It Was You All Along

I woke up to the feeling of hot breath on my face. My eyes opened and I saw that I was in Jared’s living room. At first I was confused, and it took me a while to remember what happened last night. All of the events started clouding my brain. I smiled slightly and titled my head up to see Jared’s gorgeous sleeping face. His breath tickled my face once more as he exhaled.

I laid my head back down on his chest, the smile never faltering from my lips. I would love to wake up like that every day. It’s a hell of a lot better than waking up to a sex-smelling and sweaty Derek, knowing that I did absolutely nothing with him the night before. It’s a big disappointment, really. I tried so hard to be a good boyfriend to him and he cheats on me. It was just like a take, take relationship for him. All I did was give and all he did was take.

I shut my eyes tight and tried to forget all about Derek for a little longer before I had to go back to that house and see him. He was probably wondering where I was last night, and also preparing this big long speech about how I'm not a good boyfriend, even though he was the one who kicked me out in the first place. He was just like that, though. He swore that it was my fault he used to cheat. He used to tell me to be a better boyfriend by having sex with him, that it would make our relationship better. I mean, maybe I’m wrong for asking this, but shouldn’t he respect my want to stay a virgin until the right moment? I shouldn’t have to have sex with him just because he wants it. This is my body, and I’m going to treat it with respect. I wanted to wait until the right person came along to give them my special gift, and Jared just so happened to be that person.

And that was exactly what happened that night. I don’t regret any of it. Jared has been there for me through thick and thin, through my worst of times and through the best. He’s held me when I cried about Derek and how he treats me. He has never once made me do anything I don’t want to. Even though he tried to get me to break up with Derek, he wouldn't push the subject. He knew how I felt about him, even though all he did was hurt me. He understood me, and that’s what I love most about him.

And you know what? I’ll admit it. I knew I was in love with Jared the moment I woke up that morning looking up to his beautiful sleeping figure with his breath slightly hitting my face. He made my heart beat faster whenever I was around him, and made my head spin. He confused me and made my emotions run haywire. I realize now that I’ve had those feelings all along, but I had just been ignoring them that whole time. I was scared to admit that I had a crush on my best friend, not knowing if he felt the same. When I knew that he did, everything changed. I no longer wanted to go home to Derek. I wanted to come home to Jared, to be the best boyfriend he ever had. I wanted to cook him dinner, so when he came home he could have a nice meal, and maybe after I always thought we could cuddle and relax together. I am completely aware that it sounded like a girly proposition, but that’s how I wanted it. That's how I felt. I wanted my days to start and end with Jared. I wanted to wake up and see his face every morning, and then go to bed cuddling up next to him. I always imagined how happier my life would be if I had a boyfriend who would treat me well and wouldn't cheat on me with random whores he found on the side streets.

The smile on my face grew as I kept daydreaming of how our life would be together. Man, I was such a girl.

Suddenly, I felt a hand run through my hair. I looked up to see Jared’s tired eyes looking at me, a small smirk apparent on his lips. “What are you thinking about there, smiley?”

I chuckled at the cute little name he called me and then looked away, blushing. He would've thought I was weird for the things that were going through my head at the time, so I just shook my head and answered, “Nothing really. I’m just happy right now.” I dared to look back up at him, only to see his smile widen.

“Good. Me too.” He softly pressed his lips to my forehead, lingering there for a few seconds. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against mine, raking his fingers through my hair. His smile faded and his face became serious. I looked at him with questioning eyes.

Jared opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out for about a minute. Finally, he asked, “I want to know how you feel about last night.” His hands stopped raking through my hair, but still rested on my scalp.

I wanted so badly to admit how I felt about that night, how I felt about him. I wanted to pour my heart out to him… But I thought that maybe he didn't feel the same way. I remember thinking, 'What if he’s asking me because he regrets it, what if it was all just a mistake?' My heart beat accelerated and it felt like it was going to pounce right through my chest with how hard it was pounding. I looked at a lamp on an end table that was located behind his head, since I couldn’t look him in the eyes, for fear he could see right through them. “H-How do you feel?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t know what to say, so I thought I’d ask his opinion, hoping it would help me think of the right answer.

