Land of a Million Stars

I’d kissed Quinn. I’d kissed Quinn and I loved Wade. I’d kissed Quinn after I’d kissed Wade. I buried my face into my hands and sobbed. The lake was eerily silent.

“Why?” I whispered. “Why?!” The tears came faster and faster until I was screaming and crying at the same time. “Why kill me and make me stay? Why make me suffer heartbreak over and over again? Why do I have to go through this? What makes me so special?”

I almost didn’t notice when Victoria appeared before me. She looked as beautiful and immaculate as the last time I’d seen her.

“Because only you can do this job. Only you are strong enough to suffer through this. You are the one we chose. You asked for this.”

Victoria wore white so blindingly clear, it glowed beneath the silvery moon. I looked up at her. “I didn’t ask for this,” I said.

But she nodded. “Of course you did. We cannot keep you here unless you’ve wished for it.”

“When did I wish for this? When did I wish to fall in love and die and then be given another guy who could potentially make me fall in love? When did I want to tear my family apart?” I glared at the angel. She stared back.

“When you were eight,” she began, “on June ninth, you sat outside in your backyard and you looked up at the stars. You’d been sad all day. Your mother had been at work and when she’d gotten home, she went straight to her room. Zeke was with Natalie. Frankie was inside doing homework. You looked for the Big Dipper and when you found it, you closed your eyes and you said: ‘Dear God, everyone is sad today. They’re sad because today it’s two years since Daddy left us. Why did you make Daddy leave us? Didn’t he love me? Didn’t he love Mommy, and Frankie, and Zeke? God, I don’t like that my brothers and my mom are sad. If they’re ever sad like this, can you let me help? I want them to be happy and if they can’t be, I want to help them be happy. Amen.’”

I remembered that night. I’d made that same wish for five years after my dad left, until I realized that wishing and praying didn’t make people happy. And now I’d made them sad, just like Dad had. When I looked up to say something to the angel, she was gone. I sighed and stood. I’d go stay with my family for a while.



I didn’t see Quinn for over a week. I didn’t leave my house. I watched Frankie and my mom and I tried to help them. But it seemed like I could help people with Quinn’s help and I wasn’t ready to face him yet. Sometimes he wandered by my house and he’d stare at my window but he never knocked or called out for me.

One Friday, I followed him to school. I stayed out of sight and I followed him to his classes. He’d made a few friends, including Wade and my friend, Sara. Sara liked him. He smiled at her and flirted back, but you could see in his eyes that he was just going through the motions. She followed him out to his car.

“So,” she said, smiling.

Quinn smiled back. “So,” he echoed.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” she asked. Good old Sara. She never beat around the bush.

“Nope,” he replied. “Why?”

“Do you wanna catch a movie or something?” she asked. Sara looked so hopeful. She was pretty and she’d had lots of boyfriends, but they’d all been complete assholes. She needed someone nice, someone funny, who would treat her right. She needed Quinn.

“Maybe,” he said. “I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with my mom. I’ll call you, okay?” Sara’s smile faltered but she pasted it back on, said okay and goodbye, and left.

I made my appearance.

“You should have said yes,” I said.

Quinn turned to face me. His eyes conveyed relief. “Ella, thank God. I thought you moved on or something,” he said. I shook my head.

“You should have said yes,” I repeated.

“To what? To Sara?” he asked. I nodded. “Why?”

“She’s a nice girl. Pretty, too. You’d like her,” I said. Quinn shrugged and got into his car. I got into the passenger side. He didn’t start the car. I frowned. “Aren’t we going to your house?”

Quinn turned to look at me, his expression completely serious. “Why did you run?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I kissed you. Why did you run?”

I looked away. I didn’t answer. Quinn reached over and turned my face so I looked at him. “Why did you run? Was it… bad? What?”

I bit my lip. “It was amazing,” I whispered. Because it had been. I’d felt like I was on fire with passion and I wanted it. I’d felt safe and warm and loved and I wanted that feeling back. But I shouldn’t. I loved Wade. I loved Wade’s kisses and the way Wade made me feel. I didn’t love Quinn.

“Then why did you run? Was it because of Wade?” I nodded. Quinn let go of me and ran his fingers through his hair. “Ella, you let Wade go. You’re dead and he knows and now you can both move on.”

