When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

I wake up before Adam on the day of his father's funeral, and go out to the kitchen to make coffee and let the dogs outside while I wait for it to brew. It snowed again lastnight, and now there is a fresh inch of powder on the sidewalk and the trees. I look at myself in the mirror thats in the foyer and adjust my glasses, and fluff my hair to no avail, I still look the same.

Jack spent the night at Nikki's lastnight because he had a probation meeting and a morning class this morning, and it's faster for him to drive from her place to those places, than it is from ours. I go into his bedroom and look around at his things, then look at what used to be my desk that I worked on, now my desk has been moved into the bedroom where the computer is, and where Adam usually works.

I go into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee and go back into the bedroom quietly, so as not to wake Adam. I turn the computer on and look at the rapidly piling up stack of paperwork that I have to do. For about a year now, I've been working as Adam's manager for any solo things that he might do. Which, is far and few between, but it's a job that needs to be done and apparently I've been slacking.

I sit down at the desk and open one of the manilla folders that contains some merchandise approvals. I'm not really sure why these are in with my stuff, being as this is a band item. I look over the new merch and start marking things that I like and don't like. I go over a bunch of things and shorten the pile about halfway, when I hear Adam move in the bed behind me.

"How long have you been up?" he asks me. I set my glasses down on the desk next to my coffee and look at the clock on the wall.

"About a half hour. Do you want some coffee?" he shakes his head, and motions for me to come lay next to him. I get up and walk over to the side of the bed, and crawl into the small spot in between him and the edge of it. He moves over just a little to accomadate me, and puts his arms around my body while I curl into his chest and look up at his face. He kisses my nose and gives me a little smile.

"How are you doing?" I ask him.

"Cold," he answers. I put my arm through his and wrap it around his back tightly, and tuck one of my legs through his.

"Better?" I ask.

"Much." I nod and we don't say anything for a few minutes. I feel Mabel and Simba get up on my side of the bed and lay tightly against Adam's back. My stomach rumbles loudly and Adam looks down at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you hungry?" he asks.

"Not really."

"I think your stomach has other ideas, then."

"I guess I could be hungry," I say.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Yesterday afternoon, I guess."

"Babe."

"Fine, lets get up and make some breakfast," I say. We get up and go out to the kitchen. Adam pours himself a cup of coffee while I lean against the kitchen counter and watch. He goes to the fridge and looks around, pondering any breakfast ideas, then comes out with a package of bagels, butter, and some cream cheese.

I watch as he uses a knife to cut two bagels in half and then stick them into our four slice toaster. We drink our coffee in silence while we wait for them to cook, him leaning on one side of the counter, and me on the other, facing him. When the bagels pop up, he takes them out and puts them on two plates, then spreads some butter and cream cheese on them. He passes one of the plates across the counter to me and refills my coffee for me.

"Thanks doll," I tell him. He smiles and takes a bite of his bagel. We eat standing up with the dogs pacing back and forth between us, hoping to catch a crumb or anything that we drop on the floor.

"How is the bagel?" he asks me when I'm about halfway done eating.

"Great. You make wonderful bagels," I say with a smile.

"The bakery makes wonderful bagels, I just spread a mean butter and cream cheese." I laugh, and it makes him smile, which I know must be hard for him on this day.

When we're done eating, I put my plate in the sink and drink the remainder of my coffee, then put my cup in the sink.

"I told my mom we'd be at the house at noon, so we should start getting ready," he says, placing his plate in the sink with mine.

"Yeah." I walk into the bedroom and get my dress and shoes out of the closet. Adam comes in a minute later still holding his coffee cup and goes into the bathroom to take a shower. I follow him in and stand in front of the sink to wash my face and brush my teeth. I watch Adam in the mirror undress and get into the shower. After I'm done cleaning up, I pull myself up so that I'm sitting in the sink on my side of the vanity, and start to do my make up. I swipe on some red lipstick and some gloss, and some liquid black eyeliner.

Adam gets out of the shower as I'm applying some black mascara to my lashes. I see him watching me in the mirror as he wraps the towel around his waist, then he comes over and stands in front of his side of the vanity. I push myself up so that I'm sitting on the edge of the sink with my feet still in it, and brush my hair so that it's straight. I smell Adam's aftershave filling up the bathroom and I breathe it deep into my lungs, reminding myself to have a cigarette while I get dressed.

