This Is a Reason for Broken Wings
Thin Threads Of Hope
Matt's POV
I was determined not to cry, fuck, I couldn't cry.
I shoved my way past some waiters and out the front door, heading straight for the bus. The cold, late night breeze snapped at my flesh, seeming to bite it here and there. A warm sensation going down one side of my face made me realize that I had actually let a single tear fall. I wiped it away before any random strangers saw it and punched in the code to get onto our bus.
As soon as I climbed up the steps I let out a sigh of relief because there was nobody else on there (meaning our techs and driver) and I took a seat on the couch, burying my face in my hands.
I had thought that I was finally starting to get over Val and shit (I mean, I should be, it's been five fucking months since we broke up) when I caught myself longing to have Lauren ... But once I saw Val again ... I don't know. It was like my heart that had been welded back together with alcohol and cigarettes had been busted back open with a sledgehammer. I didn't know who I had feelings for anymore.
So deeply absorbed in my own self pity, I didn't even notice someone had joined me on the bus until I saw their shoes through the gaps between my fingers.
"You didn't even wait for your dinner." Lauren said quietly.
I sighed and looked up at her, trying to apologize a million times over with my eyes because I didn't know how well my vocal cords were working just then. She bit her lip and set the bag containing a couple boxes on the counter beside the couch and cupped my chin in her soft hands.
I let out another loud, long sigh and closed my eyes, trying to figure out just what to say to her.
"Lauren, I'm sorry." I mumbled. "I had no right to snap on you like that and say those things I did."
"Shh, Matt, its okay." She said quietly, caressing my cheek with her thumb while the rest of her hand still held my chin.
I opened my eyes staring up into her vibrant green ones.
"I mean ... I don't know." I sighed, feeling the sensation to cry my eyes out.
I blinked back a couple of tears, but a few managed to fall down my face. Lauren instantly wiped them away with her free hand.
"I'm sorry, I feel like a fucking little sissy right now." I whispered.
"Matt, its okay to cry, there's nothing wrong with that." She said gently.
I nodded my head, letting a few - scratch that - a lot more tears fall down. Lauren removed her hand from my chin and wrapped her arms around my shoulders as she took a step closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her even closer.
I clung onto her as I cried my fucking eyes out. I didn't know how long I sat there crying but I do know that the whole time I was doing so she was rubbing my back for comfort, whispering that 'it'll be okay' and other words of comfort.
After what felt like hours of sobbing like a little kid, I felt myself calming down. My head was resting against Lauren's torso as I sat there with my eyes closed, trying to regain control of my emotions.
"Matt ... Don't say that you dreams won't ever come true ... I know that they will If you want them that bad then they will."
I nodded my head to the best of my ability and pulled away from her a little so I could look up at her.
"Lauren, why is it that you're so sure of my dreams when it sounds like you've already given up on yours?" I asked; not rudely ... just out of curiosity.
She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it once more as if she wasn't sure how to answer that.
"Um ... It's a long story and it's not really that important." She mumbled, staring to walk away but I tightened my arms around her waist to keep her from moving any further.
"Lauren, tell me." I said, begging her to do so with my eyes.
She sighed and pulled my arms away from her waist, taking a seat next to me instead.
"Um ... Has Zacky ever told you that I was born over a month premature?" She asked hesitantly, bringing her legs up onto the couch to sit cross legged on the cushion.
"Uh ... H-he mentioned it." I said. "Er ... After I asked him about that scar on your stomach." I added shyly.
"Oh." She laughed slightly. "Well, yeah, I was born premature. When I was born there was a whole shit load of things wrong with me. That scars from a surgery I went through when I was born a part of my small intestine was basically outside of my body and stuff. Like, the skin had grown around it Its really weird, I know." She smiled softly, seeing the expression on my face.
"I had a lot of problems; I was told that I wasn't expected to have lived past the first three weeks but eh, here I am. But anyway, some of my organs or whatever didn't fully develop because I was born so early. One of these happened to be my ovaries."
I felt my heart drop slightly because I now knew what she was getting at. I reached over and grabbed a hold of her hand, lacing my fingers gently with hers.
