Journey

“Damn it!” I heard that soft voice yell from down the hall and it made me chuckle. I glanced up from the book I was reading Sophie before I placed a gentle kiss to her head; she was almost asleep, her tiny body softly rising up and down.

I gently moved her onto Nick’s side of the bed, keeping the dim light on so I could carry her to her room when I got back. I could hear the sound of a racecar skidding to a stop downstairs and I knew Nathan was still playing the new videogame. He practically lived downstairs now that his room was under “construction” by Nick. Nathan had wanted his walls a darker blue and we had opted for new furniture as well. Nick promised to paint and move the furniture in when he was on break from promoting the album that was about to be released and, surprising, he had a few days off this week.

Saying I was proud would be an understatement.

I pulled my t-shirt down and tiptoed across the room, slipping out the door of my bedroom and into the dark hall. A few crashes came from the TV downstairs and I rolled my eyes before turning towards Nathan’s familiar bedroom and reminding myself that I would have to make sure he went to sleep soon. The bright light was on, only illuminating part of the hall through the crack of the door, and I could hear Nick groan in frustration while another curse word fell from his perfect lips. He never really said any bad words, but they slipped every now and then, especially when he felt stressed.

Pushing the door open slowly, I leaned against the frame and took in his actions. He stood above a black object with a large part of it in his hands. His head hung low as he examined his finger, slamming the painted wood object onto the other. I was surprised that it didn’t crash down with the force he put on it.

“Nick?” I mumbled, making him jump. He spun around and his chocolate eyes immediately met mine. His curls were messy from tugging on them as well as from the long length; he had tried to get a haircut countless times but I wouldn’t let him just yet. All he wanted to do was trim it, but I loved how thick his curls were. I sighed. “What are you doing? It’s past 9.”

“I’m trying to put this stupid desk together like you asked, but the freaking thing gave me a splinter, cut my hand, and I’m pretty sure I have wood burn.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his frustrated face, his plump bottom lip pouting out like it did whenever he was upset. He heaved a sigh and showed me his bleeding hand. I winced.

“Nick! How the heck did you cut your hand that bad?” I gasped, gripping his wrist to pull him closer. He shrugged innocently and lifted his other hand up to scratch his head.

“I’m just not good at this handyman stuff. Where is Joe when I need him?” he growled, pulling his hand away from me to give a shrug of his shoulders. I glanced around the room and quickly moved forward to grab a towel that sat next to one of the paint bucket.

“Since when is Joe any good at this stuff?” I mumbled, moving back over to him. I grabbed his hand and wiped the blood off gently, his warmth creating those all too familiar butterflies.

“He isn’t; he’s worse than I am. But I’d rather he get these stupid cuts than me,” he scoffed, that gorgeous smirk covering his lips. His eyes shone with amusement as I laughed lightly, my lips twitching into a smile.

“You’re really nice, you know that?” I asked sarcastically.

That was one thing that I had noticed gradually; I was different. Being married to Nick with two kids, and another on the way at such a young age made me realize that I had to open up. I was spending the rest of my life with this gorgeous man and he deserved to know the real me. Nick brought out the best in me. I was the new and improved Monroe Stone - well, Monroe Jonas.

I’d always love that.

“Thanks for noticing, babe,” he grinned, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. I smiled.

There was a sudden crash and I jumped, a melodic chuckle falling from Nick’s lips. Nick had to go and buy him that stupid game.

“Why’d you buy him such a loud game? I hate noise,” I muttered, balling up the towel and pulling back. He grabbed my hand, though, and laced his fingers with mine.

“It’s not that noisy.”

“That’s what you say, but you’re the one used to all the noise with instruments and screaming and everything.” This job was new for Nick, but I knew that he loved it. He loved having his music being put out there and having fans. He loved knowing that he was actually doing something with his life and, again, I didn’t know how to explain how proud I was of him.

“I’ve only played a few shows, Minnie Mouse,” he pointed out. He gave a soft chuckle and moved his other arm to wrap around me, urging me forward so I could rest my head on his shoulder. I did so eagerly and inhaled his scent, allowing my eyes to close while his fingers gently raked my hair out of the messy bun.

“I know,” I breathed, “but you’ll probably going on tour soon, right? Within the next year? I don’t know what you and Colin talk about.”

He was silent for a moment, but the silence wasn’t something that could go unnoticed. I had grown to know a lot about Nick and sense things; this was one of the moments where I wondered what exactly he was thinking. I slowly lifted my head and leaned back a little to glance at his face, not surprised to see that there weren’t really any emotions on his features.

His eyes roamed my face for what seemed like a long moment before he jerked his head a little bit, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Yeah,” he breathed with a light chuckle. I scrunched my face up in slight confusion and curiosity, but I didn’t question him. “Um, Colin and I don’t talk about much. We’re still settling on my music.”

I didn’t know exactly what that meant, but I took it with a nod and gave a soft smile. I looked down at my hands and began to twist my fingers together nervously, biting down on my bottom lip for a moment. Nick still got me nervous.

My mouth twitched a little with unspoken words and I didn’t quite know how to tell him what I felt the need to say, but when I looked up at him and I saw that his eyes were soft and unusually patient, I knew that I could just tell him.

“I’m really proud of you,” I whispered. I licked my lips and swallowed, leaving my eyes to watch his features slowly change. His gaze on me was now intense and it was almost as intimidating as it used to be. I could hear him let out a slow breath once he parted his lips and he tilted his head just a little, a small smile bringing up the corners of his mouth. “You’ve… you’ve done so much and, I know you probably don’t want to hear this because I’ll sound like your mother, but you’ve been so good, too. And…” I had to trail off for a moment and dart my eyes away from his because I started feeling emotional. It had to be the pregnancy. “I’m just – I don’t know. I’m just really proud of you.”

He seemed to wait patiently until my rambling was done and he even continued to stay silent after that, almost forcing me to look back up at him with burning cheeks just so I could attempt to see what he was thinking through his eyes.

“It’s all because of you,” was the whisper that came out of his mouth in return and it struck a chord with me. The tears began to cloud my vision until I blinked and allowed them to spill over, but the sheepish smile on my lips was a mixture of feelings. He gave me such a comforting look and slowly pulled me into him. “Everything that I can be proud of about myself is all because of you.”

“No, Nick–” I started, but he instantly cut me off with his own words my giving my waist a light squeeze.

“You know it’s true. I’m everything I am because of you.” I smiled into his chest when he said this but then let off a short laugh when I realized that the words rhymed.

“That’s not one of your songs, is it?” I lifted my head to see his mouth stretch into an adorable smile.

“No,” he chuckled, “but even if it was it’d be true; most of my songs are about you.”

“Stop rhyming,” I laughed again and that’s when he rolled his eyes and pulled me back into his chest. I felt his chin on the top of my head when he pulled me closer, moving as he spoke.

“Stop being difficult, Minnie Mouse.”

I couldn’t admit the fact that him calling me that had grown on me so much that sometimes I almost forget my name was actually Monroe.

“Is your hand still bleeding?” I mumbled against his neck and almost immediately he jerked back.

“Shit,” he hissed lowly, spinning me around before I could even say anything. “There’s blood all over your shirt.” It was my luck that I was wearing one of my own white t-shirts, too.

“What?” was my dumb response before I tried to peer over my shoulder to see the back of my shirt, but I could only see some of a rather large red spot from where his hand had rested. I sighed.

“I can get it out,” he offered almost sheepishly when he glanced up to see my face. I rolled my eyes.

“Do you want to do everything? I’m not incapable of getting blood out of my shirt.” He stared at me with raised eyebrows; I blushed. “Shut up,” I grumbled, but he only responded with his musical laugh.

“You’ll have to take the shirt off.”

“Why? You’re going to try and wash it now?” I glanced around the room to see that he was already in the middle of something. “You should finish the desk first.”

“Oh, I plan on it. I just thought taking your shirt off now would be more suitable.” I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes at him while a blush crept over my cheeks, noticing the way he was smirking with amusement.

“You have a perverted mind, you know that? And I’m pregnant on top of that.” I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted my weight, keeping my eye on him as he continued to smile and reach for the towel again.

“Only with you, baby. And, so? That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive.”

Let it be known that Nick is attracted to whales.

I didn’t say anything in return, only smiled a little at his words. I watched him throw the towel back down and, with a heavy sigh, pick up the object he had thrown down previously. I knew he had read the directions because Nick was just that way – always efficient. It was just a matter of patience and the fact that he hated not being able to get something at first try.

“Do you want me to help? I can come back up once I put Nathan to bed.” He glanced over his shoulder and studied me for a moment, debating the answer to my question in his head. He shrugged.

“You should get to bed yourself. Aren’t you going shopping with Clarissa tomorrow?”

Thanks for reminding me.

Clarissa had wanted to take me shopping as a payback for watching her and Joe’s twins the previous day. It seemed like more of a punishment to me, though. I didn’t feel like going shopping for clothes to wear to the anniversary party, but most of the suitable stuff I had was growing too small because of my belly. If I knew Cheryl wasn’t going and that I could get away with it I would just wear one of Nick’s sweatshirts, but Cheryl would be there and if I did wear that then I was sure to hear about it every day for years to come.

Going shopping was the lesser evil.

“I don’t want to go.” I didn’t mean for it to come out as somewhat of a whine, but I couldn’t help it. I could just imagine it; my feet would be killing me as we walked around the mall, I would be starving as we passed all the food, and trying on endless clothes (because it was always endless with Clarissa) while feeling like a cross between a whale and a cow; that was far less than appealing.

“It’ll be good for you,” he said, and I began to wonder whose side he was on. “Tomorrow’s Thursday,” he announced while he turned back around to start working again, “and you still don’t have something to wear for Friday?”

“We shouldn’t be having a party,” I tried. “We should just do something together… or we could do something with your mom and dad, if you wanted. But having all these people –”

“I know, Monroe. I’d just take you out to dinner or something, but my mom really wants this…”

“I know.” Thinking about this – being married for 6 year coming up – even with a smile made me get emotional again. “And you know Cheryl would want us to have some sort of party at some point.”

“Six years is a good place to start.” He turned around to give me one of his sometimes-rare sweet smiles, forcing those butterflies to flap around in my stomach. Our eyes stayed connected for a moment and I felt like a teenager again – except now I actually knew what love was and was so far into it that I could never go back.

I had to clear my throat to stop myself from staring at him any longer.

“I’ll, umm, come back up and help. Just let me out Nathan to bed.”

He gave a short nod as I backed up and started to turn back around, pausing to speak again. “Tell the kid I said goodnight and I love him and that I’ll see him tomorrow morning.”

I think Nick was always so worried that Nathan wouldn’t want to spend time with him anymore, not just because he was growing up but because Nick felt as if he were always busy. Nathan adored him though; he would always be excited to be with his daddy.

