It Is Just A Child's Game

The horizon was painted orange, purple, and blue. The moon was already high in the sky while the sun was dipping behind the rocky mountains. The winter wind was strong and was blowing his light brown locks all over his face. Black Raybans rested on the bridge of his nose as he lay on the hood of his car.

He felt goosebumps arise on his skin as the wind got stronger. He wrapped his arms around his plaid clad torso. He quickly cursed himself for not bringing his trusted leather jacket but then quickly remembered why he didn’t bring it.

It was still with Cahlen.

At the thought of her name, he thought he felt his heart constrict. It was as if there was a heavy weight pressing down on his chest that he just couldn’t get off him. It’s been a week since he saw her last but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been thinking of her. it was because of her that he was lying on the hood of his car in the middle of the desert.

To anyone else, this spot would just blend in with the rest of the desert. To John & Cahlen, it was very special. Neither of them has been here in the nearly four years. Cahlen had come here right before she left but John didn’t know that. John came here right when he heard that she had left but Cahlen didn’t know that.

As he drove, John was worried that he wouldn’t be able to find the spot but he found the telltale sign of three cacti lined up beside each other. After a week of confusion, he decided to come here to clear his head. After all, that was the reason why they found this spot in the first place.

”I don’t understand how we aren’t done with this stupid project.” John exclaimed as he threw his notebook to the ground.

“I am pretty sure it is because every time we meet up, we get distracted.” Cahlen said as she continued to write things done.

“One, don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy those distractions.” John teased her. “Two, what are you even writing?”

“First, no comment.” Cahlen replied causing John to smirk. “Second, this is for the stupid project we haven’t finished.”

John looked over Cahlen’s should and read what she had written on a scrap of paper.

It is impossible for someone else to know you better than you do. You wake up with yourself, eat with yourself, go to classes with yourself, and sleep with yourself. There is no escaping you since you are with you 24/7.

”What’s the point of the project?” John asked, completely baffled by what he just read.

Cahlen slapped his chest and arched an eyebrow at him. Her lips formed a straight line as she stared him down.

“What?” John asked innocently.

“How can you not know?”

“I am John Cornelius O’Callaghan the fifth.” He replied proudly. “How can you expect me to know?”

“The project is about real life foils.” Cahlen explained. “It is about discovering yourself by discovering others. We are supposed to explain how this is seen in our government and other important aspects of our lives.”

“Okay.” John said, taking it in. “I think you missed the point of it, then.”

“I don’t know John!” Cahlen yelled, frustrated. “We are weeks late and we are going nowhere! I don’t even understand why it is so hard! I just want to get it over with!”

“Hey, relax, Annie.” John said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, using the nickname that was entirely his and his alone. “Don’t stress out. Maybe we need some fresh air or something. Clear our heads.”

“We don’t have time for that, John.” Cahlen replied.

“There’s no point of doing something with a cloudy head.” John said. “Come on, let’s just go outside and see where we end up.”

Cahlen nodded and followed John to his car. He led her to the passenger’s seat before taking his own by the steering wheel. He backed out of her driveway and onto the open road.

“So where are we heading to?” John asked Cahlen.

“I thought we were going to see where we end up.” She replied, using his words against him.

The rest of the drive was silent. Cahlen was so stressed and wired but once they reached the open road she relaxed. They drove for miles and miles and found themselves driving by the desert.

“Stop!” Cahlen yelled, causing John to abruptly step on the brakes.

“What?” John asked.

“Look, how often do you see that?” Cahlen asked as she pointed to three cacti lined up beside each other in distance. “I think this is where we are supposed to end up.”

John nodded in response and drove his car off road. He parked his car in line with the cacti that were about a mile or two away. The mountains lay behind them while the sun shone high in the sky.

“Do you have a blanket or something?” Cahlen asked and soon they were sitting beside each other on an old table cloth.

“What’s on your mind, Annie?” John asked after awhile.

“I don’t want to say.” Cahlen replied. “You’ll think it is stupid.”

“No, come on! Tell me.” John encouraged as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder to bring her closer to him.

“I am just worried about my scholarship to Oxford.” Cahlen mumbled. She heard John groan and gently slapped him. “See! I knew you would think it’s stupid.”

“No! I think you worrying about it, is stupid.” John said. “I bet Oxford is just waiting for you to graduate so that they can get their British hands on you.”

As he finished his sentence, he began tickling her which caused her to fall into lying down position. As she lay on the ground, John straddled her to make sure she couldn’t go anywhere.

“Have you learned your lesson, Ms. Anderson?” John asked as he stopped tickling.

Cahlen nodded with a smile on her face but as John looked into her bright blue eyes, he saw sadness.

“What’s wrong?” John asked as he got off her and helped her into a sitting position.

