Status: Active
Confessions to My Past
Chapter 12 - Another J
I laid on the beach, letting the sun shine on me and listening to the ocean rustling while I was reading my new book; The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova.
I barely concentrated on the words, though, being too busy not falling asleep. I yawned and watched a plane fly across the blue sky.
It triggered a chain of thought that had spun through my mind a couple of times. I still had my German passport, even though I said I’d destroyed it. I hadn’t had the heart, and now I was glad I still had it. It was my fall-back plan.
What if I just got on a plane and went back home? Sell everything here, take off, never return? Away from everything and everyone.
Then I would remember Amy and Sam; I didn’t want to leave the only friends I still had in life behind. Plus, it was a lot harder smuggling your way through life with fake ID and no education in Germany than it was here in the US.
With a sigh, I rolled around so that I now lay on my belly – or rather, I tried to.
“Damn it, boy, you’re getting big.” I groaned and resumed my former position.
I put my book away and decided I’d take a plunge into the ocean.
‘How long are you going to keep hiding?’ I asked myself as I dived under a wave. I’ve been in Charleston for four weeks now, way longer than I had originally intended, but I didn’t find the strength to leave.
I laid down on my towel again to dry in the sun before returning to my hotel room to change and go out for dinner.
“Yeah?” I picked up my ringing phone.
“Josie, it’s Amy.”
“Oh, hey.” I said awkwardly. I had never argued with my friends before, and had found myself shocked after I’d hung up on Amy weeks before.
“Look, I’m sorry about the other day…”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I realized I’ve made a mistake interfering with your love life, especially because you tend to do the exact opposite of what people tell you.”
I smiled slightly.
“It’s just that… Josie, you’re all I’ve really got. And I just feel as if Dean and you still love each other… I want you to be happy. And if you decide that your happiness doesn’t lay with Dean, I’ll accept it. Just please, baby, be sure about it.”
A tear crept over my face. “Thanks, Amy. Really. And I’m sure. Listen, sweetie… I just need three more days, then I’ll pack and get back home.”
“Glad to hear it. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I hung up and wondered when it was the last time Dean and I had exchanged those words.
Before I went to dinner, I strolled through town. I noticed a mother struggling with three young children and her groceries (and I walked into yet another movie cliché... which made me wonder if they really were just clichés or signs from above.).
“Need help?” I asked with a smile.
“Oh, God, yes, please.” She let out a relieved and exasperated sigh as she handed me two bags. “Thank you so much.”
“It’s no bother.”
“Jill, stop teasing your brother.” She turned to me. “Hey, I’m Beth, these are my kids Jill, James and Joanne.”
“Nice to meet you all, I’m Josie.”
“Another ‘J’!” The youngest cried.
I smiled. “Yes, another ‘J’.”
“It was their father’s idea naming them all with a name starting with the same letter.” The mother said with a bitterness that piqued my curiosity, but I decided to leave it.
“But Daddy’s not there anymore.” Jill volunteered readily. “He’s in Heaven.”
“Oh, I’m so-“ I started, when Beth grumbled quietly to me: “That’s the generous version.”
“Excuse me?”
“Ran off, that’s what he did, leaving me stuck alone with these three. Just took off, probably with the neighbour’s attractive young daughter.”
The voice pounded against my skull, louder than ever: Dean would never leave you like that, never. He promised you, and he keeps his promises. Moreover, he loves you and your child. He would never desert you.
“I’m so sorry.” I gulped down the lump in my throat.
I’d been stupid, and I’ve known it all along, I just needed that kick in the ass to open my eyes to it.
Dean might not be perfect, but he was perfect for me.
*****
Neither Dean’s heart nor mind was in his flirt with the sexy bartender. Maybe 25 years old, skinny built but a proper bust exhibited nicely in a low-cut tank top, pale with dark brown hair and eyes.
Sam had given up interrupting his flirts. He just hoped it never lead to anything more, but so far, that didn’t seem to have ever been the case.