“You know, he expects you to take him out tomorrow after school… for ice-cream.” I couldn’t help but smile a little wider while I backed up towards the door, leaning myself against the frame for a moment to watch his smile – dimples and all – return.

“Yeah, and Soph wants to come, too.”

“She has dance,” I responded, and I knew she would whine about it as soon as Nick told her she couldn’t come with him and her brother after school.

“Have fun explaining that to her,” he chuckled. I scrunched my face up and turned away, making my way down the hallway and the stairs.

The TV was a little quieter but I could still hear the fast-paced music of the game. As I neared the TV I realized that Nathan was sitting up on the couch and that the game was on the menu screen. I set my palms on the back of the couch and peered over with my hair falling around me as I did so. My eyes settled on a sleeping Nathan, his body curled up against his pillow and fluffy blue blanket scrunched up at his waist. I noticed that the controller was still gripped in his hand loosely, part of it touching the floor while his arms slumped down off the couch. A faint smile spread over my lips before I even realized it and I slowly made my way around the couch. The remote sat on the coffee table so I immediately turned the TV off. The controller that was in his hand was pulled away and placed next to the remote before I began to pull the blanket higher over his thin body. He was rather small for a ten year old, thin, but he was growing taller gradually and he was looking more and more like Nick – especially from his younger years.

I tucked his arm underneath the blanket, pausing when he stirred for a moment, burying the side of his face farther into the pillow. I turned the lamp off next and then just knelt there for a moment, taking him in through the darkness. Watching him sleep was one for the things that could always comfort me. I contemplated waking him up so I could tell him what Nick had said because I knew he would become somewhat paranoid if I didn’t, but then, just looking at him sleeping so peacefully, I knew I couldn’t. He and Nick had this amazingly innocent look to them when they slept and it was almost enough to make me cry again.

Tonight was definitely one of those emotional nights for me. I didn’t remember it being this bad with the other pregnancies, but there was always a first for everything.

Leaning forward I allowed my fingers to run gently through his thick waves and curls, smiling admiringly at him. I couldn’t believe this little boy was my son; he was my miracle. He was the reason I had Nick, that’s what I believed. And he was the reason I became strong. He and Sophie were the best things in my life. I pressed my lips to his forehead and pulled the blanket up a little bit higher before I stood up straight again. I started making my way back up the stairs when I remembered that Sophie wasn’t asleep in her own bed. I had one more stop.

I popped my head into the dimly lit bedroom and saw that Sophie was exactly where I left her, her little lips making a slight O while her curls spread out around her head. Her little pajamas were warm but I knew she was still cold – she was always cold, just like me. I gave a sigh and made my way over to her, slowly and gently picking her up to hold against me. She wasn’t exactly a light sleeper so carrying her down the hallway wouldn’t even stir her. I peeked into Nathan’s room on my way to Sophie’s and spotted that Nick had successfully put together without any of my help and was now spreading more of the plastic out around the floor. I furrowed my eyebrows; he wasn’t going to continue painting this late, was he?

I carried her into her room and slid her under her covers, pulling them up tight around her just like I had done with Nathan. The light was off so I kissed her head before leaving, allowing her door to stay cracked open. I slipped back into Nathan’s room to see Nick already painting the wall again, his expression looking concentrated and serious.

“I was supposed to help you,” I pointed out and I was a little surprised to see him twitch at my voice, obviously not sensing my presence. He was usually very observant and it made me wonder – what was up?

“I know,” he shrugged, “but I figured it out. You should really get some sleep, Minnie Mouse.”

I gave him a slow nod even though he had already turned back around to focus on painting. I gave a light sigh and pushed myself away from the wall and towards where he stood. He glanced at me shortly before continuing to focus on the wall. He didn’t act as if anything were wrong, so maybe it was just me.

“I want to help,” I said quietly, gaining his attention. He stopped the movement of his brush to focus on me again, , his eyes roaming my still face. And then he smiled.

“No you don’t,” he chuckled, making me crack a smile of my own. “You just don’t want to go to bed by yourself.”

“No, I really do want to help.” Okay, maybe he was right.

He gave me a long look, complete with slightly raised eyebrows, and sighed almost playfully. “Alright…” He turned to the side and grabbed one of the roller brushes that held paint on it already and handed it to me.

I stared at the wall and wondered how Nick would get this whole room done within reasonable time. It wouldn’t take as long as I probably thought it would, but I was still wondering how this didn’t overwhelm him. I lifted the roller up but instead of push it against the wall I let it drop back down again, a sudden tiredness hitting me almost fully. I slouched over and rested my head on his shoulder, forcing his movements to become softer and then, slowly, halt.

“You should try to lift that; maybe the paint will get on the wall,” he whispered while pressing his lips to my head. I closed my eyes instead of rolling them and smiled at his sarcasm.

“I’m too tired.”

“You said you wanted to help, Minnie Mouse. Did you lie to me?” he whispered again, his voice a little lower, even softer.

“I’m sorry…” A yawn followed the end of my sentence and I could feel his chest vibrate with a silent laughter. His hand slowly pulled the brush out of mine and I opened one eye just in time to see him set it down with his own brush. I knew he was supposed to wash them off but he only put the lid back on the pain and then wrapped his arms around me.

“I told you to go to bed,” he murmured, but his lips were now against my forehead. He was always so warm. One thing I had also noticed was that I had gotten better at this affection thing. It had surprised me at first that he liked affection because, meeting him that first time those years ago, I never would have thought. But those times seemed a blur and now was all that counted; here and now.

I turned in his grasp and smiled against his chest, practically letting my body slump and counting on him to hold me up.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” I breathed the words against his chest.

“I’m home all day until I go to pick Nate and Sophie up.”

“I’ll probably be home before you leave…” I trailed off, but he quickly brushed my thought away.

“No, Monroe. You’ll take your time with Clarissa.”

Had Cheryl gotten Nick over to the dark side?

“Why? It’s not like I need some stupid dress –”

“Stop being a baby, Minnie Mouse.”

I let his comment slide and instead pulled back, rubbing at my eye with a sudden happiness that I didn’t have any makeup on at the moment.

“Let’s go to bed,” I practically demanded, and his smirk was back.

Before I even had time to understand what he was doing I felt my feet leaving the floor and I clung to him, afraid that I’d topple over. I let out a soft gasp when he moved my legs to wrap around his waist, carrying me so my front was facing him. I should’ve known by now that he wouldn’t drop me, but being pregnant made me even more paranoid. If I could get on a plane then I could let him carry me to the bedroom.

“Nick –” I began, but he instantly cut me off.

“You talk too much, Minnie Mouse.” The blush on my cheeks returned and when I began to open my mouth he silenced me again. But this time with a kiss.

“Nick…” I murmured out, but nothing else came from me.

“Shh,” was his response, and I immediately stopped any sort of want of talking and focused on the way his lips moved so slowly against mine again.

He continued to kiss me at a gentle, slow rate all the time he was carrying me towards our bedroom. He pecked my lips before gently sitting me on the bed. I couldn’t help but look at him in some sort if a daze, smiling sheepishly when he stared right back.

“Change your shirt?” he muttered, but it was really hard to concentrate on his words when his lips crept up and down my jaw.

“Uh…”

I could feel the growing smirk on his lips when he pressed them to my neck, leaving one gentle kiss there before pulling back. I blinked a few times and sat still, watching him move towards the dresser to pull something out – one of his shirts. I still wasn’t used to Nick wanting to take care of me, but he always would. He would do things for me that I could do myself; I think he wanted to show that he appreciated me and “all the things I do and have done for him.” He’s said that numerous times before and it always gives me that mushy feeling. That’s the way I was with Nick.

He handed me the shirt and moved towards the bathroom, most likely to wash his hands, while I began to pull my messy one off. I set it next to my thigh and pulled his t-shirt over my head biting my lip when I realized that it was a little shorter because of my bump. I normally didn’t sleep in my sweat pants, only shorts or regular pajama pants, but all my shorts were somehow at the bottom of the hamper and I felt too hot for pajamas even though it was a cool night.

My eyes darted up to Nick when he came out of the bathroom after switching the light off and I noticed that he had his shirt and pants already in his arms, leaving him in his boxers. Sometimes I swore he did it on purpose. It wasn’t like he had the mindset of telling himself that he looked incredibly gorgeous, because he actually had sort of a low self-esteem, but it was just the fact that my actions told him so. This time, though, I could tell he wasn’t even aware that I was practically drooling over him.

Something was on his mind.

I snapped myself away from staring at him to see that he automatically put his clothes in the hamper, making me smile. I rarely had to pick up after him and when I did I knew he hated it. He’d always tell me that he was going to get to it, but I didn’t mind so much. It was another proud moment.

“Why are you laughing at me?” I hadn’t realized I was until he questioned me, his eyebrow raised and his lips twitched up with amusement. I blushed.

“I was just…” I paused with a smile and shook my head. “You put your clothes in the hamper.”

He stared at me for a moment and I could see that he almost wanted to laugh, but he smiled a little wider instead.

“See? I’m a good boy.”

“Yeah?” I laughed again.

He gave a short nod, his curls swaying, and then he crawled onto the bed next to me. With one arm across my front to settle by my thigh and the other gently pushing on my side to urge me backwards, I locked my eyes with his and held my breath.

“Mhm,” he hummed lowly with his lips just inches from mine. My cheeks were burning again. “So does this good boy get a reward?”

And the butterflies were back.

I cleared my throat nervously and leaned back like he wanted, resting myself on my elbows the best I could. “Umm…. No?” I practically squeaked out, biting my lip when his lips parted.

“No?” He feigned surprise and scrunched up his face a little. “Well, damn.”

“Nick!” I laughed again with my head tilted back and my eyes shut, unable to control my fits of giggles.

“Here I am, being good, and I get nothing. Minnie Mouse, you kill me.” I moved my head back forward and opened one eye to see him shaking his head at me, causing me to bite back more laughter.

“Well? I’m pregnant.”

“Excuses, excuses…” He gave a huff and shook paused, taking another look at me before shaking his head again and beginning to slide back. I couldn’t contain my laughter any longer.

I did, however, calm down enough to see that he was practically sulking over towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to paint some more… do good things, you know. And not get rewarded for them.” He turned towards me once he reached the door and crossed his arms, practically forcing my eyes down to his muscles for an uncontrollable second.

I raised my eyebrows. “You’re going to go paint in your boxers?”

He gave a shrug of his shoulders in a nonchalant manner and pouted out his bottom lip a little. “Sure.”

“Nick,” I giggled a little despite how annoying I thought giggling was, “come on. I’m tired.”

“Then go to bed.” He said it as if it was so obvious, but he didn’t realize that it was pretty much impossible to go to sleep without him beside me.

