Invisible Handcuffs

“I just don’t understand her!!! One minute she’s a bitch, the next minute she’s flirting with me, then she kisses me, then she ignores and kisses some other guy, then she acts like a bitch again next thing I know she’s flirting with me in front of another girl!!!! I don’t get it!!!!” I yelled into the phone.

I had been on the phone with Ryan since we left the set. Things with criminal were becoming more and more complicated as each day past. I needed to vent to someone, someone who wasn’t going to judge me and might understand what I was saying. I couldn’t think of a better person to call than Ryan. I was surprised that I hadn’t called him before about this situation.

“What am I supposed to do?!?!?!”

“Well you could stop yelling in my ear for one.” He spoke.

I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair. This was all so frustrating. “My bad.” I calmly spoke.

“You really want to know what I think you should do?”

“Yes, that’s why I asked.”

“Stop making this so complicated and take her out. It’s obvious that you like her whether you want to admit it or not so just take her out somewhere. Actually have a conversation with her, talk to her about the kiss. She was real with you before, she’ll be real with you again. Stop complicating things.”

Everything Ryan was saying to me made sense. I knew that he was right, but it wasn’t that simple. “I think you’re forgetting that she has a boyfriend.”

“I didn’t say sleep with her, I said take her out. Take her somewhere she’d like so she’d have no choice but to open up to you.”

“I don’t know any place that I could take her dude. I barely know anything about her.”

I knew nothing about criminal. We had been working together for this long and I didn’t know anything about her. I didn’t even know her name. I only knew her as criminal.

“Dude, are you stupid. You know the most obvious thing about her. She’s in love with cars.”

Everything began to hit me like a truck. I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten about this. This was the most obvious piece of information that I had. I knew what I was going to do. I knew the perfect place to take her. I could actually take her to a place that could make her happy. I might actually have a shot at having a real conversation with her.

“I got to man; I got some phone calls to make.” I hung up the phone before Ryan could utter a word.

Sliding my phone into my pocket I walked out of the door to my hotel room. Before I could make the arrangements for tomorrow, I needed to get criminal to agree to go out with me. Knowing her, this wasn’t going to be easy. The last thing I wanted to happen was for me to plan everything and then she doesn’t agree to go.

I stepped out of the elevator as I reached the floor criminal and the rest of my crew was on. They were on the floor below me, though I didn’t know why. As I turned the corner to criminal’s hallway, I was shocked at what I found.

Criminal was on the phone pacing back and forth in front of her hotel room door. She couldn’t have looked more flustered. Her hair looked as if she had been running her fingers through it for hours. Her face was twisted with a mixture of emotions, but anger was the most prevalent on her face.

I should have walked away. I should have come back later, but I didn’t. Instead I remained in the position I was in, standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at criminal. I couldn’t have made it more obvious that I was eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know why she was so upset. Criminal was always upset around me but never like this.

“Why would you do this to me New Guy? Why would you ever tell me this?” she spoke with frustration dripping off her every word.

I immediately tensed up as I realized who she was talking to. It took everything in me not to scowl. I should have known that she was talking to one of them. Those were the only people she ever seemed to talk to. Despite everything, I was glad that she was talking to New Guy rather than DJ.

“It doesn’t matter!!!” She screamed as she stopped pacing. “You already know what I’m going through you shouldn’t have told me. I don’t want a status report about him that’s going to make things worse. You know what, forget just put him on the phone.” She paused as she ran her fingers through her hair. “I don’t care; you should’ve thought about that before you open your fucking mouth now put him on the damn phone!!!”

I watched in anticipation and curiosity as I continued to eavesdrop on criminal. I wanted to know what was going on. I was surprised that I hadn’t walked over to her and asked what was going on.

“Are you kidding me right now DJ?”

My nostrils flared as his name left her lips. I should’ve known that she was going to talk to him eventually, and that he was the reason why she was upset. All he does is cause trouble. Any time his name was brought up, there was trouble. Any time he was around, there was trouble.

“Don’t give me that bullshit; you know exactly why I’m upset. How could you do this?” She paused as she listened to him speak.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re that upset because I won’t take you back so you pull this shit. Do you not understand what’s going on right now? This is exactly why I didn’t take you back; you can’t make up your mind. You can’t figure out if you want to change for me or not. You don’t appreciate the shit that I go through for you, you can’t be there for me when I need you, and when you get upset you pull shit like this!!”

Criminal placed her back against the door before sliding down to the floor. That’s when I noticed it. Her eyes were beginning to water. She was no longer filled with anger but with sadness. My heart began to ache as I watched her. I had never seen criminal like this. I had never seen her so vulnerable, so emotional.

“I do more than that for you, so why can’t you do more than that for me.” Her voice was soft as her tears began to slide down her cheek.

“I’m in this entire situation because of you, I did this for you. Everything that I’m dealing with right now is because of you. I have to take shit from Justin everyday because of you.” My heart dropped into my stomach with guilt. My expression softened out of guilt.

Her tears began to flow faster. “You have no idea what it’s like to be judged everyday and there’s nothing that you can do about it. There are certain things I will never be able to tell Justin because of this situation.” As if it were possible I felt guiltier with every word that she spoke.

“It’s not about whether or not anything is going on between me and him; this is about me and you. You just don’t understand. I’m going through all of this because of you. I’m putting myself through emotional hell and turmoil for you. Yet every time I turn around, you’re doing something to make me regret doing this, like causing a scene or doing something like this.”

She sighed as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Her voice grew softer. I was surprised that I could still hear her. I knew that if I wasn’t listening so intently, I wouldn’t have heard anything that she was saying.

“Tell me you love me. Tell me like you mean it, the way that you use to…why, because I need to hear it. I need to know that I’m doing all of this for a reason. I need to know that I’m pushing away a chance I could have with a good guy, for a good reason. I need a reason to tell myself that you’re still good for me, but since you hesitated…it’s obvious that I was right. You’re just no good for me anymore…”

She closed her eyes as she pulled the phone away from her ears. She took a deep breath as she placed her head on the door. She sniffed as she wiped a tear from her face. My heart ached.

I was in pain, both physically and emotionally. I felt empty as I stared at her. The only thing that I wanted to do was comfort her. I wanted her to make her smile. Seeing her like this broke me.

Criminal looked so broken, and I hated it. Every bad thought that I ever had about her, temporarily left my mind as I stood there looking at her. She didn’t look like the girl that I see every day. She looked like someone else, someone that I had never seen before. She looked like someone that needed help.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to walk towards her. I had to comfort her. As fate would have it, she opened her eyes and looked in my direction.

I stopped walking as my eyes locked with hers. I didn’t know what her reaction was going to be. Anything could happen at this point. Her tear stained face was expressionless. Her breathing was shallow. If I wasn’t looking at her, I would have thought that she was looking right through me.

We stared at each other for what felt like centuries, neither of us breaking eye contact. I took a step towards her with caution, and regretted it as soon as I had. In the blink of an eye she stood up, opened the door and rushed inside. I was left standing in the hallway empty and confused.