I'm Feeling Things Are About to Change

Nothing too out of the norm happened once Kirstie came back from tour. Her and Josh seemed so much closer though. It’s crazy to see how much you appreciate someone once they’ve been gone for a long period of time. Even though he’s only gone for about three days at a time, it still makes me hug onto my Lukie a little tighter at night.

Six months have gone by though. Six months! My baby is six months old today… and it’s also been three years since my brother left us. How ironic of the dates. I didn’t even put two and two together until my mom called and said everyone was going to go visit him.

“You going to be ok, baby?” Luke asked as I was starting to throw more layers on.

“Yeah,” I smiled at him.

I was being truthful. I wasn’t excited to be going, but it’s good to remember the amazing person he was with his friends and the family. But I was mostly smiling because Luke was holding Elijah and the little guy was smiling so big. He has Luke’s dimples. It’s the cutest thing.

“Ma ma ma ma ma,” he said in his little baby way with his fist still in mouth, slobber rolling down his chin.

“Come here, my baby boy,” I smiled bigger while holding my hands out for him.

A huge excitement came over his face as he lunged towards me. Luke and I shared a smile before he went to pull a hoodie over his frame. As he did this, I took Elijah to put so warm layers on him. I can’t have a freezing baby.

After that was done, I stayed in his room, making faces at him to make him giggle. Before I knew it, a pair of strong arms hook tightly around my waist and his chin came up to rest on my shoulder. I smiled and relaxed against my hubby’s chest.

“Da da da da,” he started babbling again, making me smile.

He held his arms out for Luke and I moved out of the way so that he could have his daddy. I reached up and gave both my gorgeous boys a kiss before we all trudged down the stairs. Just as Luke and I slid our shoes on, there was a knock on the door. I hurried over to open it, knowing exactly who it was. Lauren along with the happy Grant family. I smiled and sent a round of hugs around to everyone.

“Is EJ ready?” Kirstie asked with a huge grin on her face.

“Kirstie, you’re the only one that calls him EJ,” I tried so hard to hold in a giggle, but it came out.

“Cause it sounds like JG,” she said like it was the most common knowledge.

“Only you, Kirstie,” Luke sighed out teasingly as he walked over to buckle our baby boy into the car.

I could tell she wanted so badly to say something back, but she held it in.Because Josh had his arm around her. I mentally laughed and followed my hubby along with Lauren. She said she’d ride with us to entertain Elijah. She loves that little boy. It’s so adorable.

The whole way there, she had that boy in the loudest fits of giggles. I always wanted her and Jeremy to have kids. I teased them so many times when they were dating all the way up to the last time I saw Jeremy. That memory made my smile crack through… and my eyes sting just a little.

As if he could sense it, Luke reached over and took my hand. I brought my eyes up to his and sent him a smile. He countered by bringing my hand up to his lips and leaving a soft kiss. He’s is the cutest thing.

Once we pulled up to the cemetery, I sucked in a big breath before I willed myself to get out. Before he let go, Luke gave my hand a quick squeeze that made me smile… and the power to get out of the truck. He got Elijah out of the car and reached out for my hand. A smile came over me as I grabbed onto it. I reached over for Lauren’s too. She sent me a weak grin also.

Josh and Kirstie walked behind us as I started to approach everyone. Once their eyes shifted towards us, they slowly came over and shared a round of hugs. As they took Elijah from Luke, I went over and hugged onto my hubby. He wrapped his warm around me before leaving a soft kiss on the top of my head.

While everyone was still conversing, I started walking towards Jeremy’s headstone. It’s such a beautiful monument. Luke sat down on the ground with me, keeping his arm tightly around my waist. I let out a sigh and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Ma ma ma ma,” I hear from behind me.

When I looked over my shoulder, Lauren’s walking over with my baby boy in her arms. Once his bright blue eyes laid on me, his whole face lit up and he tried to lunge at me. I smiled and held my arms out for him. He sat in my lap and scanned the area… and then his eyes fell on his uncle’s grave. Now I’m questioning if I should have brought him.

“Can you say uncle?” Luke asked him softly while holding us tightly against him.

Elijah just clapped his little hands together and let out a little squeal, making everyone around chuckle at him. I smiled and bent down to kiss his the top of his head.

“Jeremy would have loved him,” Lauren spoke softly from her spot next to me.

“He would have been so spoiled,” my mom added. “Well, more than he is now,” she added, making everyone around smile.

I just held onto my son tighter, knowing that every word that they said was true. Everyone went on to sit around and share random stories about Jeremy. A few tears fell from my eyes, but it was nothing a hug from Luke couldn’t fix.

Jimmy and Todd even came over to give me a hug. Todd didn’t shock me as much as Jimmy, especially with Luke right there. But they were civil. I loved it. Once everyone had a quick shot of Jack Daniel’s, people started to leave. I stayed back for a little bit longer with my family. Kirstie and Josh stayed too. Kirstie came over and pulled me into a tight hug and held onto me as we looked down at all the roses around the black stone.

‘Thanks for being here,” I told her softly so that only the two of us could here.

“You’re welcome. You know I’d do anything for you,” she replied, making me smile.

Luke and I didn’t stay much longer after this. We had already been here a good two hours. Elijah was getting fussy and Luke’s embrace wasn’t keeping me warm anymore. We said goodbye to everyone and started back for the car. After our baby was buckled into his car seat, I pulled Luke in for a tight hug. An adorable chuckle came out of him as he hugged back.

“Don’t ever leave me,” I said, trying to keep my tears in. I did such a good job of doing that all day, but now that I’m away form everyone, all I can think about is Lauren and Jeremy and how now it’s just… Lauren.

“I won’t leave you, baby. I’m promise,” he said gently into my ear. “I love you and Elijah too much,” he went on with his lips pressed against my forehead.

It’s been a crazy past three years. I’ve had so many highs and way too many lows. But my true friends and family have stuck by me this whole time. I couldn’t ask for a better group of people to be around day in and day out. Even though I may have lost one of the closest people to me, it’s made me value the time I have with the rest of them. I’m going to live my life to the fullest and be the happiest person that I can be… with Jeremy looking down on me and being so proud of his baby sister.