And Now the Tables Do Turn

After John left, I sank back down to the floor, and I stayed there. I licked my lips and pulled my knees to my chest. I didn’t cry, I simply stared at the scarred skin of my knees. My mind was completely blank and I didn’t feel at all like moving.

Eventually, I stood up, after sitting there for over an hour. My knees still shaking and my eyes felt heavy. With light steps, I walked into the kitchen. My bottom lip quivered as I saw the photo of John and I on my refrigerator. I removed it with shaking hands, placing the photo face-down on the counter top. I opened the door of the refrigerator and reached for a water bottle. I took a quick drink before screwing the cap back on and setting the bottle down on top of the photo.

I glanced at the time on the microwave and realized that it was nearly eight o’clock. I was exhausted. I didn’t even bother to put my water back in the refrigerator or to retrieve my cell phone from the living room. I walked straight to my room.

I shed my clothes, only pulling on a t-shirt, which was on top of my basket of clean laundry. I slapped the light switch, and I was in luck that it turned off. I crawled into bed, pulling the sheet over me. It was hot in the room, yet I didn’t feel like doing anything about it. I fell asleep within two minutes and I remember nothing else.

I woke much later to the sound of a rather urgent pounding on my front door. The noise startled me. I leaped from the bed and quickly grabbed my baseball bat from the closet. I had invested in it when I moved in, after several night time burglaries in the complex. Walking quickly down the hall, bat in hand, I approached the door. A glance to my alarm clock told me that it was nearly three in the morning.

The knocking hadn’t stopped and I cautiously twisted the knob on the deadbolt. I opened the door to find Josh standing there, looking rather lost. He was staring at the door mat, his brow creased and tense. I let out a sigh of relief, causally trying to hide the bat by dropping it behind the door. When he looked up at me, his expression softened and he licked his lips.

We stood there in silence for a moment, the screen door between us. It was dark; I hadn’t turned the porch light on, or the light of the living room. We nearly had to squint to see each other. I could feel my eyes filling with tears.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I told him quietly, my voice breaking.

He licked his lips quickly, a faint smile flickering over his lips. “I called,” he said. “Like, seventeen times.” He laughed. It was a hollow sound, completely void of humor.

“My phone was out here.”

“Oh.” He paused, scratching the back of his neck. “C-can I, uhm, can I come in?”

I nodded once and turned away from the door. I heard him turn the door handle of the screen door and let himself in as I walked to the coffee table and picked up my phone. I did, in fact, have twelve missed calls from Josh. I cleared the notifications and turned off my phone. I flipped on a lamp and turned around to face him, crossing my arms over my chest.

He had closed my front door and had noticed the bat. I then realized that I wasn’t wearing pants. My cheeks flushed, yet I didn’t react. Josh turned his head and sighed. That’s when I saw his black eye. I pressed both hands against my mouth, and he seemed to have realized that I had seen it, because he turned his head the other way.

“That’s not from who I think it is, is it?” I asked in horror.

Josh shrugged it off. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Josh, it does!” I exclaimed, taking a step towards him. I put my hand under his chin and and turned his head so I could see his eye better. “I can’t believe he fucking punched you.”

He didn’t respond. I licked my lips as we locked eyes. I cleared my throat and returned to my former, standoffish position with my arms crossed over my chest, expecting him to speak.

“He showed up at my place probably right after he left here. At first he was really calm, then he just snapped. He started screaming at me, calling me a traitor and a liar. Then he just punched me and left. The whole thing only lasted a few minutes,” Josh explained.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I told him again.

“I-I-I just want to see you,” he stammered, glancing up at me. I bit down on my tongue as a chill ran down my spine. I could feel that there were goosebumps on my legs. Tears were forming in my eyes and I looked away from him. I pressed my lips together and sighed, walking over to the sofa.

I sat on the edge and I looked down, causing my tears to spill over. Josh was quick to you me on the sofa, putting his arms around my waist. I turned to bury my face in his neck as he pulled me into his lap. He smelled like cigarette smoke and soap, which I was used to. As I cried, he held me, rubbing my back soothingly. Occasionally, he’d say something to me quietly, trying to calm me down. My arms were around his neck, both of my hands clutching the fabric of his shirt.

I fell asleep like that, and woke a little over an hour later. Josh was still awake. He sighed when I stirred, leaning away. He reached up and pushed my hair out of my eyes and my cheeks flushed.

“Y-you didn’t have to stay,” I told him, clearing my throat. I slipped out of his lap, curling my feet up under me.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” he said softly, glancing over at me.