But as Dean looked at the woman behind the counter, he realized how her beauty had nothing on Josie’s. He still remembered clearly how she’d looked that morning, before everything had gone so rotten: Strands of her hair had come lose from her ponytail overnight, framing her face in messy waves and curls. No make-up on her face, just some little creases from the pillow. The clothes she’d thrown on; simple, slightly washed-out, it was obvious she wouldn’t leave the house in those. The baby bump showing clearly under the shirt.
“Another beer?” The bartender looked at him with glowing eyes. “On the house.”
Dean smiled one-sidedly. “No, thanks. I’ve got to get back home to my girlfriend.”
*****
It felt strange being back in the house where so much had happened… but it also felt good, because it was home.
“Josie! God, I’m so glad to have you back.”
“Amy!” I chuckled. “What are you doing here?”
“Someone had to keep the lawn mowed, standard length one inch.” Amy noted dryly.
I laughed and hugged her again, which wasn’t so easy a task with my 6-month belly between us.
“Damn, you’ve grown big.”
I just nodded.
“But you look terrific.” Amy smiled and stroked my hair tenderly. “You feeling okay?”
“Fantastic.” Overstatement. Again. “Hey, um… did, um, Sam or…Dean call?”
Amy looked at me intently. “Sam called a few times. Said Dean was driving him insane and that he missed me.”
I had to smile. “I’m happy for you.”
“And because I’m such a great friend, I won’t even bring Dean up. Let’s have something to eat. What are you feeling up to?”
“Honestly?”
“Hit me.”
“Pineapple with chocolate sauce.”
Amy blinked. “I’ve heard weirder.”
We sat down at the kitchen table, she served me my beloved pineapple and heated up chocolate for me to pour over, then sat down with a sandwich herself.
“Your college papers have arrived, by the way.”
“Oh, great, can’t wait to get started.” It was half-way true, at least.
We finished our dinner, careful not to touch any sensitive topics.
“Amy… I’m going to bed. Thanks for everything. I’d be lost without you.” I kissed the top of her head.
“Likewise.” She got up and hugged me. “Sleep well, honey. And I’m so happy you’re back, really. It’s been boring and lonely without you.”
I smiled, then dragged myself up the stairs. I closed the door behind me, and then fished out my phone.
There was something I had to do, even if it meant taking the risk of having my chance of happiness destroyed.
I barely concentrated on the words, though, being too busy not falling asleep. I yawned and watched a plane fly across the blue sky.
It triggered a chain of thought that had spun through my mind a couple of times. I still had my German passport, even though I said I’d destroyed it. I hadn’t had the heart, and now I was glad I still had it. It was my fall-back plan.
What if I just got on a plane and went back home? Sell everything here, take off, never return? Away from everything and everyone.
Then I would remember Amy and Sam; I didn’t want to leave the only friends I still had in life behind. Plus, it was a lot harder smuggling your way through life with fake ID and no education in Germany than it was here in the US.
With a sigh, I rolled around so that I now lay on my belly – or rather, I tried to.
“Damn it, boy, you’re getting big.” I groaned and resumed my former position.
I put my book away and decided I’d take a plunge into the ocean.
‘How long are you going to keep hiding?’ I asked myself as I dived under a wave. I’ve been in Charleston for four weeks now, way longer than I had originally intended, but I didn’t find the strength to leave.
I laid down on my towel again to dry in the sun before returning to my hotel room to change and go out for dinner.
“Yeah?” I picked up my ringing phone.
“Josie, it’s Amy.”
“Oh, hey.” I said awkwardly. I had never argued with my friends before, and had found myself shocked after I’d hung up on Amy weeks before.
“Look, I’m sorry about the other day…”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I realized I’ve made a mistake interfering with your love life, especially because you tend to do the exact opposite of what people tell you.”
I smiled slightly.
“It’s just that… Josie, you’re all I’ve really got. And I just feel as if Dean and you still love each other… I want you to be happy. And if you decide that your happiness doesn’t lay with Dean, I’ll accept it. Just please, baby, be sure about it.”
A tear crept over my face. “Thanks, Amy. Really. And I’m sure. Listen, sweetie… I just need three more days, then I’ll pack and get back home.”
“Glad to hear it. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I hung up and wondered when it was the last time Dean and I had exchanged those words.
