We've Lost Control

Hanley was staring at me the next day as we ate lunch at some Mexican food place by the tattoo shop. I was trying to enjoy my guacamole, but I couldn’t with the way she was looking at me. As if she was judging me. She was supposed to be my best friend not his.

“What?!” I finally snapped.

“He’s really broken up, Sawyer.” She said in her motherly, caring tone I would soon grow to hate. I rolled my eyes and popped another chip into my mouth, “He doesn’t want to lose you. That’s his worst fear.” She continued.

I dropped my hand down onto the table with a loud ‘slap’ which caused it to sting for a couple of seconds afterward, “Hanley, I know and I’m not leaving him. I’m in it for the long haul. I just need a goddamn break, okay?” I said sharply. Her lips set into a fine line and she nodded. “I talked to him last night.” And by talk I really meant I texted him once.

“What did you say to him?

I groaned in annoyance, “If all you’re going to talk about is shit I don’t want to talk about then I’m going to leave.” I said then pulled some cash from my bag and threw it on the table. I then got up and walked away, ignoring her calls.
---
I ended up driving to my old school. I had no idea what really drew me there, but the almost hour drive cooled me down a good amount. That and listening to The Dead Weather‘s debut album “Horehound.“ There was something about Alison Mosshart’s almost growl and the heavy guitars that calmed me down.

It was the middle of July, but Options was year round, so Rilee was there. She looked at me in confusion when I walked up to her table.

“Sawyer, you’re aware you don’t go here anymore, right? You’ve graduated.” She said as I sat down next to her desk. Luckily she had no students at the time.

“I know, but you’re the only one who I can talk to right now cause you’re unbiased.” I said miserably.

She chuckled softly, “Why? What’s up?”

I ended up telling her everything that was going on and she listened to everything I had to say then proceeded to give me advice once I was done.

“Well, Hanley’s right, you’re way too young to be starting a family with Nick, husband or not. I see a lot of girls come through here at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen with kids and yeah, they make it work, but it’s not something you want for yourself at such a young age. I know you want to go to Brooks. You have to ability to go to Brooks. You probably wouldn’t be able to be free to do as much with a baby there.” She said and I nodded, “Now, Nick really loves you. I saw it when he looked at you at graduation. And I know you love him, too by how you talk about him. You shouldn’t push him away; that would be the worst thing to do right now. I understand what he did was stupid, but he’s your husband and he’s hurting just as much as you are, if not more because he’s the one that stressed you out so much and he can’t help you right now while you’re hurting so badly.”

I took everything in that she was saying with an open mind. What she was saying was completely true and I don’t know why hearing it coming from her made it stick, but it did.

“It’s probably killing him that he can’t do anything to help you because you won’t let him in. All he’s doing is sitting off to the side doing nothing but watching your close yourself off from everybody. Then to top it all off, he can’t even see you anymore to make sure you’re all right for the most part because he’s on tour for the next month.”

I hated that everything I did was the wrong thing.
---
Rilee’s words rang through my head for the next three days. Why was it so hard for me to just forgive Nick and get on with our lives? I wanted to forgive him, but something inside me kept me from doing so.

The date on my phone told me that it was Rocket’s last day on Warped Tour. I knew they’d have a couple of days off before they were to join The Cab on their tour. I was kind of glad I wasn’t joining them because they were going back to their van.

I was finally doing my Warped Tour laundry when my phone began ringing. I hadn’t heard the specialized ringtone of “Between Two Lungs” by Florence + The Machine in a while. It was Nick.

My heart sped up as I answered with a tentative “Hello?”

He was quiet, but I could hear commotion in the background and couldn’t help but to wonder if he had pocket-dialed me by accident.

“Hi.” He finally said. He sounded so tired and worn out, but what else would you expect from someone who was on Warped Tour? Nonetheless, I was quiet not knowing exactly where to begin. Forgetting about my dirty laundry, I sat down next to the growing pile on my bed, “How are you?” He asked and just like that I was closed off again.

“I’ve been better.” I replied shortly and he sighed.

“I know you’re upset, but we need to talk, Sawyer.” I resister the urge to roll my eyes, “What if I flew out there tonight and stayed for two days? We can talk.”

Even though my heart panged in my chest at the sheer fact that he was trying so hard, I couldn’t grant him his wish, “Nick,” I breathed out almost helplessly.

“Sawyer, I miss you and I just-we need to get through this.” He sounded so broken and tired but I couldn’t let myself be happy.

“Nick, we will get through this, I just need some more time.” I said and almost almost regretted it.

“Sawyer,” The begging tone in his voice and the raw emotion nearly had me in tears, “this is the only time off there is until the tour is over.”

I winced, “Well then I’ll see you in August.”

He sighed then let out a quiet “Okay.”

“I love you.” I said then hung up, not waiting for his response. For some reason I couldn’t let myself be happy.