I only nodded.

A silence filled the room. It was now past four in the morning, and we were sitting on my sofa in silence. I didn’t even have to look over at him to know that he was staring at me. My heart felt heavy and bruised and I fought the urge to cry again.

“You’re wearing my shirt.” His voice broke the silence. I looked down at my frame and realized that he was right. I hadn’t even noticed.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. Eventually, I relaxed and leaned against him. Hesitantly, he put an arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.

Eventually, we moved to my bedroom. Nothing happened. We laid in the dark, curled against each other. I had shed my t-shirt, and Josh was down to his shorts. Neither of us slept for a while. I cried some more and he held me, whispering into my hair. We kissed several times, our lips moving slowly over one another’s. I was finally able to sleep after an hour of lying there. Josh softly traced patterns along my the skin of my back, relaxing me completely. He wouldn’t let himself fall asleep until I did.

I only woke up when my alarm went off at 8:30. I could have easily slept for another four hours, but I had to be to work until ten. I slammed my hand down on the alarm, sighing softly. I rolled back onto my side and leaned against Josh. He stirred in his sleep and tightened his arm around me.

I knew that I needed to get out of bed and shower, but in no way did I want to. I kissed Josh’s bare chest once before sitting up, holding the sheet against my chest. He grumbled something, sitting up as well. He slid his hand down my back, kissing my shoulder.

“Why are we up so early?” he asked, yawning quietly. He rested his cheek against the back of my shoulder.

“I have to work in an hour and a half,” I said, licking my lips. He mumbled something about not letting me leave and a small smile appeared on my lips. I turned around swiftly to face him. Our knees were toughing and I leaned forward, kissing his lips softly.

Josh joined me in the shower, therefore it lasted longer than I had planned. As I dried off, he sat on the edge of the bathtub, a towel around his waist. He was watching me, smiling softly. I pulled on my undergarments and brushed my teeth as he stood, finally getting dressed.

He made pancakes for breakfast, and even offered to bring me in something for lunch. I smiled softly, telling him not to worry about it. I was starting to feel smothered. He was smiling a lot, and it was making me feel like I had no way out.

By the time I left for work, I couldn’t stand it any more. Being at work was nice. No one really bothered me, which was nice. I found myself on the brink of tear several times, but focusing on work kept my tears at bay. I hoped that Josh wouldn’t be there when I returned home in five hours, and I hoped that he would just leave me alone.

When I returned home around five, I was extremely happy to discover that my house was empty. I took a relaxing bath and cut myself off from the outside world. Josh called me several times, and texted me as well. I just refused to answer. I worked for the next few days. Other than seeing co-worker and patients, I talked to no one. I was becoming a recluse.

Finally, after more than a week of seeing no one, I received a rather surprising text from Kennedy when I turned my phone on after working for several hours. He invited me over, claiming that Em missed me and that she wanted to talk to me. I decided to head home and change out of my scrubs before heading to their apartment, without even responding to his text.

I drove to Em’s slowly. As I drove, I realized that I was sighing a lot. I parked on the street and noticed that there were quite a few cars parked outside. I stepped out of my car, reaching for my bag. As I walked towards the door of their apartment, I remembered that John and the rest of the band were leaving the next day for tour. As soon as I entered the house, I realized that I was barging in on their going away party. I turned to leave just as soon as I’d entered, yet, to my misfortune, Justin Godsey had seen me.

“Spencer!” he roared, sauntering over. There was a cup in his hand, as always. He approached me, putting his heavy arm around my shoulders. I tried to shrug him off, but he stayed put. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I was actually just leaving,” I said, clearing my throat, trying to slip away from him.

“Already? Why not stick around and fuck another member of the Summer Set?” Godsey asked, a fit of drunken laughter following his words.

My jaw clenched and my face flooded with color. “Shut the fuck up,” I growled at him under my breath.

He laughed again. He took his arm from my shoulder, winking at me. I took a step away from him. “But hey, if it’s Jess, let me know so I can watch.”

Rage and nausea swirled in my stomach. I wanted to punch him, yet throw up at the same time. Before walking away, I took the cup from his hand and downed the rest of its contents. I regretted my action as soon as the liquid hit the back of my throat and burned the rest of the way down. Before walking away, I tossed his cup at him and he mumbled something under his breath about me being a bitch.