“You know that I can’t…” I gave a light sigh and bit my lip again, spreading my hand out across the bed to pat the spot next to me. I didn’t exactly want to tell him that because telling Nick certain things still made me get embarrassed, but he knew by my actions that I needed him by my side. It was sort of obvious.

He eyed me and then shut the door behind him, leaving his spot to come forward and climb onto the bed. I smiled in the darkness and began to scoot back so I could crawl up towards my pillow, but his hands on my hips stopped me. Before I could even open my mouth he was already pulling my sweatpants down, making me squirm and reach for them.

“Nick!” I hissed. He tried to suppress his laughter but I heard that adorable sound come through anyway. “What’re you… what’re you doing?” He managed to get my pants off even though I was squirming. He balled them up and threw them across his shoulder and towards the hamper, the article of clothing going in with ease.

“You don’t sleep in sweatpants, Minnie Mouse.”

He always knew.

I took a deep breath and tugged at the shirt in hopes to pull it a little farther down my thighs, grateful that it at least covered my underwear. He glanced down towards my movements and immediately gripped my wrists and pulled them away, causing the shirt to rise back up.

“Nick–”

My breath caught when he bent his head farther down and pressed his lips to my bare thigh. He lingered there for a moment, his hands still locked around my wrists, and then he started to trail soft kisses upwards. I could’ve started hyperventilating if he didn’t stop; only making Goosebumps show up instead. He released my wrists but immediately replaced them with my shirt and began to slowly slide it up.

“Nick, n-no–” Voicing the no was a weak attempt, especially considering the fact that he didn’t listen. His lips were now pressed against my bare tummy, making my insides lurch and my chest tighten. “Nick…” I tried to warn again, but the shirt kept going up and his lips followed against my skin.

“You know,” he breathed lowly, “you really don’t need this on.” I realized that he was referring to my bra when he fingers pressed against my back and began to toy with the fabric close to the clasps.

“Nicholas!” I tried to make my voice sound scolding, but it came out as a breathy and shocked whisper instead. “What happened to you being good?”

“Hmm?” he murmured, indicating that he wasn’t really listening to me and was more focused and kissing around my collarbone and playing with my bra from underneath the shirt.

“You’re being–” I had to stop to clear my throat and to try and keep myself upright when he spread his lips and pressed them more firmly against my skin. “Being bad.”

“Being bad is my specialty,” was his low reply.

It was hard holding my breath instead of gasping for air like I wanted to. His lips continued to roam, but this time back down though his hands continued to hold the shirt up high while he left the clasps of the bra alone. Once he got down to my stomach he lingered, leaving his lips pressed to the bump for a long moment. It was almost enough to allow my heart to calm. When he glanced back up, his smirk in place, he gave me a wink and allowed my shirt to fall back down. I’m sure my eyes were wide and that my cheeks were red, and he definitely surprised me when he pressed his lips to mine.

“Goodnight.”

Goodnight. And he calls me the tease.

He slid up the bed and pulled me with him, twisting me gently so that I was facing him when he laid the both of us down. He managed to move the covers over both of us and wrap his arms around me, leaving me a little ways from his chest so he could look down at me. I was still in my little daze.

It was a little early for us to be going to bed, but I was tired and I knew he probably was, too. Tomorrow was another day off for him but I had to ride with Clarissa to the mall to shop for Friday. It was still dreaded.

I noticed that he closed his eyes after holding my gaze, slowly leaned his head towards mine until his lips met my forehead.

“I love you,” he murmured, and my own eyes drooped shut.

“I love you, too.”

[J O U R N E Y]

My mind was officially trained to get me up at 5am, no matter the reason. Whether it be to get Nate and Sophie ready for school (which it most always was), to make sure Nick was up for work, to get my own self ready for work, or because we had something important to do on the weekend – 5 o’clock seemed to be the go-to time. And I hated it. I wanted more sleep, but I had responsibilities and once I got going I knew they weren’t so bad.

If only I could think that as soon as I woke up.

I opened my eyes slowly and tried to keep them open once they settled on the clock on my nightstand. I didn’t move one inch, though, especially not when I felt Nick’s arm draped around my waist. He was such a peaceful and adorable sleeper and I knew that if I turned around before I sat up then I would surely just want to cuddle against him.

That was our thing now; cuddling.

I smiled.

I wanted to allow my eyes to close again but I knew that I had to get up. When I started to move a little I felt Nick’s arm tighten around me and he grunted, obviously knowing that I would be leaving the bed while he was still half-asleep.

But I knew he was mostly awake.

“Nick,” I whispered, slowly turning my head to see that his face was buried into his pillow with his curls in disarray. “I have to get up.”

He mumbled something that I didn’t understand, but I was pretty sure it was a “no.”

“I have to get up.” I was wondering if he was ignoring me, but then he slowly turned his head to rest his cheek on the pillow and gaze at me. “Nathan and Sophie have school.”

“I know,” he sighed, leaving his arm to linger on me before he began to pull it away. His eyes were already dropping shut again and I smiled. “I’ll, um, I’ll get up. You stay.”

I loved his groggy morning voice.

“No, that’s okay. It’s your day off. I got this.”

“No,” he argued, his eyes still closed. “I’ll do it. This can be your day off…. Just go back to sleep.” He finally opened his eyes again, slowly, and started to make an attempt to move, but I quickly stopped him by putting my hand on his chest – he was warm.

“I can’t go back to sleep if you get up and you’re really tired, so you go back to sleep. I have to get ready to go with Clarissa, anyway.”

He heaved a heavy sigh but didn’t hesitate to nod, turning a little bit so he was resting on his stomach instead of his side. Before he pressed his face back into the covered, though, with his covers twisting against him, he held his hand up and motioned me towards him. I laughed because he was too lazy to move, but smiled because of how adorable he was, and I did what he wanted. With my face down by his he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mind, giving me a tender kiss.

“Love you,” he crooned against my lips, and I instantly smiled a little brighter.

I loved how he said that instead of ‘good morning.’

“I love you.”

He gave me a lazy smile while his eyes were closed and dropped his head back onto the pillow; I knew he’d be bout within a couple of seconds. So, I sat there because I knew he wanted me to until he fell asleep without having him tell me to, and I watched his peaceful features. It took a lot in me to tear my gaze away from him and eventually look at the clock, but I did and realized that I had to get going. As soon as my legs slipped out from under the covers I practically jumped back underneath them, only realizing after the cold air hit that I was pant-less due to Nick. I practically ran on my tiptoes towards the hamper to grab my sweatpants from the day before and slide into them. I also grabbed Nick’s sweatshirt, which lay folded on the edge of the hamper, and slid it over my head with his immediate scent washing over me. I continued to tiptoe towards the door in the dark room, lucky that I was wearing socks, and then closed it shut gently behind me so I didn’t disturb Nick.

I knew that getting Sophie up first would be best because she always took longer than Nathan to get ready. She was a lot like Nick when it came to not being a morning person. I really wasn’t, not by any means, but I handled it a lot better than those two – Nathan took after me on that part. I made way down the dark hallway and pushed passed her door, slowly moving over to turn on the lamp next to her bed. I wasn’t sure if she had turned at all during the night because she was in the same position I had put her in, causing me to smile again.

“Sophie,” I whispered. I brushed my fingers against her forehead to push her hair back, but she barely even twitched. “Sophie, wake up.”

I heard her whine before she started to turn over, but I held her in place before she could.

“Come on, baby. Wake up.”

“Mommy,” she whined again, but this time her eyes were open and her little lips were pouted out.

“Come on. Time to get ready for school.”

She gave me that pouty look and lifted her head up a little, holding out her small arms towards me. I lifted her up and placed another kiss to her head, carrying her over to her closet.

“Come on,” I repeated again. “Let’s get you something to wear.”

“Mommy,” she whined again while she put her finger into her mouth and watched me open her closet doors. “I don’t wanna go.”

“Why not?” I took a quick glance at her before lifting my arm that wasn’t holding her with so I could pull at the clothes hanging up. She and Nathan were pretty spoiled thanks to Cheryl and Rodney, Nick’s parents, and Nick himself. He would buy them pretty much anything they wanted if they asked him, but he wasn’t a pushover and Nathan and Sophie definitely knew he was the boss. They also liked to listen to me, which I was thankful for.

She didn’t really answer my question, more like repeat herself instead, so I didn’t know what to say exactly. I grabbed one of her shirts and pants off their hangers and set her on her feet, staring down into her wide eyes.

“Sophie, why don’t you want to go?”

She glanced down at her feet and shrugged her little shoulders. “I don’t like it.”

“You’re in kindergarten; how could you not like it?” Kindergarten was the only grade I had no trouble with. When I realized that she had no answer I sighed and held her clothes out to her. “Can you get dressed while I go get your brother up? I’ll make you some toast, okay?”

“Peanut butter?” she questioned quietly, her sweet little face lifting a little. I smiled.

“Peanut butter.”

She took the clothes from me and bounced back over to her bed, immediately beginning to tear off her night clothes. I shook my head and exited the room so she could change, knowing that Nathan would have no problem getting up. His dresser was now in the garage, though, so I’d have to ask if he wanted me to get him his clothes.

The more I thought about the party tomorrow, the more I became nervous. I just wanted to spend my time with Nick on our anniversary; it wasn’t like I objected to this party, because I thought it was a really nice idea, I just wasn’t comfortable around so many people. Denise and Kevin Sr. and Frankie were coming to us just for this and Cheryl was allowing (more like forcing) the party to be at her and Rodney’s rather large place so Nick and I wouldn’t have to clean up the mess afterwards at our own house. Everyone was thinking of us without actually thinking of us, if I could say that.

But I guess six years is a big deal.

I was a little surprised, to be honest, that there wasn’t a huge party the first year, or the second or the third, that we were married. Five even seemed like a good number, but apparently six was the one.

I switched the light on by the couch and peered down at the blanket-covered Nathan. The front of his body was curled up against the back of the couch and looking down towards his stomach I noticed that Tilly laid curled up against him. She was such a sweet little dog and she was completely attached to Nathan. She slept in his bed with him so it wasn’t really a surprise that she would sleep on the couch with him, too.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and gave a gentle squeeze, moving one hand up to settle in his soft hair. His body stretched out a little and he slowly turned his head, squinting his eyes when the light came into view. He glanced at me with half-closed eyes and parted lips with his thin eyebrows scrunching together in confusion, and I smiled softly.

“It’s time to get ready for school, bud.”

It seemed like Nathan had many names; Nathaniel, Nathan, Nate. I called him bud and Nick called him kid. Some of the parents at his school liked to call him ‘the musician’s son’ because they didn’t exactly like the way we raised him – in the home of a rising “rockstar.” They didn’t know Nick or myself, but they liked to think they did. They liked to gossip, too, especially about Cheryl. But a lot of the boys on Nathan’s soccer team liked him and that was all that mattered.

