Between a Little Piece of Heaven and the Danger Line

I stared at Brian in shock, how could my disgusting body turn him on? I don't know how it did, but right now I was going to take advantage of it. I may or may not have jumped on him, and I may or may not have straddled his hips, and I may or may not have clawed at his shirt as I trailed kisses up and down his neck with small nips in between. Then again I may or may not have relished each and every little groan and moan that slipped from his perfect mouth. We fell back into the couch, and the innocent little “Oomph” That he made as I fell on top of him was enough to ruin the mood. I sat up, still straddling his hips, and tried to ignore the hardness that was poking into my thigh.

“Do you think we're moving to fast?” I asked him seriously, trying to hide the fact that I thought that I was disgusting right now. I don't know how he could like something like me, a fatty. He sat up too, realizing that I was serious, he slipped out from underneath me.

“What do you mean?” He asked, strained from his obvious boner. I shot him a weak smile, and hoped it reached my eyes.

“I mean, we've only been dating for a few days, yes we've known each other for years, but we didn't date until now. I know friend Brian, I have no clue who dating Brian is.” It was true in the friend aspect I could tell you everything about him, but I had never dated him, I didn't know that side of him, and that scared me. [AN: I would just like to point out how awkward this is for me to write, my mom's boyfriend's name is Brian too.]

“I understand, I don't know dating Zack either.” He was smiling sadly at me, “And since we're talking about going to fast, we haven't even established our exclusiveness yet.” I looked at him, was he asking what I thought he was asking? “Will you be mine?” I grinned shyly at him and nodded. He smiled the biggest and brightest grin I had ever seen on his face, it was magnificent. We talked for a few more minutes, then I decided it was time for me to go home.

“I need to go, but I'll call you later babe.” He nodded sullenly, but the corners of his mouth lifted slightly at the use of my endearment. I lightly brushed my lips over his and walked out of his house. I felt a little light-headed and there were little black spots crossing over my vision, but I ignored them. The drive home was filled in with the mindless drabble of some talk show on the radio, and my bitter puffing on a cigarette. Home seemed like such a cold place right now, but it was the only place that saw me for what I was. Disgusting. I knew it was too good to be true, Brian almost had me believing I was attractive, then it happened that deplorable “Oomph,” it ruined everything, and my self loathing was back sevenfold.

I could feel myself coming down from the mind-boggling experience of my morning purge, and I knew I needed to remedy that. Before I cold do anything though I sent a quick text to Brian to tell him I got home in one piece, then I made food, and lots of it. I ate every last crumb, then felt so bad about it I barely made it to the bathroom before I was trying to get it all back up. When it was all said in done, I was floating again, a slight numbing fog was ensnaring my senses, but it wasn't as amazing as the first time. I exhaustively took a shower and went to bed.

I was in a forest, mossy trees were surrounding me, and I was being lead on back a sinister laugh. I was trying to get away, but it didn't matter how far I ran. The laugh came closer and closer. I tripped and slipped on a slick moss-covered tree root, scrambling to get up the laughs owner found me. It was Jimmy, but it didn't look like him anymore, he was sickly pale and his flesh was rotting in some places.

“What do you want?” I rasped out, taking in huge puffs of air. He glared at me a malicious intent in his eyes.

“I want my life back, you killed me.” He grabbed the thin gray material of my shirt and threw me up against a tree. The wind was knocked out of me, I choked trying to breathe. A slowly rotting hand wrapped its way around my throat. “I don't think so, fatty, murderers don't get the pleasantry of breathing.” He cackled evilly, my face filled with un-circulating blood, and a pressure began to build behind my eye lids. “I can't believe somebody like you was good enough for Brian. I don't see why he wants somebody like you. You're nothing, nothing but a lazy murdering fat ass.” He continued but the damage was already done.

I jerked awake, soaked in cold sweat, my hair was matted to my face, and I could see the wet imprint that was my body sticking to my sheets. I sobbed into my pillow until I fell into another restless sleep.
----
a couple of weeks later
----

I had fallen into a pattern, wake up, grab beer, grab rear, shave beard, put on some scene gear, gotta get drunk before my mom wakes up.... oh right that was a song oops. I mean I woke up in the middle of the night from some sort of nightmare, cried myself to sleep, woke up in the mid morning hours, called Brian, ate a feeble breakfast that never quite stayed down, fed the dogs that were now back from my parents house, meticulously cleaned my house, went to Brian's, and sometimes we hung out with the rest of the guys, Johnny was the only one who didn't know about me and Bri well the Berry brothers didn't know either.