I grabbed another drink as I passed several cups. I was walking around aimlessly in search of Kennedy, to yell at him for tricking me into coming to the party. I didn’t find him, but instead, I found John. When he saw me, he started to turn away, but instead, turned again to face me.

“John,” I started, trying to ease the obvious tension between us.

He remained silent for a moment before letting out an irritated sigh. He licked his lips quickly. “Spencer, what are you doing here?” he asked, his voice low and full of anger.

“I-I-I, uhm, Kennedy asked me to come over. He didn’t tell me that the party was here,” I stammered, stumbling over my words. I dared to meet his eyes and never even did.

He cleared his throat, nodding rather solemnly. “He was in the kitchen with Em, last time I saw him,” John said, looking at his feet before walking past me. I turned and watched him walk away from me. My bottom lip started to quiver and my eyes burned with tears. I took a quick, deep breath before walking towards the kitchen.

Em and Kennedy were still there. Em was sitting on the counter top, a drink in her hand. She was obviously tipsy, her cheeks flushed and her hand over her mouth as she giggled. She turned her head to the side quickly, glancing around the room, and that’s when she saw me. She looked confused.

She slid off the counter and walked towards me. “What are you doing here?” she asked, frowning. She was looking me over, which made me self-conscious; I hadn’t dressed for a party.

“Kennedy texted me and asked me to come over,” I said quietly, pushing my hair out of my face. She frowned again, looking back to Kennedy, who walked over.

“I texted you at noon! You were supposed to come then!” he told me, sounding rather exasperated.

“I was at work. My phone was off,” I explained timidly, wringing my hands around the strap of my bag.

Kennedy rolled his eyes, making a rather drunken fuss about how Em and I should still be friends. His speech, of sorts, lasted for five minutes, and by the end of it, he didn’t even remember what he’d been talking about. I walked away from it rather confused.

I sighed, needing some air. I walked out onto the patio and took a deep breathe. I cursed when I saw Josh approaching me. It was obvious that I had seen him, so it was impossible to escape him.

There was a cup in his hand that looked rather full and his hair was a complete mess. In the rather dim light of the patio, he look exhausted. He seemed rather shocked to see me there, just as John had. He looked me over quickly, taking a drink from his cup.

“You didn’t return my calls,” he said after a silence. My heart was racing, faster even than when I’d run into John. I stammered a bit, not being able to form an answer. I only licked my lips and looked down at my feet.

“I’m sorry,” I responded with a sigh of defeat. I was on the verge of snapping. I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I’d spent eight hours on my feet at work, and now I was facing something I wasn’t prepared for.

Josh scoffed, looking around the outdoor space swiftly. He stared me down, pressuring me to say something else. My heart sped up again as he bit his bottom lip for two seconds. “You’re not sorry.” He was calling me out and I could feel perspiration gathering on my palms.

“Fine, I’m not.” I pursed my lips after speaking. I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, stubbornly.
“You’re not what?”

“I’m not fucking sorry, okay?” I snapped at him, biting my tongue once the words left my mouth. My voice had raised and several people turned to look, including Jess and Godsey. “If I had wanted to talk to you, I would have fucking called you back. I would have replied to your texts. I would have come to see you, but I didn’t. This isn’t going to work, Josh.”

“What if I don’t care?” he asked, setting his cup down. I could hear the frustration building in his voice as he put his hands gently on my shoulders. “I gave up everything for you, Spencer. My girlfriend, my best friend, my fucking music career. Now you just tell me that we won’t fucking work?” His grip on my shoulders tightened as his voice raised.

“You may have given up all of those things, but I didn’t ask you too!” I yelled at him, tears filling in my eyes.. He was hurting me by then, his hands still clenching my shoulders.

Suddenly, he released me, running his hands through his hair as I sobbed once. He stepped away to take a drink from his cup. He looked back at me, looking me over again quickly. He licked his lips and I frowned, looking around for a way out of this mess. He took a step closer to me, closing the small gap between us. His hands went around my upper arms gently, holding me to him as his lips pressed against mine.

We kissed for the whole world to see, for the first time. I realized this, and it made more tears fall to my cheeks as I started to kiss back. As much as I didn’t want to be kissing him, nothing was stopping me. No boyfriend, no lie to cover up, no hiding. I could taste the alcohol on his lips as we kissed, my hands clenching the front of his shirt. Our lips moved in sync, his tongue gliding along my bottom lip. The moment was perfect.

