Almost Lost It All

"Jimmy...?"

I close the front door behind me as I call out my brother's name. I set the box of cards on the front hall table as I go toward the stairs. The house is completely silent as I climb the big staircase.

"Wake up, lazy! I want to go over some stuff with you and I need you fully awake." I say to the emptiness in front of me.

Thoughts of how to wake Jimmy up fly through my mind as I smile evilly. When I reach his bedroom door it's already ajar. I push it open all the way, ready to charge, and laugh when I see my brother on the floor. Ever since we were little he's fallen out of bed during the night. Every time he'd go on sleeping, not disturbed by hitting the floor. I go over to him and nudge his chest with the toe of my shoe. I smile slightly as I kneel down. I place a hand on his arm and it's ice cold. My brow furrows as I turn Jimmy over onto his back. I slap him lightly on the face.

"Hey, Jimmy, wake up." I say, the fear rising as I see how blue his lips are.

He doesn't respond. Take hold of his shirt and shake him hard.

"Wake up!" I shout.

Panic grips my heart. I hold back the tears, refusing to believe anything is wrong. I press my fingers to his neck, searching for a pulse, but I feel nothing under his skin. Denial passes through my brain. I rip the tangled sheets from Jimmy's body and pull him into my arms. The tears force their way to the surface as I reach for the phone next to the bed. As I dial three numbers an empty Jack Daniels bottle catches my eye, half hidden under the blankets.

"Oh God, no. No no, please no." I murmur as the ringing sounds in my ear.

A sob escapes from my throat, making the tears spill over rapidly. I stroke my brother's hair as I shake my head. Because I know this can't be happening. It can't be.

"What's your emergency?" Says the other person on the phone line.

I cry into the receiver, telling the woman to hurry up. It seems like hours before she lets me go. I drop the phone onto the floor when I'm done talking and slump over. I hold my brother in my arms. I try to force him to open his eyes and laugh at me. I try to make him squeeze my hand back or start breathing again.

"Please wake up. Jimmy, please. Please wake up. Don't let this be real." I whisper over and over again, begging for him to come back to life.

His skin is ice cold on every area I touch. His chest doesn't heave with renewed breath. When I rock him back and forth a small, fine line of blood trickles from his mouth. I cry out hysterically. I hit his chest forcefully, shouting that he has to wake up. This can't be happening. He needs to wake up!

The sound of sirens drowns out my crying and the terrible sound of the dial tone from the phone I threw away. In minutes I'm bombarded by paramedics. Jimmy is taken from my arms but I refuse to let him be alone. Instead of letting a woman lead me out of the room I rip away and follow the stretcher. I'm at my brother's side, kissing his fingers, still willing him to wake up. The tears are blurring my vision but I keep up. The bright California sun harasses the horrible scene and makes my eyes burn even more. I refuse to think that Jimmy is up where the sun rests. I refuse to let him go.

I hear tires squeal against the driveway and I hear frantic voices as car doors slam shut. In seconds I'm being pulled away from my brother as he's being lifted into an ambulance. I yell in protest as the doors close on my last chance to wake him up. The bright red and blue lights flash on my wet face, making this harsh reality all too sudden. The loud sirens beat my ears, forcing me to face the truth of what's happening. I feel Brian's hands on me, pulling me back into him.

"What happened? What's going on?" He asks forcefully and frantically.

I turn toward him, grabbing his shirt in fistfuls. I shake my head.

"Jimmy. He wouldn't wake up. He wouldn't listen to me. He was so cold." I say in a rush.

Brian looks down at me with horror in his eyes. A sob breaks inside of me and I collapse into him, crying hard into his chest. He wraps his arms tightly around me and buries his face into my hair. I can hear him trying not to cry. I can hear him whispering the word "no" over and over again.

--

I wake up crying and sit up. So many years I've tried to get rid of that horrible memory. So many times I've tried to move on from that horrid dream. And it's always come back. I can't breathe anymore. I can't feel anything except the searing pain inside of my chest. It's so over whelming that I slap a hand to my heart to keep it from breaking my rib cage open. The only word I can form is his name. The only person I can call out to is my brother. But no one's here to save me this time. Leana doesn't show up to get me out of this crisis. So I cry alone, unable to stop the hurting. I yell out for my brother to show up, wake up, help me. I let everything close in on me. Who's going to help me now? Who's going to save me? I can't live without him. I can't let go of my heart until I feel him with me.

My veins are frozen, my eyes are burning, my heart is shriveled. That's how it feels. That's how it all feels: cold, burning, or shriveled. That small time of happiness has passed by and I refuse to let it back because I know that I don't have the strength to let it in again. Because no matter what it'll leave with a whim of a word spoken to me. A dream forced onto me. When everyone else is happy I don't deserve to be. So let it be. I'll lie in an dark, empty apartment room and die slowly.

Because where is my angel now?