Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

I silently made my way toward Frank. I watched as he bent over, picking up a rock, and skimmed it across the water. He stood, motionless, as it skipped a few times before sinking to the bottom. At this moment, I felt just like that rock. I was skipping, skipping just waiting to sink. I continued cautiously toward him, his back still to me. I took in a deep breath as I found myself just a few feet from him.

“I didn’t think you were coming.” He said not turning around. I froze in my tracks and swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I had some problems with the car…” I wasn’t sure what else to say to him. I stood awkwardly behind him. I didn’t know if I should walk up to his side or wait for him to make the first move. When he still didn’t turn to me, I cleared my throat. “Why did you leave?”

“I had to…” He said just above a whisper. He finally turned to look at me and I could see the pained expression on his face. He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned his gaze back down to his feet. I didn’t dare say anything else. I wasn’t sure what it was that he had to tell me but judging by his stance and facial expression now, I don’t think I had prepared myself enough for what it was he had to tell me. I didn’t want to rush him but I began to shake from the cold air coming off of the water. I wanted so bad to step forward and curl up to his chest, his arms wrapped around me, shielding me from the brisk air. My body was naturally gravitating toward him and it took every ounce of me to stand my ground. He slowly brought his eyes back to mine and I swallowed the lump in my throat. There it was. The rock is sinking. Sinking down to the pit of my stomach where it sat heavy and uneasy. The look on his face was enough to tell me that this wasn’t going to end well. I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself.

“What is it, Frank?” I took one step forward and stopped, waiting to see his reaction. He didn’t seem to be bothered so I took one more, then another and another until I was standing toe to toe with him. He looked down into my eyes and sighed. The electricity shooting between my body and his was enough to drive me mad. It felt like two negative magnet ends, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t make them touch. I needed him though. I needed to feel his arms around me. My body was practically convulsing at this point. I don’t think it was due to the weather any more.

After a few more agonizing moments, his hands slipped from his pockets and reached out to me, snaking around my waist, and pulled me to him. I let out a sigh of relief as his warm body pressed to mine, my arms wrapping around his neck. The circuit was complete and I could feel it surging from my body to his and back again. This was right. It felt right. Whatever I had felt before, with anyone before, was nothing compared to this. I needed this. It scared me how much I needed him. I don’t know how I could have possibly thought that Frank wasn’t the one. He always was, and I was stupid to even try to deny that. So what was the problem? I was chanting a mantra over and over in my head, “no matter what he says, I’ll still love him”. I couldn’t think of anything that could possibly make me change my mind. No matter how bad, I couldn’t picture myself without him. After last night, when I had finally fallen asleep, my dreams were laced with the memories of Frank and I. Everything. It all came back. Everything up until the night of the party. I don’t know if I’ll ever remember that night. I don’t think I wanted to either. That seems to be the source of the problem.

“Angel …” He breathed out, kissing the top of my head. My whole body tingled at the sound of my name rolling off his tongue and into the fall air. The wind blew and the sound of his voice curled around us like the smoke of so many cigarettes before it. In this moment, I almost wanted to tell him to forget whatever he was going to say. I wanted to tell him that I don’t remember so it didn’t matter. I didn’t have the chance though. I felt him bury his face into my hair, taking a deep breath, holding it, letting it linger before breathing it out. I could feel him shaking. I gripped him tighter, pulling him closer to me. I tried my hardest not to kiss his neck that was now exposed to me. I wanted to trace my lips over that scorpion tattoo. I was so consumed with my thoughts of Frank that I almost didn’t hear him speak.

“It’s over.”

“What?” I snapped my attention back to him. I pulled back so I was able to look up at his face. “What’d you say?”

“Angel … Angela, it’s over.”

“Wh-- … what do you mean?” I let my arms slowly fall from around his neck down to his chest. He took his hands off me and began to rub his temple and sighed.

“Look … you know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.”

“No. I don’t know what you mean. Would you please fucking explain this to me?” I took a step back from him. I felt my heart begin to race. My breathing was heavier and louder.

“Angela, please, will you just--”

“Damn it, Frank, if you’re going to say it then say it!”

“I don’t want to be with you anymore! Ok? Is that what you fucking want? I’m breaking up with you. It’s over. Done. That’s it!” He yelled causing me to jump. I felt tears start to spring to the corners of my eyes. He ran his hands through his hair and turned his back to me. I took in a shaky breath, sniffling.

“You’re breaking up with me? That’s it? What do you want, Frank? I remember you now! I remember everything! What more do you want? I chose you. No one else. You!” My voice cracked at the end and quickly closed my mouth, not wanting to cry. Not yet.

“Jesus, Angela, that’s not it. It’s not you, it’s me.” He turned around to face me again. His facial expression was stern, almost angry, but it didn’t touch his eyes. Even now, I could tell that he was hurting, too. Still, I couldn’t stop the angry that was overtaking me.

