We've Lost Control

I went back to work a few days later. Hanley and I had an unspoken agreement to not talk about any of my problems, but we were on somewhat okay terms. I needed a friend during that time and she was the only one I really had since everyone else was gone.

I can’t even begin to explain how overworked my mind was. I knew what I needed to do, but something was holding me back. At work, I was stoic and moved around almost mechanically. I kept telling myself that I was being irrational and I needed to snap out of it, but nothing worked. My anger kept getting the best of me.

“Hey Sawyer,” Allen, the shop owner, said from the back of the shop. I was at the front filing away some paperwork.

With no emotion, I put the papers down and made my way back to where he was, “What’s up?” I asked quietly.

“I know you’ve had a rough couple of days, but do you think you can fake a smile for the customers?” He asked with a sharp tone.

I sighed then nodded, “I’m sorry Allen.” I apologized, “My head is just really fucked up right now.”

He nodded, “I understand. Just get it straightened out; I don’t want to have to let you go.” I nodded this time and he went back to his station.
---
“What did Allen say earlier?” Hanley asked some time later after she was done with her client.

I shrugged, “He basically told me to shape up or ship out.”

She seethed and winced at my news, “Oow, that’s not good.”

I laughed bitterly, “I’m aware.” I said then went back to look at the computer screen where I was typing in the new appointment we had called in.

“Hey,” She said trying to get my attention.

“Hmm?” I replied as I typed out the name.

“Do you want to do something tonight?” She asked and I raised my eyebrow at her in curiosity.

“Like what?” I asked and she shrugged. I was extremely curious as to what she had up her sleeve.

“You need to unwind. Let’s do some drinking.” I was mildly surprised by her proposition and usually I would have declined, but something inside of me craved a drink or four. It seemed like a good idea-at the time.
---
Because Hanley was a tattoo artist, she had connections with a few bouncers and some clubs around the city of Los Angeles. It was my lucky night because one of these connections was working the front door of a club off La Brea and let me in without checking my ID. Hanley had told me beforehand to act as if I belonged instead of acting nervous like I really felt.

We went straight to the bar when we got in like any normal clubgoer would do. “Two shots of Patron Silver!” Hanley yelled over the loud remix of a Katy Perry song to the bartender.

The guy behind the car placed two shot glasses on the bar then brought a short bottle out and filled them up. Hanley handed him some bills, “Get her an LA Water and get me a Jack and Coke.” She said to which he nodded while we both grabbed our shots of tequila. “Okay Sawyer, are you ready?” She asked with a smirk.

I nodded then clinked glasses with her, “Ready as I’ll ever be.” I said then we both threw our heads back with the small glasses on our lips. It burned going down but I was expecting that. I let out a small couch and Hanley laughed.

“Come on, let’s go dance.” She said as she grabbed my new drink and handed it to me.

An hour and a half later I was well on my way to being completely drunk. I kept giggling and making stupid jokes against my better judgment. I danced with a few guys and didn’t even feel guilty about it. I would feel guilty about not feeling guilty in the morning. But more than that I would regret how much I drank when I woke up with a pounding headache and barely able to move.

I had been dancing with a blonde guy who said he was a model. I didn’t see it, but kept dancing because he kept buying me drinks. I had been enjoying myself until he started to get a little grabby. And by grabby I mean he was all but groping me which I did not like at all. I tried to push his hands off of me, but I was too inebriated. Then he started to suck on my neck.

“Stop it.” I said lightly, hoping he’d get the hint and actually listen to me. He didn’t. “Stop.” I said when he continued. Finally, I pushed him away, sobering up considerably. “I said stop!” I yelled as I stumbled.

The look on his face scared me. His eyes were clouded over with drunkenness and lust. He grabbed my hips roughly, making me wince, “Come on, Baby.” He purred.

I felt sick to my stomach as I pushed him away again, “No, Fucker, I’m married.” I said then shoved my left hand in his face to which he shrugged at.

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” He smirked then advanced toward me again.

With all of my strength, I shoved him completely off of me which resulted in him being knocked into a group of people behind him. “I said no!” I yelled as people gave us both dirty looks.

He growled, “Bitch.”

“At least I’m not a whore!” I replied and just like that he had taken off.

Suddenly, Hanley was at me side, “Are you okay?” She asked as she rubbed my back.

I shrugged as I wrapped my arms around my torso, “Can we go home?” I asked quietly and she nodded.
---
The next morning I felt gross. Beyond gross. I felt dirty. Why did I even agree to go out? Nothing good could ever come from drinking.

Hanley had plans with some old friends that day, so I woke up to an empty apartment. It was around noon thirty when I woke up and it was disgustingly hot, making the hangover all that much worse.

I trudged my sticky body to the kitchen to get painkillers for my aching head and queasy stomach. As I gulped down a cup of water, there was a knock on the door. My brow furrowed as I set the cup down and made my way to the front door. I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror on the wall in the entryway and cringed; the guy had left a small hickey on my neck. Groaning, I let my hair down and covered the red blotch.

Colin Baylen was on the other side of the door which confused me even more, “Whoa, what happened to you?” He asked and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m hungover.” I groaned then let him in.

“Oh,” He laughed as he stepped into the apartment, “that explains it.”