As of right now, I was waking up from another nightmare, and this time I couldn't force myself to go back to sleep. They were getting worse, sometimes three to four a night. My guilt was eating me away. I peeled myself from my sweat soaked bed and teetered towards the bathroom. I was getting weak from the lack of both proper sleep and nutrition. I tried to hide it, I used a dark foundation that I bought to seem like I had some of my normal color and my clothes were baggy to hide my dwindling figure. I was still too fat I went to the scale I kept hidden under my sink, and with a small ounce of hesitation I stepped on it. The three digit number that stared back at me was a sad reminder that I would always be to big, 149 LBS. I was huge, there was no denying it.

If I had been in a normal state of mind I would realize I was at least ten pounds under weight, I was dwindling down a dangerous path, and people were starting to notice that something was up. I wasn't in my right mind, I was in my everything will be okay as long as I purge myself of any nutrients. It was okay as long I as I was able to get rid of the toxic food I was consuming. I didn't get the high numbing feeling anymore, instead I felt pain. My throat burned from the excess stomach acid that made its way up multiple times a day, I had a constant head ache, and my entire body was lethargic. It was almost easy to ask for help. It was almost easy to stop. It was almost easy to see the pain I was in.

----
Brian was over, the first time in a few days, I could see the thinly veiled concern in his eyes. “Baby, what's going on with you?” He asked, almost pleading.

“Nothing babe, I'm right as rain.” I was using an overly exuberant and cheery tone, I just hoped he couldn't see through it. He shook his head and cupped my face, if I had been in a right state of mind I would have seen the way that my cheeks began to sunk in. I would have seen my sinking in eyes that weren't a vibrant green anymore, but instead were a muddy green. I would have seen that my pouty lips were nothing more than a thinning line.

“No you're not, please tell me what's going on.” If I was in the right state of mind, I wouldn't have mistaken that whine in his voice as one of lust, I would have seen it as a wine of confusion and a whine of pain. I leaned forward, seeking any type of contact, we could have held hands and I would have been happy. My thinned lips sought his. As we made the connection everything melted away, the warmth that spread from his lips to mine filled my body, and I was floating again. I straddled his waist, and momentarily tensed as his hands rested on my pudgy hips. I shook it off and continued my ministrations, this time I broke away from his lips and trailed little pecks and nips down his throat, his groans and moans egging me on. It was innocent fun, until he turned the tables, I was the one laying on the couch, I was the one that was receiving the full attention, and I was the one that he was trying to get out of a shirt.

“Bri, no we're going too fast.” I whined, not really wanting to stop, but at the same time I didn't want him to see my ugly. It was different when we were friends, then I didn't have to impress him. Now I was the pile of pudge under my very toned and very sexy boyfriends body. He stopped clawing at my shirt, and soon we were laying on out sides facing each other.

“I'll wait forever for you.” He whispered gruffly. I smiled at him, and for the first time in weeks it reached my eyes. He smiled back, and with a peck on my nose, we both fell asleep on my couch side by side facing each other. It was the first time in months I had slept dream free. I woke up to warm brown eyes gazing at me adoringly, it was something that I could get used to.

“Hi.” I whispered groggily, reminded all to much of the scene in my kitchen not to long ago.

“Hi back.” I grinned at his low tone, it made him sound slightly childish and very cute. I nuzzled my face into his shoulder and breathed in his intoxicating sent. His smell was something I spent weeks trying to figure out, it was a cross between smoke, oil, cologne, and something that was purely Brian a sort of musk. I heard him giggle as I nuzzled deeper into him, my eyes blinking softly, “That tickles, baby stop blinking that tickles.” He laughed, I inwardly smirked and began to flutter my eyes, enjoying the way he wiggled as my eyelashes tickled him.

“I could get used to this,” I told him relenting on my light torture. I felt his nod of agreement, and when he kissed my forehead, I melted a little.