Such a Surreal Place

“I’ve made my decision,” I said to the doctor while still looking at Brian. “I’m going to keep the baby.” Brian’s eyes changed from sadness to confusion and shock, then to hope and happiness.

“Ah- B- But- ... What?” he stuttered clearly shocked and flooded with multiple emotions. “Oh my God...”

“Well congratulations then,” the doctor said before giving us some parental advice as well as cancer advice, then let us leave.

“Ashleigh! Isn’t your life more important?” Brian asked as we left.

“Not really. I want this baby with you and I don’t care about my own health anymore,” I answered, shrugging off the question as I squeezed his hand. We walked in silence as Bri thought about what had just happened.

“I guess this means a lot more to you than I realised,” he admitted and I nodded.

“I can’t kill my baby again. I know I’m having it with the right man, who is my husband, and this is just the next step in our relationship. I want to have her, or him,” I said with a smile, convincing myself further that I had made the right decision.

“This is unbelievable... We’re having a baby! We’re starting a family...” he faded off as reality hit him hard and he put his hand on my stomach. “Ashleigh, honey, you are gonna get so fat now...” We laughed as he pulled me into his side, hugging me at the same time as we walked down the street. It was true. I was going to become huge as I carried a baby inside of me, but it was going to be worth it in the end.

*Later that night*

“So, Zacky and I think I became pregnant four months ago,” Mel said as she patted her stomach which stuck out significantly now. “And you became pregnant one month ago? So that means I’ll give birth three months before you!”

“Isn’t this insane?” I asked, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the whole pregnancy thing. “I mean, we hardly ever talked about getting married or having kids, and yet here we are, both pregnant and married with good jobs and wonderful husbands-and-wow-I’m-gonna-cry...” I blurted out the last piece in almost one word as tears formed as I realised how happy I was with Brian and the life I had started with him. I had changed so much since I had fallen in love, and now that I was pregnant, I was just too emotional.

“Oh hun, it’s okay,” Mel said as she rubbed my back, knowing herself how randomly emotional you can get once you become pregnant. She got the A7X dairy for next year out and turned to June. “Look, here’s when I’m going to give birth! I’m officially starting my family with Zacky, my amazing husband in June. And here-” she flipped over more pages to September “-is where you will be officially starting your family with your amazing husband, Brian.” My happiness overcame my sadness, as she knew it would, and my tears disappeared as I started realising that this was not a dream. This was actually happening...

*December 28, 2009*

I was putting our three month old daughter Charlotte in bed when the phone rang. It was a good day for the middle of winter and Brian was outside mowing the lawns so I answered it, only to hear Val’s distressed voice.

“Oh my God... Ashleigh...” she cried, barely able to speak.

“What’s going on?” I asked quickly, starting to panic.

“Jimmy... He’s... He passed away...” Val eventually managed to say in between her tears. My jaw dropped and tears welled in my own eyes. No... Not Jimmy! “You and Brian... need to get here ASAP...”

“Where’s ‘here’?” I demanded as I tucked in Charlotte, tears already streaming down my face.

“At my house... Everyone’s coming over,” she answered and I hung up. Urgently, I called our babysitter who understood and would be around shortly. Luckily, she only lived down the street. Then, I went outside to break the news to my husband who was cheerily pushing the mower back and forth, his face lighting up when he saw me coming outside and walking over to him. I watched as his beam turned upside down, worry soon overtaking his body as he must have seen my tears. The mower got turned off and Brian ran up to me, embracing me as quickly as possible.

“Honey! What’s going on?” he asked as my body shook uncontrollably.

“Jimmy’s dead,” I somehow managed to tell him. Brian pulled out of the hug to look me in my eyes, as if I’d dare joke about something as serious as that.

“What? No! He can’t... No!” Brian shouted, the reality sinking in, although he denied to accept it.

“Let’s go to Val’s,” I said as my husband too started crying. Our babysitter arrived as I went inside to grab the keys to Brian’s motorbike. He had insisted that it was the quickest way to get there and that he’d drive sensibly. I was too emotionally wrecked to really care anyway. When we arrived, Brian almost threw the bike on the ground after he had driven it right onto Val and Matt’s lawn, soon taking off up the rest of the footpath to barge inside. When I followed him, I saw the lounge filled with my closest friends, all crying their hearts out. Jimmy was nowhere to be found. This wasn’t a joke. Brian was embracing Johnny in the middle of the room as they both mourned the loss of their best friend. Jimmy was a best friend to everyone in this room, practically a brother. And now he was gone... Far too early... I crashed on the closest couch and begun grieving too...

*January 5, 2010*

We buried our best friend today. How any of us were going to overcome this, I don’t know. People were slowing leaving the graveyard, the band and Jimmy’s family still standing by his grave. Mel came and put her arm around me and led me away, knowing we should give them some time alone.

“Thanks for letting Tristan stay with your babysitter,” Mel said as we walked away from the gravesite, our faces feeling old and worn from the amount of tears we had shed today.

“No problem. Your son already loves my daughter.” I was trying to be light-hearted about our children who were our joy bringers, but this was the day of Jimmy’s funeral... The thought of him being dead was still pretty unreal.

“I know this is being really upfront and everything, but after seeing death...” Mel trailed off, probably about to cry again. “I just have to ask... Have you gone back to the doctor about cancer?” I froze from the shock and I noticed my mouth had fallen open slightly.

“Oh my God... No...” I whispered before looking back at the cluster of people crying behind us. “I don’t wanna die!” I fell into my friend’s arms and cried again. I knew Jimmy would want me to go back to the doctor and get rid of my cancer, so I made an appointment later that day to see the doctor the next week. I had too much to live for now; a husband and a lovely daughter. I couldn’t let them down.