Married To The Mafia...?

I refused to remember the stain wood of the casket, I couldn't tell you what array of delicate flowers settle upon it. I made a point not to remember the honey sweet words they said, not one sentence left my mouth especially not in the form of my husband's eulogy.

It was sunny, wild with summer heat that could cause exhaustion in seconds. The sun melted everything to a dreary lean and meshed the background with the foreground, nothing made sense or could be defined. 

"Amelia love." Maria Radev's eyes were wet with sorrow as she placed her hand upon my own, the black laced gloves surrounding mine keeping the skin from immediate contact. "It's okay to be upset, to let people know you need help. It's okay to be angry and hurt. Remember he loved you though dear. He wouldn't want you to be so hung up on the idea of his being alive. You need to let him go."

I couldn't understand how she stood so strong at yet another son's funeral, I couldn't listen while she sang of letting somebody she love in the way only a mother could go. That it was over. I couldn't because I didn't believe it, Ethan Radev couldn't be gone.

I didn't say anything. I just sat staring blankly around the living room of the Radev's lavish home. Maria sighed softly and left a kiss upon my temple as she stood and wandered around amongst the guests. 

Slowly I pushed myself upon the sky-high heels, my black dress skimming over my stocking-covered knees. People stopped to touch my hands, to kiss my cheek to hold me close and I allowed them only I didn't speak a word I didn't allow myself to hear them say how sorry they were or that their hearts were breaking for me. I didn't care what they felt. 

The kitchen was my key to escape. I could stand alone even for a brief few moments and stare out the delicate scenery of endless baron land.

"Amelia?" 

I turned slowly to see Emmanuel standing awkwardly in the door way, his eyes were soft and searching like every one else's.

"I just-" He stopped to clear his throat and it was then that I noticed the shiny silver in his hand, "I found this and I thought you'd like to have it."

His palm opened slowly to reveal Ethan's silver rolex. I stared dumbly at it, the ticking hand spinning slowly around it's black face. I was vaguely aware of Emmanuel turning to leave as my fingers graced the cool metal. Ethan never left without his watch.

"Where-" I choked at the sudden use of my voice, "Where did you find it?"

"It was in the office desk, top drawer. Where he usually left it in the rare time that he took it off."

I nodded slowly. Blinking back a build up of water in my eyes. I played slowly with his watch, turning it over in my fingers, watching as the hands moved with time. 

Then it struck me.

Ethaniel Radev never left without the shiny rolex his parents hand bought him for his nineteenth birthday. Never. He hadn't left without it the night he died either, he'd been wearing it as we walked back into the penthouse, as he shrugged off his coat and kissed my forehead gently. I could remember the familiar silver glimmering from the cuff of his suit jacket as we drove home, as he held my hand, as we danced around the ballrooms.

Then why had Emmanuel found it in the top drawer of the desk in his office?

"He was wearing it."

"What?" Emmanuel stepped slowly to my side, his own attention cast down on the wrist watch.

"Ethan, he was wearing it the night that-" I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Amelia, he can't have been wearing it. I found it in the desk."

"He was wearing it Emmanuel, I know it. And if he was wearing it that means he-"

"He's not alive Amelia. I know what you're doing, I've done it myself. But this isn't healthy. You can start believing his alive because you were so used to seeing a watch on his wrist."

"He's not dead Emmanuel." My voice was a hushed whisper, my eyes never leaving the silver in my hand.

"Amelia this has to stop. Think of where you are right now. You're at his wake, at his funeral. He's gone Amelia."

I didn't want to believe that the man I had been forced to marry, the man who I had fallen in love with, the man who had been my savior so many times was killed. I didn't want to say that he had been murdered while trying to say my life. I didn't want to accept any of it, but the truth was he was gone, he wasn't coming home. My husband was dead.