“Okay,” he sighed. He blinked a few times and then yawned when he began to sit up, his actions causing Tilly to jump up and lean towards the edge of the couch. She darted her head around and then settled down once she saw that I was kneeling down towards them, and then she started rubbing her head against my hand. “What time is it?”

“After five.” He knew that he always got up around this time, but it was a habit to ask. I thought a lot about how maybe waking them up this early wasn’t necessary, but somehow we always seemed to rush out the door with barely any time to spare anyway. “Do you want me to go get your clothes out of the garage?” He didn’t hesitate to answer.

“No, that’s okay, mom. I’ll go get it.”

I gave him a nod and kissed his head before standing and beginning to make my way over to the kitchen. I flipped the light on but glanced back to see Nathan slowly trudging after me with Tilly in tow to get to the garage through the kitchen. Watching him while I moved towards the sink to wash my hands, I realized that I was 25 years old; newly 25 years old, but 25 all the same. I felt… old. I had two young kids and a baby on the way, but I felt old. I frowned to myself and wiped off my hands, but I decided not to think about it too much for right now and focus on making toast instead.

The time in the morning always went by fast. Nathan and Sophie were both dressed and fed and although Nathan could brush his teeth by himself I still had to help Sophie. I could remember when Nathan was around her age and I was telling myself that he’d have to do things on his own at some point; now that he was it was hard for me to grasp. But Sophie was in that place now and I was telling myself the same thing again. I just didn’t want them to grow up.

Sophie was a little more difficult than Nathan, though. She wanted to play with the running water rather than allow me to brush her teeth.

“Sophie, stay still,” I tried, but she seemed to find the water mesmerizing as if she had never seen it before. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Stop it, Sophie.” She was reaching for the water now and I had to lower the force of it so it didn’t splash off her hands and get all over her clothes. She gave a giggle and leaned forward on the stool she loved standing on, but I pulled her back against me and began to brush her teeth again. I noticed her little hands stretching out and pulling on the faucet until the water was running on high and then, before I could scold her, she put her hands under and flung them up. Not only did water splash me and the sink, but a nice wet spot made its way onto her shirt.

Great.

“Sophie–”

“Sophia Emily,” that groggy voice said, but the tone was stern and definitely got her attention. The two of us looked over towards the open door at the same time to see Nick standing there, a shirt on with a pair of jeans, and his arms crossed over his chest. Sophie instantly stood still. “You listen to your mommy and stop playing with that water.”

“Okay, daddy,” she practically whispered, but he knew better than to give into the little pout that he, himself, had taught her. “I’m sorry, momma,” she said once she turned around to look at me and I noticed that toothpaste was dribbling off her chin.

“It’s alright,” I nodded, using my finger to wipe off the dribble. “But rise your mouth out and get downstairs.” She nodded obediently and immediately began to do what I told her, leaving me to push past Nick with a shake of my head and a smile on my lips.

He raised his eyebrows before I turned around and I knew he was following me down the stairs.

“I never pictured you as the disciplinary type,” I said, and I knew he was smiling at least a little.

“It’s because I’m so intimidating.” I could hear the smirk in his voice without even looking at him, but I turned my head anyway and knew that he was mocking me.

I rolled my eyes and was ready to just keep walking but I felt his arms snake around me and pull me back instead, obviously having different plans. He clasped his hands together and rested them easily on my belly, nuzzling his face into my neck and forcing me to regain my breath.

“Nick…”

“Monroe…” he imitated. I bit my lip when he placed a kiss to my neck, pausing just to hold my back to his chest.

“I have to make sure that Nate checked–”

“You know he’s good about that.” Of course I knew; Nick was right. I just worried about him.

“I have to get dressed! I’m not even dressed or anything… I have to take them to school.” What had I been doing this whole time? We barely had 5 minutes before we had to get going when I had gotten them up early enough.

“Don’t worry about it,” he breathed calmly and I instantly calmed down. “I’ll take them.”

“A-are you sure?” My chest was tightening again when his lips spread into a gentle smile against my skin, still teasing.

“Yeah,” he whispered, “and then I can help you get ready when I come back.”

Now I was confused.

“What do you mean?” I twisted in his arms before he could torture my neck anymore and glanced at his calm features, unable to know what he was thinking.

But, with a serious face and a low voice, he said, “Shower.”

Often times one word from Nick held a different meaning; this was an example.

“Nick!” I practically gasped with my eyes widening and my cheeks setting fire. His eyes immediately lit up with amusement and he gave me his irresistible grin.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” he chuckled, but I was a little reluctant to believe that – and my look told him so. “Okay, so I’m only kidding since you rejected the idea.”

A breath escaped my lips before I could hold it in and I shrunk back with embarrassment, but still managing to hold onto his waist.

“I didn’t reject the idea…” What was I saying? My eyes widene3d again and my lips parted when I saw his eyebrows rise in that “oh really?” way.

Still, after all these years, I could make a fool of myself in an instant.

He opened his mouth to say something but his eyes adverted past me instead, causing me to look back, too.

“Hey, I’m taking you to school today,” Nick announced and the way Nathan’s face lit up was heartwarming.

“Really?” he practically squeaked out. Nick smiled.

“Really, kid. Go wait in the car.”

He nodded obediently and, with his backpack swung over his shoulder, began to run towards the door. But he stopped his movements and backtracked, throwing his arms around my back for a hug. I knew he always said goodbye to me in the morning but seeing this made me feel that unusual giddy feeling that came along with being a parent.

Nick released me with a smile so I could turn around and hug Nathan in return, receiving a kiss on my cheek from his little lips before I could give one to him.

“I love you, mommy.”

“I love you too, bud. See you when you get home.”

He nodded at me enthusiastically and then gave me a bright smile, running back over towards the door and then out of it to jump in the car. To say I was a little surprised by his outburst was sort of an understatement. Slowly turning back around to face Nick I was also surprised to see that he looked… guilty. Before I could even say anything he started speaking and I noticed that his playful tone wasn’t present anymore.

“He only acts that way because I don’t see him enough.”

And here we were again.

I let out a heavy sigh and stepped towards him again, wrapping my arms around him in such a loving way that even it made me sick, but the way he looked down at me made it worth it.

“He only acts that way because he loves you… more than anything.” Nick had to know that was true.

He pursed his lips and searched my eyes for what seemed like extremely long seconds, making my knees grow weak. But then he gave me a nod of acceptance and bent stretched his neck forward to place his lips on mine, making my shoulders drop with contentment.

“I love you, Monroe.” And I knew he was being serious by the way he used my name.

“I love you too, Nick.”

He pulled away from me and made his way towards the door, grabbing the keys off the table before giving me a smile and calling towards the stairs.

“Sophie, get down here now!”

And somehow I was proud to call these our ‘normal days.’

Just ex out the shopping and I’d be fine.

[J O U R N E Y]

“Clarissa, I’m really sorry I’m late.”

I slammed the car door behind me and made sure that I hit the lock button on my key more than once before taking the steps towards where she sat on the bench in front of the mall. She gave me her perfect bright smile and shrugged, standing to reveal how incredible she looked in her burgundy vest-shirt and jeans. I would growl at her if I could because of how good she looked. I hate to wear one of my tank-tops under one of Nick’s button up shirts because nothing seemed to fit well enough; I was surprised I was able to get my jeans on, but luckily they were low-rise.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, Monroe,” she said with a slight laugh. I stepped up onto the curb and gave her a half smile in return, slowly reaching up to pull my sunglasses off. “I’m just a little curious as to why.” She gave her eyebrows a quirk and turned her bright smile into a more mischievous one, making me change my own expression to hold confusion.

“What do you mean?”

I slid my purse back up onto my shoulder after putting my keys inside once we began to walk towards the entrance of the mall, and she continued talking as soon as we went in.

“What made you late?” She gave a shrug of her shoulders as if it were no big deal and switched her purse to her other shoulder, something I noticed she did a lot of. Like Joe, she could barely sit or stand still.

“Um,” I shrugged, too, but I cleared my throat instead of messing with my purse. “It was just my shower…

“Why would a shower make you 15 minutes late?” She glanced over at me as we walked side by side at a slow pace and I licked my lips.

I gave her my best “what?” look before switching my gaze to all the signs above the stores we were passing. I wasn’t quite sure where she would want to take me. And I hoped we steered clear of the food court because I was starving.

“I don’t know,” she went on. I followed her when she turned towards another direction of the mall, obviously heading towards the much larger store at the end. Great. “I mean, isn’t it Nick’s day off?”

“Yeah… and?”

“Oh,” she chuckled, “I don’t know. Long shower… Nick being home…”

It didn’t even take me a second to realize what she was saying and I immediately blushed.

“Clarissa, I can’t believe what you’re saying.” Saying I was embarrassed was an understatement. But, just like Nick, she laughed at my embarrassment.

“What?” she giggled and stepped to the side of me once we entered the store. The soft music in the background was immediately heard and already I was annoyed by it. “I’m just saying….”

“I know what you’re saying,” I hissed, and I gave her arm a light slap. She giggled again.

“Well?”

“Well, what?” I took my eyes away from her so I could lower my embarrassment and focus on all the pretty dinnerware we were passing. “It was just a shower.”

Smooth one.

“Oh, Monroe. I’ve known you for years… you’re a terrible liar,” she giggled again, and I was pretty sure my whole face was a rosy color.

“I’m not lying!” I made sure to keep my voice a whisper, especially when we passed by the nosy ladies at the jewelry counter. “I don’t even know what you’re trying to get at now.”

“I’m just saying, Monroe–” she began. For a moment I thought she was too distracted by passing the make-up counters to finish, but to no avail… “You took a shower that made you 15 minutes late while Nick was home; what should I believe?”

“Why are we even talking about this?” Her eyes widened and her lips stretched into a smile, and that giggle sounded again. I huffed.

“So you DID, didn’t you?”

“Did what?” I knew what she was talking about and she was right – I was a terrible liar. I bit my lip.

“You and Nick–” she practically blurted, but I Instantly shushed her. “… in the shower,” was her finished whispered reply.

“No!”

“God, Monroe. Stop denying it… it’s okay, really.” I just wanted to tell her to stop giggling, but she kept talking on our way towards the clothing department of the store. “I mean, I sort of figured anyway. You give Nick whatever he wants.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

I followed her towards the maternity area that I immediately hated, even thinking about running off before she could catch me, but that wasn’t really a wise thing to do for a pregnant woman. Or whale, whatever.

“I do not give him whatever he wants.” She didn’t even seem fazed by my reply.

“Oh, yes you do!” she practically shouted at me. I even noticed a few ladies looking in our direction and whispering. I was used to it by now, though, so I ignored them and continue on with arguing.

