The Way It Played Out

I felt a little more like myself with the guys back home, enough to cut my hair and dye it back to the way it used to be. I started wearing my skinny jeans again. The only difference was that now all of my t shirts were the long sleeve kind.
I spent my time divided between my boys (minus my best friend) and Fall Out Boy, almost happily. I still found it so hard to smile. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was how the Dementors in Harry Potter felt- ‘like I’d never be cheerful again’.
“I wanna go swimming!” Whined Sisky.
“Yeah!” The Butcher agreed immediately.
“Let’s do it!” Joe yelled, and the guys scattered, taking off to change into their swim trunks. I sighed; ignoring the looks Pete and Mike were giving me, and changed, too.
We wound up at the pool at Sisky’s place. Bill and Nova even came to spend the day with Fall Out Boy, The Academy Is… and me.
“C’mon, you’re like, the queen of chicken!” Sisky begged, holding onto the side of the pool. I just shook my head and bunched the ends of my sleeves in my hands.
“Maybe later.” I was wearing my swimsuit, but I had shorts and a long sleeve t over it. I was a little scared to take off my sleeves.
Only Mike and Pete had seen the actual scars.
A little while later, Nova left, and Bill promised he wouldn’t be home too late. I guess she’d moved in with him.
Without Nova there, I was a little more comfortable. I knew she’d feel guilty if she saw the scars, because she’d already apologized for coming between the guys and I. She really was the perfect girl. I couldn’t hate her with a clear conscience. Maybe it was safe- Bill was still looking everywhere but at me.
“Sisky, you suck at chicken.” I finally grinned weakly, sliding off my shorts and shedding my shirt, keeping my left arm tucked against my side. It was only a matter of time, but I’d rather that time was later.
“Yes, hail the queen!” Sisky cheered, and the Butcher, Michael, and Mike all sulked. They knew they were done now.
“Go Amaya!” Joe yelled, cannon balling in next to me once I’d climbed up on Sisky’s shoulders.
I laughed, shaking out my short, streaked hair. I’d missed being normal.
The Butcher climbed up on Mike’s shoulders and the four of us squared off, grinning wickedly, then the shoving began.
The Butcher hit the water with a splash, and Sisky cheered as I raised my arms in victory, both Mike and Pete’s eyes following my scarred arm rather than the Butcher’s descent. Joe even glanced up and winced, quickly looking away, Patrick and Andy doing the same.
Then the last voice I expected called, “Jesus, what happened to your arm?”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest, but not before everyone got a good look at the scars. I fell back off Sisky’s shoulders, hiding underwater for a second, trying to come up with something. Anything.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I muttered when I surfaced, not bothering to shake the ends of my hair out of my face. I climbed out of the pool, my eyes on the ground as I brushed past Bill, back to my chair where I grabbed my towel, wrapping it around me before going inside.
“What the Hell happened to her?!” Demanded Bill’s voice angrily. I glanced out the glass door, out of sight in the kitchen, watching as Bill rounded on Pete. I could hear them through the open window.
“Why don’t you ask her?” Pete growled, glaring up at Bill. He was a Hell of a lot shorter, but he could beat the crap out of my best friend without a problem.
“She won’t talk to me!” Bill said in exasperation.
“Are you sure that’s her choice?” Pete asked coldly, cocking an eyebrow at him.
Bill sighed. “Yes. No. Well…” He ran a hand through his hair. “We tell each other everything.”
“Apparently not.” Pete retorted, and Bill glared at him.
“Just tell me what happened.”
“No.” Pete glared right back, arms crossed defiantly.
“She tried to kill herself.” Mike said, and Pete shot him a look that asked what he was doing.
“What?” Bill’s voice was a cracked whisper, and Sisky, the Butcher, and Michael were all staring at Mike.
“Think about it.” Pete said tonelessly. “Her parents don’t like her, then you drop her like she was just some toy you got sick of.” Pete glared at Bill for an instant, then went back to being neutral. “After you replace her, everyone on tour stops talking to her for months. If your parents didn’t love you, and then everyone you loved got up and left you, you’d feel pretty unwanted, wouldn’t you?”
I saved Bill from having to answer by slipping back outside, not looking at anyone as I slid on my shirt and shorts, well aware that everyone was staring at me.
“Bye.” I mumbled.
“Where’re you going?” Pete asked immediately.
“Your place.” I wasn’t speaking loudly or clearly, but I didn’t care. They all got the message.
“Alright, let’s go.” Pete grabbed his towel and joined me by the gate I’d been shuffling towards.
I glanced up at him in surprise.
“You haven’t earned being home alone yet.” Pete grinned crookedly at me.
“I’ll be good.” I promised. “I don’t wanna ruin your fun.”
“You’re plenty of fun.” Pete retorted, and I gave him a look that screamed he was out of his mind.
“Ok, you used to be plenty of fun. But I’m sure we can trick that back out of you.” Pete ruffled my hair.
Mike, Sisky, Michael, Joe, and the Butcher joined us, and Pete and I glanced at them.
“We’re fun, too.” Joe chirped.
I smiled weakly at him as Patrick and Andy ambled over, Joe and Pete linking arms with me as we all started walking back to Pete’s place.
I felt guilty, leaving Bill all by himself.

Then I remembered he had Nova to go home to. He wasn’t alone. He never had been.
He was ok without me.
It was time for me to be ok without him.

||Stab my back, it’s better when I bleed for you||