“Honestly?” He asked, but didn’t wait for me to answer. “I’ve never felt like that towards someone before. I mean, I’ve had some pretty sweet sex with people before, but last night… I wouldn’t classify it as sex. Forgive me for maybe being a little too blunt here, but I would classify our encounter last night as making love. Because to me, we did make love. I knew I had strong feelings for you when we started, but after wards… They changed into some pretty hardcore feelings. I- James, I think I fell in love with you last night.”

My eyes instantly moved from the lamp behind him to his blue eyes. They held fear, probably from the answer I was about to give him. But I couldn’t talk. I could barely think. If my heart wasn’t nearly pounding out of my chest before, it surely was right then. I’m positive Jared could've heard it from how close he was to me, but at the time it didn’t really bother me. All that I cared about was the fact that he felt the same. He loved me just like I loved him, and that’s all I needed to hear.

“James, um… It would be nice for you to answer now…” Jared said hesitantly.

“I…” My mouth still couldn’t form words, so I decided to answer him physically instead of verbally. I cupped both of his cheeks with my hands and then pulled him in for a kiss. My lips used more force than I had intended, and I almost pulled away until I felt Jared using as much force as I was, if not more. We were kissing each other passionately, putting everything we have into that kiss. Jared put one hand on the back of my neck, and the other on my lower back, pulling me completely against him. Without hesitation, I quickly wrapped one leg around his waist, trying to pull us even closer than we already were. I gasped as I felt Jared’s lower half against mine, feeling automatic friction between us. He took advantage of that and shoved his tongue inside my mouth. We didn’t bother fighting for dominance, since I already let him have control over me. I wasn’t exactly the dominant type, if you couldn’t already tell. He moved me onto my back, pressing his body against mine. This allowed me to wrap both of my legs around his waist. We both broke away from the kiss and gasped at the contact. My eyes instantly closed when he started trailing kisses along my jaw line. His lips went lower and he started to nip at the soft part of my neck, making me moan and lift my hips up. I heard Jared groan from under me as he pushed his lower half against mine, eventually grinding his hips into mine. My breath started coming out in short spurts and sweat formed on my forehead as our movements became more rushed.

Suddenly Jared pulled away, causing a whimper to escape my mouth. He chuckled and kissed me full on the lips, our tongues immediately finding each other’s. After a few minutes, he pulled away again and laid his forehead against mine. I kept my eyes closed to try and catch my breath. When I opened them, I saw him staring at me with lust filled eyes.

“James… I need you again.”

His breath against my face sent shivers down my spine, and I moved my face a little to catch his lips in a soft kiss. “Make love to me, Jared.” I said, my lips touching his.

***

I sat there, staring at the familiar house in front of me. His car was in the driveway, which meant he was home. I’ll admit, it did scare me a little, but with Jared right by my side it made some of the tension go away. We were both sitting in his car in the driveway of mine and Derek’s house. I looked over at him, an unsure look in my eyes. His eyes had been on me the whole time, so he smiled and then rested his hand on top of mine that was gripping my thigh.

“Are you sure about this? What if he gets angry?” I asked, my voice squeaking. I honestly felt like I could piss my pants right then and there, although Jared wouldn’t have been too happy about me ruining the passenger seat of his car. Jared squeezed my hand, trying to relax me.

“I am positive. You need to do this, James. Unfortunately, there’s a ninety-nine percent chance Derek will be mad, but you should be expecting that. You can’t back down. You can’t let him have control over you anymore. You don’t even have to say much, just let him know it’s over. You’re no longer together anymore. I have confidence in you.” He squeezed my hand one more time before releasing. He leaned over my side of the front seat and opened the door. Before he sat back, he cupped my face with both of his hands and gave me a soft kiss. “Do this for us. For me.” Still cupping my face in his hands, he looked at me.

I nodded my head. “Okay. I will.” Giving me a soft smile, Jared let go of my face and sat back in his seat.

“You know I love you?” He asked me. A smile immediately appeared on my lips as I looked over at him.

“Yes. I love you, too.” With that, I got out of the car and headed up the sidewalk to the front door. I should have just walked through the door, but the house suddenly felt so foreign to me, especially after the events of the night before. That house was not my home any longer. I barely stayed there, mostly since whenever Derek would have one of his hookers over, he kicked me out. There was nothing about that house that I would miss. I took a deep breath and held it as I rang the doorbell.