When we pulled apart a moment later, I could feel people staring at us and I could hear whispers. Josh was holding me then, his arms securely around me. I dared to smile up at him softly.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Dree yelled, shattering the moment. She came storming out onto the patio, hell’s fire in her eyes. John was trailing behind her, obviously trying to calm her down and persuade her to go back into the house.

My stomach and heart both sunk lower than I had ever thought possible. I felt light-headed, the guilt flooding my system. I wrapped my hand around Josh’s forearm to keep my balance. I teetered slightly, and Josh put his hand on my waist to settle me.

“You have got some nerve showing up here, slut,” Dree said, less than a foot away from me. She wasn’t yelling anymore, but the sound of her voice was terrifying. Looking over her shoulder, I could see Em and Kennedy hovering at the door to the patio, unsure of whether to exit or not.

“Dree, I told you, it was a mistake!” John argued for me, not even bothering to look at me.

“Stop defending her, John!” she spat, turning around to stare at him in bewilderment. “This whore was sleeping with your best friend for four goddamn months, and only confessed because we cornered her. Now, she shows up at your going away party and decides to make out with your best friend at the party, and you do nothing but defend her?!”

John was speechless. He looked as though he’d been punched repeatedly in the gut. He was looking at me as if it was the first time he was learning that I’d been sleeping with Josh. He shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looked to Stephen, who was near the door, watching the scene unfold. Jess was beside him.

“John, I --” I started, but Dree stepped in front of me, cutting off both my sentence and my view of John.

“When are you going to get it?” she demanded, her face going read. “You have, more or less, ruined his life. Because of you, he no longer has a girlfriend or a best friend. You are a dumb slut, and John is too fucking good for you anyway. So honestly, just take a hint and leave John and the rest of this band alone.”

“Wait, what?!” a drunk Brian Dales came bursting through the crowd that had gathered around us. He looked at the four of us in shock. “Since when has Spencer been sleeping with Josh?”

“Who forgot to tell Brian?” Dree asked, looking to Jess and Stephen, who both shrugged.

“I’ve been fucking Josh behind John’s back for four months, Brian,” I told him. I paused, looking to Dree. “And I’ve loved every goddamn minute of it.” I spat the words at her, my temper reaching it’s boiling point.

Before I could react, she slapped me across the face. The sound echoed throughout the patio and several guys in the growing crowd cheered. I took a step back in shock, crashing into Josh. It was easy to tell that there was now a bright hand-mark on my face. When I stopped seeing stars, I looked back to Dree. She looked satisfied and John looked conflicted, as though part of him wanted to come and make sure I was okay.

I saw no other choice but to just leave. I collected myself and pushed through the crowd to get back to the house. Em tried to stop me and calm me down, but I just kept walking. I could hear Josh behind me, calling my name and trying to get me to stop, but I didn’t. Tears of embarrassment, shame, and frustration were rolling down my cheeks quickly. On the front lawn, Josh grabbed my wrist, forcing me to stop.

“Let go of me!” I yelled at him, fighting against him. He soon was holding both of my wrists, yelling for me to calm down. Finally, breathing heavily and sobbing, I stopped fighting and leaned into his chest.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated to me over and over. Eventually, I pulled away from him and looked up at him. “Let’s go back to Flagstaff, okay? Let’s just run away together.”

“Josh, no. The band --”

“Fuck the band! They don’t matter anymore. They don’t matter as much as you do.” I could tell what words were on the tip of his tongue.

“Don’t you say it, Josh. Don’t you fucking say that you love me!” I yelled at him, seeing red. I pulled away from him again, my heart pounding so hard it seemed like it was trying to escape from my chest.

“I don’t care anymore, Spencer,” he said, his voice low. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I love you, okay? And I know that you feel something for me, too.”

“No!” I screamed, punching his as hard as I could in the chest. “You’re not allowed! We’re not allowed to be together, Josh!”

“We are now, though!”

I didn’t say anything for a moment. I let myself calm down first. I was still sobbing and crying, but with my arms wrapped around myself, my mind calmed. I licked my lips, tasting salt from my tears, and looked up at him. “I don’t want to see you anymore, Josh! Everything is shit now. My life is ruined, and so is yours, and John’s! I’m trying to fix this in the only way I know how. I just...I can’t see you anymore. So please, just leave me alone,” I asked of him, taking a few steps backward.

He looked a bit shell-shocked, standing there with his mouth open. My heart was breaking all over again as I watched him. I sobbed again, searching through my bag with a single shaking hand as I tried to find my keys. I finally found them and fumbled over the buttons to unlock my car. I got in and drove away, still able to see Josh watching me go.