What You Mean to Me

Frank.

What is love? Well, if you look it up in the dictionary, you'll find something along the lines of a deep, intense, passionate feeling of attraction and or desire.

I never had a real idea of what love was. Growing up, my parents didn't set that great of an example. Yeah, they lived in the same house and slept in the same bed, but it seemed like they were living on opposite sides of the planet. Sometimes I think it would have been better if they had lived on opposite sides of the planet.

They were constantly fighting, and I think the only reason why they stayed together as long as they did was because of me. They both loved me with all their hearts, and only wanted what was best for me.

Love was never something that I gave much thought. I mean, yeah, I knew I'd fall in love someday, but that was to be way in the distant future, when I was about twenty-five, or something, when I was capable of knowing what love was. I'd meet some girl, go through the whole getting to know her process, and fall in love.

That didn't happen for me.

When I first realized that I had fallen in love, I was thirteen. Not twenty-five, but thirteen. And I never got to meet a girl and do the whole getting to know her thing, because the girl I fell in love with was someone I have known for all of my life.

I'm in love with my best friend, Lena Haas.

I never really expected for this to happen. I mean, who ever does set out to have their main goal in life be to fall in love with their best friend? But I guess it was all there in the making from the beginning. We have always been best friends, translation, we have always been at
each other's side.

Lena moved to Jersey when I was three, right across the street from me, and I swear, the moment I first saw her, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. My mom says that she remembers that I had been watching TV when I first noticed there were new people I had never seen before next door. When I asked her what was going on, she replied that we had new neighbors.

Then I saw a little girl who looked my age get out of the SUV that had just pulled up. She had long dark hair, an olive complexion, and was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I had ran to the kitchen where my mom was and dragged her to the window, pointing to the little girl, and telling my mom I was going to marry her one day.

For the remainder of the day, I stared out that window to try to get even if it was only the smallest glimpse of her. When my dad came home, he had to practically drag me away to go eat dinner.

When we finally met the family after inviting them over for dinner the following week, Lena and I clicked and bonded instantly, promising that we would be best friends from that point on.

Lena and I had tons in common, and it was almost like she was made for me, in every single way. Her parent really liked me, her father was like my own and was there when my dad first left. Her mom was like a second mom to me, and it didn't help that our moms had become best friends over night. Lena and I were stuck together like peanut butter and chocolate in a Resse's Peanut Butter Cup.

I remember the fist time I actually realized that I was in love with Lena. Me and her and my mom and her mom and dad had all gone to Puerto Rico for summer break, and we were on the beach. Lena looked so beautiful- the way the sun radiated off her glowing skin, the sparkle in her eyes, her bell-like laugh, her sweet smile… That night I wasn't able to sleep and snuck into her room so I could watch her sleep, and I as I gazed down at her, I knew I was feeling something different for her.

That was when I was fourteen.

I am now seventeen, a junior in high school, and am still in love with my best friend.

It's funny how all this worked out, when you think about it. I guess it all sound real cliché. But I can't help it- I can't help how I feel. And honestly, I feel a lot for this girl.

But we're just friends. We have all the same friends, so we hang out all the time, still, but things are just a little bit different. You see, Lena has a boyfriend, Jordan. And I hate him with ever fiber of my being. I hate seeing Lena in his arms, kissing him, holding his hand… but I have to hide the raging jealousy I feel every time I see this go on in front of my eyes.

There's nothing I can do.

So I pretend to like him, for Lena's sake, for her happiness. If it weren't for her happiness, I'd have beaten him to a bloody pulp by now, despite the fact that he's a good two inches taller than me.

But I guess I can't complain too much, because as it would be, I have a girlfriend too. Nora.
I've been with her for about a year or something like that now, but I don't really care about her. I mean, she's cute or whatever, a nice girl, but she's nothing compared to Lena.

I think Nora suspects something's going on with me towards Lena, too. She must see it in my eyes, see the way I look at Lena when I think no one is looking. But I always reassure her that Lena is only my best friend, and nothing more.

And that's the truth. We are just friends.

Nothing more than best friends.