So I stood there, not breathing for a few minutes until the door finally opened, revealing a wide awake, and very angry Derek. As soon as he saw me, he glared and opened the door wider. As much as I needed to breathe right then, I could barely do so. I knew what was about to come, and I was scared. Derek never really used to hit me, well, besides the occasional shove of the head whenever he would call me stupid or annoying or I did something to upset him. But he never smacked me or punched me or threw me around. I’ve always been grateful for that.

As soon as I was in the confines of the living room, Derek slammed the door shut and turned around to glare at me, his eyes burning a hole in my face. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I had to stare at his chin to keep myself from crying. “Where the fuck have you been,” He yelled at me, walking towards me. “I’ve been calling you! How come you haven’t answered your fucking phone?!” By that point, he was was in my face, our bodies merely inches apart.

“I’m s-sorry. I h-honestly didn’t even realize that you called,” I stuttered. I could barely form sentences, and by the time they came out, my voice was so squeaky that you could barely understand me.

“You’re sorry?! That’s all you’ve got?! I called you early this morning to let you know that you could come home. But you wouldn’t answer your damn phone!” He spit a few times in my face, but I was too scared to wipe it away. I was stuck frozen in place, still staring at anything but his eyes. “Who the hell do you think you are that you could just ignore my phone calls?”

I felt tears well up in my eyes, the fear overwhelming me. I shut my eyes tight. I wasn’t going to let him overpower me anymore. This was the last straw. He has made me feel vulnerable one too many times. It was about time for me to stick up for myself. I thought of Jared waiting in the car to boost my confidence. I thought of his touch, the way his lips felt on mine, and how much I wanted to be with him right then. I wanted to be away from there, safe in the arms of my Jared.

“Stop crying and answer me!” Derek yelled, and I felt more spit fly on my face. I mentally checked my cheeks to make sure there weren’t any wet marks on them, and luckily there weren’t. He probably thought that I was crying since I had my eyes closed. Well, he was in for a big suprise. I opened my eyes, meeting Derek’s cold ones, confidence coursing through my veins. My eyes no longer felt wet, and that only made things easier.

“I’m done with this Derek,” I started, startling him at how calm and confident my voice sounded. I was actually really proud of myself. Gold star for me! “The cheating, how you don’t even think of my feelings when I know what you’re doing with them in our bed. I’m tired of your lack of care for me. You say you love me, but do you really mean it? Do you even love me? Did you ever love me? Was this whole relationship just a big lie based on your supposed ‘love’ for me? And, you know I don’t really even care if that’s the case, because I’m done. I don’t want to deal with you anymore. You’ve hurt me way too many times, and I just can’t take the hurt any longer. You don’t deserve me. I deserve someone who will treat me right, who will love me for whom I am and not cheat behind my back, let alone right in front of me.” I took a deep breath. “So, this is it. I’m breaking up with you.”

Derek just stood there, staring at me with wide eyes and his mouth slightly agape. To me, it felt like hours that we both stood there staring at each other, when in reality it was probably only about five minutes. He finally looked like he was ready to say something. “You… You can’t break up with me.” It was demanding, but he said it quietly, as if still trying to register the fact that I just broke up with him.

My confidence was still high on the scale. I pictured Jared’s face in my mind. “Well,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I kind of just did.”

Derek’s eyes narrowed at me. I could feel my confidence slowly go down, but I wouldn’t show it on the outside. I was not going to let hime have control over me any longer. “No, you didn’t.” Derek said a little louder this time. “You do not break up with me. I break up with you! And this relationship is not over!” Spit flew onto my face.

My hands started shaking. I pictured my future with Jared, him holding me in his apartment living room. It only helped calm me a little. “You are mine!” Derek yelled again in my face.

My confidence level went down a lot more after he said that. I wasn’t able to form words yet again, causing me to inaudibly stutter out random noises. “You think anyone could even want you after you leave me?” Derek asked.

Ouch. Wow, that struck a nerve. I stopped trying to form words and stared at him with my eyebrows knitted together. “No one will want you. You’re a worthless piece of shit. You’re lucky you even have me. You should be thankful, not wanting to break up with me.” Somehow, Derek knew that bothered me, and he had a smirk on his face by the time he finished saying that.