As Adam walks past me to leave the bathroom, he grabs the back of my hair gently and presses his lips to mine.

"I love you," I say to him when he releases me.

"I love you, too," he says, walking out of the room. I sigh and look intot he mirror again, then I pull my bangs back and secure them with a black barette.

When I'm finished, I go into the bedroom where Adam is pulling on a pair of black dress pants, and start to get dressed. I put on a pair of black thigh highs, and then I put on my black turtleneck sweater dress. I watch as Adam buttons up a black shirt and then puts on a black blazer over it, pulling the sleeves of the shirt so that they hang out the sleeves of the jacket. I step into the simple black pumps that I picked out, and put my rosary and my 'A' necklace around my neck. I see that Adam is wearing his black combat boots, but has his pants tucked over them, so you can't really tell what kind of shoes they are unless you're like me and already knew.

I take my cigarettes, my phone, and my ID, out of my purse and put them in a little black clutch purse, and clasp it shut, then I put on my black trench coat. I see that Adam already has his jacket on, and is lighting a cigarette for himself, tucking the pack into his pants pocket.

"Do I look alright?" I ask him. He looks at me and takes the cigarette out of his mouth, blowing smoke out of it in a thin line before answering me.

"You're always wonderful, babe," he says.

"Do I look alright, was the question."

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you," I say, taking his hand. We walk out of the bedroom and go out to the garage and get in the car together. Once we're in the car, I light my first cigarette of the day, wishing that I had done it earlier.

As we pull into Adam's parents mansion, I see Adam look into the rearview mirror and finger comb his hair a little. He parks the car and turns it off, then goes back to messing with his hair.

"What is my hair doing?" he asks me, still looking in the mirror.

"Look at me," I say. He turns to face me and I smooth out a couple pieces of his hair, then move it so it's not behind his ears.

"Better," I say to him.

"Shit, give me your rosary."

"Why?"

"I was gonna put one on and I forgot. It just kind of feels like I should wear one today," he says.

"But what will I wear?"

"Babe, we're married. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, and you need to start sharin', starting with that rosary, now gimme," he says. I laugh and take the rosary from around my neck and give it to him and he puts it around his neck.

"Does it look too girly?" he asks. I roll my eyes.

"You just put up that big fight to get it from me, and now you want to know if it looks girly? Too bad, buddy, you're stuck with it, girly or not." He groans in defeat and gets out of the car. I laugh and get out too, meeting him in front of the car and taking his hand.

We walk into the mansion and the butler takes us to where the family is gathered with some other family friends that I don't know very well, other than names and faces. The funeral director is there, and he's telling us how the whole process is going to work. We're going to take vehicles that are being supplied by the funeral home, to the funeral, then afterwards, we'll take the same vehicles to the cemetary for the burial, then they will bring us back to the mansion. All the guests will have to follow behind the prosession to the cemetary.

We all go out to the car that's going to take the family to the funeral home and get in. I sit next to Adam, holding his hand in both of mine. The family all make small talk with each other on the drive, but other than that, it's pretty uncomfortable silence.

When we get to the funeral home, we all go inside and take our places at the front of the room near the casket to greet the guests. I go to sit down in one of the seats thats placed in the front for family members while the funeral is taking place, but Adam grips my hand tightly and pulls me up to stand next to him.

"Babe, I shouldn't be up here with you all," I whisper to him.

"Stay with me," he whispers back. I give him a look and then nod, and stand next to him at the end of the line. I guess we're all lined up in order of importance. Adam's mom is first, then Caitlin and her husband, then Cale and Christian, then Adam and I. The smell of lilies is killing my nose. They're everywhere, draped over the end of the casket, in bouquets all over the room, everywhere. At least it smells like they're everywhere.

As guests start piling in, I see my mother and stepfather come in. I'm not really surprised that they're here, but it does kind of take me off guard seeing them. They go down the line of family members, then stop in front of Adam and I. My mother hugs me tightly.

"I'm so proud of you, darling. You're doing amazing up here," she says into my ear.

"Thank you, mom," I tell her as she pulls out of the hug. She smiles and hugs Adam, whispering her condolences in his ear. My stepfather hugs me, which is a little weird, since we've never been like that with each other, but I guess it's kind of a weird day. I watch as they sit down with some of the other guests, then I go back to accepting some of the others that are coming up to us. Adam looks supremely uncomfortable with all of this. Talking to people that he doesn't know, who are acting like they've known him his whole life. I squeeze his hand a little and he looks at me with a pained expression.

