Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

My body was relaxed and the room was quiet aside for the faint noises coming outside of my window. I felt my body coming down from a deep sleep and I registered the light that was streaming in behind my eye lids. I stretched and yawned, rubbing the rest of the sleep from my eyes. I slowly let them flutter open, gradually taking in the daylight that was shining across my bed to greet me with a new day. I smiled as my hand lingered over to the other side of my bed. That’s when I remembered the events from last night. I quickly shot up and looked to my side to see that the bed was empty and cold. I ran my hands through my hair and glanced around the room.

“Was it a dream …” I thought out loud. It couldn’t have been. It was so real. I know he was here. I climbed out of bed and made my way over to the window, looking down at the yard below. He was there. I walked back over to the bed and sat on the edge of it, letting my fingertips graze where his body had been. I pulled them away from the bed and let them lightly touch my lips. They were still sensitive and the rest of my body seemed to be on high alert. He had to have been here. I grabbed the pillow off the bed and pressed it to my face, breathing in deeply. “Frank …” He was here. I could still smell his intoxicating aroma on my pillow. I let the pillow fall back to the bed as I stared across my room in a haze. I remembered him. I remembered how I felt about him. Everything was so intense last night, most of it being a blur. I know he came over and we talked a little bit and I know that once I remembered, I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t not touch him. My fingers, my lips, everything was craving his touch. Even now, I felt so unsatisfied. I needed more.

But why did he leave? I checked my phone. No messages. I bit at my lip as I contemplated what happened. He couldn’t have just left without saying anything. I stood up and made my way over to my desk. My notebook was set open to what used to be a blank page, but now had, what I assumed, was Frank’s writing scrawled on it. I picked it up and read through it.

“Angela,

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I was afraid if I woke you, you wouldn’t want me to leave. Shit, I was surprised I was able to leave on my own. I would give anything to just lie in your bed and hold you, but that’s beside the point. I had to leave because after what happened last night, I couldn’t stand to tell you what I came over to tell you in the first place. I need just a little more time. I know I’m being a little bitch about it, but I swear to you, I will tell you tonight. If you remember the lake, I want you to meet me there tonight at seven. Just please do me a favor … I need you to remember last night. I need you to know that I love you and I will never hurt you again. Please, that’s all I need you to do. See you at seven.

Xofrank”

I felt that familiar, awful pulling feeling in my stomach again. I guess I should have known things wouldn’t go back to normal that easy. There is always one more thing someone left out. One more thing that’s going to hurt me. One thing that will break my heart. I sighed and ripped out the paper he had written and folded it up. As I went to shut the notebook, I saw the now familiar drawing of a silhouette of a man hanging next to song lyrics. Gerard’s song lyrics. And mine too, I guess. I felt a pang of guilt hit me. I didn’t want to admit it, and as much as I didn’t believe him at first, I think Gerard was right. After last night, I didn’t have a single thought of Gerard cross my mind. Even now, looking at these lyrics and knowing what I had said not even a few days ago, I couldn’t bring back those feelings I had. When Gerard told me that I would remember Frank and this thing with him would all blow over, I didn’t know how he could say it with a straight face. He and I both had the same feelings at that moment, and knew once the inevitable happened we would have to find a way to work around these feelings. I know I’m with Frank and I know now that I love him, more than I’ve loved anyone else, even Gerard, and yet I still felt guilty. I shouldn’t though. Everything is back to normal. I love Frank, Frank loves me, I care about Gerard, but not the same way. Gerard had told me had feelings for me, though. I can’t forget that. I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain this to him. I shouldn’t have to. He’s the one that said I’ll remember Frank and be happy and forget all these other crazy feelings I had going on. He probably wasn’t thinking what would happen if he was right.

Despite having just woke up, I suddenly felt drained again. I closed the notebook and slid it back into my desk drawer. I stretched back in the chair and sighed. Just then, a knock came from my door causing me to jump. I watched as someone on the other end tried to open the door, but to no avail. I forgot I had locked it last night. So how did Frank leave? I jumped up and quickly turned the lock, opening the door to reveal my mother. She looked wide awake, dressed and had make-up on, ready to take on the day. She looked at me and frowned a little.

“Did you just get up?” She asked.

“Oh … yeah, kind of.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Well, I was getting ready to go run some errands. I was seeing if you wanted to go with me?”

“I’m not even dressed mom …” I didn’t really feel up to shopping, surprisingly. I didn’t feel like doing a whole lot of anything. My mom furrowed her eyebrows, and I felt a little bad. She really seemed like she wanted to hang out with me today. I guess it’s this whole new-found-family thing. I may not remember everything but I have a decent idea of what my life was like before the fall and even I knew this was out of the ordinary.

