Stubborn

Emma, Aaron, and I walked up the driveway of Max’s house, a location we would not have been able to find without his very specific directions. The two of them looked like the offspring of Eros as they held each other closely, keeping a few feet away from me. In all honesty, I looked like a loser. The friend that just always happened to be around for every event, though this time it wasn’t really my idea. It could have been worse, I guess. At least their treacherous betrayal left me in a descent outfit for a party as opposed to spending the whole night in a slightly oversized jersey. Walking up the elegant stone steps (who knew Max had such good taste in real estate?) Emma and Aaron held hands and I was stuck knocking on the door. I ran a hand through my hair awkwardly, trying to look somewhat cool and composed. The door opened revealing Max, a beer in his hand, and that oh-so-chipper smile on his face.

“Hey!” he jeered, opening his arms, “I didn’t think you’d come!” How many times had I heard that line? I was beginning to think I was becoming a party pooper. I leaned in and gave Max a quick hug and felt his chest shake as he chuckled.

“I came,” I said simply, “The party better be good.” I nudged him lightly in the stomach and he feigned pain, playing along with my pointless attempts to act tough when I had obviously given into him.

He chuckled at my ‘not impressed’ eye roll, which I couldn’t help but replace with an ‘I hate you for making me laugh’ smile. Stepping aside, he made room so the three of us could walk in. Being able to have fun effortlessly with Max reassured me that if anything went…awry…tonight then I could easily just spend my time with him, avoiding any drama. Walking into the front hall, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the ceiling that led up to an immense second floor. I had to admit it; the guy had some decorating skills. Not what I would have expected from a hockey player. I walked in slowly, marveling at the clean tiles and lightly coloured walls of his house. It echoed with the sounds of people near the back and I was hesitant in leaving the front hallway. I knew what was back there just like every child knew what was in their closet when the lights went out. Before I could turn around and tell Aaron and Emma how amazing this place was, they were gone. Typical. Instead, I had Max’s company as he slid an arm around my shoulders and slowly led me deeper into his house.

“Feel comfortable to do whatever you like here,” he said, “you’re my guest tonight. I’ve got your back.” I looked up to face him and he gave me a wink. He knew that I knew things were going to get tense. I didn’t need this turning into a pity party. I would have a few beers, mingle with a few of the other people there, and enjoy the night. I figured that if I didn’t pay attention to Jordan he would just disappear, dissolving into a vague memory of the past. “I’ll introduce you to some people.” Before I could agree or refuse, he dragged me along by the shoulders to the living room where a few people (hockey players and others) sat on the couches talking and laughing. This felt like a middle school party where I didn’t know anyone and resorted to looking down at my feet shyly. All it was missing was the humorous separation of girls and boys at opposite sides of the room. “Lisa,” he said, attracting the attention of a blonde girl sitting next to Tyler holding what seemed to be a Cosmopolitan. As soon as he said her name, she diverted her attention from Tyler to us, the smile still on her pink lips. “This is Alex. Good friend of the team’s.” Lisa smiled a bit broader at me and I smiled back timidly. “Thought you could give her some pointers on how to survive hanging out with us.”

Lisa, along with the others in the room, laughed. “Oh, she’s definitely going to need help.” I let out a chuckle before noticing Jordan slowly make his way into the room. He was smiling, holding a red plastic cup loosely in his hands. As soon as his eyes met mine his smile remained the same, but something behind those blue orbs seemed to falter. I just kept my expression the same; at least I hoped I did. There was no need arousing suspicion in a room full of people who had no idea what was going on and would do better not ever finding out. Jordan walked closer then sat down on the armrest of one of the couches as Max turned me around to face a guy I hadn’t met before.

“That’s Sam,” he said and Sam and I nodded at each other in acknowledgement. Max began working his way around the room. “That’s Hannah, Steve, Peter,” I had almost grown dizzy from how fast he was turning, “And you already know Jordan,” he said with a chuckle as Jordan raised his glass in a toast. Was Max implying something by the emphasis he put on ‘know’ or was I growing paranoid? I assumed it was the latter.

“Yes, I do,” I replied with an awkward laugh, to which Jordan responded to with a slight cock of his eyebrow. I bit down on my lip, thinking it better if I just kept my mouth shut for the rest of the night. After exchanging quick ‘hello’ – s and friendly smiles with everyone Max asked me if I wanted a drink. I said sure and before I knew it, he was gone, leaving me alone to be my usual weird self around people I didn’t know…except Jordan, that is.

“So,” Lisa said as I sat down on a chair set up next to the couches. Seeing that Jordan had gotten into a conversation with Sam, I felt a bit more comfortable at not be scrutinized. “Do you go to the University of Pittsburgh?” Friendly, detached conversation; this was good.

