Venom and Hope

Okay. Today was my last chance to tell Gerard how I felt about him. Well, my drunken self had technically already done that but I had a feeling that normal me wouldn't be half as entertaining. I was a strange drunk, or so I'm told.

But going back on subject, I had one chance, hit or miss, to tell Gerard that I loved him. That I had always loved him and most importantly that I was sorry. And I intended on doing that... right when my brain stopped feeling like it would explode.-No! Gerard has the right to know, no matter how much my head was throbbing. Throbbing and pounding and pulsing and ... Oh stop your whining!

I let out a muffled scream into my pillow as my mind was pulling in different directions. I rolled my eyes out of frustration and yanked the covers over my head, clutching my stomach in agony.

That's what you get for being a drunken fool

"Shut up!" I argued with myself.

Jackson, who had been passing by my bunk, poked his head through the curtains and gave me a questioning look.

"My head hurts" I whined.

"I imagine it does. Need aspirin?"

I nodded, clutching my stomach again. I was nauseated and the fact that I was on a moving bus was not helping. Jackson came back with a plastic cup of water and two aspirin.

"God bless you my child!" I graciously took the medication and downed the rest of the water. Jackson just stood there and blinked at me.

"Yes?" His staring was getting very creepy very fast.

"You need to talk to Gerard"

"I know" I replied, giving him the evil eye.

"Yeah, but for real this time. You can't live like this anymore Roz. You just can't" and with that, he took my empty cup and left me alone with my thoughts.

SKIP TO AFTER LAST SHOW

Well it was now or never. I was sweating, jumpy and borderline hyperventilating but I was going to tell Gerard. As soon as I threw up.

I returned from the bathroom ten minutes later, chewing gum I stole from Katrina's purse and looking less sick but, still terrified. Here goes nothing.

I walked over to Gerard and Frank, who, for the record, shot me the dirtiest look. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, but no words came out, just air. I tried again but still no words. I was just standing there, looking like a giant, dying goldfish. Thank god Frank said something or the silence would have killed me.

"Roz what the hell are you doing?"

"I ...want-no need to…to talktoGerard" I stumbled out.

Frank took his cue to leave. Gerard folded his arms and looked at me expectantly.

"I'm listening"

"Imreallysorry" I held my breath.

"Roz...I can't do this anymore. You're killing me here!"

"Look. I know I've led you on. I know I've given you mixed signals. But I-" I slowly grabbed his hands and held on tight. "I need you"

"We're toxic together. We just can't function" He yanked his hands back.

"So what!? That doesn't matter to me anymore!" I choked on my tears, the sobs welling up in my throat. "We don't need to function. We never did and we never will, but I don't care anymore. I NEED you" I'm not too sure that made any sense but it seemed to upset Gerard even more.

"I can't" he whispered and turned to walk away.

"I love you!" I called out desperately trying to hold on to him.

He stopped and turned back around. "Don't say that!" He was angry now.

Tears were falling freely from my eyes, bringing the mascara on my lashes down with them. "Then tell me that you don't love me back!"

He said nothing.

"God damn it Gerard! I finally tell you how I feel and THIS is how you treat me?!"

He still said nothing, but his eyes softened.

"I hope you're fucking happy!" I spat. Then I brushed back some black tears and began to walk away. I paused, as if waiting for him to stop me but he never did. I dragged my feet back to my bus. Defeated. Broken. And Crying.

Everyone else was at the goodbye party, so I had the whole bus to myself. I twisted open a bottle of vodka, collapsed on the floor and started to drown my pain in booze. Feeling that there was no need for a glass, I brought the bottle back to my lips for another swig, when I pair of familiar hands took it away.

I looked up to see Gerard. His face was tear stained and looked positively pathetic.

"I fucked up" he stated, setting the vodka down on the counter.

"Yeah well, I fucked up worse" He sat down next to me on the floor.

"So, we'll never work?"

"Nope. We're destined to clash. It's in the stars" I looked up at the ceiling.

"That doesn't matter to me anymore" he quoted and pressed his mouth against mine. His cigarettes mixed with my alcohol created a taste that was oddly comforting. He pulled away as soon as I started to kiss back.

"I love you too"

I smiled, grabbed him by his collar and kissed him with so much passion it hurt. I closed my eyes and deepened the kiss. Our hands memorizing reach others bodies.

After a good ten minute make out session on the floor, Gerard and I talked. We were together again, but who knows for how long. After Taste of Chaos his band was going to California to write for their new album and my band was, well I wasn't too sure what my band was going to do. We were supposed to take a month long break while I got married. Maybe I could convince Tyler to give us the break anyway and move in with Gerard or something like that.

Who knows? All I know is that my life seems more complete now. The emptiness I had been caring around was finally filled. I had Gerard back. And that's all I really cared about.