"Most women's cycle ... They have their period once a month, right? I'm lucky if I get mine once every six months. The doctors say that I have less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving a child." She shrugged her shoulders as of it was no big at all.
"Lauren " I trailed off, struggling for words of comfort.
"Eh, don't worry about it Matt." She said, managing to force a smile although her bottom lip was trembling violently. "I can only imagine how much it hurts to see the one you love with someone else Matt." She whispered.
"I know this is cliche but everything happens for a reason. If you really want Val, and things were really meant to be between you two, then you'll get her back. But you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself, thinking that self pity will solve every last ache in your heart. If you love her ... then you should already know exactly what to do."
We sat in silence for a couple of minutes with nothing but the sounds of the T.V. someone had left on in the back room cutting through our thoughts. I felt like such a moron now because Lauren was right. If Val really was the girl for me then she'd be with me right now, right? Gah, I don't know ...
I'm so fucking confused right now. I don't know if I really still love Val or if I'm just forcing myself to believe that I do because I'm too scared to move on. Is it still my dream to end up with her and live our lives happily ever after with one another? Or have they all changed now without me even realizing it? What was it that I really wanted from life?
I jumped feeling Lauren's smooth fingers on my cheek, wiping away the excess tears that still hadn't dried.
"Sorry." She said quietly, grinning softly about the fact that she had just startled me.
"T-that's okay." I stuttered, feeling my face flush.
"So, are you ready to eat dinner now?" She asked, motioning to the boxes she had brought back with her. "I think it might be a little cold now, but whatever."
"Ha, okay." I laughed, wiping my face one last time and stood up, offering my hand to help her up as well.
She took it and I pulled her up, suddenly wrapping my arms around her shoulders to pull her into a tight hug. I felt her body tense up a bit and then relax as she wrapped her arms around my middle and hugged me back.
"Thank you Lauren." I whispered, pulling away from her.
She flashed me a smile and as cheesy as this fucking sounds I instantly felt my stomach turn to mush. Fuck, was it possible for me to be looking at my 'new dream' right then? If I was, I was still so deeply immersed in denial that I wouldn't have figured it out even if it was written out for me.
End of Matt's POV
I was determined not to cry, fuck, I couldn't cry.
I shoved my way past some waiters and out the front door, heading straight for the bus. The cold, late night breeze snapped at my flesh, seeming to bite it here and there. A warm sensation going down one side of my face made me realize that I had actually let a single tear fall. I wiped it away before any random strangers saw it and punched in the code to get onto our bus.
As soon as I climbed up the steps I let out a sigh of relief because there was nobody else on there (meaning our techs and driver) and I took a seat on the couch, burying my face in my hands.
I had thought that I was finally starting to get over Val and shit (I mean, I should be, it's been five fucking months since we broke up) when I caught myself longing to have Lauren ... But once I saw Val again ... I don't know. It was like my heart that had been welded back together with alcohol and cigarettes had been busted back open with a sledgehammer. I didn't know who I had feelings for anymore.
So deeply absorbed in my own self pity, I didn't even notice someone had joined me on the bus until I saw their shoes through the gaps between my fingers.
"You didn't even wait for your dinner." Lauren said quietly.
I sighed and looked up at her, trying to apologize a million times over with my eyes because I didn't know how well my vocal cords were working just then. She bit her lip and set the bag containing a couple boxes on the counter beside the couch and cupped my chin in her soft hands.
I let out another loud, long sigh and closed my eyes, trying to figure out just what to say to her.
"Lauren, I'm sorry." I mumbled. "I had no right to snap on you like that and say those things I did."
"Shh, Matt, its okay." She said quietly, caressing my cheek with her thumb while the rest of her hand still held my chin.
I opened my eyes staring up into her vibrant green ones.
"I mean ... I don't know." I sighed, feeling the sensation to cry my eyes out.
I blinked back a couple of tears, but a few managed to fall down my face. Lauren instantly wiped them away with her free hand.
"I'm sorry, I feel like a fucking little sissy right now." I whispered.
"Matt, its okay to cry, there's nothing wrong with that." She said gently.
I nodded my head, letting a few - scratch that - a lot more tears fall down. Lauren removed her hand from my chin and wrapped her arms around my shoulders as she took a step closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her even closer.