Ignoring his comment, I shut the door and turned back to him, “No offense Colin, but why are you here?” I asked as I clutched the side of my head where it pounded, causing me to flinch.

He averted his eyes and awkwardly cleared his throat, “Uhm, two reasons really.” He said but didn’t continue.

I really did not have the patience for what he was doing, “And they are?” I asked in annoyance.

“First: I need advice with Kitty. Second: Nick asked me to come over here.”

Cue guilt. My head was too out of place for anything having to do with Nick. “Did he give you a reason why he wanted you to come over here?” I asked as I made my way to the couch and sat down. I really just wanted to go lie down and sleep until my hangover was gone, but obviously Colin had other plans for me.

“He just wanted to make sure you were okay because he didn’t know if Hanley was just giving him information that you wanted him to hear.”

I leaned over and put my head between my knees and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. “Well maybe you should take a fucking picture and send it to him or something to show him that I haven’t killed myself yet.” I said bitterly.

He ignored my comment and continued on with giving me his two cents, “Sawyer, you look like a wreck and I’m not sure if it’s the hangover or if you’re in bad shape.”

Why was everyone so God damned worried about me?

I sat back up, suddenly sweating more than before. With the hairtie around my wrist, I tied my hair up in a messy bun. I looked at Colin and realized his eyes were suddenly on my neck, “I, uh, burnt myself with a curling iron.” I lied because at the time it seemed like the logical thing to do. When he didn’t say anything, I changed the subject, “So, about Kitty.”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat then sat in the loveseat to my left, “Her birthday is on Monday and I don’t know what to do.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “Well that depends on if you’re dating or not.”

He groaned, “I told her that when she turned eighteen I’d ask her out, but all of that shit happened with that guy from Breathe Carolina, so I don’t know if I lost my chance or what.” He seemed like his situation was making him crazy.

I smirked, “You haven’t lost your chance, Colin. The relationship between Eric and Kitty is over. They just had some sexual tension that had been building since January of ‘08. It was strictly sex between them.” Then again, I hadn’t talked to her about it because my life had gotten a bit out of hand since it happened.

He groaned, “When I heard what happened between them I got so mad, Sawyer. I thought I was going to kill someone.” It was cute how worked up he was getting.

“Did she tell you?” I asked and he shook his head.

“No, Nick did. Kitty doesn’t know I know.”

I rolled my eyes at the mention of Nick’s role in the problem; he always had to be in everybody’s business. “Well, it’s not like you guys were together or something.”

He nodded, “I know. That’s why I’m trying not to get too worked up over it.”

I smiled softly at him, “You’re a good guy, Colin, and Kitty would be ecstatic to be with you.

He smiled at what I was telling him, “You think so?”

I nodded, “Yes.” I chuckled, “Now, how about you drive out to New Mexico and surprise her? Take her out to dinner on her birthday.” I lifted my legs into a criss-crossed position under me and smiled; I loved being matchmaker.

“Would she like that?” He questioned hesitantly and I nodded once more.

“Yes! Are you kidding?! Here, let me give you her address so you can Mapquest it.” I said then grabbed a pen off of the coffee table. Next, I ripped off a piece of paper from an issue of People Magazine we had lying around.

“Thank you so much, Sawyer. I really appreciate it.” He said as he took the scrap from my hand.

“No problem. All I ask, though, is that you don’t chicken out and stay in the friend zone.”

He laughed then got up, “All right.” I smiled lightly. “Well, I know you’re probably wanting to recoop, so I’ll just be on my way.”

“Okay, Colin.” I said, “It was nice seeing you.”

“You too.” He said genuinely then left the apartment.
---
I was well into a good nap when my phone rang I couldn’t hide my irritated-ness as I answered the call without looking or even registering what ringtone was going off, “Whoever this is, this better be good.” I said with my voice coated with sleep.

“Are you cheating on me?”

My mind was still asleep as I tried to figure out what was going on. Finally, I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that it was Nick on the other end. Suddenly my eyes widened as I realized what he had asked me. “What?!” I cried, extremely alert now, “No!”

“It sure took you a while to answer my question.” Wow, he was pissed.

“Because I was half asleep when I answered. I didn’t even know who was calling!” I sat up in bed to wake myself up further.

“How did you not know who was calling? My name is on the fucking screen, Sawyer!” He yelled.

“I didn’t look at the screen, Nicholas,” I tried using a tone that told him he was being ridiculous, “because I was asleep you jackass.”

“Why were you hungover? Why do you have a hickey?”

Was this really happened? I leaned my forehead on the area between my thumb and pointer finger of my left hand and sighed, “I’m hungover because I got drunk last night. How else do you get fucking hungover?”

“What about the hickey?!” I could picture him pacing wherever he was with crazy eyes as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“Oh my God, Nick! I went to a club and let this guy buy me drinks because I didn’t want to pay for them then he tried to force himself on me, but I pushed him off of me!” I cried, incredibly upset.

“I don’t believe you.” He laughed bitterly. My mouth dropped at the fact that he really didn’t believe me.

Flabbergasted, I let out a sharp breath, “Well I’m sorry for that, but it’s the truth.” I said then hung up. I was finally realizing why I never involved myself with anyone romantically.