Cat?” Edmund asked.

“You have to give me the fiction tattoo, just like you did Jimmy’s.” Edmund’s and Zacky’s eyes grew wide.

“Cat, you do realize that that tattoo involves a lot of time and punctures, right?” Zacky tested.

“Yes. Now shut up and let me do this, okay?”

“Okay Cat. Come on, I don’t need to draw your’s up, it’s permanently sketched in my mind. Do you mind if she goes first?” Edmund asked Zack.

“Of course not.” We all walked into the back. I shed off my jacket and shirt, leaving me in just my bra. Honestly it didn’t bug me in the least, I wasn’t self conscious at all. Besides, Edmund was married and Zacky is head over heels in love with Gena. I laid down on the table, the cool leather felt relaxing on my skin. I took a deep breath and squeezed Zack’s offered hand. I watched Edmund pull on the gloves before I looked at Zacky.

“Whatever happens do not let me leave here until this tattoo is done, okay?”

“You got it.” I closed my eyes as Edmund placed a hand on my stomach, the tattoo gun poised above my skin.

“Ready?” I nodded, taking yet another deep breath.