Please Don't Go

“Dad, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand,” Kurt pleaded, reaching forward and grabbing his father’s hand, desperately sliding their fingers together, wishing that there would be something, anything, from his dad. He waited for an eternity, the only noise in the room the steady beeping of Burt Hummel’s heart rate being monitored.

“Dad?” Kurt asked again, his voice cracking. He studied his father’s face, searching for any sign of recognition, movement, life. Kurt felt his lower lip start to tremble, and he knelt down, praying to a God he didn’t believe in. He grabbed onto his dad’s hand with both hands, putting his forehead against it and whispering over and over and over again, “Please, please, please give me my dad. Please don’t take him away from me.” He closed his eyes, trying to focus on something other than his near-death father in the bed next to him.

“Kurt Hummel, you get down from that table right now!” A five year old Kurt jumped, startled to find his father standing behind him.

“Burt, he’s just playing.” His mother said, stepping out from behind Burt and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“He could have gotten hurt.” Burt said, glancing back at his wife, and Kurt quickly scrambled off the table, making sure to beam up at his father to let him know he was okay.

“I’m fine, Dad! I was just singing.” He said. He was so young that he didn’t recognize the flash in his father’s eyes, but it was quickly replaced with a look of relief that his son had stopped singing and dancing atop their kitchen table.

“It’s alright kid, just don’t do it again, okay?” Kurt nodded, and his father ruffled his hair.

“You were very good, sweetie.” His mother said, and Kurt grinned proudly.

“Thanks, Mom!” He said, scurrying past them and up the stairs to his room.

Kurt blinked, not realizing that he was crying. He sniffled, wiping away the tears with the back of his hand. He leaned his head against the side of the bed, still clinging onto his father’s hand. This was all so terrifying. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to think back ten years ago, to something he didn’t usually think of.

“Kurt!” He had never heard his father so scared or worried, and it terrified six-year-old Kurt more than he already was.

“I’m over here, Dad!” He shouted, scrambling up from the sidewalk. Burt looked around until he found him, and Burt rushed over, pulling Kurt into a bone-crushing hug. Kurt didn’t care that his dad was holding him so tight it hurt, he clung to him anyway.

“Daddy, where’s Mom?” Kurt asked, looking up at his father.

There’s a moment in every kid’s life that they never forget. Sometimes it doesn’t happen for a long time, but when it happens it’s terrifying and it makes you realize that not everything is in control. It’s the time when every kid’s perfect world bubble is popped. It’s when they see their father cry for the first time. Kurt watched as his dad, his tough, manly, brave, strong father broke down into tears, pulling Kurt tighter against him.

“Kurt, when the other car hit Mommy’s car…she’s not going to come back, Kurt. She’s in heaven now.” Burt said, trying his hardest to keep himself together. Even at six years old, Kurt knew that he would have to be strong for his father. He reached up, wrapping his arms tight around his neck and burying his face into his dad’s shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Kurt. I’m so glad you’re okay.” Burt mumbled, burying his face in his son’s hair. Kurt could feel his dad’s tears falling onto his head, and he closed his eyes, trying to come to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t have a mommy anymore.

Kurt blinked, feeling the tears falling down his face. He didn’t try to stop them, just let them come as he stood up again, staring down at his dad. When he had first heard about the accident, he thought that maybe this was just a horrible nightmare, something triggered by the fact that it was almost exactly ten years since his mother had died in that car accident, but Kurt was now aware that this was not a dream, this wasn’t something he would wake up from, this was real and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it or not.

“Please, Dad. Please wake up. Please tell me it’ll be okay, please don’t leave me,” Kurt whispered, looking down at his father’s face. It was bruised, and cut up, and devoid of any emotion except peaceful sleeping. Kurt felt hopelessly alone. He knew that he had all of his friends waiting for him in the waiting room, but they were so far away, and none of them could replace what was at stake.

“Dad, please…” Kurt tried again, desperately squeezing his father’s hand in an attempt to wake him up. “You’re going to miss Deadliest Catch. It’s your favorite, remember? C’mon. Carole’s waiting for you. Please wake up, Dad.” He begged.

“I can’t be alone without you. I don’t know what I would do without you, Dad. I love you, Dad. I love you so much, please don’t leave me here. Please wake up, please squeeze my hand, please do something, please, anything, just don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone, Dad. I need you to wake up, please.” Kurt whispered, his vision blurry from the stream of tears falling over his eyelids.

“Mr. Hummel? Visiting hours are over for the night. I’m going to have to ask you to go now.” The nurse said, knocking on the door and walking in. Kurt jumped, nodding quickly. He turned away, wiping away the tears before kissing his dad’s forehead.

“I love you.” He murmured, squeezing his dad’s hand one more time. “I’ll be back tomorrow. I promise.” He said, reluctantly letting go of his dad’s hand and moving past the nurse. He paused in the doorway, taking one final look at his father sleeping before turning and walking out, praying harder than he ever had before.