Dear John
Chapter 3
“Alli, John is coming home today,” Nicole said pulling my curtains open letting the sun stream into my room.
“I don’t want to think about that Nic,” I mumbled from underneath my covers. There was once a time when a day like today would be the best day in my life but now it was just filled with dread. “I think I’m going to be too busy today to worry about it him anyways.”
“Are you still not talking to him?
“Not since I mailed that letter.” I hated myself for mailing that letter, for even writing that letter I hate myself. It was something I had never wanted to do, never dreamed I would do but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine at home when he was off having fun around the country. I couldn’t keep pretending that he was there for me when I needed him. That when I tried to call him while I was upset he would brush me off. Sure he would always call back later but I don’t need a boyfriend who calls me back later I needed a boyfriend who would take my call when I needed him.
“Alli you should talk to him explain what happened, maybe you guys could work it out. You know you guys were always the best couple.”
“Until he stopped caring for me.”
“John I’m so glad you answered I’m so upset I just needed someone to talk to,” I said into the phone my words barely audible over my sobs.
“Alli now isn’t really a good time.” He said back.
“Are you about to play?” I asked looking at the clock it was late enough their set should have been over by now.
“No but a bunch of us are getting ready to go bowling, so is it ok if I call you back when I’m not so busy?”
“Umm yeah it’s fine go bowl we can talk later.”
“Thanks you’re the best . I love you.”
“Love you too.” He hung up before I was able to get the last word out. “No John I swear I’m not crying, ok maybe I am. Maybe my grandpa just died and I’m a little emotional, oh you wish you were here to give me a hug and tell me its ok? Well just your voice is well enough it’s perfect. No the funeral isn’t for a couple days, I’ll be fine don’t come home I promise I’m fine I just needed someone to talk to. What I can’t talk to you because you’re going bowling? You’re always doing something when I need you.” I started to cry harder as I realized how alone I was becoming. I just needed him for a few minutes to talk me through this but it wasn’t convenient enough for him just to stay on the line with me for a few minutes. To calm me down even if he would have just bowled last I’m sure that would have been enough time for him to make me feel better like he always does. Maybe I’ll explain it to him in the next letter. I was going to have to write it soon so why not now, who knows if I would even have time to do it later with having to go to my grandpa’s funeral and stuff. I sat down at my desk and looked at the blank sheet of paper in front of me.
Dear John,
I hope tour is treating you well, it seems like you are having a fun time from the letters and postcards you send me. I’m still very jealous of you being able to see the country. I wish I was in your position, instead of stuck at home waiting for you to call me back so I can tell you about my day.
Today my grandpa died. I tried to call you and even though you weren’t getting ready to play and I was crying you were still too busy to talk to me. You are always too busy to talk when I try to call you. Its weird because I thought I relationship was stronger then this but I guess not. All my friends said that you leaving on tour would be the end of us but they assumed it would be because of jealousy or some crap like that. No the end of our relationship is because emotionally you are incapable of being there for me unless you are here and I can’t ask tragedy to wait until you get back. I need a boyfriend who understands that I need him more then just when it is convenient for him. And I understand that you are busy and you have obligations but I can’t understand why bowling, or going to the bar is more important than me crying. I need you to be there for me why can’t you do that. Why can’t you make a little bit of time to talk to me when I need it?
John I hate to say this but I feel we are growing part, that’s a lie there is still nobody I could love more than I love you and I know that when I see you and you are there for me one hundred percent but this ninety percent for your band and fans and ten percent for me is not going to work for me anymore. Sixty forty I could understand. Seventy thirty would be acceptable but how we are now isn’t. I can’t do this anymore no matter how much I want to.
Just so you know this isn’t the first time you have done this to me. Here’s the list.
When my grandpa died,
When my dog died,
When I made the honors list at college,
When I graduated high school,
My last birthday,
My car wreck,
When we found out my grandpa had cancer which led to his death.
There is probably more but those are the important things. Oh and when I got to go to prom by myself because you missed the flight home and when I got to go to my sister’s wedding solo because you were called away the night before hand and you were suppose to be in the wedding party. Thanks for nothing but a few great years, I hate to see it end like this but it is all I can do.
I’ll love you forever,
Alli
P.s. I’m also really sorry you will be reading this on your birthday.
The paper was covered in tears there was no way I could send it looking this way, no way I could send it with how harsh it was. I didn’t want him to know how much he let me down just that he had let me down. So I pulled out a new sheet of paper and started over, being extra careful not to cry on it.
Dear John,
Please know that I do love you and I do understand that this is your life. But please understand that I’ve been alone for months and each month you are gone you go farther and farther away from me emotionally. I can’t live my life around yours anymore. I wish I could but I can’t. Believe me there is no one else I will ever love as much as I love you but love isn’t enough anymore.
Forever yours,
Alli.
p.s. happy birthday.
Nic sat down next to me on my bed, “We have to go see them tonight, I didn’t know you are John were on bad terms and I told Josh and Brian we would have dinner with them. I don’t know if John and Stephen will come also but I don’t want it to be weird if they do. We have to go.”
“You have to go you were the one who accepted the offer without asking me if it was ok first. I don’t have to go I won’t go.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes I do more than you probably would understand and I know I probably seem like I am acting childish to you but I can’t help it. He hurt me, and not in a way that I can forgive.”
“You know they say John is hurting pretty badly also.”
“He deserves to hurt to.” Nic sighed loudly and started to leave the room.
