Invisible Handcuffs

I sighed as I pressed my forehead against the cool door. I closed my eyes as I placed my hand on the doorknob. Locked. Why would I expect anything different? I had just seen her more vulnerable than I could ever imagine. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. What was I supposed to do? I wanted to help her.

I sighed as I slowly clenched my hand into a fist. I softly knocked on the door. I heard a sniff. “Go away.” I could hear her voice breaking with every word she spoke.

My heart dropped into my stomach at the sound. I had never heard criminal like this before. She was always hard, always tough never emotional. Even when she was emotional she was still tough. She acted as if nothing could ever get to her. No matter what the situation was, she was impossible to crack. She had a barrier around her. Things were different now. Now, I could see another side of her. She was no longer the criminal that I knew. She was no longer the mystery that haunted my thoughts every day. She was a girl. She was normal. She hurt.

“Please,” I softly begged. “Just talk to me.”

“Just go away.”

“I’m not leaving. I want to help. Please just let me. Talk to me.”

“No.”

“Why not?” There was silence.

I sighed as I stood up straight, no longer leaning against the door. I was desperate. I didn’t want to leave her like this. I couldn’t leave her like this. As much as I hated to admit it, it would be impossible to leave her like this. I may have been able to deny everything that I was feeling before, but I couldn’t do that now. Seeing her vulnerable like this drew me to her. I could see that there was another side to her. She was deeper than I thought. I was attached. There was no denying it.

I knocked on the door again. “Please just open the door.”

“Justin stop it. I can’t do this pretending anymore.” Her voice was no longer soft. It was firm but I could still hear the sadness in it.

“Pretending?” I questioned. “No one is pretending. I want to help you. I care about helping you.”

“You what?”

I hesitated before speaking. “I care about helping you.”

I heard the sound of the bolts on the door being twisted. I moved my hand in time to watch the door forcefully fly open revealing criminal. She stood in her pajamas, messy hair cascading past her shoulders, with her face tear stained. Her chocolate brown orbs were bloodshot from her tears, and new ones were continuing to form as she narrowed her eyes at me. Her chest heaved up and down rapidly as she stared at me. I didn’t know if she was going to cry, or scream. Maybe even both.

“Stop lying.” She demanded.

“I’m not—“ “Yes you are!!” she yelled

“You never care, never!!”

“Can you keep your voice down criminal—“ “No!!!”

“See that right there that shows that you don’t care!!” She was yelling now and she didn’t care who heard her. The tears that were brimming her eyes were now beginning to fall. “You never cared about me Justin!! You never saw past what you think I did!! You’re so selfish how could you ever care!! You hated me from the moment you saw me, and you never bothered to see anything different!! You never even bothered to learn my fucking name, I’m the lowest of the low to you and that’s not even the worst part because I don’t blame you!!! The worst part is dealing with it every day and knowing the truth…and knowing that…no matter what I’ll always be criminal to you. So don’t you dare stand there and tell me that you fucking care, when you don’t.”

Tears were falling freely from her eyes now. She couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. She took deep breaths to try and calm herself down. She was failing miserably.

I was broken. I felt worse than I ever thought I could. I couldn’t deny much of what was said. How could I when she was right; I didn’t even know her name.

I took a step towards the crying girl. I placed my hand on her shoulder but she jerked away from me shaking her head. I had no choice but to tell her the truth.

“Maybe that’s how it was in the beginning, but it’s not like that anymore. I do actually care about you. Ever since the—“

“Please” she sniffed “just save it. I’ve heard it all before. In fact I just got off the phone with a guy feeding me bullshit. I’d like it so much if you didn’t do the same thing.”

“Can you just listen to me?” I begged.

She shook her head, looking down at the ground. “No Justin, I can’t. Because no matter what you say, it won’t matter because I know the truth.”

“So tell me the truth.”

“What’s the point? I’m criminal to you. Once my sentence is up you’ll never have to deal with me again.” She sniffed.

I placed my finger underneath her chin, tilting her head up locking her gaze with my own. Bloodshot and tear stained she was still just as beautiful to me as she was before, maybe even more. In fact she was more beautiful. I could see the real her. I could see more than her tough exterior, and that made her beautiful.

She stared into my eyes and surprisingly she didn’t look away. I placed my other hand on her cheek, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. She closed her eyes as she breathed slowly. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but it wasn’t my main concern. I was happy that she wasn’t fighting me for once. That she was letting me comfort her. I placed both of my hands on her cheeks, tracing circles with my thumb. She placed both her hands on top of mine before opening her eyes. She didn’t fight the eye contact, she accepted it.

“You don’t know how wrong you are.” I softly spoke. She parted her lips to object but I interrupted her with my lips on her own.