Down Low
Now Boarding
I don’t know what I could have possibly done in a former life to deserve this shit. But ever since the incident at the mall, I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that something is going to go terribly wrong. And soon. The paranoia seeping through my veins has had me trembling since we got on the shuttle bus headed for the airport. I’m so not ready for this.
After about thirty minutes of judging the rain drop races on the window beside me, the bus shuddered to a halt. At this point, I’m straight out terrified and I have no fucking idea why. The dread building from deep within my gut makes it difficult for me to move forward. As we walked past the security check and towards the gate, I felt like my feet were dragging through a swamp of maple syrup. I know I said I was homesick before, but now the idea of being home is actually making me sick. Robbie noticed that I was lagging quite far behind and yelled for me to hurry up. A look of concern flashed over his face before he reluctantly turned around and continued toward the gate with Lily, their hands interlocked. When we finally got the chance to sit down, I excused myself and headed quickly toward the nearest restroom.
Once inside, I sprinted past a pair of overly perfumed elderly women and into a stall where I immediately and painfully, heaved up whatever contents I had in my stomach. Tears escaped the corners of my eyes as held my hair back and spit out the remaining bile in my mouth. After a few quick breaths I wiped my lips and chin, carefully got up on my feet, and walked slowly towards the chrome sink. I roughly scrubbed my hands with the sweet smelling foam soap and splashed my face with lukewarm water. When I finally looked up towards my reflection, I recoiled. My skin was pale and stripped of all color, my eyes were rimmed with dark circles and my hair was a frizzy mess. I ran my hand through my hair as I leaned on the sink with my left hand. I look like her. I’m beginning to resemble her in the most disturbing way. I shook away the thought and rinsed out my mouth with water and gargled, disturbing a blonde, pigtailed six year old in the process. I pulled my beige patterned cardigan tighter over my black Jack Daniels t-shirt and wiped off the dust from the knees of my black tights. No one needs to know that I retched up last night’s dinner. When I was confident that I didn’t look too sickly, I marched back to the gate with a completely fake smile on my face.
Robbie smiled back at me and enthusiastically asked, “You excited?”
My smile faltered slightly before I took a quick breath and replied, “Completely! I haven’t been to a wedding in years.” Robbie seemed a bit unconvinced with my answer but was satisfied, nonetheless. He knows that I’m not exactly happy about it, but how can I tell him that? I’m sorry dad, but how could I tell you just how much pain I’m in over the fact that the love of my life is marrying someone else? How could I possibly explain to you that my insides have been butchered and turned inside out by the fact that I am expected to stand next to them and watch as they exchange their vows? How could I confess that I hope Lucas changes his mind and marries me instead? How could I do that without making you think that your daughter is a horrible human being? When Robbie and Lily begin chatting away about the hotel check-in and other boring adult topics, I look up towards the ceiling and blink away the fat beads of tears forming in my eyes. Stop it. Just stop it. Not here, I plead. A heavy hand grabs my shoulder and I quickly wipe my eyes before looking up into the eyes of Alex. He’s standing in the way of the big windows overlooking the runway where the sun is slowly rising. Before I could stop myself I crashed into him with the tightest hug I could muster. Alex reciprocated, dropping his duffle bag and lifting me up, frantically kissing my cheeks, my hair, my forehead, nuzzling my neck and whispering soft I’m sorries in my ear. I honestly have no idea how I feel about Alex, but he being here gave me a vast wave of relief and…confusion? I pushed away from him.
“Wait, why are you here right now?” I demanded. Alex offered a hearty laugh before holding out a shopping bag towards me.
“You forgot these,” he stated with a smirk. I gaped at him incredulously.
“And?” I pressed.
“And Robbie decided it was a good idea to bring me along and make sure you don’t go insane watching Lucas marry someone that isn’t you,” he replied uncomfortably. My breath hitched in my throat.
“Wait…how-”
“You talk in your sleep,” Alex interrupted. He chuckled and pulled me into another embrace, gently caressing the back of my head. He leaned down and softly asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” He looked sincerely concerned about me, something I haven’t seen since before the disaster with Lucas. I sighed loudly and stepped away from him again at the announcement that our gate was now boarding. I grabbed my backpack and looked sadly into his eyes before telling him the most honest thing I’ve said to anyone in a while.