“No, I don’t. What makes you think that? Especially when it comes to…” I was too much of a wimp to even say it and I was already blushing again.

“Please, Monroe. I know you and Nick by now. You don’t like upsetting him and the two of you will do anything for each other.” What did this have to do with her embarrassing accusations? “And, besides,” she sighed, gripping a few dresses that hung on the rack in front of her. “Nick is like a little boy with his favorite toy; he gets upset when he can’t play with you.”

“Oh my god, Clarissa. You didn’t just say that!” I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. What was she, the second Cheryl now? She was never this bad as my step-mom; that was an odd thought, but it was true. She was my friend and she was getting up towards Cheryl-status. “Why are we even talking about this?” Again, she was unfazed. She even continued to look at the clothes and act as if she hadn’t just embarrassed me internally.

“I don’t know.” I could tell she was trying to hold back another laugh. “It’s okay that you were late because you had a long shower.” She gave me a wink; as if that made it better.

“Okay, can we not talk about this?” I clutched my purse tighter against me and pushed up the sleeves of Nick’s button-up shirt higher on my arms, glad that I decided to leave it unbuttoned. “My…” I struggled for a moment, “personal life doesn’t need to be discussed with people around.” And as if to prove my point I saw the same ladies staring. Maybe it was my hormones, but them eyeing me definitely began to tick me off.

“Sure, sure,” she grinned. She definitely picked that up from Joe. “We’re off the topic.”

I sighed and thanked her while she moved from the rack towards another area, rummaging the clothes there instead.

“What exactly are we here for, anyway?” I knew she was shopping for me. I was the one who’d be wearing a tent soon.

“You need some new clothes.”

I think I was only now realizing that I still had some from being pregnant with Sophie tucked away somewhere. I just needed to find them. I knew Clarissa, though, and she’d insist I buy new things.

“What about this?” Her voice brought me out of my thoughts. “You like this?” She held up something for me to see and all I could recognize it as was a shorter-than-short tube top.

“What the heck is that?” My voice was a little harsher than I wanted, but she paid no mind to it and smiled a little brighter, shaking the skimpy fabric in her hands.

“It’s a bandeu, silly.”

“A what? I’m not wearing that when I’m pregnant.”

She laughed. “You wouldn’t wear it even if you weren’t.” She had a point.

“It… you’re not even looking at clothes! I don’t need any more lingerie.”

“Nick begs to differ.”

I sent her a glare and stepped forward to pull the fabric out of her hands and throw it to the table as if it were burning me. She laughed again.

“Okay, okay… no lingerie. Here – let’s look at these.” I glanced to where she was pointing at and let out a little sigh of relief, glad to see something that looked comfortable. “What about… this!” She pulled a gray shirt from the rack and held it up. I noticed that it was comfortable looking and kind of cute with the way lace took over the sleeves. I still didn’t like shopping, though.

“It’s cute–” She slung it over her arm before I could even finish. I guess I was getting it.

It took us a little while to move through all the clothes and it took even longer for me to convince Clarissa that I didn’t need everything in sight, especially since this was mostly Nick’s money. One of my favorite items, surprisingly, was a pale yellow baby doll-like shirt. There were ruffles at the top with buttons and the straps were very thin, but the length and the way it flowed at the bottom made up for it. Clarissa said that I had to wear that and a pair of the leggings home for Nick to see because I “never showed off my style sense.” I wasn’t aware that I had one. She was making such a big deal out of it; I wasn’t going to wear it home.

I was hoping that we could go get something to eat since I was starting to feel even more irritable, but she remembered her purpose for coming (unfortunately) and began to her search for a dress for me to wear during tomorrow. She asked me if there was a preferred color and I announced that my favorite color was still blue. It was a mistake to do. She searched for dresses that held all kinds of blue and shoved them at me to look at since I wouldn’t try any on unless I was sure I wanted it. She pouted, of course, but I stood my ground. Nick would be proud.

“This?” She held up a dark blue dress that looked sort of long and I immediately scrunched up my face. She giggled. “Okay, I guess not…” She hung the dress back up and searched of another one, barely leaving me time to see the ones she was passing up. But one caught my eye.

“Hey, wait – what about that?” I stepped forward and pushed back some of the clothes to find the one I had seen, easily pulling the hanging dress out for her to see and so I could get a better look at it, too.

The top of the dress was black and it had a scoop neck, surprising me by the way it wasn’t so low-cut like all the others. The sleeves were long enough and a little loose, and then the middle held a belt that had some blue on it. Go figure. I turned the dress to look down at the bottom and although I wasn’t a big fan of animal print, I sort of liked the white skirt part of it and the zebra stripes. It was odd, but it was sort of cute. I glanced up at Clarissa and shrugged.

“Well, Monroe… you are growing up. This is adorable!” she practically squealed. I was a little shocked.

“You think?” I spun the dress around again and touched my fingers to the fabric, not quite sure how much of a cow it would make me look.

“Go try it on!” She urged, but I wasn’t too sure still. I was ready to say something but my ringtone quickly cut me off, urging me to get to it immediately. Clarissa took the dress from my hands to examine it more closely while I reached for my phone. I had a new message.

I was going to call… didn’t want to bother you. Having fun? :P Miss you already. Love you.

Reading those words and then Nick’s name after it made me smile instantly. It really was pathetic how much I missed him.

Wish you would. Fun? Understatement… I miss you. Love you.

I didn’t even realize that Clarissa was standing in front of me with a smirk while I happily typed away at my phone, so when I looked up I felt like a little kid getting caught.

“Can’t even go two hours without talking to him?”

I couldn’t ask her how she knew it was him because I’m pretty sure my gigantic smile gave it away. So I blushed instead.

“Well…” I had no words.

She shook her hand and smiled away, forcing the dress back into my grasp and pointing her finger towards the dressing-room. I sighed but did as she said, slowly trudging towards it with her in tow. I glanced at her, ready to say something, but – like always – I was interrupted. We stopped in out tracks when the women who had been staring approached us, smiling slightly. It made me uneasy.

“You’re Monroe, aren’t you?”

And who are you?

“Umm… yeah?” I wasn’t good with strangers still, especially ones who were eying me in such a way that made me feel like they were judging me.

“I thought I recognized you,” one of the women said. I took that moment to eye here myself. She was rather tall and thin and she had long red hair. Her lips were red, too, and she was wearing a sweater over her shoulders. She looked like she could be one of my mother’s snobby friends. I glanced back up to meet her eyes. “I’m Patty… you probably don’t remember me since you don’t come around the PTA meetings often.”

Now that she mentioned it, I did recognize her. She was one of the ladies who liked to make up rumors about me and Nick.

“Oh, right.” I gave a nervous laugh and tried my best to smile, but their scrutinizing gaze made me feel feeble. “Umm, how are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” she practically chirped. “I’ve been hearing a lot about your boyfriend lately.”

“My husband,” I corrected. “Nick is my husband.”

“Oh!” She gave a smile that was supposed to be apologetic, but laughed it off. “I’m sorry. Your husband. You know, he hadn’t been around either. Don’t you think Nathaniel could use a parent conference?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Nathan’s doing fine in school and Nick’s been busy, too–”

“Ever the musician.” She gave a forced laugh and eyed Clarissa for a moment, smiling more genuinely at her. “And it’s nice to see you, Clarissa. I remember you.”

I watched Clarissa give them her bright smile and proceed to show no emotion, which I was both relieved and unthankful for. Patty’s attention was now redirected at me.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were expecting… again!” She gave another grin and clapped her hands, giving her head a tilt without her eyes ever leaving mine. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” I tried to give her a sincere smile despite my burning cheeks and clutched the dress to me a little tighter while holding my phone.

“So, Nick is supposed to be doing something with this music of his?”

“Umm… yeah…” What was that supposed to mean?

“Oh, well, I guess I should leave you and your friend. Tell your boyfriend–” She paused and flickered her eyes down to my stomach and then back up to my face. “I mean husband. Tell him I said hello.”

I gave her a timid nod and looked down at my feet while her and her friend scampered away, obviously whispering about me. It felt just like high school again, like all the kids were whispering about me being pregnant as a teenager. Only this time they were grown woman that disliked my family and the way we were raising Nathan and Sophie that were snickering about my pregnancy. I was a grown woman; I could take this. It was just easier said than done.

“Hey,” Clarissa spoke softly, catching my attention. I looked up to meet her wide blue eyes. “What’s the matter with them?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, and I really didn’t. “They like making up rumors and thinking I’m some sort of whore, I guess.” I could see her flinch but the word didn’t even faze me anymore.

“Oh, Monroe…” I could tell that she wanted nothing more than to comfort me right now, but I didn’t need it. I didn’t need to think about them.

“I don’t care, though. They don’t matter.”

She eyes me for a long moment before nodding her head and giving me a weak smile, allowing me to finally enter the dressing room like I had intended. I dropped my back to the little seat once the door was shut and started to put my phone down when the ringtone sounded again. I immediately opened the message, smiling a little because it was a reply from Nick.

I’ll see you soon. Have some real fun. Keep a smile on that pretty face, Minnie Mouse.

Somehow he seemed to know and, thanks to him, another real smile made its appearance.

I just wanted to get something to eat.

[J O U R N E Y]

“Sophie, are you dressed yet?” I had to call out to her from my room because I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to wear the dress. It was pretty casual and pretty, but I didn’t look right. When I had finally gotten home yesterday and I had actually worn what Clarissa told me to, Nick kept telling me I looked beautiful. I blushed, of course. I always would.

I didn’t hear an answer from her so I sighed and knew that I’d have to go check. But when I turned around I saw Nick entering the room, practically freezing in his steps. He was just staring at me – or the dress – and I hated not being able to read him.

“I look weird, don’t I?” I heaved a sigh and dropped my arms before he could even answer, ready to pull the dress off and mess up my hair. Nick stepped closer.

“No, you look… great.”

I turned to face him and scrunched up my face, allowing my hair to fall around me. “Stop acting like you’re in awe or something. I don’t look great.”

“You do,” he protested. I could actually see the honesty in his eyes. “I just hardly ever get to see you in a dress. You look… amazing.”

I locked my eyes with his for a long moment and pursed my lips. “Shut up.”

He gave his musical laugh and that beautiful smile, not even hesitating to step forward and press his lips to mine. “You and Sophie need to hurry up,” he murmured, pressing his lips to mine a second time.

“Will you go check on her? I’ll be down in a minuet.”

“Sure,” he mumbled, and I had to smile when he kissed me again. “I love you.”

He was turning me into a lovesick idiot. Somehow I loved it.

“Love you,” I whispered back. He started to pull away but then hesitated for a moment, his eyes becoming a little darker. I waited for him.

