We've Lost Control

I didn’t sleep well. I had a headache and my stomach was killing me. Not to mention I was sleeping in a bunk under Nick and every time he moved a pain shot through my chest. No matter how much he pissed me off, I still loved him and knowing that we were fighting killed me.

The night before, I sat with Kitty until she was sober enough to drive home. She seemed fine with losing her virginity to Eric Armenta. That upset me a little bit, but it’s not like I could scold her for it. It was over and done with.

“What were you and Nick fighting about last night?” Justin asked around two in the afternoon. I had just gotten out of bed; my stomach hurt too much to move, so I tried to stay cooped up in my bunk for as long as possible. “You guys were really loud and he stormed onto the bus really pissed off.”

I rolled my eyes as I slowly sat down on the couch next to him, “What do we always fight about?” I snapped and he raised his hands in defense.

“Hey! I was just curious.” He defended.

“Yeah? Well curiosity killed the cat.” I scowled then cringed as pains shot through my stomach and down through my legs.

“Are you okay?” He asked in concern and I nodded.

“Yeah. Just a stomachache, it’ll pass.”
---
Out of pure luck, A Rocket to the Moon were playing after Breathe Carolina on this particular day. My stomachache hadn’t let up, but I kept pushing through the day. I hadn’t talked to Nick all day, but I could tell he was still angry just like I was.

Just as Breathe Carolina were playing their second to last song, I felt my legs giving out due to the immense pain. Slowly, I made it backstage where Nick was putting together their standup banners. I sat down on one of their cases and grabbed his water that was sitting in the grass. He glanced up at me then back to what he was going, not even caring that I was sitting there. I rolled my eyes as I shook my head.

The pains were getting worse and worse. I inhaled sharply as one shot through me. Nick must have heard because he stopped what he was doing and looked at me. “Are you okay?” He questioned, truly concerned. I nodded quickly, but didn’t say anything; I was clenching my teeth too hard. “Are you sure?” He asked.

“Yes.” I answered, but he continued to look at me, “It’s just a stomachache. I’ll be fine.”

“Maybe you should go back to the bus and lie down.” The way that we could just forget about everything because he was concerned showed me that we would eventually get past what was going on between us.

I shook my head at his suggestion, “Can’t sleep.”

He walked over and pressed his hand to my forehead then frowned, “You’re pretty hot.”

I chuckled, “Thanks.” I said weakly, trying to lighten the mood. He shot me a look and I sighed, “It’s probably just the heat you’re feeling.” He looked at me for a couple more seconds, not convinced, before leaving me be and going back to the banners.

To my surprise, Nick asked Kyle to stay with me during Rocket’s set to make sure I was okay. Throughout the whole thing, the pain only got worse and worse to the point that I had ears flowing from my eyes. What was wrong with me?

“Hey,” Kyle said softly in concern. “Do you want me to get First Aid over here?” He asked and I shook my head.

“I’ll go over once their set is over. This is their last song anyway.” I gripped the edge of the case I was sitting on until my knuckles turned white.

Kyle continued to look at me, “Are you sure?” He asked and I nodded. I was feeling dizzy. What was wrong with me?

As Nick handed his guitar off to a tech, I felt myself losing consciousness. The last thing I saw before my eyes rolled to the back of my head and my body went limp causing me to slide off of the case was Nick’s panic stricken face.
---
I wasn’t aware of anything when I regained consciousness. My eyelids were heavy and all I could see through half-lidded eyes were dim lights. ‘How long was I out for?’ Was the only thing I could think. Then I felt a warmth in my left hand.

I turned my head the slightest bit and saw Nick. His hair was disheveled, his leg was bouncing up and down, and the worry was written across his face. He looked stressed out and scared. I was weak, but with all of my strength I squeezed his hand. He snapped his head up to look at me. Our eyes locked and immediately he sprung from his chair and let go of my hand.