“I didn’t want to bring you into my mess.”
After about thirty minutes of judging the rain drop races on the window beside me, the bus shuddered to a halt. At this point, I’m straight out terrified and I have no fucking idea why. The dread building from deep within my gut makes it difficult for me to move forward. As we walked past the security check and towards the gate, I felt like my feet were dragging through a swamp of maple syrup. I know I said I was homesick before, but now the idea of being home is actually making me sick. Robbie noticed that I was lagging quite far behind and yelled for me to hurry up. A look of concern flashed over his face before he reluctantly turned around and continued toward the gate with Lily, their hands interlocked. When we finally got the chance to sit down, I excused myself and headed quickly toward the nearest restroom.
Once inside, I sprinted past a pair of overly perfumed elderly women and into a stall where I immediately and painfully, heaved up whatever contents I had in my stomach. Tears escaped the corners of my eyes as held my hair back and spit out the remaining bile in my mouth. After a few quick breaths I wiped my lips and chin, carefully got up on my feet, and walked slowly towards the chrome sink. I roughly scrubbed my hands with the sweet smelling foam soap and splashed my face with lukewarm water. When I finally looked up towards my reflection, I recoiled. My skin was pale and stripped of all color, my eyes were rimmed with dark circles and my hair was a frizzy mess. I ran my hand through my hair as I leaned on the sink with my left hand. I look like her. I’m beginning to resemble her in the most disturbing way. I shook away the thought and rinsed out my mouth with water and gargled, disturbing a blonde, pigtailed six year old in the process. I pulled my beige patterned cardigan tighter over my black Jack Daniels t-shirt and wiped off the dust from the knees of my black tights. No one needs to know that I retched up last night’s dinner. When I was confident that I didn’t look too sickly, I marched back to the gate with a completely fake smile on my face.
Robbie smiled back at me and enthusiastically asked, “You excited?”
My smile faltered slightly before I took a quick breath and replied, “Completely! I haven’t been to a wedding in years.” Robbie seemed a bit unconvinced with my answer but was satisfied, nonetheless. He knows that I’m not exactly happy about it, but how can I tell him that? I’m sorry dad, but how could I tell you just how much pain I’m in over the fact that the love of my life is marrying someone else? How could I possibly explain to you that my insides have been butchered and turned inside out by the fact that I am expected to stand next to them and watch as they exchange their vows? How could I confess that I hope Lucas changes his mind and marries me instead? How could I do that without making you think that your daughter is a horrible human being? When Robbie and Lily begin chatting away about the hotel check-in and other boring adult topics, I look up towards the ceiling and blink away the fat beads of tears forming in my eyes. Stop it. Just stop it. Not here, I plead. A heavy hand grabs my shoulder and I quickly wipe my eyes before looking up into the eyes of Alex. He’s standing in the way of the big windows overlooking the runway where the sun is slowly rising. Before I could stop myself I crashed into him with the tightest hug I could muster. Alex reciprocated, dropping his duffle bag and lifting me up, frantically kissing my cheeks, my hair, my forehead, nuzzling my neck and whispering soft I’m sorries in my ear. I honestly have no idea how I feel about Alex, but he being here gave me a vast wave of relief and…confusion? I pushed away from him.
“Wait, why are you here right now?” I demanded. Alex offered a hearty laugh before holding out a shopping bag towards me.
“You forgot these,” he stated with a smirk. I gaped at him incredulously.
“And?” I pressed.
“And Robbie decided it was a good idea to bring me along and make sure you don’t go insane watching Lucas marry someone that isn’t you,” he replied uncomfortably. My breath hitched in my throat.
“Wait…how-”
“You talk in your sleep,” Alex interrupted. He chuckled and pulled me into another embrace, gently caressing the back of my head. He leaned down and softly asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” He looked sincerely concerned about me, something I haven’t seen since before the disaster with Lucas. I sighed loudly and stepped away from him again at the announcement that our gate was now boarding. I grabbed my backpack and looked sadly into his eyes before telling him the most honest thing I’ve said to anyone in a while.
“I didn’t want to bring you into my mess.”
♠ ♠ ♠
yes. updates