“I’m not worthless. And I actually have found someone else. That’s why I’m breaking up with you. I know I can do better than you. I deserve someone who loves me, not someone who cheats on me and uses me.” I kept my voice at a soft, calm level to prove my point. I knew if I tried yelling that in his face, it would only make him think that I didn’t actually have anybody, but I just wanted to seem cool. “I’m not putting up with your shit anymore, Derek. When I said I was done, I meant it. I can’t… I just can’t do it anymore. You’ve broken my heart too many times, and I’m sick of it. Those nights that I had to leave just because you brought home some slut to go fuck in our bedroom, did you ever really think of how it made me feel? I felt worthless. I felt used. I felt unloved. I mean, why would you even keep me around if you’re just going to fuck every other girl you see? It makes no sense. It’s like you can’t make up your mind, but I’m making it up for you. We’re done. It’s over. Whatever we really had as a relationship is all out the window, now.” I shook my head at him, studying him closely to see his reaction, but he had no emotion on his face. It was just blank. We stood there awkwardly for about ten minutes, staring at each other, waiting for the other to take the initiative to speak. I wasn’t going to. I wasn’t wasting my time on that asshole who couldn’t give a shit about me.

“Good-bye Derek.” And with one final glance, I turned and exited the house, gently closing the door behind me. I knew that what I had said hurt Derek in some way, even if it was the slightest bit, but he wasn’t going to show it. He always had to be the one with the pants on in the relationship. Whenever I tried to help him be more open with me, he brought another whore home and ordered me to leave the house until he called. I was used to it, and didn’t expect him to respond to my lecture. But no matter what, there was still that hurt in my heart that thought maybe he really didn’t care about me. Maybe it didn’t faze him in the slightest by me walking out the door.

I walked down the driveway and saw Jared still sitting patiently in the driver’s seat of his car. I climbed in and sat there quietly, trying to think of something to say. I know he was waiting for me to explain things, but all I could do was break down. It started with a few tears streaming down my cheeks, and then when Jared tried to hold my hand in his, I started sobbing and Niagara Falls poured from my eyes. He awkwardly tried to hold me over the little arm holder in between the seats. Maybe it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it did help that he at least tried to make me feel better. Just the simple touch of his hands would’ve done it, but hey, I wasn’t about to complain.

“Did everything go alright?” He asked quietly, his voice muffled by my hair since his nose dug deep into the crook of my neck. My sobs had quieted down, even though I was still crying. I tried to calm myself a little before answering.

“I honestly don’t know. He tried telling me I couldn’t leave him after I first told him. He said that I was his and that if we were going to break up, he would dump me. He called me worthless and said no one would ever want me.” The sobs started crawling their way back up my throat. “But I tried explaining to him a second time that I really just didn’t want to be with him anymore and that I had found someone else who treats me better than he ever could treat me. I told him how he makes me feel whenever he brings one of those whores into our house and when he orders me to leave the house. He didn’t try fighting against me after that, but he didn’t seem to care, either.” I shrugged nonchalantly, trying to hide my hurt expression. I didn’t want to be fazed my Derek anymore. That was the last time I was going to see his face. I no longer had to deal with him. Why should I care whether or not he cared about me leaving?

Jared pulled back, looking me in the eyes as he cupped my face in his hands. “I know there’s a part of you that still loves him.” He said. And he was right. Therewas no denying that a part of me still loved Derek. Even though it was an extremely small part, he still had somewhere special in my heart.

“I love you more.” I said. I didn’t want Jared thinking that I loved Derek more than him. That could never be possible.

A smile appeared on his lips. “I know,” He said before kissing me.

He pulled away and started the car again, backing out of the driveway. I had a small smile on my face while we were driving down the street. A sudden weight had just been lifted off of my shoulders, and it felt so nice to feel light again. Almost as if the entire time I was with Derek, it was like he was holding me back with chains and it took a lot of energy to move. But now that he was gone and out of the picture, everything seemed clear again. The sky suddenly seemed brighter, the people around me happier, and I felt happier. The more I thought about it, the more I could feel the smile of my face widen.

“Hey,” I heard Jared say. I looked over at him, still smiling.

“How about you and I get some ice cream, huh? I’m in the mood for a brownie sundae from Dairy Queen.”

My smile widened, if that was even possible, and replied, “Yes. I’d love that.” That was right where I wanted to be. With Jared, finally enjoying life. I never thought I would actually look at the world with admiration. I always took the saying, ‘life is a bitch’ to heart because, when I was with Derek, it was true. But then came along Jared. He was the light in my darkness that helped me get through my worst. And I will forever love him for it.