“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “Third year. You?”

Lisa nodded as she took a sip of her drink. “Same. Getting pretty sick of it though.” I laughed, knowing exactly what she meant. “Between that and work, I barely have any time to myself.”

“You have time for me,” Tyler interjected, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She smiled sweetly and I knew there was a relationship there. If I wasn’t exposed to the lovey-dovey scene by Aaron and Emma, it was here, in a room full of hockey players and the last place I would have thought romance existed.

“I know what you mean,” I said, adding to Lisa’s previous statement.

She took another sip and licked away the pink liquid from her lips. From the corner of my eye I noticed Jordan’s attention brought back to me, listening to the conversation casually like any group of friends would. Suddenly, I felt completely self-conscious and began shifting in my seat.

“Are you working too?” Lisa asked, keeping the conversation going. “Isn’t awful?”

I licked my lips. “Well, actually, no. Not anymore.” I knew her questions weren’t meant to be rude or probing, but I could feel my throat drying up and my shoulders tense.

“Ugh, I wish I in your position.” I gave Jordan a surreptitiously look. Trust me, you shouldn’t. “What happened? Did you quit? I’d love to throw that Starbuck’s apron in my boss’s face.” I shifted some more, switching the position of my legs. How would I explain that I was fired because I had slapped one of the guests (Jordan to be more exact) in the face because of our long and twisted relationship, which began with hatred, propagated sex, and now left us not speaking to each other? It would only make things more awkward than they needed to be. My gaze flickered to Jordan again and I knew that he understood the dilemma I was in. This was all getting to be too much.

I opened my mouth, preparing to say whatever my mind came up with. “Well, I – ”

“Alex just got really busy with her writing.” It was Jordan’s voice that interjected, allowing me to suck in a deep breath in order to compose myself. My head snapped to him and I saw the almost compassionate expression on his face as his eyes lingered on me for a moment before moving to Lisa.

“Oh, you write?” she asked with genuine interest, turning away from Jordan to look at me. I nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. A few articles for the school paper were hardly a literary career, but this saved me from telling the truth.

“Yeah,” Jordan continued, leaning his body forward, engaging Lisa. “She just finished a paper on Flannery O’Conner which she’s been working on forever trying to get it perfect.” I felt my stomach ease itself as it settled in its proper place in my body. He looked at me then back at Lisa. I just smiled and nodded in agreement, not really knowing what to say or do. Max was supposed to be the one having my back. Jordan was supposed to be in standing on the peripheral, throwing me dirty looks. This was just all so unexpected. “She’s such a perfectionist when it comes to that stuff.”

“Work just got in the way,” I blurted out, just so that I could say it wasn’t Jordan saving me. But who was I kidding? That’s exactly what he was doing. It looked like the tables had drastically turned.

“That’s really cool!” Lisa exclaimed and I smiled, trying to hide the complete confusion I felt at what was going on, at what Jordan was doing. It looked like she wanted to talk some more, but I just needed a moment to myself.

“Um…I’m gonna go check on what’s taking Max so long.” She nodded as I stood up from the chair, caught a glimpse of Jordan staring at me, and then sped out of the room. As soon as I was out of view I let out a breath, trying to find my way around Max’s house to the kitchen. I knew something was bound to happen tonight, though I didn’t expect it to be so…impassive. I shook my head and rolled my shoulders. Jordan was just being his usual bi polar self and I had to try and stay out of the vicinity of it. Walking into the kitchen I saw Max talking with Sidney while holding two beers. The one was probably for me. I smiled and walked up to him, not wanting to yell at how much he didn’t have my back at all tonight.

“Hey,” he said once he saw me, drawing his attention away from Sidney. Max was trying to calm himself from the insane fit of laughter he was having only seconds ago. “Sorry about that. Got a bit carried away with Sid.”

“It’s okay,” I said, still with a smile. “Is that for me?” I pointed to the full beer bottle in his hand.

“Uh, yeah.” He gave a cheeky smile. “It might be a bit warm.” I shook my head, chuckling, and took the bottle out of his hand. Taking a sip and noticing that it wasn’t that warm after all, I decided to take a personal tour of the house in hopes of finding Emma somewhere. I stopped a fair amount of times to talk to some of the guys who in turn introduced me to either their friends or girlfriends. All in all, the night seemed to be going pretty okay. After scouring the first floor (thinking it inappropriate to wander upstairs on my own) I realized that Emma and Aaron were going out of their way to make it impossible for me to find them. I began feeling like an annoying child whose parents even tried to escape from, if only for a few hours. How depressing.