“Six years, Minnie Mouse.” I laughed a little because he looked unusually nervous.

“You said that first thing this morning.” He gave a soft grin and nodded with his curls flopping slightly.

“I know, I just…” For some reason it was uncomfortable for Nick to say ‘Happy Anniversary.’ It wasn’t anything new, though, and I really didn’t mind. His own way of saying it was just as special.

I knew he wasn’t going to finish whatever he wanted to say, prompting me to kiss his cheek instead. He gave me a soft smile before turning away and disappearing again, but not before he grabbed his favorite leather jacket. I shook my head and looked back towards the mirror. I guess this was good enough.

I grabbed my bag and my jacket and headed for the door, closing it once I entered the hallway. I could hear Nick mumbling from Sophie’s bedroom and I stopped to listen, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

“Put your shoes on, Sophie. Don’t be difficult.”

I could also hear her whiny, “Noooo, Daddy!”

“Sophie, please. Put your shoes on.”

“You didn’t lemme go with you yeterday!” She was definitely whining.

“Oh, god. Sophie, you had dance class. You like dance class, don’t you?” I could hear his patience wearing thin and he was trying desperately to get his little girl to listen. I moved myself towards her room to get a look at the two while I listened. Nick was kneeling on the floor while she sat on her bed, ready except for the shoes on her feet.

“No,” she pouted, and she crossed her arms over her chest. I noticed that she didn’t look down at Nick because, if she did, she was sure to cave. Nick was so innocent in that way that even a little girl would want to please him.

“Baby,” he cooed, “I’m sorry. We’ll talk about it later. Just put your shoes on so we can go to Grandma Cheryl’s house, okay?”

She scrunched up her face with her cheeks becoming rosy, and she finally glanced at him through her thick lashes. “Okay, Daddy.”

I couldn’t see his face but I knew he was smiling at her. I watched him slide her little shoes over her pink socks and tie them quickly, kissing her knee to get her to giggle.

“Come on.” He stood up and scooped her into his arms as he did so, pulling her into his side. I took that as my cue to get downstairs.

I speedily made my way down the hall and halfway down the stairs before I looked back to see him following with Sophie still in his arms. I could hear the TV downstairs so I knew Nathan was ready to go. He had already wished us a happy anniversary, which was very adorable. I had a feeling that he would be forever innocent, just like Nick was in a way.

“Ready to go, bud?” He immediately turned around from the spot on the couch when he heard my voice and nodded. He pulled Tilly off his lap and shut the TV off, quickly taking his spot next to me while Nick slipped ahead to grab the keys.

“I’m hungry, mom,” Nathan sighed. He was doing his best not to complain, but he hadn’t much for breakfast and it was already noon.

“I know, but you’ll eat once we get there.” I smiled down at him and ruffled his curls, getting him to smile sweetly in return.

“Cake?” Nathan loved chocolate.

“Did you check yourself?” It was Nick who spoke now, still holding Sophie while he held the car door open for Nathan to get in.

“Yes,” he smiled, proud of himself. And as he climbed into the back of the SUV he said, “Did you?”

Nick gave him a smirk. “Yes.” They were a pair to see. “Now buckle up.” I could see Nathan nod and do as he was told while I made my way over to the passenger side, watching Nick buckle Sophie in once I got settled in.

The ride seemed faster than usual, thanks to my luck. I didn’t want to do this and the time seemed to like going against me. Nick had parked by the curb without even really paying attention to the other cars that were around, which only served to make me feel even more nervous. At least I recognized most of the cars, like Nick’s parents’ car and Clarissa and Joe’s. I think recognized a few cars, too, because he muttered something about Colin under his breath.

I think we were the only ones not there yet.

I could see that Nathan was very nervous, maybe even a little scared. He had grown out of a lot of his shyness, but he was still very timid and shy. It wasn’t surprising that he gave Nick his wide-eyed glance or that Nick grabbed his hand and gave him a soft, comforting smile. Sophie, on the other hand, was practically wobbling up the driveway because she couldn’t wait to see Andy and Joey. She didn’t like being the center of attention, but she definitely liked her cousins. They – especially Joey – were just like Joe, so it wasn’t hard to see why they were so easy to get along with, even at such a young age.

“Can I go home?” Nate asked nervously once we neared the gate towards the back. “I don’t want cake anymore.”

“Don’t worry, kid. You don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to.” We weren’t teaching him to be unsociable, but if he was comfortable he would talk. It was simple. “You can stick by me, if you want.” That definitely made me happier.

“Mom?” he asked suddenly. I looked towards him but opened the gate before he could say anything else because Sophie was practically bouncing. “Is it okay if I stay by you and Dad?” It was like he had to make sure Nick was telling the truth. I smiled.

“Sure it is. But feel free to move along if you find Grace or want to go play with your sister.”

He gave me an understanding nod and followed me forward with his hand still in Nick’s. I could see that Cheryl was cooing over Sophie already. Typical. I sort of slowed my pace so I could lag behind Nick, but he knew what I was doing and purposely lagged behind, too. I tried to glare at him but he only smirked in return, glancing up just as someone approached.

Joe.

“My brother and sister!” He immediately flung his arms around the two of us, causing Nick to scowl a little.

“It sounds weird–” he grunted while pushing him back some, “when you say it that way.”

Joe practically howled with laughter. “Point taken, but it’s good to see you.”

“You too, Joe.” He gave me his bright smile and looked down for a moment, taking in the fact that I was wearing a dress.

“And you look great, Minnie. You really do.” I could myself blush again and I glanced over at Nick to see that he was smiling a little, too. “You and my brother…” he sighed heavily, stepping so he was in the middle of us with his arms around our shoulders, “You two are so precious.”

“Yeah, okay Joe–” Nick started, but Joe cut him off.

“I mean – look at her, Nick. She’s glowing!”

“She’s pregnant,” Clarissa giggled. She suddenly came into view, looking beautiful in her yellow gray casual dress. It was fall but it was unusually warm.

“Awe, there’s my daughter! I’m surprised she remembered where I lived… considering she never comes over.” I thought I was overwhelmed before, but now – with Cheryl – I definitely was.

“Hi, mom,” I laughed nervously, smiling a little as she strutted over. I glanced behind her quickly to make sure that Sophie was nearby; I saw her with Joey and Andy just as I had predicted.

“Hi!” She practically shouted. She looked great, as usual. Her long hair was pinned up and her lips were a bright red. Same old Cheryl. “Your poor mother just gets a hello?” I refrained from rolling my eyes and moved forward to hug her instead, actually kind of missing her. She hugged back tightly but made sure not to press up against my stomach too much, just breaking my upper-back instead. “And, Nicholas,” she grinned.

“Hi, Cheryl,” he said back softly. I could tell that, no matter how hard he tried, he was still a little bit shy – just like Nathan. He was always sort of afraid of my parents, for a lack of a better word. He had no reason to be; Cheryl loved him and Rodney was pretty fond of him, too.

“Oh, you look so handsome, Nicholas.”

I had to tell myself that my mother was not hitting on my husband.

“Thank you. You look nice, too.”

“Oh,” she scoffed, flapping her hand about. “You are a polite young man,” she laughed, and everyone seemed to join in. It wasn’t that her words were funny, but Cheryl’s laugh was somewhat contagious. Even Nathan had a smile on his lips. “And there’s my good little grandson. How are you? Come give your grandma a hug.”

He did as he was told and eagerly hugged her, and I was glad that he liked Cheryl as much as he liked Denise. They were different, most definitely, but he cared for them equally. Denise had the more caring quality to whatever she did and she was more motherly, whereas Cheryl liked to joke and spoil, but she genuinely cared, too. They were a good mix to have.

“I saw little Sophie,” she said once she pulled back from Nathan; he immediately took Nick’s hand again. “She’s so precious, very gorgeous. Nathan here is very handsome, too.”

Nathan blushed.

“Anyway,” Rodney said out of nowhere. I noticed that he had come up behind Cheryl and that he was smiling at us. But I also noticed that he didn’t quite look the same. I didn’t know what it was, but it was enough to make me furrow my eyebrows. He didn’t pay attention. “Happy anniversary, you two.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I was surprised that I was the one to answer.

He gave me a genuine smile and then glanced over at Nick. “I think your mom has something for you.”

“Oh, yeah!” Joe blurted. “She’s in the house. I’ll go get her.”

No one questioned Joe as he practically sprinted towards the house, only standing by and staring at us instead. Nick was curious now, but he had to focus on the conversation my mother was starting.

“So, how’s the music going, Nick?” I smiled a little to myself and glanced over at Nick, surprised to see how empty his eyes looked all of a sudden. It was only for a split-second, though, and then he was back to smiling. Had I caught something that he didn’t want me to see?

“It’s, umm, it’s going really good.” I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him, but Joe running back out caught my attention. I also noticed that he was followed by Frankie, who had gotten a little bit taller since I had last seen him. It was hard to believe that he was 17 years old already. Everything was so weird.

“Hey, Frankie.” Nick gave his younger brother a smile and let go of Nathan’s hand for a moment to hug him.

“Nick!” I could see that he was a little excited to see him, even if he was growing up. “And Nate, hey.” He smiled at our son and bent down a little to bump his fist with his own. He still adored Nate; that hadn’t changed. “My brother got you knocked up again?” He gave me a wide smile and I immediately blushed, but rolled my eyes.

“Hey –” Nick smacked the back of his head lightly.

“Congrats,” was his quick reply before he pulled me into a hug, too.

There was so much conversation going on that I wasn’t quite sure where to put my focus. Kevin had come to us with Dani at his side and a very reluctant Nathan let go of Nick’s hand to talk to Grace and then move over towards Sophie. I peeled my eyes away from them so I didn’t have to worry and let Nick’s hand slip into mine while the conversations kept going. Joe and Clarissa, Cheryl and Rodney, Kevin and Dani, Frankie, and a couple of people that I had recognized but didn’t really know were all part of this big circle they seemed to make around us. And I was getting hungry.

One thing I noticed was that Colin was here, but he and Nick would share extended glances and he wouldn’t come over to us. I was tempted to ask what was going on, but then I decided against it when Nick decided to get some food like everyone else seemed to do. I couldn’t even count how many times someone had told us Happy Anniversary, but I knew that I was genuinely happy. The party wasn’t so bad, I guessed.

But we were interrupted before I could actually eat. Except, this time, it wasn’t so bad.

Nick’s parents finally made it outside with the “something” that they had for Nick, and that “something” was Elvis. I couldn’t believe how excited Nick got; it was like he was an adorable little boy – like Nathan was when Nick gave him Tilly.

“We thought Elvis was missing you a lot lately,” Denise said warmly and it Nick glanced up at her.

He laughed and bent down to pet his dog, immediately getting licked and barked at. “I missed him, too.”

