And Now the Tables Do Turn

Ten Months Later

The ten months that followed the rather public outing of my affair weren’t exactly the best ten months of my life. I spent all of my time working and finishing school. I finally graduated from college with a degree in education, and I’d started teaching at a local high school. I had moved into bigger apartment across town and essentially, I was set.

I hadn’t seen nor heard from John at all, not that I’d expected to. The band continued to tour as usual, from what I could understand. A rift formed between Em and I and soon enough, we barely spoke. I spent more time crying in the weeks that followed the band leaving that I cared to admit. Josh had tried calling me every day for three weeks, then it dropped down to twice a week, then once a week, before he finally stopped trying to contact me.

When I wasn’t teaching, I was grading papers and tests, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was attempting to forget what had happened. I hadn’t dated at all—in fact, I hadn’t let myself. I’d certainly booted out of the group of friends surrounding the band, so I spent most of my time at bars outside of town, drinking once I’d finished my grading for the night.

It was a Saturday night, in the middle of July. It was late, nearly two in the morning, and I’d had a bit to drink earlier in the evening. I’d been asleep, curled up in my bed when there was a loud, urgent knock on the door. It startled me, and I sat upright in bed. My head was pounding slightly as I stumbled out of bed, my foot catching on the sheet. Trying to smooth down my hair, I made my way towards the front door. My AC was broken, so it was rather sweltering in the apartment and I’d gone to bed in just a baggy t-shirt and my underwear, a fact that I hadn’t realized until I was at the door. I was disoriented from being woken up so abruptly, and made the stupid move to not glance through the peephole before opening the door.

The person outside the door was perhaps the last person I could have imagined it would be. Josh was dressed up in a tux and bow-tie which was undone and hanging from his collar. His hair was drastically different from the way it was the last I’d saw him, and as much as I hated to admit it, my heart leapt when I saw him. We made eye-contact and he looked shocked that I’d even opened the door. I felt my cheeks go pink as his eyes scanned down my body, and I noticed his pupils dilate just so when saw what I was wearing.

The two of us simply stood there for a long moment—he seemed to be taking me in, and I simply just didn’t know what to say or do. Part of me truly felt like bursting into tears, and another part of me felt like punching him in his stupid face. Josh looked at a loss for words, his lips parted slightly as he watched me.

Finally, he cleared his throat and glanced down at his feet. “You, uh, you look great, Spence,” Josh said, looking up at me with a soft chuckle. My cheeks flushed darker, and with the grin he was giving me, I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“What’s with the tux?” I asked, looking him over again. I leaned against the doorframe, crossing my arms over my chest. A small breeze fluttered through the door into the apartment and I felt goosebumps rise on my legs.

Josh raised his eyebrows at me in question, the glanced down at himself. “Oh!” he said, as if just realizing that he was in fact wearing a tux. “I just came from Em and Kennedy’s wedding.” He shrugged nonchalantly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Wait, they got married?” I asked, completely shocked. “Holy shit, I didn’t even know they were engaged.”

“Yeah, they got engaged nine months ago. Em said she sent you an invite—she was a bit disappointed that you weren’t there.”

I cursed under my breath, pushing a hand through my hair. “I didn’t get the invite, I swear. Shit,” I said, biting my lip.

“She’ll live. And an hour into the reception she was too drunk to ever really remember who I was, so I doubt she even realized you weren’t there by that point,” Josh said, chuckling softly in an attempt to make me feel better about the situation. “Can I come in?”

With just a smile, I stepped out of the door way and let him into the apartment. He stepped in, looking around as I closed the door before flipping on the lights. I opened my mouth to say something, but without having to tell him to do so, he quickly took a seat on my sofa, the same one I’d had at my old apartment. I sat down beside him, curling my feet up under him.

“Uhm, how’d you know I moved?” I asked after a moment, toying with the end of my shirt. I chewed on my bottom lip, trying my best to force back the fluttering feeling in my stomach.

Josh was watching me closely, I could tell. It was making me rather nervous, I had to admit. A smile flickered across his lips. “Y-your hair—it’s different,” he commented, completely ignoring my question.

I felt my face heat up, and I pushed my bangs back self-consciously. He was right though. Just the month before, I’d cut my hair short, to just above my shoulders and I’d had it dyed a deep auburn. “Just a cut and dye, that’s all,” I said with a quiet laugh. “But really, Josh, how’d you know I moved?”

