First You Fall

Toni’s P.O.V.

What is it about stress that makes a person pace? Is it the need to feel like you’re doing something? Maybe the quick steps are supposed to help you think. Regardless, pacing does not take the stress away, or at least for me it doesn’t. So why is it that twenty minutes after the guys had made their rushed exit, I found myself pacing up and down the hallway? I clutched my phone in my hand and stayed close to the front door, hoping that I would at least get a call. At the thirty minute mark I stopped pacing and instead sat down on the marbled hallway floor. At the forty five minute mark I considered calling them but decided against it. Whatever it was the guys were doing right now, they probably couldn’t take a call from me at the moment. By the one hour mark, I had grabbed a bottle of JD to help relieve the stress. Throughout all this time my mind never stopped running. I kept imagining all the worse possible outcomes. And then it dawned on me.

What would I do if one of them died?

What would I do if Zacky died?

The guys and Val were like family to me now. Losing any one of them would be fucking devastating. And Zacky. I would have no fucking clue what to do with myself if I lost Zacky. He was the best thing to happen to me. That douche bag that I loved was my entire fucking world. And here I was. Sitting on the hallway floor while they were out doing god knows what, and probably risking their lives. They were out their, protecting each other with their lives. Kicking ass and doing whatever else was necessary. All while I sat on the goddamn hallway floor cradling a bottle of JD. Why couldn’t I be with them? Helping them? If I was ever to lose Zacky, I’d want to be there knowing that I used every ounce of my power to help protect him, although he’d probably be the one protecting me. The point is I was tired of being on the other side, being left in the dark and feeling helpless. I was simply tired of sitting on the hallway floor. Just as I lifted the bottle of JD to my lips, the front door burst open.

The first two to walk in were Johnny and Matt, both lugging huge crate-like boxes behind them. Next Val came in, supporting Jimmy who was limping a little. Brian walked in beside them, cradling his left arm that had a huge gash running down it. By this point I had already jumped up and was looking around them, waiting to see Zacky come through the door. It was a few moments before I realized that he wasn’t coming.

“Val, where’s Zacky?” I asked, not able to keep my voice from shaking.

“Don’t worry. He’s fine.” She said and I felt relief flood through my body. “He had to go take care of someone.”

“By himself?” I asked, feeling that inkling of panic return.

“Once I’ve got this patched up I’ll go after him. Just relax, Toni.” Brian said as he headed towards the kitchen to clean up his left arm.

“What happened?” I asked Val and Jimmy, the only two people in the room. Matt and Johnny had dragged whatever they had come in with down to the basement.

“Nothing we couldn’t handle, everything is fine.” Val said, leading Jimmy into the lounge and helping him sit down.

“Jimmy doesn’t look too fine. And neither does Brian. What happened Val?” I asked again.

“Oh I’m fine, Toni. Thanks for worrying.” Jimmy said with, shooting me a huge grin.

“Ignore him. We gave him a couple of pain killers that are apparently starting to take their toll on his mind.” Val said, looking at Jimmy who was leaning back on the chair.

“Shouldn’t he be in a hospital?” I looked down at his leg, trying to find why he was limping.

“No it’s just a sprain. He’s dealt with worse without a hospital.”

“So are you going to tell me what happened?” I asked Val yet again.

“Toni, you know I can’t.” She sighed and sat down herself.

The look on her face told me I wasn’t going to get much out of her so I dropped it and decided to see what Zacky said when he got back. I returned to mine and Zacky’s room and sat down on the bed. Even though I’d been assured that Zacky was fine, I couldn’t stop worrying until I saw him. After another hour of doing nothing but sitting and worrying I realized that all the stress was finally taking a toll on me. I lay down on the bed to take a quick nap but ended up falling into a deep sleep.

Hours later I felt the bed dip and a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I turned around to face Zacky and slung my arms over his torso. We lay there in silence for a few moments before he finally spoke.

“Val says you’ve been asleep for awhile and haven’t had dinner. There’s food downstairs waiting for you.” He stroked my hair as he spoke.

I was shocked that he was just going to pretend as if nothing had happened. By nature, I’m a curious person. I’d rather know even the most terrible things than live in ignorant bliss. When Zacky became apart of my life, and me apart of his, I found my urge to always know things dampened. I mean considering what the guys did for a living, there was bound to be tons of things that I just wouldn’t get to know. After seeing Zacky shoot a man I decided that there were definitely things I was better off not knowing. But that had changed. My curiosity came back in full measure.

“I’m not hungry. What happened Zacky?” I refuse to just play along and pretend as if nothing had gone wrong today.

“Don’t worry about it. You should eat.” Zacky said as he climbed out of the bed and held his hand out for me.

“I’m not fucking hungry.” I said, sitting up and ignoring his hand. “I want to know what happened!”

“Toni, I can’t fucking tell you. Now get your ass up and let’s go eat.” He said, his voice taking on a harsher tone.

“Why can’t you tell me?” I asked, still not moving from the bed.

“Because it’s strictly business, and you’re not in the business. So stop asking questions.” Zacky lifted me out of the bed and headed towards the door.

My mind was reeling so I was silent as he carried me down to the lounge and placed me on the chair. Everyone but Brian and Johnny had left already.

“Here.” Zacky placed a plate of pasta in front of me. “Brian made it so don’t expect much.”

“Fuck you.” Brian replied with a smirk.

I just stared at the plate before looking back up at Zacky.

“I want to be part of the ‘business’” I said, making air quotes with my fingers.

“What?” Johnny asked, looking away from the TV.

“You said I don’t get to know these things because I’m not apart of your so called business so I want in.” I said, still staring at Zacky.

“We’re going to go.” Brian said, standing up and headed towards the door with Johnny behind him.

I stood and faced Zacky in the most intimidating pose I could muster.

“There is absolutely no fucking way that that’s going to happen.” Zacky finally spoke. His voice took on that domineering tone that he very rarely used with me. Usually when I heard him speak like this, he was talking to someone on the phone.

“And why not? I’m just as capable as the other guys that work for you.” I said, refusing to back down.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass. This conversation is over.” Zacky said, turning away from me and heading back towards the stairs.

I followed him back up to our room before speaking again.

“I’m so fucking tired of being left out of everything.” I said, as I slammed the door shut behind us. “You can’t keep fucking doing this. Running off only to come back and act as if as if nothing happened. What makes you think I’ll keep putting up with that shit?”

“I said this fucking conversation is over.” Zacky shouted. There have been very, very few times when I’ve been afraid of Zacky. This was one of those times but I’d give my soul to the devil before I let Zacky see my fear. I grabbed my bag and left the room. I made my way out to my car and peeled out of the driveway with no idea of where I was going. I ended up parking my car a few blocks away and just sitting. I sat in my car for awhile and just thought about everything that had happened that day. I knew what I wanted but I also knew how stubborn Zacky was going to be. I waited almost two hours before I put the car in drive and went home.

I made my way into the house and shut the door behind me. I hadn’t made it a few feet before I saw Zacky emerge from his office and just look at me. I could tell he was waiting for some explanation but instead of speaking I headed up the stairs and into our bedroom. The look in his eyes had made it clear that he had been at least a little bit worried.

Good. Let him see what it feels like to be left sitting around waiting for someone to come back. It would have been better if he’d chosen to wait on the fucking hallway floor.