Status: Active again! New chapter up as of 8/13/11!
A New Kind of Dangerous
Twelve
Sydney and Raven were now sitting in her car at the park. She recounted the story of what exactly had happened as she smoked a cigarette, trying not to bawl her fucking eyes out. Sydney must see how much pain Raven's in because she changes the subject, talking about the party that Mason Lukens is throwing on Friday night. "I'm definately going to that shit" Raven says "I need to get wasted after this shit" Sydney turns to her and gives her a look. "Raven" She says softly "You don't need to do this to yourself. I know I don't know you that well, but it seems like every time you get hurt you ignore the pain and turn to drugs and alcohol." Raven shakes her head, denying it.
She was completely right, though. Drinking was her escape. It was her way of saying fuck reality. "Don't deny it" She says. Raven sighs, not wanting to get into this with her. "Okay, fine. That's exactly how I deal with pain. I know it's not healthy, but you don't understand."
It was true, she didn't understand. She never would. She would never have to know what it's like to be treated like a piece of shit by your own parent. To be thought of as the dirt under her mothers shoes. She would never have to be broken up with because someone decided to change their sexual orientation overnight. Would never have to be called names because of the gender of the person she was in love with. She would never have to feel the pain, hurt, and humiliation of being cheated on. Brad would never to that to her, he loved her. That was the problem.
"I may not understand" She said, suddenly "But maybe I could at least try." She turned to look at her. Raven saw the sympathy in her eyes. She knew that she truly did want to know how she felt, but damn, even she don't know how she feel so how the hell was Sydney supposed to figure it out? "Okay let me try to explain" She found herself searching for a way to explain it "When I'm drinking, I forget about what's going on around me. I feel happy, even though I shouldn't, I do because that's how the alcohol makes me. And even if I do manage to breakdown, I'm usually so drunk that I don't remember it in the morning. Drinking takes away the memory for the time being. When I'm high, it's like I'm invincible. I can't feel anything and I drift off into my own little world where everythings perfect and pain doesn't exist. I don't forget about my problems by any means, but it takes the sting away for a few hours. That is why I do what I do" she finished, looking back up at Sydney. She had been listening intently, Raven could tell by the way she was leaning forward and looking her in the eyes. She loved her eyes, they were green, but not puke green. They were more like emeralds. Damn, she was so beautiful. No. She cannot find her to be attractive. She can't even like her. This was wrong, but it felt so right being here with her.
Raven collected her things and opened her door. Sydney got out with her and watched as she pulled out a large blanket and a guitar. They walked over to a shaded spot between two trees, spreading out the blanket. Raven put her guitar, cigarettes, and phone on the blanket before sitting down. "I didn't know you could play guitar" Sydney told her. Raven smiled "There is a lot you don't know about me yet" She wondered if Sydney caught on to the yet. She didn't even know why she'd added the yet part. There would never be anything between them. Sydney was straight and had Brad. Raven sighed and picked up her guitar, beginning to play.
She begins playing the first chords of Hometown Glory by Adele. Suddenly she stops and changes her song. She starts playing softly, slowly singing the words.
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
'cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That somebody's me
Yeah
Raven finishes, looking up at her. She wonders if she knows that she's singing this to her. That she wants her more than anything right now. Yes, she knows Jae just ripped her heart out an hour and a half ago, but she's wanted Sydney since before she even thought about Jae in that way. Being with her just feels amazing. She wants to lay next to her all day and never move. She's pulled out of her thoughts as Sydney interwines their fingers, giving her a shy smile.
She was completely right, though. Drinking was her escape. It was her way of saying fuck reality. "Don't deny it" She says. Raven sighs, not wanting to get into this with her. "Okay, fine. That's exactly how I deal with pain. I know it's not healthy, but you don't understand."
It was true, she didn't understand. She never would. She would never have to know what it's like to be treated like a piece of shit by your own parent. To be thought of as the dirt under her mothers shoes. She would never have to be broken up with because someone decided to change their sexual orientation overnight. Would never have to be called names because of the gender of the person she was in love with. She would never have to feel the pain, hurt, and humiliation of being cheated on. Brad would never to that to her, he loved her. That was the problem.
"I may not understand" She said, suddenly "But maybe I could at least try." She turned to look at her. Raven saw the sympathy in her eyes. She knew that she truly did want to know how she felt, but damn, even she don't know how she feel so how the hell was Sydney supposed to figure it out? "Okay let me try to explain" She found herself searching for a way to explain it "When I'm drinking, I forget about what's going on around me. I feel happy, even though I shouldn't, I do because that's how the alcohol makes me. And even if I do manage to breakdown, I'm usually so drunk that I don't remember it in the morning. Drinking takes away the memory for the time being. When I'm high, it's like I'm invincible. I can't feel anything and I drift off into my own little world where everythings perfect and pain doesn't exist. I don't forget about my problems by any means, but it takes the sting away for a few hours. That is why I do what I do" she finished, looking back up at Sydney. She had been listening intently, Raven could tell by the way she was leaning forward and looking her in the eyes. She loved her eyes, they were green, but not puke green. They were more like emeralds. Damn, she was so beautiful. No. She cannot find her to be attractive. She can't even like her. This was wrong, but it felt so right being here with her.
Raven collected her things and opened her door. Sydney got out with her and watched as she pulled out a large blanket and a guitar. They walked over to a shaded spot between two trees, spreading out the blanket. Raven put her guitar, cigarettes, and phone on the blanket before sitting down. "I didn't know you could play guitar" Sydney told her. Raven smiled "There is a lot you don't know about me yet" She wondered if Sydney caught on to the yet. She didn't even know why she'd added the yet part. There would never be anything between them. Sydney was straight and had Brad. Raven sighed and picked up her guitar, beginning to play.
She begins playing the first chords of Hometown Glory by Adele. Suddenly she stops and changes her song. She starts playing softly, slowly singing the words.
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
'cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That somebody's me
Yeah
Raven finishes, looking up at her. She wonders if she knows that she's singing this to her. That she wants her more than anything right now. Yes, she knows Jae just ripped her heart out an hour and a half ago, but she's wanted Sydney since before she even thought about Jae in that way. Being with her just feels amazing. She wants to lay next to her all day and never move. She's pulled out of her thoughts as Sydney interwines their fingers, giving her a shy smile.