Can't Go Back

Dorian

I woke up with a start. I don’t know what woke me up, but I was wide-awake. I think it was the dream I was having. It was a good dream; better yet it was a great dream. No worries, no problems, just Riley and myself. Like that was ever going to happen. When dad says never again, he means never again! I knew Riley was in the room next to me, but there was nothing I could do about that, he’s my half brother.

A light knock on the door took me out of my thoughts.

“Hey bud”

“Hey dad” I said as I sat up in bed as he came into the room.

“I wanted to talk to you”

“Oh, Uhm ok, what about?” I asked confused, nervous and a bit shocked.

“About everything. I’m sorry I never told you about your half brother, I never knew him, and I never in a million years would have thought you two would find each other, let alone do other things…” he trailed off as he sat on my bed.

“Oh don’t give me that, you’ve done those things too” I joked with him.

“I know, now I know how my parents felt when I told them I loved a boy”

“Did they hate you?” I asked curiously

“No, they didn’t hate me, not at all. They thought it was weird that their son could have relations with a boy” he tried to explain.

“You’re making this awkward dad,” I told him as he laughed lightly.

“So I see,” he said as he cleared his throat. “So, Uhm do you have an interest for boys?” he asked me.

“I well… I don’t know,” I stammered.

“I’m guessing you’ve never seen another guy like the way you see Riley?”

“No, well not that I can think of” I told him.

“It’s ok, I’m just rather curious,” he stated as I nodded.

“How did you know?”

“Know what?” he asked oblivious to anything.

“That you liked men,” I said as he shook his head.

“Yes right” he said then laughed.

“Does this topic make you uncomfortable?”

“No” he argued.

“Sure seems that way”

“Well it’s not true,” he said firmly so I nodded in agreement. “The moment I met your mother I knew” he started. “I’d never felt so, so I don’t know, into someone, like he struck me” he tried to explain.

“Uhm, ok, just go on” I told him. The fumbling on words was annoying.

“I knew at that instant he was the one for me, and I couldn’t be sure why on earth I felt that way” he turned to me. “At first I thought it couldn’t possibly be love, it’s way too soon, plus I’m not supposed to have crushes on men. I knew once anyone found out about this I would be done for, but Yu, he was one of my best friends from when we were children, when I told him, he said he liked them too”

“Shit no,” I said out loud as dad nodded. “No way” I said again. “For some reason I can’t picture any of it”

“Well it’s all very true,” he said as I nodded. Dad got off my bed and began to walk out of my room.

“Dad” I called as he turned. “Uhm, just one more thing” I said as he nodded. He looked on the verge of tears. “How do I tell the person I care about, I love them?” I asked as he stood there.

“Are you talking about Riley?” he asked me. He could see right through me.

“No” I lied.

“You’re a horrible liar you know”

“Yeah well, I try” I said as he came back over to the bed.

“As for Riley, don’t bother”

“What?” I asked surprised.

“He’s you’re half brother after all” he said as he left the room. Great, that doesn’t help at all dad! I thought as I pulled off the bed sheets and left the room. I knocked on the door beside me and waited for an answer.

“Oh, hi Dorian” it was his mom. “Riley’s in here” she said as she let me in.

“Hey” Riley said as he sat across the bed.

“I’ll leave you two alone to work things out,” she said as she closed the door behind her.

“So, what’s up?” he asked casually.

“Not too much, I need to talk to you though” I said as I sat on the corner of the bed.

“Sure, ok. I’m all ears,” he said as I tried not to blush.

“I like you, and I like you a lot, but I’m not so sure about the whole brother thing” I blurted out.

“Well, I like you too” he said as he came over to me and kissed me on the mouth. “But I think we should act more like brothers instead of lovers”

“I totally agree” I said an octave higher. I was a bit, or a lot disappointed by this, but it had to be. That would be like me kissing Julia. Ew! I thought as I shuddered.

“What?” he asked.

“No, nothing, I think you’re absolutely right”

“I’ll be the best big brother you’ve ever had”

“I’ve never had one, so you don’t have much competition” I told him as I laughed.

“Shut up. No one can beat me,” he told me as I laughed harder.

“So we’re good?” I asked once more.

“Of course we’re good,” he yelled as he jumped on me knocking me over and off the bed.

“Ouch!” I cried in pain.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry” he said as he got off me. “Did I break anything?”

“Hey you two lovebirds” Pat walked into the room. “Please no love making until I leave the room, I just came to get something”

“Oh would you shut it” Riley threw a pillow at him. “And we’re not ‘love making’” he quoted Pat.