“We thought that, since you haven’t seen him in a while, you’d like to…”

Nick smiled up at his mother and started petting the dog again, glancing back at me and nodding for me to join him. I smiled slightly and bent down the best I could, laughing once the dog started licking my face, too.

“He remembers you,” Nick beamed, rubbing the dog’s head.

“I think he’s just excited to see you again.”

He shook his head and bent down to place a kiss on top of Elvis’s head, turning to place a kiss on my cheek, too. Elvis barked and panted.

“Geez, look at all this excitement!” Joe clapped his hands together while he came over to us with cake on a plate and some in his mouth. “Can you believe how much is going on?” He gave a big grin but I noticed that Nick looked up almost cautiously, knitting his eyebrows together a little while still petting Elvis to try and calm him some.

“Not that much is going on.” I laughed a little and continued to pet Elvis gently along with Nick, giving him a smile.

“You’re 5 months pregnant, you’re two kids are in school and stuff, and you’ve been married for six years! That’s sort of a lot to take in.” Rodney was agreeing with Joe. I raised my eyebrows. I guess they were right, though. At least there weren’t any surprises.

“Yeah,” Joe laughed again. I couldn’t understand why he was so excited. But Nick seemed to be sending him the death glare that he was too busy to pick up on. “And not to mention that Nick starts his first tour in a matter of days.”

I didn’t know if I had heard him correctly, but when I looked up at his excited face and then over to Nick’s expressionless one, I didn’t know what to believe. Had everything gone silent? Or maybe I was just blocking everything out.

“What?” I think my voice conveyed mixed emotions; it was a whisper, it was a laugh, and it was also filled with disbelief. “What do you mean?” Once my eyes roamed Joe for a moment they darted over to Nick’s unchanging expression. “What does he mean?”

Maybe I was imaging it, but it seemed like everybody – including Elvis – took a step back.

Nick looked down to his hands and began to stand slowly, prompting me to do the same, but at a much faster pace. My patience was running very thin now.

“Nick,” I said warningly, and he slowly looked up.

“I, umm…” he cleared his throat. I could see his eyes dart across the yard and found that they swiftly landed on Colin before looking back towards me. He took a deep breath. “I… start my tour in October.”

Shock washed over me and I didn’t even know how to explain what I was feeling.

“When?” I croaked out. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“The first.”

The first? That was… that was just a few days away. My mouth fell open.

“H-how long?”

“Four months,” he answered lowly, but it felt like his words were echoing in my mind.

“F-four… you – you didn’t…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. “We need to talk.”

I began to storm forward before he could even answer me, ignoring all the stares and mumbles. I knew Nick was following me, but I felt so alone at that moment. How could he not tell me? How long had he been keeping this a secret? Why was I only finding out now?

I just didn’t know.

He slid the door shut behind me and I stomped my over towards the counter to clutch onto it. The silence held no comfort in it and I knew I had to break it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice was low and already cracking, but it was more from anger than anything else. “How could you not tell me?”

“What was I supposed to tell you?” he replied quickly and his voice was just as low. But his words were what set me off.

“What?” I spun around and held my arms down at my sides, keeping my eyes locked on his burning gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were going on tour? Why didn’t you tell me that you’d be gone in just a few days for four months! Maybe you should’ve started there!” I couldn’t contain the volume of my voice suddenly and I found that I really didn’t want to. I was stressed and I was so angry that he could keep something like that from me. I wanted to hear what his excuse was, but when he didn’t speak I knew that I had to go again. I quieted my voice down the best I could and took a deep breath before continuing. “How long did you know?”

He licked his lips and flickered his eyes down to the floor, and for a moment I wondered if he was even going to talk at all. But then he did and I couldn’t believe his words.

“Almost a week.” His voice was almost hoarse now, almost ashamed, but my whole focus was on the fact that he had known for so long and never once bothered to tell me.

He lied to me.

“A week?” I didn’t even recognize the utter shock in my own voice. “You knew for a week and didn’t bother telling me?”

“I didn’t know how I was supposed to tell you. It wasn’t like I was planning on keeping it from you –”

“But you did!” I didn’t care that I had cut him off. I cared about the truth. “You lied to me.”

I shut my mouth when I noticed the way his expression changed. His face looked shocked for a moment before his eyes went black and his lips pressed together firmly. He gave me his narrowed gaze and although I tried to not let it affect me, it did in a way.

“I lied to you? I never lied to you, Monroe!” His voice was raised and he took a step forward, but I knew from the look in his eyes that he was now angry and that he wasn’t going to try and calm me down.

“You didn’t tell me, Nick, and you knew for a week. You kept saying nothing was on your mind and that nothing bothered you… you were lying to me –”

“Right!” he laughed dryly. “So, what? I’m a liar now? I didn’t tell you something that I only learned about a week ago and now I’m automatically a liar?”

I didn’t understand why he thought this wasn’t a big deal. He would be gone in a few days… gone for months, and he didn’t even tell me. Was he just going to pack up and say ‘see ya?’ What was going through his head?

“Only? Nick, a week is a long time! You’ve known for a week that you were going on tour… and you’re only now telling me. Wait – not even! Joe had to tell me; Joe had to blurt it out! What the hell were you thinking? How could you lie to me?”

He took a step back and tightened his chest, turning away from me for a moment while his hand dug in his curls. I knew he was losing his patience fast, but I had already lost mine. This wasn’t okay. This wasn’t what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t supposed to keep things from me and it was upsetting to know that he would resort to that.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” His voice was strained and his sigh was heavy, leaving me to believe that he really was trying to control himself. I couldn’t.

“So lying was better.”

“Why are you hung up on this?” His eyes darted across my face with so many emotions, but at the same time it looked as if there were none.

“How do I know that this is the only thing you haven’t been telling me?”

“Are you going to try to play that card now?” His muscles were tense all over and he seemed as if he was a statue. “Are you going to think I’m cheating on you next?”

“Are you?” It was a stupid thing to blurt out, but just hearing the words shook me up even more.

He exploded.

“Fuck, Monroe! That is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. How could you think that? I would never lie to you! I didn’t tell you yet because I –” I cut him off with a shake of my head.

“I don’t care why you didn’t tell me! You didn’t and that’s the point. Do you not think that you can talk to me?”

“Oh my god, Monroe!” he finally shouted. He spun back around to face me with fiery eyes and clenched his fists at his side. “I’m sorry, okay? Why the hell is this a big deal? I was going to tell you, it’s not like I wasn’t. Just get over it!”

Get over it?

“Get over it?” I practically choked on the words. “Get over the fact that my husband couldn’t tell me that he was going to leave? That he couldn’t talk to me? That he had to lie to me –”

“Alright!” He flung his arms up slightly and gave me a serious look, one that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I made my breath catch. “If you want to talk about lying so damn much then why don’t we talk about you?!”

I felt myself shrink back against the counter when his words sunk in, and I didn’t know where he was getting at. He had no trouble continuing.

“Or are you too perfect, Monroe? Maybe I’m the only one screwing up.”

“What are you talking about?” My words were breathy and almost inaudible, but I knew he heard me because it seemed to irritate him further.

“I’m talking about lying, since that’s all you seem to care about.”

“I don’t lie to you!” The stress in my voice was sickening.

He raised his eyebrows at me and let his lips part with shock – whether it was real or fake, or a maybe a mixture of the two, was beyond me and it definitely hurt.

“Really?” He craned his neck forward some and shook his head in disbelief. “You don’t want to talk to me. How is that any better? I never know how you’re really feeling about anything.”

“That’s another lie!” I blurted out. “I always talk to you, Nick. I always tell you the truth.” He shook his head and bit down on his bottom lip. I couldn’t take this. “And what does that have to do with anything? You didn’t tell me about your tour. You lied to me.”

“Oh, right. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t bring perfect Monroe down to my level now, should we?!” He spat the words at me and, with all sincerity, it hurt.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re just so above me, you know that?” He tilted his head to the side and gave me a forced smile. “You never do anything wrong, you never make any mistakes. You just always know what to do.”

“Stop it, Nick! Stop it. That’s not true!” I was desperate again and I was already losing the fight that I started. Why couldn’t he stay on topic? He was the wrong one. He could’ve told me; I would’ve understood. But he had to keep it from me and now he was firing things at me that I didn’t understand.

“Oh, it’s not?” He gave a soft laugh, but all the comfort and all the softness of it were not present, leaving it dry and dark. “And why is that? You think that you’re just as screwed up as me, then? Because there’s never any happy median with you.”

“You’re not screwed up, Nick–”

“You don’t know that! You grew up completely different than I did!” He was shouting again and I broke my wall when I flinched. Where was he getting at? I didn’t know why the conversation was heading this way, but I desperately wanted to stop it. That was the past and I just wanted to talk about now. But I felt like I had to prove myself again, just like I was seventeen again.

“I know because you told me! I know that you were miserable, but you’re better now…” I had to hold myself together. “And you don’t know how I grew up.”

“Oh, you’re right. Excuse me. Growing up with your rich mommy must’ve been so hard!” My face twisted at his words and I couldn’t believe my ears. This was a completely different Nick… this was Nick from all those years ago, coming out for the first time since.

“My parents were divorced and I was always alone, you know that.” Trying not to show emotion was hard and I was angry and upset again, unable to control my feelings.

“I didn’t have parents half the time and I was alone, too. I don’t know how to deal with things and I’m trying –”

“So what are you saying then?” He was confusing me beyond belief and with my heart pumping like this I knew I couldn’t take much more.

“I’m saying that you can’t have everything perfect, especially not with someone like me. I try so hard to make you happy and now you’re calling me a liar. It was a mistake, Monroe! You should know that that’s all I do by now!”

“No, Nick.” I shook my head furiously and even thought about taking a step towards the broken man in front of me. I hadn’t seen him this way in years and, with the tears welling in his eyes, I never wanted to see it again. “You’ve been so amazing… that’s why I don’t understand how you could lie to me.”

“What about you?!” His voice cracked when he shouted, but he refused to let the tears fall. I jerked back at his tone. “Huh? We’re talking about lying, then what about you? I didn’t tell you about the tour and that’s lying to you, so how about what you didn’t tell me?”

“What didn’t I tell you? I tell you everything!” My throat was already hurting from the constant yelling that I wasn’t used to. Tears were already pricking my eyes.

“Don’t look so confused, Minnie Mouse.” He chuckled darkly again and began to pace away from me, freezing in his spot for a moment before coming right back to stand even closer in front of me. I bit my tongue. “Maybe you’re not so innocent after all.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I suddenly wanted to push him and run away, just like a child. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t right.

“I kept a tour from you; you kept a kid from me. And somehow we still aren’t even.” I had thought that maybe him lowering his voice would be better. I was wrong. His whispered voice was even harsher and more emotionless, just like his eyes, and I couldn’t control my tears now.