“Em told me a while back,” he admitted, shrugging one shoulder. “And besides, you weren’t hard to find. It just took a bit of Googling.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “You Googled me?” I asked with a laugh.

Josh grinned, knowing she’d caught him. He nodded slowly, looking down at his lap for a moment. “Spence, I really mis—“

“How’s the band?” I asked quickly, cutting him off before he could finish his statement. I knew exactly what he was going to say, and I wasn’t quite ready to hear him say it.

He looked surprised when I cut him off, his cheeks going slightly pink. “Things are going fine, I suppose,” Josh said, shrugging quickly. “John’s finally started calling me by name again. For the six months after…what happened, he wouldn’t really speak directly to me at all. He’s got a new girlfriend—her name’s Delaney. She’s nice, exactly his type and the exact opposite of you. We’re home for the summer, writing our new record. We rented a house for the few months that we’re home. I don’t stay there often, I feel like no one really wants me there.”

I could feel guilt bubbling in my stomach. I preferred not to be reminded of the fact that I’d not only broken John’s heart, but I’d created such a rift within the band. “Josh, I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at my lap. “I’m sorry that I started sleeping with you, and ruined your friendship with John. I was such a bitch after everything that happened, and sometimes, I really wish that I had had the guts to call you back when you were on tour. If I hadn’t been so afraid of what everyone was thinking about what had happened, things would’ve been just so different.”

“They can still be different, Spencer,” he said quietly, that stupid small smile on his face.

“What do you mean?”

“We don’t have to be our past. It’s been ten months, we could start over. We could have a real chance at…something.” Josh looked down at his lap before looking back up at me sheepishly. I bit my lip, looking away from him.

“Josh, I don’t know about that. What if things just got too fucked up last year? I mean, there’s only so much history you can rewrite, don’t you think?” I sighed, knowing I was making simply making a mess of everything again.

“I don’t even understand why you do this,” Josh grumbled, standing up from the sofa. I looked at him and he noted the confusion on my face. “Why can’t you give us a fucking chance? There’s literally nothing stopping us from being together now—nothing—and I seriously can’t see why. All of this is just driving me nuts. I’ve spent ten goddamn months, trying to get over you, but it’s not happening, so here I am! I’m in your fucking living room, in a tux, trying to tell you that I still love you, but you just don’t want to hear about it.” He scoffed, sounding bitter. He’d started pacing as he spoke, and I watched as he frowned, trying to piece his words together.

“J-Josh, I’m sorry,” I stammered, trying to keep my voice even.

He ignored what I’d said and continued. “It’s pathetic, actually. I spent my time at the wedding, just completely pissed off because you weren’t there with me, and because I couldn’t have you.”

Josh continued talking, but in all honesty, I had lost myself in thought. He was right. I didn’t want to hear that he was still in love with me. I didn’t want him to be there. I didn’t want to give us a chance. This was all because in that moment, I’d actually realized how much I loved him—how much I’d loved him then—how much I’d always love him.

“—It’s like there’s nothing else out there for me!” Josh was still speaking as I stared at the floor, my eyes widening in realization.

“Okay,” I said, cutting him off before he could start his next statement.

His eyes narrowed at me and it was his turn to be confused. “’Okay?’” he said, pushing a hand through his hair. “’Okay’ to what?”

“Okay, as in we’ll try it. You said it yourself—I’m single, you’re single—there’s nothing to really stop us.”

Josh looked completely flabbergasted, taking a moment to process what I’d said. He looked directly at me then. “You’re being completely serious?” he asked, taking a step closer to me.

I stood up, nodding. “Yeah, I mean, why the hell not?” I said, shrugging simply as I took a step towards him. Josh grinned at me and I felt my heart flutter.

He pulled me closer to him and put his arms around me tightly. Despite him being several inches taller than me, he stood hunched over enough to press his face into my shoulder. I sighed comfortably, putting my arms around him as well. I tucked my chin over his shoulder, taking a deep breath. He smelled the same as he always had—cigarette smoke and his cologne that he always wore just the slightest bit too much of.

“You’re not going to kick me out if I tell you that I love you, are you?” he said, his voice muffled by my shoulder. He laughed softly, the sound of it filing my ears.,

I grinned to myself, shaking my head as I chuckled quietly. “I won’t,” I assured him, rubbing his back gently.

“Okay, good,” Josh said, turning his head to kiss my neck once softly. He leaned away then, tucking my hair back behind my ear as he smiled at me. “I love you, Spence.”

“Yeah, Josh, I love you too,” I admitted with a smile.