Love Is Hell

I smiled and took a deep breath of fresh air as I stepped off the bus. It was nice finally being able to enjoy the fresh air after being on the bus for two days straight.

I made sure to remember what our bus looked like before I started weaving my way through the countless other tour busses. Today, The Maine was performing at an outdoor festival in Portland, so there were lots of other bands here too. I was actually pretty excited because I've never been to an outdoor concert before.

As I made my way through the catering tent I grabbed a water bottle before heading out into the crowd to find the guys. It was around 4 in the afternoon and I only woke up a few hours ago. I stayed up late last night with Garrett playing Uno and watching movies. When I woke up all the guys were gone, having to set up the merch tent.

My phone buzzed, signaling I received a text. I looked down, expecting it to be from Amy who I’d been texting, but instead it was from Garrett.

Wake up sleepy head and come to our merch tent

I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I continued to push my way through the crowds of people walking around. Not exactly sure where I was going, I just walked around, hoping I would find their tent eventually. After passing several different tents, I finally recognized The Maine’s logo on a large white tent and made my way towards it.

There was a decent amount of fans surrounding it, probably because the band was there. I casually slipped by them and walked into the tent. The guys were too busy signing and talking with the fans to notice so I walked up behind Garrett and tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned around and smiled when he saw me.

“Finally up I see,” he grinned as he glanced at me.

I rolled my eyes at him and playfully pushed him. He laughed and returned to greeting the fans. I said hi to the rest of the boys before I sat down in a lounge chair behind them. I watched as they interacted with their fans. They were so nice and appreciative.

Their fans seemed nice enough too. They really adored the guys. A few girls would glance back at me and whisper to their friends, but I tried to ignore them. I was a bit nervous though, praying that they didn’t recognize me from the magazine.

Finally, after about the fifth girl had stared at me, I stood up. I walked back over to the guys, ignoring the stare of the skinny blonde.

“Hey, I’m going to go walk around for a bit.” I said.

Garrett looked away from the blonde and turned towards me, “Oh ok. We’re going to be done soon, so if you want to wait a bit I’ll come with you then.”

I shook my head. It would have been nice to have Garrett’s company, but I don’t think I could endure anymore death stares from girls anymore. I was pretty insecure as it is, so having pretty and skinny girls glare at me didn’t quite help me feel any better.

“No it’s ok, stay with the fans, they’re more important,” I said as I started backing away, towards the tent entrance.

Garrett seemed to hesitate, but nodded, “Ok, if you’re sure…”

I nodded and gave a small smile before turning around to leave.

“Bye Lo!” John shouted obnoxiously from his seat next to Garrett.

Laughing, I turned around to wave goodbye to them. John gave a goofy grin in return, but Garrett was already turned around, laughing at something the pretty blonde said. I sighed and quickly left the tent. Not exactly sure why I was bothered, I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. However, the image of the skinny blonde flirting shamelessly with Garrett made me want to vomit. Blaming it on the bit of cereal I ate this morning I set out to find the nearest porter potty.

&&

Hey, we’re playing in 10 minutes if you want to come

I sighed as I closed the text message from Kennedy, deciding I should probably head towards the stage now. I got up from the table that Kennedy and I were both sitting at just a few minutes ago and headed back into the sea of people.

For the past few hours I was walking around the festival, going to different booths and watching different bands. I was alone the majority of the time which I didn’t mind, but I was kind of hoping that Garrett would have tried to come find me after the signing. Instead, I ran into Kennedy and we hung out for a while which was nice too. We walked around and played some games, but then he had to go get ready for the show, promising to text me when they we’re getting ready to go on stage.

After checking the set times and stages, I set out in the direction of the stage that the guys were playing at. I weaved my way through the crowd once I found the stage. Deciding to watch the show from the crowd this time, I tried to make my way towards the front. I finally managed to elbow my way to a small clearing near the right side of the stage in the front. I squeezed in between two girls, both clad in The Maine t-shirts.

They both glanced at me and I awkwardly smiled in return.

“Oh hey!” the pretty brunette on my right exclaimed suddenly, “I know you!”

I froze.

Shit, shit, shit

She nudged the girl next to her, “Look, I told you it was her!” she said as she motioned towards me.

Her friend turned in my direction and then shook her head, “No, it’s not her. The girl’s prettier than her,” she murmured to the brunette.