I could barely even swallow, let alone take in his words, and now the tears were falling and he didn’t even flinch. What was wrong with us? Maybe we really were screwed up, doomed from the start. Maybe… maybe I didn’t know what to do.

All I knew was that I had two options at this point: curl up and cry, like the old Monroe – the Monroe before Nick made me stronger – or fight back because I knew I could.

“Why do you always bring that up?” My voice was only a whisper now, but with each passing second I could feel the rise of my blood and I knew the volume of my words would follow. “Why can’t you let the past be the past? I made that mistake; I’m sorry. But you –”

“You’re sorry. It’s okay for you to make a mistake and be sorry. It’s okay for you to keep a kid from me for four years, but when it comes to a tour that I’ve only known about for a week… well, I’m the liar and the horrible person. You are such a hypocrite!”

Every word… every word hurt and cut into me and for a moment I wasn’t quite sure who was really standing in front of me. The way his eyes danced around my face, filled with so much anger and pain, made it hard to understand what was going on.

“The only reason I kept him from you was because you made it clear that you didn’t want me!” I told myself I wasn’t going to scream at him, but my yelling was quickly getting there and all thoughts of control were gone. It scared me beyond belief; not just because I didn’t know how to handle this, but because I didn’t know what was going on between us.

“I’ve told you a thousand times why you had to leave!” The desperation in his eyes was unmistakable; even the anger couldn’t cover it.

“Yeah, because you had to change, right? You didn’t tell me you loved me back because you weren’t good enough. I never cared about how messed up you thought you were. I never cared about your mistakes. All I cared about was that you were honest with me then, and you were. You were up until you realized how scared you were and then you lied by telling me to leave instead of trying to tell me you felt the same! How would you expect me to even want to tell you we had a son when I was just as scared as you?!” I had to stop just so I could catch my breath. “But I guess I should’ve known, right? You lied to me then, too…”

He gave me a hard look, intimidating me beyond any look he had ever given me before. My chest shook while I cried silent tears and, like his fists, mine were clenched at my sides. I couldn’t recognize if I was shaking or not, but I could hear my heart thrumming in my ears and I wondered how this was affecting him.

“What do you want me to believe? That you’re still screwed up even after all these years? Well then maybe I should believe this – once a liar, always a liar. Right, Nick?” I didn’t recognize my own bitter voice, but I had said the words and I couldn’t take them back.

He stayed deathly silent and it made me wonder if he was actually breathing or not. I couldn’t understand that the ragged noise that seemed to be taking over my hearing was my own breathing, but I couldn’t calm myself down. I was feeling the emotional strain of this and it made the tears fall even faster.

“This isn’t just about the tour, is it?” He wasn’t yelling anymore, but I did recognize the way he was; he was broken. It was like we were back at square one again. I could see how lost he was now and I could see that he was bringing back up a wall, getting to yell at me again to shut me out. “You’re the one who told me to take the fucking job!”

“It isn’t just about the tour!” I ignored the last outburst that came out of his mouth and cried instead, unable to look away from his fragile eyes no matter how hard I tried. “You were going to leave, Nick! You were going to leave me and Nathan and Sophie… leave without telling me until last minute. How could you do that to me?”

The way his expression changed so drastically was enough to throw me to my knees, but I clasped the counter behind me for support. His eyes were wide and his lips were parted, and the tears that rimmed his eyes were just dying to spill over.

“That was never… Monroe –”

I shook my head and glanced down at my stomach, trying to hold back the tears when I shut my eyes tight.

“So why don’t you just go then? Why don’t you just go and your damn tour and leave because telling me was obviously not important to you.”

“You don’t get it…”

“No, you don’t get it!” I thought that maybe my sudden outburst would faze him, but there was no reaction from him. “Can you not stand to have things work out?”

“I’m sorry I screw everything up.” The bitterness in his voice was back, but he couldn’t escape the pain in his eyes.

“Don’t start that.”

“No, you don’t start that. If this is such a big problem to you then maybe I need to go without you!”

I couldn’t push the sob back in and before long it was out in the open, lingering around us without any acknowledge.

“You were going to do that anyway!”

He opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it instead, shaking his head at me.

“We’re so caught up in the past… I honestly don’t understand how we made it this far. I can’t handle this.”

I didn’t know if he was trying to admit something or trying to say something to make things seem a little better, but those words were it. If he didn’t believe in us anymore then what was I supposed to do?

I glanced up at him with tears still falling and I didn’t know what to say. There was nothing left for me to do and I knew that. I just didn’t know what this meant. His eyes stared back at me, still so broken and full of unreadable emotions, and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I pushed past him and made my way to the sliding door slowly, pausing by it to see that everyone was having a good time outside. Why couldn’t that happen for us? Why did obstacles always have to get in the way? I put my hand on the handle and began to pull, but his words – so lifeless and drained – stopped me.

“Where are you going?” I didn’t know if he really cared or if he just wanted to know, but I didn’t know if I really cared right now, either.

“I’m going home.” I had to swallow back more tears before I mustered up enough strength to look over my shoulder. “Come by anytime you think you can handle it.”

I saw the way he parted his lips, like he was so desperately trying to say something, before I turned away. And I didn’t give him a chance before I slowly slid the door shit behind me.

Six years. Maybe it really meant nothing.

[J O U R N E Y]

Nathan, who was usually quiet when he sensed something was wrong, was full of worried questions when I took him and Sophie to the car. He asked what was going on and why I was crying, and he was very interested in why his daddy wasn’t coming back with us. I couldn’t answer him; I didn’t know what to say. Sophie was unusually quiet and she watched me a lot, just as confused as Nathan.

He kept quiet on the ride home, though, and I allowed myself to just calm down and think.

How did this happen?

Everything was going fine and it had been for so long. I thought we were happy – I knew I was happy. And all of this got so blown out of proportion because of Nick lying to me. But maybe he was right. Maybe I was making this out to be too much. But didn’t I have a right to know that he’d be up and leaving for months in a matter of days? Didn’t I deserve to know what my husband was doing?

I felt the tears began to come forth again, but I tried my best to push them back and focusing on breathing. I could feel a pain in me and I thought maybe it was in my chest, but I wasn’t too sure. All I knew was that I was upset and that I needed some time to just sit and think. And maybe Nick would come back. But if he did… did that mean I wanted to talk to him? Did that mean we would talk it out and be okay? We had said nasty things and I didn’t know why they had to be brought up.

Nick said he didn’t know how we made it this far. What if he meant it? What if that was it?

Oh god.

I couldn’t think about any of this, not now, but I knew I had to. I slid out of the car and made sure to unbuckle Sophie, but I could feel Nate watching me as I did so. I glanced up and caught his eye with my glazed ones, trying my best not to sniffle.

“Come on, bud.” I tried to smile but it was a failed attempt. “Let’s go inside.”

“Where’s Dad?” Nathan was never defiant, but he was becoming stubborn – just like me and Nick.

“Just…” I bit my lip. “Just go inside with me and your sister, please.”

He stared at me for a long moment and set his hand on the buckle, but he didn’t move. I sighed.

“Not until you tell me where Dad is. Why isn’t he here? Why’d you leave without him? Why are you crying?”

“Nathan, please!” I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t in the mood for questions. I wasn’t in the mood for anything. “I just want to inside and take this stupid dress off and go to bed. Please… please come inside for me?” I was on the verge of breaking down again and I didn’t know how long I could keep myself together.

He pouted his lips out a little, just like Nick, and his eyes widened with so much concern that it broke me. Why the hell did he have to look so much like Nick? The voice in my head was yelling and screaming nonstop, but I had to stay strong… even if it were just for a moment.

“Mommy…” His voice was a whisper – a broken whisper – and it reminded me so much of Nick.

“He’ll be here soon, okay? He’ll be here.” That’s all I could say and I hoped that it was enough to convince and comfort him. I hoped it was enough to do the same for me.

“Momma…” It was Sophie now and she acted like she was going to cry. I held her tighter against me and gave her the best smile I could.

“Shh, it’s okay. We’re all going inside now, right Nathan?”

He gave me a long stare and, as if in slow motion, began to unbuckle his belt. I waited for him to slip out of the car and trudge over to me, and then I took his hand and gave it a squeeze. He just didn’t understand, I realized that, but I didn’t understand either.

“Mommy,” Sophie whined again with her head placed against my shoulder while I tried to enter the house. “I’m tired.”

“You can take a nap. I’ll put you in your room.”

She gave her head a slow nod and was already closing her eyes before I could shut the door behind us. I expected Nathan to run over to the couch since his room still wasn’t finished, but he stayed right by my side instead and kept our hands together. He knew we were going upstairs for Sophie and he even started taking her shoes off of her so I didn’t have to worry about it, but his actions reminded me of Nick and how he put them on her before we left. Everything had been great then. Was he telling me that this was a mistake? That we were a mistake?

No. I refused to believe that.

Nathan was silent all the way to Sophie’s room. He had let go of my hand and stopped before entering all the way, and I figured he would go to back down to the kitchen to see Tilly because she would most likely asleep. I placed Sophie on her bed and gently removed her jacket, covering her up while still holding in any more tears. She looked so peaceful and she didn’t have any worries. I wanted to take her place. I didn’t want to deal with this, whatever it was. But I seemed to be cursed. Everything had to go bad at some point; was that how it was for me?

I stared down at her for another second and then I turned around, a little surprised to see Nathan still standing there. He didn’t say a word to me, not even as I passed, and he just followed me. He stayed right behind me all the way to my room and when I entered and took a spot on the edge of the bed, he did the same. I didn’t want to look at my son because he looked so much like Nick, but I had to look at him. His innocence was something that could always put me in a better mood and I needed that right now.

“Mom…” His voice was stronger now, even for a slight whisper, and I took in his expression. He was lost and he looked scared, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I could feel the tears begin to fall before i could even control it, but he did the only thing he knew. He wrapped his small arms around my waist and buried himself against me, comforting in me in a way that I needed.

I didn’t want to cry in front of him, to be upset and broken and pained in front of him, but I had no choice. And there was definitely pain. Had it moved from my chest to my stomach? There was a cramp there… and then another, and I continued to cry. Was everything wrong with me?

“Mommy?” Nathan suddenly whispered, and I noticed that his voice seemed panicked. He pulled away slowly with wide eyes directed down to my legs, I guess, but I kept my eyes on him. “You’re bleeding!” He practically screeched out the word and began to scoot backwards, forcing me to look down immediately. And what I saw… I never wanted to see.

There was blood coming through my dress and when I stood up there was blood on the bed. My eyes widened with horror and my hands even begin to shake a little. I didn’t know what was going on or what to do.

“Oh my god…” was all I could say. “Oh no.”