Almost Lost It All

When I pull up in my driveway I'm disappointed to see Zack's car but relieved to see that it's alone. That means Michelle is out. Zack will know to leave me alone. But why is he here? I get out of my car with fatigue sticking to my bones. Every movement I make seems like it's filled with worry or regret. I haven't slept in my bed for days and I haven't thought to myself for two weeks. Jen has been missing out of my life for these past two weeks but she hasn't let me think straight. I miss her to the point of insomnia and irregular meals. I long for her to the point of aching arms and cold lips. My heart hasn't been beating right since the last time I saw her.

When I close my front door behind me I'm expecting Zacky to spring some therapist shit on me. Instead, everything is quiet. I hear the floor creak somewhere in the house and I look toward the stairs. I sigh with frustration. I just want to try to sleep so I can forget everything for a few hours. I reach the top of the stairs and turn my head toward the attic stairway. Gentle footsteps fly across the floor above me and I can feel the confusion wash away any irritation I have.

When I open the door to the attic the scent hits me before the sight does. Jen is here. I walk into the room and see her by the piano, shuffling papers into neat piles before shoving them into a big bag.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

Seeing her is like a shock, yet again, to my eyes. She looks sick and sleepless when she looks up at me, slightly frightened. Her eyes are glowing a bright painful aqua today. But she looks like she's glowing too, in a different way. I can't put my finger on the difference of beauty but whatever it is, it almost knocks me off of my feet. Seeing her again brings me great relief and great pain at the same time. I want to hold her. Just letting her be this close to me is driving me crazy. And... what is she doing?

"I'm..uhm, I'm getting some of my stuff," she says in a quiet voice.

It doesn't make sense to me.

"Why?" I say.

She stands up straight and turns so she's facing me. Every small movement she makes seems as if it's ridden with suffering. She tries to smile but fails.

"I'm in an apartment now so I want what I left. I'm gonna have Matt help me with the piano and the kit. Jason said we can use his truck to move everything. I can get all of the cameras and pictures and stuff myself." She murmurs clearly.

The words knock at my brain but I refuse to let them inside. I shake my head in disbelief. This can't be happening. I can't be really losing her again. Not when I had her, even if it was for a night. This isn't real.

"You...what?" is all I can come up with.

"Well...I'm making it easier for us to move on."

I can tell the words she used hurt her. Everthing she does hurts her. I can be there for her if she'd just let me love her. Why doesn't she listen to me?

"No. No! What the fuck?! Don't you understand that this isn't how it's supposed to go?! Just--No." I say frustratedly.

"Just let it go, Brian." Jen says to me with an edge in her voice.

Anger builds up inside of me. I look at her with burning eyes.

"You can't take this stuff." I growl.

She looks up at me stubbornly, "Why not?" she asks.

"Because this is my stuff. Me, my friends, and Jimmy all bought this but you left it. You left us here. This is my stuff now and you can't have it. I won't let you."

A shocked impression hits her features so forcefully that I even have to check over what I just said. I watch as pity sweeps through her body, forcing her to look away from me. My cruelty sits on my tongue so I try to swallow it down. I stand tall with my decision even though my body wants to shut down completely. All I want to do is let myself succumb to her wishes. All I want is for her to see how happy we could be. She wouldn't have to move into a cold, lonely aparment. She could come back here where she could have this room again. When her lips tremble I want to kiss the pain away.

"Do you remember the day I found Jimmy?" She asks me suddenly.

Now I'm shocked. The words hit me so hard that I have to lean back against the doorframe.

"Yes." I mutter, not really thinking.

"I had a dream about it a couple of weeks ago. And last week. And a few days ago. And last night. It won't leave me alone." Jen shakes her head with the explanation, staring at the piano keys.

What do I say to that? Confusion and misery sweep me up into tragedy as I begin remembering that morning. I remember how she couldn't stop crying and saying his name. How we all began living a nightmare no one could ever fathom. Tears sting my eyes lightly but I hold them back.

"It won't leave me alone," she says, "I can't get the memory to go away. It just...it keeps attacking me and no one is there to save me."

Tears well up in her eyes as she inahles shakily.

"Jimmy doesn't come back to tell me it's okay. I just wake up crying in the middle of the night and suffer until I see the sun again. Then I get sick. Every morning, I get sick from the pain. I don't know how to stop it."

I move closer to her, willing the pain to leave my chest, willing myself to be strong for her.

"The nights I don't dream about Jimmy, I dream about you. And..our friends."

I stop.

"I dream about how things used to be. How nothing was wrong before he passed, or before I remembered you were getting married. I wake up crying from those dreams, too. Because I can't let go of the past. I can't let go of how happy we all were. How I was going to be your wife. How we were going to start a family. It was all perfect."

She sniffs and I don't move. I'm paralyzed with greif.

"I want to be happy again, but somehow I can't be. I'm trying so hard to except that. I'm trying to get over it and live with it. I mean, it's my fault. I know it's all my fault. You're hurting, our friends are hurting because I left and now that I'm back I'm selfish enough to want my past. Well I'm done trying to get it. I'll live my life the way I'm supposed to: painfully and alone. I'm going to leave again. I don't think anyone has ever been so much more dramatic than me and I'm going to stop it. You keep this stuff because it'll just hurt me too much, plus it's hard to carry around while hitch-hiking." She says the last words with a sick laugh.

Panic wakes me up from my stupor. Old feelings rush into my veins, seizing me so hard that I feel as if I'm going to collapse. I start shaking my head in protest.

"Baby, please, help me help you. I love you." I say almost frantically.

Jen stops in front of me while her tears begin to dry. She doesn't touch me.

"I've heard that once before and I still left."

She moves away from me and closes the door quietly behind her. I feel a part of me leave with her. I realize as I fall back against the wall that those are the same words I said to her before she left the very first time. And the words I used before she left me stranded outside of a door with her on the other side. So the same hopeless, helpless feelings are beginning to settle in my heart, leaving me completely motionless.

Why?

Why does everything in my life fall apart? Why is it so dramatic? Why can't we be happy?