My Heart's on an Auction, It Goes out to the Highest Bid

I arrived in my drive way at record speed, blinking continuously in order to keep away the tears that kept forming in my eyes from running down my cheeks. How could I have done this? How could I have been so stupid? I knew exactly what I was doing when I went there, but why didn’t I care? I couldn’t believe I did that to Matt, and now I had to live with the guilt of knowing I betrayed him.

I entered the house and walked quickly to the bedroom, taking a cigarette and walking out onto the balcony at the left of the bedroom, to Matt’s side of the bed. Tears slid down my face as I cried silently, my back against the railing. I inhaled deeply and cursed myself. This was my fault, all this pain was purely due to my mistake. I bought this on myself, I knew this would happen, so why am I crying now? The damage has been done. I fucked up my relationship and I betrayed the only person I swore I wouldn’t betray.

“Hey baby, I thought I heard you come in.”

I turned to see Matt enter the bedroom, and walk toward me, also pulling a cigarette out of the deck in his back pocket. He engulfed me in a hug I returned with limp arms, barely able to breathe as he showed me affection. Matt kissed the top of my head gently, lacing his hand in mine and standing beside me against the railing, lighting his cigarette.

“How was your day beautiful? I got home and you weren’t here,” he laughed.

I swallowed deeply and closed my eyes momentarily before responding. “It was good, you know… uneventful I suppose,” I tried to laugh it off and pretend to be innocent. “I just went to get a coffee; we’re out of soy milk.”

“Oh right, yeah, I saw that this morning.”

Matt smiled at me – and I realised how quickly everything has changed. Him leaving me whilst on tour killed my spirit so much, that the smile he gave me no longer made me weak at the knees and my heart melt. It was Ronnie’s smile today that did that to me now, after only one meeting.

I felt so guilty that a sudden wave of sickness washed over me and I ran to the bathroom, throwing up instantly. Matt was there in a moment, holding my hair back and rubbing my back.

“Are you okay babe?”

“Yeah, fine,” I spluttered as I washed out my mouth. “I must be getting my period or something. You know that happens.”

“Yeah, right.”

I tried to smile at him as I walked back into our bedroom, sitting on the edge bed. Matt sat beside me and raked a hand through his short hair, turning to face me.

“So how about we do something tonight? If you feel up to it?”

“Yeah sounds good,” I sighed, lying back on the bed.

“Okay… well I’m going to go up to the shops to buy some more milk and stuff. Will you be okay here?”

“Yeah of course Matt.”

He leant down and kissed me on the lips. “I love you.”

I couldn’t bear to say those words back to him. Instead I managed a weak smile, watching as he stood up and pulled on his jacket before leaving the room completely.

My phone began to vibrate, and, not bothering to check the caller ID, I answered.

“Hello?”

“It’s Ronnie.”

“Ronnie? How did you get my number?” I was utterly shocked, sitting bolt upright on my bed.

“You’re listed. Anyway we need to talk.”

“Are you serious?” I scoffed, “what about exactly?”

“I’ve been thinking, and I don’t care if you have a husband. I think we should go for it.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” I sighed, “go for what exactly Ronnie? How about I don’t want to see you again? I feel so fucking guilty already and we haven’t even slept together. This one encounter has fucked everything up for me.”

“You knew what you were doing when you came to meet me. I want to see if this works out.”

“I thought I did – and it wasn’t this. There’s nothing to work out, except my guilt and relationship with my husband.”

“Okay, okay, fine. Just answer me one question.”

“What question?”

“If you didn’t feel anything toward me, why are you feeling so guilty about it? If there was no meaning behind it, you wouldn’t be feeling so bad.”

I couldn’t answer, but we both knew my silence answered the question. He hung up on me without any further conversation, and I knew, at that moment, he had me.