“Get ready you’re going with me or I will bring them here I promise.” She slammed the door shut and I got out of bed.
“I don’t want to think about that Nic,” I mumbled from underneath my covers. There was once a time when a day like today would be the best day in my life but now it was just filled with dread. “I think I’m going to be too busy today to worry about it him anyways.”
“Are you still not talking to him?
“Not since I mailed that letter.” I hated myself for mailing that letter, for even writing that letter I hate myself. It was something I had never wanted to do, never dreamed I would do but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine at home when he was off having fun around the country. I couldn’t keep pretending that he was there for me when I needed him. That when I tried to call him while I was upset he would brush me off. Sure he would always call back later but I don’t need a boyfriend who calls me back later I needed a boyfriend who would take my call when I needed him.
“Alli you should talk to him explain what happened, maybe you guys could work it out. You know you guys were always the best couple.”
“Until he stopped caring for me.”
“John I’m so glad you answered I’m so upset I just needed someone to talk to,” I said into the phone my words barely audible over my sobs.
“Alli now isn’t really a good time.” He said back.
“Are you about to play?” I asked looking at the clock it was late enough their set should have been over by now.
“No but a bunch of us are getting ready to go bowling, so is it ok if I call you back when I’m not so busy?”
“Umm yeah it’s fine go bowl we can talk later.”
“Thanks you’re the best . I love you.”
“Love you too.” He hung up before I was able to get the last word out. “No John I swear I’m not crying, ok maybe I am. Maybe my grandpa just died and I’m a little emotional, oh you wish you were here to give me a hug and tell me its ok? Well just your voice is well enough it’s perfect. No the funeral isn’t for a couple days, I’ll be fine don’t come home I promise I’m fine I just needed someone to talk to. What I can’t talk to you because you’re going bowling? You’re always doing something when I need you.” I started to cry harder as I realized how alone I was becoming. I just needed him for a few minutes to talk me through this but it wasn’t convenient enough for him just to stay on the line with me for a few minutes. To calm me down even if he would have just bowled last I’m sure that would have been enough time for him to make me feel better like he always does. Maybe I’ll explain it to him in the next letter. I was going to have to write it soon so why not now, who knows if I would even have time to do it later with having to go to my grandpa’s funeral and stuff. I sat down at my desk and looked at the blank sheet of paper in front of me.
Dear John,
I hope tour is treating you well, it seems like you are having a fun time from the letters and postcards you send me. I’m still very jealous of you being able to see the country. I wish I was in your position, instead of stuck at home waiting for you to call me back so I can tell you about my day.
Today my grandpa died. I tried to call you and even though you weren’t getting ready to play and I was crying you were still too busy to talk to me. You are always too busy to talk when I try to call you. Its weird because I thought I relationship was stronger then this but I guess not. All my friends said that you leaving on tour would be the end of us but they assumed it would be because of jealousy or some crap like that. No the end of our relationship is because emotionally you are incapable of being there for me unless you are here and I can’t ask tragedy to wait until you get back. I need a boyfriend who understands that I need him more then just when it is convenient for him. And I understand that you are busy and you have obligations but I can’t understand why bowling, or going to the bar is more important than me crying. I need you to be there for me why can’t you do that. Why can’t you make a little bit of time to talk to me when I need it?
John I hate to say this but I feel we are growing part, that’s a lie there is still nobody I could love more than I love you and I know that when I see you and you are there for me one hundred percent but this ninety percent for your band and fans and ten percent for me is not going to work for me anymore. Sixty forty I could understand. Seventy thirty would be acceptable but how we are now isn’t. I can’t do this anymore no matter how much I want to.
Just so you know this isn’t the first time you have done this to me. Here’s the list.
When my grandpa died,
When my dog died,
When I made the honors list at college,
When I graduated high school,
My last birthday,
My car wreck,
When we found out my grandpa had cancer which led to his death.
There is probably more but those are the important things. Oh and when I got to go to prom by myself because you missed the flight home and when I got to go to my sister’s wedding solo because you were called away the night before hand and you were suppose to be in the wedding party. Thanks for nothing but a few great years, I hate to see it end like this but it is all I can do.
I’ll love you forever,
Alli
P.s. I’m also really sorry you will be reading this on your birthday.
The paper was covered in tears there was no way I could send it looking this way, no way I could send it with how harsh it was. I didn’t want him to know how much he let me down just that he had let me down. So I pulled out a new sheet of paper and started over, being extra careful not to cry on it.
Dear John,
Please know that I do love you and I do understand that this is your life. But please understand that I’ve been alone for months and each month you are gone you go farther and farther away from me emotionally. I can’t live my life around yours anymore. I wish I could but I can’t. Believe me there is no one else I will ever love as much as I love you but love isn’t enough anymore.
Forever yours,
Alli.
p.s. happy birthday.
Nic sat down next to me on my bed, “We have to go see them tonight, I didn’t know you are John were on bad terms and I told Josh and Brian we would have dinner with them. I don’t know if John and Stephen will come also but I don’t want it to be weird if they do. We have to go.”
“You have to go you were the one who accepted the offer without asking me if it was ok first. I don’t have to go I won’t go.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes I do more than you probably would understand and I know I probably seem like I am acting childish to you but I can’t help it. He hurt me, and not in a way that I can forgive.”
“You know they say John is hurting pretty badly also.”
“He deserves to hurt to.” Nic sighed loudly and started to leave the room.
“Get ready you’re going with me or I will bring them here I promise.” She slammed the door shut and I got out of bed.