Believers Never Die Pt. 1
Where Is Your Boy? (Part Two)
Ryan never ended up taking me home. He parked the car back by an old parking lot a few blocks away.
"I love you," he said to me. At fourteen, I didn't need much more convincing.
My skin was coated in a thin sheen of sweat, and my stomach stuck to the vinyl seats of Ryan's Oldsmobile. I never imagined this. I was just talking to him in the park. I never thought I would be face down in the backseat of his car.
My heart was pounding. My whole body was trembling underneath of Ryan. The weight of his body held me in place as he moved in and out of me. In. Out. In. Out. His thrusts came in a perfect 2-4 rhythm. At the time, I did think this was "making love." Now, I can't call it anything but fucking.
This wasn't about pleasure. Not for me, anyway. I was in pain. With every thrust, I felt a shooting discomfort tremor through my muscles. Ryan's hand pressed firmly against my back, forcing me against the seat. My hands gripped the vinyl, nails digging in until I feared I would tear them open. I felt tears beginning to form behind my eyes, so I bit down on my bottom lip and closed my eyes for a second, blinking back any moisture that had been looking to escape. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to Ryan to stop, but above me, he was growling and groaning. It didn't matter anymore to me that this was uncomfortable. He was enjoying it. I didn't want to ruin it for him, so I opened my eyes, and I stared at the inside of the car door, focusing on the texture, trying to take my mind to another place.
I felt the weight on my back and imagined that perhaps I was sinking. I was chained to something, and I was sinking. As I drifted towards the ocean floor, I looked at the waters around me. This wasn't normal, but it was soothing. It was calm and serene. I took in my surroundings, watching every fish, admiring every plant and every reef as I passed it. It was absolutely beautiful. I loved this. I felt happy, even though I knew I belonged up on the surface. I shouldn't have been here. There was a key in my hand, the key to freeing myself from the chains. I had the option to unlock myself, to get out and return to normalcy, but I didn't want to. I was captivated. However, it soon grew darker, and the sea life soon grew sparse. I looked above me. The sunlight was getting farther and farther away. Within a matter of minutes, the fish and the life I enjoyed seeing was gone. I was drifting alone, sinking lower and lower. The chain hit the sand, and I soon followed. As my body sunk into the ocean floor, I looked up, and I realized it was dark, and I was alone. I let go of the key in my hand and followed it with eyes as it drifted upward until it disappeared. It vanished into the darkness.
Ryan let out another groan. It almost sounded inhuman. I felt him freeze up above me, gripping my small body. In turn, I gripped the car seat as I felt him shoot out inside of me. I inhaled sharply and sunk my teeth into my bottom lip. When I felt Ryan pull out and sit up, I released a shaky breath. I blinked back my tears again as I released my grip. Breathlessly, Ryan told me to roll over. Hesitantly, I did as told, and I sat up slowly. Ryan smiled at me, and he reached his hand toward me. I had to fight off the urge to flinch. He ran his fingers down my face, staring into my eyes. He leaned forward and kissed me. He was so much gentler with me now. When we parted, I opened my eyes, looking at him quite seriously. "How old are you?"
"I told you, I don't believe in age," he replied.
"No, I just... I want to know."
He nodded, running his fingers through my hair. "I'm twenty-six."
My eyes widened slightly. "You're twenty-six?"
"Yes, but you can't tell anyone," Ryan told me quietly.
"But... but Ryan--"
"You love me, don't you?"
I nodded and stopped talking. I stopped trying to argue. In the end, we left the subject alone and got dressed. He drove me home, and I awkwardly kissed him goodbye. Once inside, I made a b-line for my bedroom. I closed the door and immediately fell to pieces. I dropped the floor and sobbed. Was that how it was supposed to feel? Something felt wrong. I felt dirty. My whole body was sore. I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to quiet myself in case Evander was home and maybe heard me.
I managed to calm myself down, to steady my breathing. I sat against my door and pulled my knees to my chest. He said he loved me.
