My Name Is Wes

The rain felt like it would shatter my skin as I walked away from your house. I’d done it again. I let myself get lost in you without consent. You’re very essence entices me in a way that no one else’s ever have or will. I keep telling myself that I have to keep that distance that you always seem to have but I can’t manage it. There is no such thing as detachment when I’m around you.

It was a short walk home from your apartment, one that I have taken many times over the past year. You sent me away because he was coming over. You hadn’t gotten him yet, not technically at least. He makes himself so translucent whenever he blushes at your simple touch, when he giggles at anything you say. He’s like a sheet of Plexiglas, extremely see through but tough to damage. He has his own thoughts and opinions on everything and won’t let anyone keep him down. I think that’s what drew you to him in the first place. He wasn’t afraid to tell you where you were out of line.

As I step inside my two room apartment I glance at the picture frame on the counter. It’s of you and I, forehead to forehead, at the fireman’s fair last August. Someone snapped it without either of us knowing. I felt invincible that day. I have to hide it whenever someone, including you, comes over. The extent of our little affair must be kept a secret. We wouldn’t want your play boyish ways to get around now would we? There have only been whispers about your love life, those who know of it wouldn’t dare say a word about it. As far as I know your coworkers haven’t the faintest clue. You only sleep with strangersexcept me and you don’t brag about your escapades to anyone who will listen. It turns out you’ll prove everyone wrong soon.

Your favorite phrase seems to be “no strings attached”. I envy your ability to compartmentalize your life the way you do. Feelings in one box and affairs in another. Their cases set on opposite sides of your mind never touching, until he came, that is. Your lines started to blur that day and my heart shattered along with it.

I would have been fine if I had just kept believing that you could never be changed and no one would get more of you than I do. There were others who came into your life searching for the same thing I have been but only found lust and no love from you. I at least got friendship in public instead of the cold shoulder. He gets more of course. I can see the way he’s changed you, the way he’s molded you into someone so unfamiliar to me. You would never show affection to anyone but with him you always seem to play with his hair, trace patterns on his hands, set your head on his small shoulder. You’re always craving his touch but never mine, at least not anymore.

He will be the one to break you, to tame the wild stallion that you are. I’ll watch and when the time comes I’ll step aside and try and move on. Of course I’m twenty-five already, I’ll soon be approaching that deadline where all the good men and women have settled down into nice families and the ones that are left have some sort of fear of commitment. Is it impossible to think that I’ll find someone who captures my soul as completely as you do? I’d like to think that I will, that once you’re gone I’ll find someone too that will love me back. These are all assumptions of course. It could turn out to be that my soul mate doesn’t see that the pieces of our hearts fit perfectly together. Instead you’ve found that in someone else, as if your minds have always been intertwined and synced to the same rhythm.

I think that I’ll always love you in one form or another. The memories of your tender touch won’t be erased once we part ways. I’d like to look back on them and smile at something I once had but be glad that it’s over so I could find someone new. I don’t want to end up bitter and lost.

The depression I have grown to feel when you’re not around me sets in as I slump onto my lonely mattress, not even bothering to undress as I try to numb my mind with sleep. I don’t dream anymore thankfully so I never have to worry about thoughts of you plaguing my mind in my unconsciousness as well. I think it’s enough to experience the heartache during the hours in which I’m aware without having to bear it at night.

The weather is changing; our storm has passed while a new one is brewing. It’s set to arrive soon, I can feel it. The air you had when in my presence is slowly but surely decreasing while mine only seems to grow. I think it’s best if I leave soon. Being in the same place as the soon to be happy couple wouldn’t be easy to handle. But where would I go? How would I get there? There are so many outlying regions of New Your City there’s bound to be one that holds a good future for me. I don’t have any family here and I do most of my work online, maybe I could ask them for a random transfer?

Anything to get away.

Maybe you’ll make each other happy for the rest of your lives or maybe it won’t work out. I hope it will because I need you to be happy when I’m gone because knowing you’re not would be heart breaking. Everyone deserves to be happy, especially you. I’ll try to find my happiness some other place I think.

I have a good amount of money saved up. I don’t tend to spend it on anything other than food and other necessities. Maybe I’ll go home and visit my family. Mom’s been begging me to go visit for holidays and things but I never found the will to leave until now.