I look up at the door where the guests are coming in, and am really startled when I see Jack and Nikki walk in, hand and hand. They're both dressed up in nice black clothing, and their hair in done modestly, rather than how they usually style it. They look at us and give us strangled smiles. They skip straight to us in the line, rather than saying something to everyone. Adam and I hug them both tightly.

"Thank you both for being here," Adam tells them.

"No problem. We had to be here, for you guys. You would do the same for either of us," Jack says.

"You can go sit with my mom and stepdad, over there," I say, pointing to where they're sitting. They turn and look, then go over and sit down next to them.

"Well, that was a nice surprise," I say to Adam. He nods and goes back to taking condolences, with a strained look on his face.

Once all the guests are seated, the family sits down in the front row so the funeral can begin. The preacher comes in and says a prayer, then goes on about Adam's father's life. Adam leans into me while he talks and whispers in my ear.

"I really need a cigarette, and maybe a fifth of whiskey." I reach over and place my hand on his in his lap.

Caitlin, Cale, and some other people who I don't know, all get up and make speeches about Adam's father, then his mother gets up and says a few words. The Father finishes the funeral and we all get up and get ready to drive to the cemetary.

After the burial, Adam, Christian and I go out by where the cars are parked to smoke while the rest of the family continues to talk to some of the guests. I see Caitlin and her husband walking out to where we're standing, so I put out my cigarette, assuming that they're coming out here to scold us for being disrespectful or something. Caitlin hugs Christian goodbye, since he's leaving to go back to Canada tonight, then gives Adam a hug.

"Thank you both for coming today. I understand how hard this must have been, especially for you, Adam," she says to them.

"Of course. Where else would we be today?"

"Well, the Adam I once knew, wouldn't have even thought about being here today."

"It's been a really long time since I've been in that place, Cait."

"I know, and I think it's about time we all started realizing that and treating you like the person you are now."

"Well, that's your decision to treat me however you would like." She nods and turns to me.

"And I'm really sorry for everything that I've ever said that was disrespectful to you, Sophie. It's really obvious to me that you make my brother really happy, and that you've done a lot to keep him with us, rather than take him away from us like some of his past relationships. It wasn't right for me to go off on you in the hospital the other day, and I regret that I did. I never meant any of the things that I said to you." I look down at the pavement while she talks and step on the cigarette that I've already smashed with my foot.

"I understand why you've felt the way you felt, Caitlin. I understand why you said the things you've said, because if you think about it, Adam and I haven't been especially receptive to any of you. But, thank you for the apology, and I really hope that with this tragedy, we can all become closer as a family." I feel Adam squeeze my hand when I finish talking, and Caitlin steps in to me, and gives me a hug.

"I'm so sorry about your dad, Caitlin. I know how much he meant to you," I say into her shoulder.

"Thank you, Sophie," she says when she pulls out of the hug. I smile at her and squeeze her hand, and then we all go to get in the car to go back to the mansion.

Once we're back at the mansion, Adam and I waste no time in getting to our own car and heading back to the house.

"I fucking hated today," he says, pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket and lighting one up.

"I know, I did too."

"I'm glad that my sister said what she did, though."

"Does it give you hope for the future, and what kind of a relationship you'll have with your mom?" he shrugs.

"Maybe a little, but we'll have to see what happens. I don't know what the hell she's going to do by herself without Dad, you know? And the holidays are coming up soon, it's just fucking unreal."

"Yes it is."

When we get back to the house, Jack and Nikki are already there and are out of their funeral clothes. Adam and I quickly change back into the sweatpants that we were wearing this morning, and go out to the living room to hang out with them.

We watch a couple movies and Nikki and I watch as Adam and Jack play video games, then we order some chinese food. After we eat, they go into Jack's bedroom to go to bed, and Adam and I stay in the living room for a while.

"I'm glad this day is over and I don't have to think about it anymore," Adam says to me, taking a sip from the glass of white wine that we're both drinking.

"Did it give you some closure?"

"In a sense, yeah it did."

"Good," I say.

"Ready for bed?

"Absolutely."