It couldn't have been wrong if he loved me.
"I love you," he said to me. At fourteen, I didn't need much more convincing.
My skin was coated in a thin sheen of sweat, and my stomach stuck to the vinyl seats of Ryan's Oldsmobile. I never imagined this. I was just talking to him in the park. I never thought I would be face down in the backseat of his car.
My heart was pounding. My whole body was trembling underneath of Ryan. The weight of his body held me in place as he moved in and out of me. In. Out. In. Out. His thrusts came in a perfect 2-4 rhythm. At the time, I did think this was "making love." Now, I can't call it anything but fucking.
This wasn't about pleasure. Not for me, anyway. I was in pain. With every thrust, I felt a shooting discomfort tremor through my muscles. Ryan's hand pressed firmly against my back, forcing me against the seat. My hands gripped the vinyl, nails digging in until I feared I would tear them open. I felt tears beginning to form behind my eyes, so I bit down on my bottom lip and closed my eyes for a second, blinking back any moisture that had been looking to escape. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to Ryan to stop, but above me, he was growling and groaning. It didn't matter anymore to me that this was uncomfortable. He was enjoying it. I didn't want to ruin it for him, so I opened my eyes, and I stared at the inside of the car door, focusing on the texture, trying to take my mind to another place.
I felt the weight on my back and imagined that perhaps I was sinking. I was chained to something, and I was sinking. As I drifted towards the ocean floor, I looked at the waters around me. This wasn't normal, but it was soothing. It was calm and serene. I took in my surroundings, watching every fish, admiring every plant and every reef as I passed it. It was absolutely beautiful. I loved this. I felt happy, even though I knew I belonged up on the surface. I shouldn't have been here. There was a key in my hand, the key to freeing myself from the chains. I had the option to unlock myself, to get out and return to normalcy, but I didn't want to. I was captivated. However, it soon grew darker, and the sea life soon grew sparse. I looked above me. The sunlight was getting farther and farther away. Within a matter of minutes, the fish and the life I enjoyed seeing was gone. I was drifting alone, sinking lower and lower. The chain hit the sand, and I soon followed. As my body sunk into the ocean floor, I looked up, and I realized it was dark, and I was alone. I let go of the key in my hand and followed it with eyes as it drifted upward until it disappeared. It vanished into the darkness.
Ryan let out another groan. It almost sounded inhuman. I felt him freeze up above me, gripping my small body. In turn, I gripped the car seat as I felt him shoot out inside of me. I inhaled sharply and sunk my teeth into my bottom lip. When I felt Ryan pull out and sit up, I released a shaky breath. I blinked back my tears again as I released my grip. Breathlessly, Ryan told me to roll over. Hesitantly, I did as told, and I sat up slowly. Ryan smiled at me, and he reached his hand toward me. I had to fight off the urge to flinch. He ran his fingers down my face, staring into my eyes. He leaned forward and kissed me. He was so much gentler with me now. When we parted, I opened my eyes, looking at him quite seriously. "How old are you?"
"I told you, I don't believe in age," he replied.
"No, I just... I want to know."
He nodded, running his fingers through my hair. "I'm twenty-six."
My eyes widened slightly. "You're twenty-six?"
"Yes, but you can't tell anyone," Ryan told me quietly.
"But... but Ryan--"
"You love me, don't you?"
I nodded and stopped talking. I stopped trying to argue. In the end, we left the subject alone and got dressed. He drove me home, and I awkwardly kissed him goodbye. Once inside, I made a b-line for my bedroom. I closed the door and immediately fell to pieces. I dropped the floor and sobbed. Was that how it was supposed to feel? Something felt wrong. I felt dirty. My whole body was sore. I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to quiet myself in case Evander was home and maybe heard me.
I managed to calm myself down, to steady my breathing. I sat against my door and pulled my knees to my chest. He said he loved me.
It couldn't have been wrong if he loved me.