I clung onto her as I cried my fucking eyes out. I didn't know how long I sat there crying but I do know that the whole time I was doing so she was rubbing my back for comfort, whispering that 'it'll be okay' and other words of comfort.
After what felt like hours of sobbing like a little kid, I felt myself calming down. My head was resting against Lauren's torso as I sat there with my eyes closed, trying to regain control of my emotions.
"Matt ... Don't say that you dreams won't ever come true ... I know that they will If you want them that bad then they will."
I nodded my head to the best of my ability and pulled away from her a little so I could look up at her.
"Lauren, why is it that you're so sure of my dreams when it sounds like you've already given up on yours?" I asked; not rudely ... just out of curiosity.
She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it once more as if she wasn't sure how to answer that.
"Um ... It's a long story and it's not really that important." She mumbled, staring to walk away but I tightened my arms around her waist to keep her from moving any further.
"Lauren, tell me." I said, begging her to do so with my eyes.
She sighed and pulled my arms away from her waist, taking a seat next to me instead.
"Um ... Has Zacky ever told you that I was born over a month premature?" She asked hesitantly, bringing her legs up onto the couch to sit cross legged on the cushion.
"Uh ... H-he mentioned it." I said. "Er ... After I asked him about that scar on your stomach." I added shyly.
"Oh." She laughed slightly. "Well, yeah, I was born premature. When I was born there was a whole shit load of things wrong with me. That scars from a surgery I went through when I was born a part of my small intestine was basically outside of my body and stuff. Like, the skin had grown around it Its really weird, I know." She smiled softly, seeing the expression on my face.
"I had a lot of problems; I was told that I wasn't expected to have lived past the first three weeks but eh, here I am. But anyway, some of my organs or whatever didn't fully develop because I was born so early. One of these happened to be my ovaries."
I felt my heart drop slightly because I now knew what she was getting at. I reached over and grabbed a hold of her hand, lacing my fingers gently with hers.
"Most women's cycle ... They have their period once a month, right? I'm lucky if I get mine once every six months. The doctors say that I have less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving a child." She shrugged her shoulders as of it was no big at all.
"Lauren " I trailed off, struggling for words of comfort.
"Eh, don't worry about it Matt." She said, managing to force a smile although her bottom lip was trembling violently. "I can only imagine how much it hurts to see the one you love with someone else Matt." She whispered.
"I know this is cliche but everything happens for a reason. If you really want Val, and things were really meant to be between you two, then you'll get her back. But you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself, thinking that self pity will solve every last ache in your heart. If you love her ... then you should already know exactly what to do."
We sat in silence for a couple of minutes with nothing but the sounds of the T.V. someone had left on in the back room cutting through our thoughts. I felt like such a moron now because Lauren was right. If Val really was the girl for me then she'd be with me right now, right? Gah, I don't know ...
I'm so fucking confused right now. I don't know if I really still love Val or if I'm just forcing myself to believe that I do because I'm too scared to move on. Is it still my dream to end up with her and live our lives happily ever after with one another? Or have they all changed now without me even realizing it? What was it that I really wanted from life?
I jumped feeling Lauren's smooth fingers on my cheek, wiping away the excess tears that still hadn't dried.
"Sorry." She said quietly, grinning softly about the fact that she had just startled me.
"T-that's okay." I stuttered, feeling my face flush.
"So, are you ready to eat dinner now?" She asked, motioning to the boxes she had brought back with her. "I think it might be a little cold now, but whatever."
"Ha, okay." I laughed, wiping my face one last time and stood up, offering my hand to help her up as well.
She took it and I pulled her up, suddenly wrapping my arms around her shoulders to pull her into a tight hug. I felt her body tense up a bit and then relax as she wrapped her arms around my middle and hugged me back.
"Thank you Lauren." I whispered, pulling away from her.
She flashed me a smile and as cheesy as this fucking sounds I instantly felt my stomach turn to mush. Fuck, was it possible for me to be looking at my 'new dream' right then? If I was, I was still so deeply immersed in denial that I wouldn't have figured it out even if it was written out for me.
End of Matt's POV