Confused
chapter 1
I stared into his beautiful hazel eyes and frowned. A very obvious frown that seemed to have caught his attention. I love getting his attention but not in moments like this. We’re just sitting here in the front porch of my house, talking and laughing and just simply enjoying each others company.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and whispered, “What’s wrong Frank?”
I looked down to my shoes and lied, “Nothing Gerard.”
I guess he saw right through me because he lifted my chin until my eyes were level with his and said “Please Frank. If something makes you sad, I wanna know what it is. Everything that makes you happy and everything that makes you sad. Tell me Frankie because you seem so different after Black Parade. It’s like I don’t know you anymore.”
I just looked away and said, tears forming in my eyes, “It’s nothing Gerard. I guess I’m just getting sentimental right now.”
He took his arm off my shoulder and shrugged it off, placing his elbows on his knees and pouted giving me a major guilt trip.
“Gerard, it’s nothing you should worry about. I just miss everything that happened before. The shows, the tours, the…everything.” I tried to fake a smile trying to get his attention again but instead, the tears that were forming streamed down my cheeks.
He turned to look at me and wiped them away. “Frank, you could’ve just said that. No need to keep it all in there. I miss everything too and I’m sure the rest of the guys do too.” He smiled and I smiled and in an instant, we were laughing at how we left Ray at the gas station.
“Remember he was like ‘Guys! Go back! I’m still here! Again!’ and you were all like ‘Reverse! Reverse!’ and then Mikey was holding the cake and when we stopped, it splattered all over his face and hair?”
“Yeah Gerard. All because you wanted to give him a surprise party.”
His phone started ringing and all our laughter was stopped in a flash. “Hello? Oh…sure Liz…Yeah…I’m just here at Frank’s…I’ll be back in a bit…yeah…love you too…I’ll just grab my stuff…yeah…sure…bye.”
“You have to go I guess.” I said standing up with a frown. “Frank, it’s not much a big deal. I’ll be back tomorrow night and you can always call me. I really do want to stay it’s just Eliza wants me to be with her family for lunch tomorrow so she wants me to get ready now.”
I handed him his hoodie back and faked another smile this time perfecting it. “It’s okay Gerard. I understand anyway. You got other responsibilities. So does Mikey.” He hugged me and walked back to his car.
As soon as he sped off, I sat back down and let the tears flow freely. “Gerard, I miss all those times on stage…especially when you would kiss me. The Black Parade was okay but we never did anything those times. It’s just playing and singing. Now you and Mikey are always busy with your wives. I lost my best friends during the Black Parade. You ask me what’s wrong? You could always read me Gerard but why couldn't’t you tell that I always did. I always loved you Gerard. I still do.”
I had to drive as fast away as Frank as possible… …Frank, I’m sorry I have to fake a smile with Eliza…I always…
I went upstairs to my room and watched Nightmare Before Christmas for the umpteenth time before calling it a night. I took off my clothes, changed into pajamas, turned out the lights and slipped into bed. Taking a photo of Gerard that was on my bedside table, I held it close to my heart and closed my eyes, keeping the memory of his lips on mine for as long as I could remember.
“I love you Gerard Arthur Way.”
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and whispered, “What’s wrong Frank?”
I looked down to my shoes and lied, “Nothing Gerard.”
I guess he saw right through me because he lifted my chin until my eyes were level with his and said “Please Frank. If something makes you sad, I wanna know what it is. Everything that makes you happy and everything that makes you sad. Tell me Frankie because you seem so different after Black Parade. It’s like I don’t know you anymore.”
I just looked away and said, tears forming in my eyes, “It’s nothing Gerard. I guess I’m just getting sentimental right now.”
He took his arm off my shoulder and shrugged it off, placing his elbows on his knees and pouted giving me a major guilt trip.
“Gerard, it’s nothing you should worry about. I just miss everything that happened before. The shows, the tours, the…everything.” I tried to fake a smile trying to get his attention again but instead, the tears that were forming streamed down my cheeks.
He turned to look at me and wiped them away. “Frank, you could’ve just said that. No need to keep it all in there. I miss everything too and I’m sure the rest of the guys do too.” He smiled and I smiled and in an instant, we were laughing at how we left Ray at the gas station.
“Remember he was like ‘Guys! Go back! I’m still here! Again!’ and you were all like ‘Reverse! Reverse!’ and then Mikey was holding the cake and when we stopped, it splattered all over his face and hair?”
“Yeah Gerard. All because you wanted to give him a surprise party.”
His phone started ringing and all our laughter was stopped in a flash. “Hello? Oh…sure Liz…Yeah…I’m just here at Frank’s…I’ll be back in a bit…yeah…love you too…I’ll just grab my stuff…yeah…sure…bye.”
“You have to go I guess.” I said standing up with a frown. “Frank, it’s not much a big deal. I’ll be back tomorrow night and you can always call me. I really do want to stay it’s just Eliza wants me to be with her family for lunch tomorrow so she wants me to get ready now.”
I handed him his hoodie back and faked another smile this time perfecting it. “It’s okay Gerard. I understand anyway. You got other responsibilities. So does Mikey.” He hugged me and walked back to his car.
As soon as he sped off, I sat back down and let the tears flow freely. “Gerard, I miss all those times on stage…especially when you would kiss me. The Black Parade was okay but we never did anything those times. It’s just playing and singing. Now you and Mikey are always busy with your wives. I lost my best friends during the Black Parade. You ask me what’s wrong? You could always read me Gerard but why couldn't’t you tell that I always did. I always loved you Gerard. I still do.”
I had to drive as fast away as Frank as possible… …Frank, I’m sorry I have to fake a smile with Eliza…I always…
I went upstairs to my room and watched Nightmare Before Christmas for the umpteenth time before calling it a night. I took off my clothes, changed into pajamas, turned out the lights and slipped into bed. Taking a photo of Gerard that was on my bedside table, I held it close to my heart and closed my eyes, keeping the memory of his lips on mine for as long as I could remember.
“I love you Gerard Arthur Way.”