“Am I supposed to move on to you?” I asked quietly.

“Yes,” Quinn said. “Because I can see you and touch you and talk to you when no one else can.”

I laughed, a short, bitter sounding laugh that didn’t sound right. “And what? Are we going to go out on dates? Are you going to introduce me to your sister, your mom? Are you going to meet my mom or my brothers? They’ll think you’re crazy.”

“I don’t care. Ella, I don’t care.”

“You do. You do care. Maybe not now, but you will. Quinn, we can’t ever be anything more than friends.” I reached out and cupped his face. “Maybe if I’d been alive and Wade hadn’t been in the picture. Maybe then. But for now, I need your help doing what I’m supposed to be doing. And then, when I’m done. I’ll move on. And so will you.”

Quinn pulled away and nodded. Then he started the car and drove. “Where to?” he asked tightly. I told him.

When we pulled up to Ruth-Anne’s house, it was dirtier than I’d ever seen. Junk littered their front yard and kids ran around it, sometimes tripping, sometimes shoving each other down. Her husband stormed out of the house and got into his car, speeding off in the direction of town, and probably the direction of the nearest bar.

“Why are we here?” Quinn asked me.

“Ruth-Anne knew my brother. She’s had it hard. She’s thinking about suicide. I need to help her.”

Quinn nodded and got out of the car. I followed. Quinn knocked once. The door swung open, revealing a gap-toothed little girl. She smiled widely up at us. Or rather, at Quinn.

Ruth-Anne appeared behind the little girl. “Can I help you?” she asked.

“Can I… talk to you?” he asked. Ruth-Anne looked very cautious. I willed the lilies to surround her and assure her. They did. Ruth-Anne nodded, though she still looked worried. She opened the door and we stepped inside.

“My name’s Quinn,” Quinn said, sitting down at her kitchen table. Ruth-Anne sat across from him, folding her hands onto the table.

“Ruth-Anne,” she replied. She gave a small smile. “But you probably already knew that.” Quinn nodded.

“This is going to sound really strange,” Quinn said. “But did you know Ella Fitzpatrick?”

Ruth-Anne nodded. “Yes. I dated her brother for a little while. She was a very nice girl. Beautiful, too. It’s awful that she died.” Ruth-Anne looked sad and I realized, out of all my brother’s girlfriends, she’d been my favorite. “Why do you ask?”

“I didn’t know her,” Quinn said, “but I’ve heard about her at school. I go to the high school here.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with me. I didn’t know her real well. You’d be better off asking her boyfriend, Wade, or maybe some friends of hers.” Ruth-Anne stood, as if to tell him to leave, but Quinn held his hand up. Ruth-Anne flinched. Quinn frowned.

“She thinks you were going to hit her,” I told him. Quinn’s frowned deepened. He placed his hand on me. I felt the lily scent increase and I felt light and tingly as I took a corporeal form.

Ruth-Anne’s eyes widened and she back up, knocking over her chair. “Get out of my house!” she yelled.

“Ruth-Anne,” I said, the lilies surrounding her more. “Calm down, please. This is real. I’m really here. Quinn can see me and with his help, so can you. We’re not going to hurt you. We’re trying to help.”

Ruth-Anne didn’t look convinced. Her hand was pressed against her chest and her other hand inched towards her phone.

I stepped closer, dragging Quinn with me. “I know that you husband hurts you,” I began. She froze. “I know that you’re unhappy here and I know that you’re thinking about suicide.” She didn’t say anything but the shock on her face made it clear everything I was saying was true. I placed my hand on her arm. “Don’t do it, Ruth-Anne. I know it seems like the easiest answer but look at me. I died. I, in a way, killed myself. Now my family is falling apart. You have children who love you.” As if to prove my point, the little girl clung to her mom’s leg and shoved her thumb in her mouth. “You need to take your kids and leave your husband. Go now, while he’s away. Go to visit your parents. I know they live two hours away. Take your kids there. You’ll be safe and don’t ever come back.”

Ruth-Anne stared at me for a long time. Then she moved forward and hugged me. When she pulled back, she was crying but there was a smile on her face. “Thank you,” she whispered. And she rushed off. Quinn and I bowed out and I nearly collapsed against him when we got outside.

“Whoa,” he said, holding me up. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. My voice was even weak. “Just need to rest. Drained.”