“Oh my God, Sawyer, Baby, I’m sorry. So sorry. I thought I was going to lose you.” He showered my face with kisses through his panicked rambling. “There was so much blood. I don’t know how you survived.” He kissed me a couple of times on the lips as he held my head in his calloused hands.

Through my drowsy state, I grew confused with what he was saying. “Blood?” I croaked out and he nodded, on the verge of tears. “What happened?” I asked breathlessly.

He let out a big breath, “Baby, you passed out. And when you fell, you hit your head on the corner of the case. I was so scared Sawyer. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in my life.”

I was about to ask him why there was blood, but was interrupted by the door opening. A woman with dirty blonde hair wearing a white trench coat and green scrubs walked in. She was in her thirties and looked tired. Nick immediately let go of my head and sat back down in the chair he had been in previously.

“Mrs. Santino, it’s nice to see you awake.” She said as she walked over to the machine to my right.

“How long was I out for?” I asked, gaining strength to my voice.

“Seven hours.” Nick answered before the doctor could. His leg was bouncing again.

“Yes, seven hours.” She repeated. That’s when I noticed the solemn look on her face, “Sawyer, I’m Dr. Marsh and I’ve been your doctor since you came in.” I nodded and she continued, lowering her voice to a soft comforting tone, “Had you been experiencing any stomach pains before you fainted?” She asked and I nodded.

“I’d been feeling funny the past couple of days, but I blamed it on the heat. Then it just got worse.” I explained. “Why?“ I asked as Nick took hold of my hand again, afraid for news what was to come.

She looked me square in the eye before explaining what was wrong, “Your stomach pains were caused by a miscarriage.” My mind went blank and my mouth dropped open slightly.

A miscarriage. I was pregnant.

I felt Nick’s hand break contact with mine, bringing me back to reality. He was just as shocked as I was.

“Were you aware of your pregnancy?” Dr. Marsh asked softly and I shook my head dumbly. How could I have not known I was pregnant? “What caused this to happen was the mouth of the womb became fully dilated. You were bleeding because your cervix opened. This was completely inevitable. I’m sorry.”

I had been pregnant.

“How far along was I?” I finally asked.

“About six weeks.”

My mind flew back to six weeks before, trying to remember.

“Boston.” Nick broke the silence with a monotone voice. I looked at him, trying to figure out what he was feeling and thinking. I was still in too much shock to figure out what all was happening. “What could have caused this?” He asked, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Genetics, caffeine, smoking, drinking, stress.” She listed.

Too much stress. Stress. Lord knows I’d been stressed for the past month and a half.

“Do you have anymore questions?” She asked and I turned back in her direction and shook my head slowly, almost robotically.

“No. Thank you, Doctor.” I said without much emotion.

She smiled softly, “Well, there’ll be some doctors in here in a little bit to get you ready for a CT scan to see how your head is looking.” My head was looking pretty scrambled.

It was quiet when Dr. Marsh walked out of the room. I think Nick and I were still in shock in complete shock. I kept picturing the both of us with a little girl. I didn’t really want kids, but knowing I had been pregnant somehow didn’t freak me out. It mostly broke my heart. It was given to me then pulled away in the blink of an eye. It wasn’t fair.

Tears welled up in my eyes and my throat tightened. I choked out a sob, feeling completely ridiculous. Through my cries, I heard Nick rise from his chair then the bed shifted. “Shh,” He soothed as his arms wrapped around my shoulders. Immediately, I buried my face into his chest and let it all out. He leaned his cheek atop my head and whispered soothing and encouraging words to me.

“I should have known, Nick. I should have known.” I blubbered as I pulled away from him.

He wiped away the tears, but it was no use; they just kept falling, “No, Babygirl, shh. It’s not your fault. There was no way you could have known, Babydoll; you weren’t showing any signs.” He looked just as broken as I was. I could tell by the look on his face and the tone of his voice, he was holding back tears. “I shouldn’t have started those stupid fights with you. I was being so incredibly stupid.” I let out another sob and he pulled me back into his chest.

This just wasn’t fair.