I awkwardly glanced down, praying that the guys would start their show already.

The brunette shook her head, “No, it’s definitely her,” she replied. She then turned back towards me again.

“So, this might be a weird question, but you know The Maine right?”

Not exactly sure if I should ignore her or not, I slowly nodded my head.

She squealed and hit her friend, “See, I told you it was her!” she then faced me once again, “you’re dating Garrett Nickelsen right?”

“Uh, what?” I awkwardly replied. I was definitely caught off guard with that one.

The girl nodded, “Yeah, you’ve been featured in a lot of their tour pictures that they put up on their website. And there’s this really cute picture of you and Garrett too! You guys really do make an adorable couple!” she said excitedly as she started fiddling around with their phone.

Unable to process what she just said, I just stared at her.

Me and Garrett dating? And what pictures was she talking about? I do remember Pat running around with his camera, taking random pictures, but I also remember asking him not to take any of me.

“Here, look!” she said as she shoved her iPhone in my face. My eyes focused in on the picture. No wonder I didn’t remember Pat taking it. Garrett and I were both asleep on the couch in the back lounge; my head was resting on his shoulder while his head rested on top of mine. It really did look like we were a couple.

“It’s so cute!” she squealed as she took her phone back.

I shook my head, “Oh, no we’re not—” I began, but before I could finish my sentence, the music started and the crowd started screaming.

The concert began and the boys ran out on stage. The crowd went wild, screaming their names. Garrett looked up and our eyes met. He smiled and gave a small wave. The girl next to me squealed and playfully pushed my shoulder.

I didn’t notice though because my mind was still reeling with the image of me and Garrett. I couldn't help but notice that even though I was sleeping, I actually looked happy and peaceful. Garrett and I seemed to fit well in the picture too.

I groaned, but it was drowned out by the fans screaming. I couldn’t think that way. I couldn’t think of Garrett in that way. We were friends, maybe not even. There were still times when Garrett would randomly PMS and get annoyed by me. We weren’t together and we probably never would be. I couldn’t think of him in that way because he didn’t think of me in that way.

I was just there. A friend. Nothing more than just a friend. But for some reason I couldn’t help but feel disappointed about that.

&&

It was a few hours after The Maine ended their show. Right after their set ended I made my way back to the bus. The guys had another signing and then mentioned watching another band. Only about a few minutes ago did some of the guys start piling onto the bus, still hyper from their show.

I couldn’t help but notice that Garrett hadn’t returned yet, but I tried not to dwell on it. I’ve been trying to distract myself from any thoughts of the bass player since the show. It was probably better that he was possibly off hanging with the pretty blonde somewhere. At least it would assure me that nothing was or ever would happen.

After about another half hour the guys finally settled down and we were all watching Anchorman. We were all quietly watching the movie when the bus door flung opened. We all turned to see a disheveled Garrett walking onto the bus.

“Hey man, where’ve you been?” John called out to him.

He shrugged, “Around.”

The guys deemed it an appropriate answer and turned their attention back to the movie without another thought.

Garrett caught my eye and walked over to me.
He motioned his head towards the door, “I want to show you something.”

I looked at him skeptically, but stood up anyways and followed him towards the door. I turned around and looked at Kennedy, wondering if he knew what was going on. He just shrugged.

I followed Garrett off the bus and out into the parking lot. There were a lot less busses, but the festival was still full of people. We walked into the crowd and I followed his lead towards the exit. We exited the festival and made our way towards the parking lot.

Garrett took out a set of keys and pressed a button. The lights of a black Jeep lit up and he opened the door, getting into the driver’s seat.

“Come on,” he said as he looked up at me before closing the door. I quickly walked to the passenger’s side and got in.

“Whose car is this?” I asked as he started it. I knew it couldn’t be his or any of the guys on tour.

“A friend lent it to me for the night,” he replied as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto a main road. Seeing as this was my first time in Portland, I had no idea where we were going, but Garrett seemed to know exactly where he was going as he drove.

We were driving for about five minutes before I decided to ask where we were going. Garrett glanced over at me and smiled, making me catch my breath for some reason.

“You’ll see.”

It was another fifteen minutes before he turned down a dirt road that led into the woods. I glanced over at Garrett again, but he just quietly hummed to himself. We drove through the woods on the uneven and bumpy road that seemed to be winding up. Finally we must have made it to the top because we drove into a small clearing where there was a dirt parking lot.