“Wow, that’s original.”

“I’m serious. Look, I don’t know how I thought this was going to go, but you’re not going to let me leave without an explanation …”

“No.” I crossed my arms over my chest, raising my eyebrow at him. Of course not. “What makes you think you can just break up with me out of the blue without an explanation?”

“I don’t want to hurt you …” He was pleading.

“Too late.” I sniffled again, standing my ground. He bit at his lip ring, hesitant of his next move. He let out a defeated sigh and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Angela … at the party, there was a fight between Gerard and me … over you. Or about you, I guess. Somehow you found out about something I was going to tell you from someone else. Gerard said it wasn’t him, but I don’t know who else it could have been. Anyway, what you’re not remembering… is that I cheated on you. You only knew about the one time though … no one else knew that it was more than once…” He groaned as he ran his hands roughly over his face. I felt my stomach turn. He cheated on me? Gerard said Frank loved me. He cheated on me more than once. That was the thing that kept me from remembering Frank. Everyone I couldn’t remember had something bad that kept me from remembering them. This was it. I felt like I was going to throw up. I bit at my lip to stop the whimper that was threatening to escape, but I couldn’t stop the tears that started to slip down my cheeks.

“I didn’t think I could hurt you more than in that moment when I saw you at the party … but Gerard and I fought about who was better for you. It went so much farther than I had expected. You fell and hit your head because of me. I knocked you over when you tried to stop the fight. You hit your head on a rock. There was a lot of blood… Jesus….” He trailed off, the scene replaying itself in his head. My lip was quivering now. I felt myself start to hyperventilate.

“No, no, no…” That was all I was able to mutter. I tried to respond but it came out in a choked cry. I quickly placed my hands over my mouth, unable to hold back the sobs anymore. Through blurred eyes, I saw Frank tense up. He fisted his hands into his hair and turned away from me once more. “F-frank … why?”

“Angela, I can’t explain it because I don’t even know. I’m stupid. I thought I could change with you, and I was but … it was just too soon. I’m not there yet. If I would have met you just a little later…”

“That’s bullshit, Frank! How could you… why?”

“Please …” He turned around and started to walk toward me. When he was in reaching distance, I couldn’t stop myself as I felt my hand come up and slap him across the face. I gasped at my own gesture, and cradled my hand to my chest. He slowly looked back at me and I felt like my legs were going to collapse under me. He looked so defeated and helpless. I don’t even want to know what I look like right now. I stared into his eyes, and was surprised to see that they were glossy with tears. He was too stubborn to let them go.

“I’m no good for you. This is for the best. Trust me. Maybe one day we could--”

“Don’t. Frank, p-please…” I had to look away from him or I was going to break down completely. He tried to grab my chin to make me look at him but I just closed my eyes. He sighed and let his hand fall from my face. I still didn’t bother to open my eyes. I closed them as tight as I could, hoping to wake up somewhere else, back in bed and realize it was all a dream, back at Frank’s dad’s before the fall, anywhere but here.

“I love you Angel. Promise you’ll wait for me?”

I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. I felt tears escape my scrunched eyes and it hurt. The air made them feel like shards of glass running down my face. I took in a shaky breath, breathing it out slowly. I could hear the sound of rustling sticks and leaves. I knew he was walking away but I couldn’t make my brain process what just happened. That’s when I decided I couldn’t let him leave without him knowing how I felt. I slowly let my eyes open only to see that Frank had walked away. It took a moment for my brain to tell my body to move. That’s when I heard his car engine roar to life. I shuddered, finally able to make my legs respond. I couldn’t make them move fast enough. I lunged forward and began sprinting through the trees and brush. The air whipping past me began to dry the tears on my face. It felt like needles stabbing me down my cheeks, causing new tears to spring to life. I hurdled through the trees, gasping and choking on my cries. I tripped over sticks and pushed through bushes until I finally broke through out onto the road just as his car started to take off down the road.

“Wait!” I screamed, gasping for air. I watched as his car took off down the turnpike and out of sight. I felt myself collapse slowly to the ground next to Gerard’s car. I couldn’t catch my breath, but when I did, it came out in a shrill cry. I held my stomach, afraid that I might throw up. I brought my knees up to my chest and pressed my face to them, letting my body shudder and shake with cries and sobs that ripped through my body. I don’t know how long I sat there, but the sun had gone completely down, leaving me in pure darkness, alone. I used the hood of the car to help myself off of the ground. I made my way slowly to the driver’s side, dragging my body into the car and shutting the door. My fingers were so numb I could barely put the key in the ignition. It wasn’t just my fingers, but everything was numb, my body along with all of my senses. I stared at the empty road through blurred vision and wiped away what was left of my tears.

“I’ll wait for you…” I breathed out. I can’t even be sure if it was just in my head. I turned the key, bringing the car to life. I made the slow, agonizingly quiet drive back to Gerard’s, lost in my own thoughts.

END