After talking a bit to Kris Letang, who seemed to be just as much a charmer as Jordan, except with a French accent, I decided to go outside and get some cool, night air. The time was 1 am and I could feel the tiredness kicking in, especially after the second beer. Pushing my way carefully through conversing people, I made it to the front door, opening it subtly so as to not arouse questions from Max or anyone of the other guys. The scenery of Max’s well-kept front yard under the luminescent moonlight was too tempting to refuse. I took a deep breath as soon as I walked out, hearing the rustle of fallen leaves blowing in the wind. Leaning forward on the ledge of the veranda, I stared up at the starry night, trying to find Orion’s Belt; something I never seemed able to do. Instead of the pitch black of summer, the night sky had taken on a purple hue leaving me mesmerized.

The front door creaked open behind me and I knew Emma must have found out I was out there, coming to ask me why I wasn’t inside mingling. I stood up straight and turned around to see Jordan closing the door behind him, still holding that red plastic cup. My chest seemed to tighten the second I saw him, unsure of what to expect. From up close I was able to scrutinize him the way he was scrutinizing me earlier. His hair was in its usual blonde disarray and the long, dark blue sweater he wore contrasted with his light blue eyes once he turned to face me.

“What are you doing out here all alone?” His voice wasn’t angry or suspicious or filled with pity. It was gentle, questioning, and interested. He slowly moved towards me and leaned forward on the ledge, letting his arms dangle off the end.

“Just getting some air,” I replied simply, forcing myself to look ahead into the night. I tried to forget that he was there, but I could feel the body heat pulsating off him with every breath he took.

“Yeah…” His head tilted back to look up at the moon. “It’s nice out tonight.” I nodded absentmindedly, noticing his head turning in my direction. He looked over at my empty hands. “Do you want another drink?”

This was really becoming too much to handle. I came to the party thinking I wouldn’t have to see Jordan that much and here we were, alone, staring up at the moon while everyone else was inside enjoying the party like regular people. After I didn’t answer, he turned back to look out at the scenery.

“Stop doing that,” I finally said, surprising myself.

Jordan froze for a moment then placed his cup down on the ground. Even bending over his height practically matched mine. “Doing what?” he asked once he straightened up, his body now angled towards me.

“Being…nice.”

He let out an airy laugh, letting his head fall to look at his shoes before gazing back up at the sky. Despite the small smile on his lips, his face almost had a tragic expression on it. I knew this because I hadn’t been able to stop staring at him since he asked me if I wanted another drink; I’m not proud of that fact. “Right,” he said softly, allowing his tongue to swiftly run over his top lip, “because being with me is supposed to end in some sort of problem.”

“Well…yes,” I said blatantly as I tried to tame my hair that blew viciously in the wind. Had these past weeks of problem after problem not taught him anything? The two of us couldn’t just stand there, looking up at the sky, and have everything be peachy. “And what was that whole thing in the living room?”

“I was saving you from an awkward situation,” he said simply.

I tore my eyes off of his profile, outlined with the glow of the porch light, and looked out at nothing in particular. “I don’t need saving.”

“I know.”

I didn’t say anything after that. There wasn’t anything to say. The desperate need to find Emma and get the hell out of there began crawling up my spine. I just wanted to leave and not deal with this anymore. Whatever Jordan was expecting to happen wasn’t going to. I wasn’t going to admit to him that I’ve been acting crazy. And he couldn’t all of a sudden start acting nice and think we could erase the past. Jordan was Jordan, and I was still the same girl I’ve always been.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked suddenly. I snapped my head towards him, unsure of what to make of his expression. He seemed sincere as he kept his eyes on the horizon. “You know…” he turned his head towards me, fixing his eyes on mine. I felt my stomach flip. “Just get out of here for a bit?”

“Uh…” This caught me off guard. No matter what Jordan did, I could never truly say I knew him. “Okay.” He parted his lips, as though wanting to say something more, but just pushed himself up off the ledge and fished in his pocket for his keys. “You think that’s a good idea?” I asked before he made it down the front steps. He looked at me perplexed and I pointed to the red cup he’d left on the ground.

“It’s 7 Up,” he said and I could feel my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “I decided to cut down a bit on the drinking. It hasn’t been doing me much good.” The side of his lips went up meekly as he slid his hands in the pocket of his pants.

A smile cracked on my face as I looked down at my feet, feeling bad for jumping to the conclusion that Jordan would risk killing us with drunk driving. He then jumped off the flight of steps; his long legs making it look like less of a jump than it actually was, before turning around and looking at me as I held on to the banister.

“You coming?” he asked as his lips separated revealing his teeth. I nodded then followed him down the steps and to the big, black truck he had just recently bought. His broad back to me the entire time and my eyes refusing to look anywhere else.