“Then what the hell were you doing because from downstairs it sure sounds like a lot of foreplay is going on up here”

“Well it’s not true,” I said as I got off the floor. “He tackled me to the floor” I whined.

“Please don’t whine”

“Please leave the room”

“Please do as Dorian says” Riley said as Pat gave us a blank stare.

“Fine” he put his hands up in defense. “I’ll leave you two at it,” he said as he left the room.

“For as long as we live, he is always going to think we’re having sex”

“Oh, I’m so excited!” I said sarcastically.

Andreas

I was sitting in the living room with Cassandra and my thoughts as a loud bang came from upstairs.

“What do you think our boys are doing?” I asked.

‘I really don’t think they’re doing anything” Cassandra said simply.

“How can you tolerate this?” I asked confused and kind of annoyed.

“Tolerate? I don’t care, why do you care so much?” she asked me.

“To be honest, I don’t know” I said thinking about her question.

“Take some time to think about it, then come back to me,” she said as she got up and left the room.

“Hey, how are you?” I looked up and Quinn came and sat on my lap.

“I’m ok,” I said as she kissed my face. “I have to go and do something,” I said as she jumped off my lap.

“Do you need company?” she asked as I stopped in my tracks.

“No, I think you should just go home, I’ll be out late” I said as I went upstairs. I knocked on the bedroom door and waited.

“Hold on” Dorian called.

“Yes?” Riley answered the door. “Oh, Dorian’s inside” he said shyly as he moved aside and let me into the room.

“Well right now would be great if I could speak German with you” I said out loud.

“I’m sorry dad, but what is it?” he sounded hostile.

“I’m going out, do you want to come with me?”

“Where?” he persisted,

“Just out” I said through my teeth.

“No, well actually sure” he said not sure.

“You don’t have to” I told him.

“No it’s ok, I want to go,” he told me as he got off the bed. “I’ll see you later” he said to Riley as he waved.

“Do you want to drive, actually you have to drive, I can’t,” I said as we got outside.

“Is this why you wanted me to come?” he asked accusing me.

“No, not at all” I said in a whisper as we both got into the car.

“Then what is it?” he asked clearly mad at me.

“You don’t know what today is, or you don’t remember?” I asked.

“No, what’s today?” he asked.

“I want you to take me to see your mother,” I said as his face went from being angry or pissed off to realization.

“Oh” he said. “Oh, I know” he said in a whisper. “It’s the reason I’ve been acting really pissed off, I miss him dad” he cried. “With all these secrets all around it’s been a lot worse”

“I know, and I’m sorry, it’s all bad timing. I think you should just drive before you can’t see,” I told him as he nodded.

** ** **

I got out of the car and I just sat down at the bench that was near his grave. This was always a hard day. It happened five years ago to this day and Dorian was 15 at the time. He was sitting in the car at the moment and from where I was sitting I could see him, but it didn’t look like he was crying.

“I was expecting you sometime” I turned around and I saw Robert.

“Robert” I whispered his name as tears filled my eyes. He came and sat down beside me.

“This week is always hard,” he said.

“Every week is hard,” I cried as the tears slipped.

“I know,” he whispered.

“I don’t think this is ever going to get better,” I told him as he put his arm around me.

“Time heals everything,” he said.

“I guess. I’ve been giving Dorian a hard time”

“I know, I’ve seen, I do live with you,” he said as I nodded. “Why are you being so mean to him?”

“I don’t know. I see him getting into a relationship with his half brother, I don’t think that’s where I’m mad at him, I think it’s just the fact he’s getting into a relationship, and I think he feels very strongly towards Riley and I don’t want him to get hurt” I said as I rambled and cried. “Because I know what it feels like,” I cried into my hands.

“I’m glad you care, I didn’t think you did” I turned around to face Dorian.

“Dorian, you heard all that?” I asked.

“Yeah” he said his voice giving way. “And I miss mom all the time, and I don’t want to have to worry about getting into relationships and getting hurt, but I can’t help but think about it all the time”

“I know I can’t control anything, God knows I can’t control anything, it’s just this week, and I miss your mom so much that I wouldn’t want you to feel that, you can date whomever you want” I told him.

“Well you don’t have to worry about Riley, we agreed to love each other like brothers,” I said as I sat on the grass.

“Oh” I said.

“But I think we’re going to be ok dad, we are. We just need to focus on the good, and focus on being alive and be happy that we are” Dorian said and I thought that was the best advice he had ever given.