“What do you mean? There’s nothing wrong.” Cahlen replied almost robotically.

John wrapped his arms around her and made her sit on his lap. He stared at the smile that was plastered on her face then into her blue eyes that told a different story.

“Come on, Annie. What’s wrong?” John said.

“I…I…I…” Cahlen began. “I can’t tell you, John.”

“Why not?” John asked.

“I don’t think I can tell anyone.” She said, looking away from him.

“Hey,” he said, holding her chin so that she was looking at him. “Keeping secrets all to yourself isn’t good.”

“I don’t know, John.” Cahlen said cautiously as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me.” John said, seeing how uncomfortable she was getting. “Just don’t let eat it you up.”

“I’ll tell you. Just wait.” She said before taking a deep breath. She let it out slowly and looked straight into his green orbs. “I was in my dad’s office yesterday and I found some papers. I just stumbled across them because I was looking for my old report cards for my scholarship application. Anyway, they were in this brown envelope that had a label ‘Annabelle W. Louisiana’. I thought it was some mistake and it was supposed to say my name. I pulled out the papers and they were…were…”

“If you can’t continue, don’t force yourself.” John said, seeing the tears well up in her eyes.

“They were adoption papers, John.” She mumbled but John heard her loud and clear. “Apparently, Annabelle Louisiana meant Annabelle Wilfred from Louisiana. She was 17 years old and a drug addict. She was part of some gang and got knocked up with me. She was sick and didn’t want me so her parents made her put me up for adoption instead of aborting me. I am adopted, John. I am fucking adopted.”

Shock ran through John’s body. He didn’t know what to do or say. All he could do was wrap his arms around her tighter and not say a word since he knew she wasn’t finished.

“I confronted my parents about it since my dad saw me holding the papers. I yelled at him. I asked him why he never told me. My mom ran in not too long after. I yelled at her. I was so angry at them. You know, my supposed parents. I felt like I am living a lie and that my eighteen years of existence is just a façade. It isn’t like they were bad in raising me or whatever. They could have told me!”

By now, her whole body was shaking and her face was nearly as red as her hair. Tears were freely flowing down from her eyes and her voice was hoarse.

“I asked them why I never met her and then I demanded that I meet her. They told me I couldn’t and that made me even angrier! How could they deny me of seeing my biological mother?! They said she had passed away not too long after I was born. She got into drugs again and got killed somewhere along the way. They said it was for the best that I didn’t know.”

Her bloodshot eyes stared deep into his as she said the next part. All he could do was stare at her. He had never seen her so vulnerable and fragile before. He especially didn’t expect the words coming out of her mouth.

“I don’t know if they were right to do so. I still feel like a big part of my life is missing but I don’t think there is any way they could have done something about it. There’s emptiness in my chest. I just don’t know anything anymore.”

That was when she broke down. Her sobs were loud and uncontrollable. She was gripping onto his soaked shirt as the tears became waterfalls. She was a mess and he could clearly see that. However, he didn’t let her go. He just held on to her tighter. He didn’t let go even when the sun had completely set and she was fast asleep in his arms.

John could never forget that night. It was in that moment that he was one hundred percent sure that their relationship had turned into something purely physical into something serious and emotional. He had felt like it beforehand but it was only then when he saw her in her most vulnerable state that he was sure.

He remembered the feeling her got when he realized their relationship was at a new level. He thought he would be scared and just run away but he didn’t. He was confident in their relationship and was extremely proud that she trusted him. He felt complete.

Things were so complicated now. He couldn’t wrap his mind around everything. He wanted to try again. He wanted to get that feeling that has evaded him for four years now. He wanted to feel complete. Sure, music helped but nothing would be like knowing she was his and he was hers. It was knowledge that she had everything that could break him but the safety knowing she would never do that.

He did it to her though. He ruined everything. He threw everything back in her face. It broke his heart. Why would she want to get back with him after what he did to her?

Anger boiled inside of him, though. What about him? It wasn’t like she was all that innocent! She had a son and apparently it wasn’t his! It doesn’t make sense unless she was sleeping with someone else. They may have never been official but it still hurt.

His head was hurting. As much as he wanted to hater her, he couldn’t. It was all because of one thing that kept ringing in his head. Not once has she ever said that she was Frankie’s mother. She always says that she is his ‘legal guardian’. In fact, he has never even heard Frankie call her mom, mama, or anything of the like. It is always ’Kaykay. Doubt, along with confusion, filled his mind. Nothing made sense to him and he knew that the only way it could become clear again, is if he talks to her again. He couldn’t though. It was just too much. It has taken him years to lock away his feelings for her. If he were to spend more time with her, it would just be the key to ruin everything he worked so hard for.