He pulled into it and then parked the car and turned it off.

Finally, he turned towards me and smiled.

“So now are you going to tell me where we are?” I asked.

He laughed, “I’ll show you, come on.” He said before reaching into the back and grabbing a bag and then getting out of the car. I sighed and unbuckled my seat belt and got out.
Already a bit ahead of me, he walked up a small hill. Once he reached the top he turned around and faced me, “Here we are.”

I walked up the small hill to where he was. Once I reached him he turned forward and I did the same.

“Wow.”

I was speechless. We were standing on a large mountain that overlooked the city with mountains in the distance. It was breathtaking; I’d never seen anything so amazing. The sun was just about setting, coloring the sky with reds, oranges and purples.

“Pretty sweet right?” Garrett said, breaking the silence.

I just nodded, still dazed by the view.

He dropped the bag he was carrying and opened it. He pulled out a large blanket and spread it out on the grass. He then sat down and patted the spot next to him. I slowly sat down next to him.

“How did you find this place?” I asked. It was a good twenty minutes away from the festival grounds and pretty secluded. This wasn’t a place that you would just accidently come upon.

“We’ve been playing the Portland festival for a few years and about two years ago our good friends from another band brought us here after and ever since then we would come back.” He explained as he took out a Tupperware container and two water bottles. He handed me a water and then opened the container.

“Shit,” he mumbled, “I forgot to heat the pizza before we left.” He said as he stared down at the two slices of pizza.

I giggled, “It’s ok. I happen to enjoy cold pizza too.”

He smiled and handed me a piece, “Hope you don’t mind that I only brought one slice for each of us. I’ve noticed that you like barely eat so I didn’t think you’d want two.”

I took the slice from him and nodded, “Yeah it’s fine.” I said. Unfortunately I didn’t want to even eat the one slice, but then Garrett would definitely start to notice my lack of appetite.

“Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He said before getting up and walking back towards the car. I sighed in content as I looked out at the view. The sun was getting lower in the sky and now it was more of a purple and blue color.

All of a sudden I heard Death Cab for Cutie’s I Will Follow You Into the Darkness start playing softly. I turned around and saw Garrett walking back towards me.

“The only CDs he had in the car were Death Cab for Cutie and Slayer. Kind of thought that this would be better.” He said as he sat down.

I laughed and nodded.

We then ate and talked. We talked about everything, from Garrett’s family to tour and from school to my childhood. It was so easy to talk to Garrett. I felt like I could actually say what was on my mind, unlike how I felt with everyone else. I didn’t feel like I had to please him like I did with my parents or like I had to pretend about everything. For once I felt like Lorraine Andrews. I felt like myself.

By now the pizza and sun was long gone. We were lying on our backs, staring at the sky and pointing out made up constellations. Transatlanticism was softly playing in the background.

“I don’t see it…” I said between giggles as Garrett tried to point out a monkey.

“No, I’m telling you, it’s there, see there’s the tale,” he said as he pointed into the sky.

“Nope, still not seeing it.” I said shaking my head.

He laughed and sighed, “Whatever. I see it so it’s there.”

We laid in a comfortable silence for a bit, just enjoying the music and scenery.

“So,” I broke the silence, “Is this something I can cross off my ‘list’”? I asked. I still wasn’t exactly sure what this ‘list’ that he had made was or what was on it, but was curious if this had anything to do with it.

“Have you ever gone stargazing in Portland before this?” he asked.

I shook my head, “Nope.”

“Then I guess this can be crossed off the list then.” He said, nodding his head.

I nodded and looked back up at the sky.

I gasped. It was almost too quick, but I could have sworn I saw a shooting star.

“Make a wish,” Garrett murmured. He must have seen it too.

I closed my eyes and thought of a wish. There was so much I could wish for. More loving parents, to be skinnier, to stay on tour and never have to go home. But I didn’t want to wish for any of that now. The only wish I could think of had to do with the boy next to me.

It scared me. I never felt this way before with anyone. Sure I had a few boyfriends here and there, but this was different. Garrett made me happy, happier than I’ve been in a while. And now, lying beneath the stars with him, I couldn’t help but finally admit to myself the feelings I developed for him. I’ve been lying to myself for the past couple of days. But now I was certain. I had feelings for Garrett Nickelsen and it scared the hell out of me. And the only thing I could do was wish that he felt the same way.