“Well I can wait for you. How long will you take to get ready?” She pushed further.

“I glanced down at my outfit then scanned the room behind me. I saw my window was open just a crack. That’s must be how he left. How did I not see that early? I thought about Frank, which caused me to think of Gerard and I let out an audible groan. I turned back to my mom who looked a little hurt and shrugged her shoulders. I cleared my throat.

“Sorry. No, I’ll go with you. I won’t take too long, ok?”

“Alright. I’ll see you downstairs.” She seemed to perk up as she made her way down the hall and back down the stair case. I shut the door and made my way over to the clothes that I had yet to put away from where Gerard brought them to me. I sifted through the bags and pulled out an outfit. Before putting it on, I made my way over to the window glancing over the yard one more time before shutting it the rest of the way. It wasn’t going to do me any good sitting around and thinking more on the confusing subject. I decided that a distraction was a good idea while I waited for seven to roll around.

I actually had a nice time wandering around town with my mom. I don’t think she actually wanted to shop because we didn’t come home with much, but she seemed happy to be spending time with me. I guess this is what the new normal is for me now. My memories of how my family used to be just seemed like a bad dream. It’s like I was remembering a movie I saw. It seemed so real at the time, but this was reality now. I don’t remember experiencing those things, but I have the memory. That’s all they were. Memories. Everything was a fresh start for me. That was one of the pluses of this whole thing. Like Lacy. I have memories of her, but that’s all she is now. I don’t remember the experience and I was ok with that. Other things, though, made this a down fall as well. With Frank and Gerard and all of the other guys. Just with the bad, I don’t remember experiencing the good times with these guys and it hurt. I know I can’t help it, but I could tell they were affected by it in some way, but there was nothing I could do. We were starting over. It seems that I’ve already screwed up my fresh start though. I don’t know how complicated things were before the party, but now it seems like my stress levels couldn’t possibly get higher.

My mom and I had been home for a while. I watched as the time ticked slowly on the clock, waiting patiently for six thirty. I would leave the house and by that time, I should make it to the lake. Thank God I remembered where that was. My biggest problem was asking my parents to borrow their car. I looked up from a random TV show I was watching with my parents in the living room and saw it was about that time. I felt my body quiver with nerves as I cleared my throat.

“Hey … I uh, I was wonder if I could … borrow the car?”

“What?” My dad asked, not looking away from the TV.

“I wanted to know if I could borrow the car… you know, to go to Franks. It’s really cold out. I don’t want to walk.”

“Angela, you know the doctor said you can’t do that. I’ll drive you if you want.” My mom said, starting to get up from the couch. I bit at my lip as I jumped up as well.

“No it’s fine. I can walk.”

“Are you sure? I’ll just grab my coat.”

“It’s fine, mom. I gotta go, though. I’ll talk to you later ok?” I shook my head and stumbled over my words as I grabbed my jacket and made my way out the door before they could stop me. As soon as I stepped outside, I took off running towards Gerard’s house. I couldn’t walk to the lake. I would never make it in time. Without my parent’s car now, I’m really going to be pushing it. I swallowed mouthfuls of crisp fall air, causing my lungs to shuddered, as I barreled towards the Way house. I finally made it to their house, wheezing and holding on to my side as I knocked on the door. Thankfully, Gerard answered.

“Woah, Angela, what’s wrong?”

“Can I … I borrow … your car?” I said in between gasps.

“Umm … I guess. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah. I’ll explain later. I really need to go, though. I’ll bring it back tonight.”

He fished in his pockets and handed me the keys, still looking confused. Once again, I cut him off like my parents and ran to his car. I quickly jumped in, turning the heat on full blast as I made my way out of his drive way and toward the lake. I glanced down at the radio clock. Shit! It was quarter till seven. It takes at least twenty to twenty five minutes to get there, and that’s if you’re speeding. I was already putting myself at risk by driving without the doctor’s ok, but I didn’t have time for that. I made my way across town and finally came to wooded area where I could park just before the turn pike. I saw that it was ten after seven and cursed but was thankful to see Frank’s car was still here. Once I slowed my breathing and gathered my thoughts, the gravity of the situation set in and I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. Whatever Frank was going to tell me must be a big deal to put it off this long, so I tried to mentally prepare myself for it. With shaky hands, I opened the car door and made the short walk through the wooded area, pacing myself and my breathing as I saw the water start to come into view. I saw the silhouette of Frank against the back drop of sunset and gentle waves. I bit at my lip as I took the first step out of the tree row and into the clearing.