My Heart's on an Auction, It Goes out to the Highest Bid

I woke up the next morning in a bed that felt foreign to me after so long. Despite being Matt’s wife and buying a house to live in together, I was forever lonely when he decided to go on tour – and because of that I kept my apartment with Alice. I missed the rooms Matt and I had designed together. After not being here for five months I appreciated it so much more.

Our bedroom was light green. I loved it. The colour refreshed me and made me want to wake up every morning. I stretched around in bed and rolled over to see Matt’s sleeping figure. I smiled at him, moving closer and resting my head on his chest.

“Good morning baby.” I whispered as I felt him move, his eyes fluttering open.

“Hey,” he smiled at me and pulled me on top of him. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Fine.” I laughed.

“No headache?”

“None,” I giggled, knowing that he was referring to my state last night.

“Right.” He stated sarcastically. “I missed you so much baby.”

“I missed you too Matt.” I said to him, kissing his lips.

“Five months is too long, especially since I only had a month with you as my wife before we left. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone, you know? I should have stayed until we were comfortable with being married and everything.”

“Baby, seriously, it’s fine.” I smiled widely at him and kissed him again. “How was it anyway?”

“As long as you’re sure you’re okay with the fact that I left… it was awesome. Next time, baby, you’re coming with out a doubt.”

I started kissing him as he finished talking, my hands pressed onto the mattress, resting by his head. I was lying on top of him, missing this feeling of being utterly adored and wanted. Matt rolled on top of me and I wrapped my arms around his back, his body falling between my legs as we continued to kiss passionately. His tongue was in my mouth, his hands roaming the sides of my body, our breathing heavy and delighted.

As I sat on top of him once again, our lips broke apart as I pulled his shirt off of his body and he did the same to me.

“I love you Emily.” Matt said to me.

“I love you too Matt.” I muttered as we became one.

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I threw yet another dress off my body and stood in front of my mirror in just my underwear and bra. I was so utterly frustrated that I felt almost close to tears. Nothing I had seemed to look right for today. I flipped open my phone and dialled my best friend’s number.

“Alice, can I come over to yours in a minute?”

“Umm…” I heard her giggle and inhale deeply. “Sure… why?”

There was a muffled whisper that was unmistakably a man’s voice in the background.

“I need to borrow some sort of clothing from you.”

Her reply seemed clouded with confusion, but she didn’t question me. “Okay. Fine, but like… come in like twenty minutes okay?”

With that she hung up and I tried to hold back my impulse to be sick. She could have at least tried to mask the fact that she was “busy”.

Frowning once more at my reflection, I walked into the bathroom and began to finish applying my make up. I rimmed my eyes with a little more black, blow dried my hair into a volume-ous style and turned back into my bedroom.

Throwing on some jeans and a shirt, I ran downstairs and into my car to drive to Alice’s.

Today was the faithful day – the day I had been waiting for, for months on end. Today was the day Ronnie Radke was released from jail, and today was the day that I would meet him. The nerves had been flying in my stomach for the past week, and they had only gotten stronger as the hour drew closer. What would happen? Would I hate myself? Would this clear up any doubts I had had before? But most importantly… Would any of this ruin my marriage to Matt? It was too early to call, for all of these doubts and concerns I had.

I knocked on the door, not ready for a lecture and not happy enough to see Alice’s smiling face. I just wanted to get my dress and leave again.

“Emily! I said 20 minutes!”

“I don’t care! This is my house too and I have to get somewhere, like now. So hurry up and let me the fuck inside.”

She came to the door, wrapped in a sheet. “What’s your problem today?”

“Nothing, I’m in a hurry.”

“To go where?”

“None of your business. Let me inside.”

I pushed past her and ran up to my room, quickly swapping my clothes around and retreating back down the stairs. Alice was still waiting for me by the door, leaning her body against the frame.

“If you’re going to see Ronnie, Emily, be careful.”

“I’m not going to see Ronnie.” I stated. “And even if I were, I don’t need to be careful. We’ve been down this track before, Alice. I haven’t even met him before, nothing is going to happen, especially because of Matt.”

“Just don’t hurt him, Emily.”

With one more concern look, I went back to my car and drove to the coffee shop we had agreed to meet at.

It annoyed me that Alice had to make such a big deal out of it. Out of everything I did. Just because I am meeting someone I had been writing letters to from jail does not mean anything will happen, and it certainly doesn’t mean it had to impact my marriage or life in any way. I was just meeting someone I could build a friendship with… right?

