Down Low

It’s been a few weeks. For the first time since I arrived, I was optimistic and didn’t feel the need to hurt myself. It’s a great feeling, you know? Not having to search endlessly for any distraction to numb you from the pain you’re feeling. I was happy and was trying to just focus on things day by day, ignoring the growing anxiety in my chest as Lucas’ wedding began to approach. I’m glad Robbie and Lily started to plan familial things for us to do. I was so ready to just let go of everything that happened in the past and just move on. But of course, life isn’t that easy. I figured that this period was like a sigh of relief, only to be followed by months of holding my breath.

Last night, Lily read out the wedding invitation at the dinner table.

“Oh, how I love weddings! Aren’t they just so beautiful, Robbie?” She exclaimed excitedly. She clutched the letter to her chest as if it were her own, a look of hope glazing over her eyes. Robbie stared at Lily as if she was the most incredible thing he had ever seen. I wish I would have stopped the thought before it crossed my mind. But I wasn’t quick enough.

Now that is what true love looks like. Lily walked over to Robbie and sat down in his lap as he grinned at her belly and continued to rub it gently. I swallowed the lump that I didn’t even realize was growing in my throat and politely excused myself from the table. I ran upstairs swiftly, avoiding the bathroom at all costs. When I reached the center of my room, I collapsed onto my knees. How could I have forgotten? I’d been sleeping in a reality that no longer existed, yet had ignored the one important component to the memory that danced over my walls in various hues of purple, blue, and yellow. My mother…she’s been rotting in that psych ward for months and I haven’t even bothered to read her letters or listen to her messages. What kind of daughter am I?

I fell asleep in a fetal position on the floor, cuddling my throw pillow and silently sobbing to myself. Robbie had been much more attuned to my moods and behaviors attributed to them, and came in a few hours later to check up on me. If it weren’t for him, I’d probably be a complete wreck by now. I admitted to him how I was feeling. I was happy for him, but I wasn’t ready to move on. I wasn’t ready to go to this wedding, and I wasn’t ready to let my mother fade away. He held me in his arms and played with my hair, telling me that things would get better and that if I wanted to, we could visit my mother and maybe even go on vacation at the end of the year. I smiled up at him and got up to call Alex.

Since the incident, we’ve gotten really close. We’ve generally avoided talking about that night on the rooftop and have just been hanging out at my house. I really jumped the gun with Alex. I judged him too quickly and expected the worst from him, but he turned out to be a really great guy. I will admit that I’m attracted to him. Any bystander could tell that. But things are too complicated right now. I never really understood how a girl could just jump into a relationship when her world was falling at her feet. It would be nice to believe that having a relationship could fix everything, but the fact of the matter is that the problem is within you. But I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I probably have no idea what I’m talking about, but dragging other people into my shit just because I’m lonely seems really fucking selfish. I mean, under different circumstances I could see this going somewhere. But anyway, back to reality.

Over the next few days, Robbie and Lily have been planning out our flight and hotel situation for next week. We were set to leave on Thursday morning from Heathrow and check in at the Marriot by 12 p.m., and then go to the rehearsal dinner at 7 p.m. Then on Friday at 2, we’d meet up at the hall and get ready for the ceremony. What a joy.

I have no fucking clue how I am going to deal with this.