Before I went to dinner, I strolled through town. I noticed a mother struggling with three young children and her groceries (and I walked into yet another movie cliché... which made me wonder if they really were just clichés or signs from above.).
“Need help?” I asked with a smile.
“Oh, God, yes, please.” She let out a relieved and exasperated sigh as she handed me two bags. “Thank you so much.”
“It’s no bother.”
“Jill, stop teasing your brother.” She turned to me. “Hey, I’m Beth, these are my kids Jill, James and Joanne.”
“Nice to meet you all, I’m Josie.”
“Another ‘J’!” The youngest cried.
I smiled. “Yes, another ‘J’.”
“It was their father’s idea naming them all with a name starting with the same letter.” The mother said with a bitterness that piqued my curiosity, but I decided to leave it.
“But Daddy’s not there anymore.” Jill volunteered readily. “He’s in Heaven.”
“Oh, I’m so-“ I started, when Beth grumbled quietly to me: “That’s the generous version.”
“Excuse me?”
“Ran off, that’s what he did, leaving me stuck alone with these three. Just took off, probably with the neighbour’s attractive young daughter.”
The voice pounded against my skull, louder than ever: Dean would never leave you like that, never. He promised you, and he keeps his promises. Moreover, he loves you and your child. He would never desert you.
“I’m so sorry.” I gulped down the lump in my throat.
I’d been stupid, and I’ve known it all along, I just needed that kick in the ass to open my eyes to it.
Dean might not be perfect, but he was perfect for me.
*****
Neither Dean’s heart nor mind was in his flirt with the sexy bartender. Maybe 25 years old, skinny built but a proper bust exhibited nicely in a low-cut tank top, pale with dark brown hair and eyes.
Sam had given up interrupting his flirts. He just hoped it never lead to anything more, but so far, that didn’t seem to have ever been the case.
But as Dean looked at the woman behind the counter, he realized how her beauty had nothing on Josie’s. He still remembered clearly how she’d looked that morning, before everything had gone so rotten: Strands of her hair had come lose from her ponytail overnight, framing her face in messy waves and curls. No make-up on her face, just some little creases from the pillow. The clothes she’d thrown on; simple, slightly washed-out, it was obvious she wouldn’t leave the house in those. The baby bump showing clearly under the shirt.
“Another beer?” The bartender looked at him with glowing eyes. “On the house.”
Dean smiled one-sidedly. “No, thanks. I’ve got to get back home to my girlfriend.”
*****
It felt strange being back in the house where so much had happened… but it also felt good, because it was home.
“Josie! God, I’m so glad to have you back.”
“Amy!” I chuckled. “What are you doing here?”
“Someone had to keep the lawn mowed, standard length one inch.” Amy noted dryly.
I laughed and hugged her again, which wasn’t so easy a task with my 6-month belly between us.
“Damn, you’ve grown big.”
I just nodded.
“But you look terrific.” Amy smiled and stroked my hair tenderly. “You feeling okay?”
“Fantastic.” Overstatement. Again. “Hey, um… did, um, Sam or…Dean call?”
Amy looked at me intently. “Sam called a few times. Said Dean was driving him insane and that he missed me.”
I had to smile. “I’m happy for you.”
“And because I’m such a great friend, I won’t even bring Dean up. Let’s have something to eat. What are you feeling up to?”
“Honestly?”
“Hit me.”
“Pineapple with chocolate sauce.”
Amy blinked. “I’ve heard weirder.”
We sat down at the kitchen table, she served me my beloved pineapple and heated up chocolate for me to pour over, then sat down with a sandwich herself.
“Your college papers have arrived, by the way.”
“Oh, great, can’t wait to get started.” It was half-way true, at least.
We finished our dinner, careful not to touch any sensitive topics.
“Amy… I’m going to bed. Thanks for everything. I’d be lost without you.” I kissed the top of her head.
“Likewise.” She got up and hugged me. “Sleep well, honey. And I’m so happy you’re back, really. It’s been boring and lonely without you.”
I smiled, then dragged myself up the stairs. I closed the door behind me, and then fished out my phone.
There was something I had to do, even if it meant taking the risk of having my chance of happiness destroyed.