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“Wow.” Ronnie whispered as I sat down opposite him.

I smiled shyly. “Sorry I’m late.”

“That’s… fine… you’re not really.”

He smiled at me and I returned it. I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks.

“So, how’s your day been so far?”

Small talk filled the first part of the meeting, and as we sipped our coffees I couldn’t help but notice the clearness of his eyes, the huskiness of his sweet voice.

“Is it good to be free again?” I asked him.

“No one is ever free, really.” He replied. “But yeah, it’s good to be out.”

I looked away from his gaze. Of course no one is ever free. I feel guilty just being here because I am married when all we were doing was talking. I was so afraid to lose Matt that I was driving myself away from other human relationships.

We finished up. We stood up. I didn’t want to leave. I was content in Ronnie’s company, it felt like I had known him for years not minutes.

“Do you want to go to the park or something?” Ronnie asked.

When I nodded and began to walk in the direction of the park, Ronnie’s hand laced in mine. I tried to stop the feeling of nausea battling in my stomach.

I pulled my hand away from his and continued to walk beside him.

“I’ve waited for a while to meet you.” He whispered.

“Me too, Ronnie.” I replied softly, my voice filled with regret.

“I don’t know why this feels so wrong.”

“Oh, so it’s not just me that feels like that?” I asked. “I feel guilty and I don’t know why. We’re not doing anything wrong.”

He averted his eyes. “Yet.” He murmured.

I ignored what he was implying.

“You know, Emily, your letters really got me through the time inside.” He said, sighing and sitting down on the park bench by the river. “If you hadn’t written to me, I would have had nothing to look forward to when I got out.”

“That’s sweet of you to say that.” I said.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Why would you think that?”

“You’re avoiding everything I say that is remotely emotionally involved.”

“I don’t want to ruin anything I already have, Ronnie.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

I stared out into the water. I wasn’t ready to tell him I was married. I didn’t want to stop any potential with him. But why? I was married, I should be proud and happy to say that to any man that came my way. Suddenly I choked it out.

“I’m married.” I whispered.

“You’re what?”

“I’m married. To Matt. Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio.”

“Oh.” He said, swallowing deeply. “Why did you come to meet me then?”

“I didn’t realise this meeting meant that we would have that kind of relationship, Ronnie … I was so curious and excited to meet you, to figure out why I always got so… so happy when I saw you had written to me.”

“This has to mean something Emily.”

“Why?”

“At first I thought maybe the letters meant so much to me because I was in jail, away from the world… but now… there has to be a reason why I picture who you are when I fall asleep… or why I memorise everything you wrote to me and recite it in my head. There has to be a reason. You feel guilty about meeting me… and why? Because you know you shouldn’t be seeing me, because you know this means something. Don’t deny that to me.”

I bit my lip and swallowed, averting my gaze from Ronnie.

“I can’t do this,” I murmured. “Matt… he’s amazing to me… I can’t hurt him and throw it all away because I might feel something for you… I’m married. I’m happily married. I’m sorry Ronnie, I don’t know why I came if this is what our relationship is going to mean.”

I turned on my heel and began to walk back to my car, only to feel myself pinned up against the driver’s door when I arrived there. Ronnie’s face was inches away from mine, I could feel the humidity of his breath on my lips.

“If you walk away now, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

I closed my eyes, trying to fight the urge to kiss him. He smelt like soap and powder, he was so close to me and I couldn’t help but wonder why exactly I felt this way. I knew this would happen when I came… our letters were intimate, if I didn’t know that I wouldn’t have hidden them in the first place. I knew what I was getting into and I strung Ronnie along.

“I’m not walking away.” I whispered.

I felt Ronnie’s hands grip my hips firmly, his lips now crashing onto mine. My breath shortened as I found myself kissing him back. His hands wondered from my hips up my sides back down to my hips again… I pressed my hands onto his chest, gripping the hem of his shirt, grabbing onto his hips and pulling him closer to me.

I pulled away from him, panting and sweating slightly. I didn’t want this to end. Ronnie opened my car and pulled me into the passenger seat on top of him. There, I sat on his lap, kissing him passionately, both of us becoming knowledgeable with one another’s mouths. His hands wondered onto my breasts, and he grabbed them through my dress, kissing down my neck and onto my slightly exposed chest. I moaned quietly and pulled his shirt over his head, running my hands over his exposed stomach and following his lips onto his neck as he sucked at mine.

What was I doing?