Status: alive and well :)
Moth to Flame
everything is fine
The days start to run together. Oscar is still talking to me, but he isn’t really saying anything, and Gerard won’t really say anything other than “hey.” He still smiles, but it isn’t the same. I’m afraid that I’ve scared him off by being too honest. I think I liked life better when I kept it all inside.
We’re still driving and the world is just passing me by. I’m beginning to miss my mom and whatever friends I had back when I was normal and living at home. More than anything, I just want to go back in time; maybe do things all over again and try not to fuck everything up.
I don’t know where I went wrong or where things began to unravel. I know there was a time and place before all of this, but I can’t seem to remember it. I don’t remember having any friends other than Oscar and Gerard and I don’t even know why I miss my mother because she was crying all the time or yelling at my father. And it’s sad because I want to remember something else. I want to know that there was a time before now and that my whole life hasn’t been days such as this simply passing me by.
“Can we roll the window down or turn on the air or… I don’t know… something?” Gerard asks from the backseat. He’s stretched out, his head resting against the window. There are small beads of sweat pouring down his forehead and I don’t really blame him for being annoyed because he’s right; it’s pretty fucking hot.
Oscar wipes at his forehead. “The air is on, Gerard,” he says.
I just lean back in my seat. I don’t say anything because I don’t think they care enough to hear my voice. I stare at the window and watch the dirt. It all seems like it’s moving so fast but I know that’s only the car.
“Well, when are we stopping for gas? I need some fucking water.”
“Soon,” Oscar says through his teeth. I glance over at him and I can tell he’s a little pissed off. I don’t know why because Gerard didn’t really do anything. He’s only sweating.
“Holy fuck,” Gerard mumbles, wiping at his face. “Why don’t we just turn off the air and try rolling the windows down?”
Oscar sighs “Fine, Gerard. I’ll turn the air off, okay?”
Once the windows are down I can feel the wind against my face. It reminds me that all of this is real and I’m not just imagining things. It really does feel this bad.
“You’re being awfully quiet, Frankie,” Gerard says from the backseat.
For a moment, I’m shocked that he’s talking to me. “Oh. I’m just… I’m just thinking.”
“About what?”
I don’t want to tell them because it’s embarrassing and I feel stupid for wanting something so unattainable.
“Uh…” I run a hand through my hair wishing things were easier; or wishing that I wasn’t so incapable. “Nothing really. Just stuff.”
“Is everything okay, babe?” Oscar asks, placing his hand on my knee. He seems so concerned and I feel bad because Oscar is amazing and he deserves so much more.
Mostly, I feel bad because I don’t think I love him as much as he loves me. I feel bad because I think about Gerard more than I think about my own boyfriend. I feel bad because, no matter how hard I try, I can’t convince myself that it’s not my fault.
However, I try to smile anyways. “Yeah; everything is fine.”
“You sure?” He turns away from the empty road and looks at me. His eyes are hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll open myself up and allow him to see what’s inside.
The problem is, I don’t want him to see. It’s all just too ugly.
I nod. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Once again, he’s disappointed and it’s all my fault. I look back at Gerard and he looks back at me before shaking his head and I can tell that he’s disappointed too. I sink into my seat and close my eyes.
We’re still driving and the world is just passing me by. I’m beginning to miss my mom and whatever friends I had back when I was normal and living at home. More than anything, I just want to go back in time; maybe do things all over again and try not to fuck everything up.
I don’t know where I went wrong or where things began to unravel. I know there was a time and place before all of this, but I can’t seem to remember it. I don’t remember having any friends other than Oscar and Gerard and I don’t even know why I miss my mother because she was crying all the time or yelling at my father. And it’s sad because I want to remember something else. I want to know that there was a time before now and that my whole life hasn’t been days such as this simply passing me by.
“Can we roll the window down or turn on the air or… I don’t know… something?” Gerard asks from the backseat. He’s stretched out, his head resting against the window. There are small beads of sweat pouring down his forehead and I don’t really blame him for being annoyed because he’s right; it’s pretty fucking hot.
Oscar wipes at his forehead. “The air is on, Gerard,” he says.
I just lean back in my seat. I don’t say anything because I don’t think they care enough to hear my voice. I stare at the window and watch the dirt. It all seems like it’s moving so fast but I know that’s only the car.
“Well, when are we stopping for gas? I need some fucking water.”
“Soon,” Oscar says through his teeth. I glance over at him and I can tell he’s a little pissed off. I don’t know why because Gerard didn’t really do anything. He’s only sweating.
“Holy fuck,” Gerard mumbles, wiping at his face. “Why don’t we just turn off the air and try rolling the windows down?”
Oscar sighs “Fine, Gerard. I’ll turn the air off, okay?”
Once the windows are down I can feel the wind against my face. It reminds me that all of this is real and I’m not just imagining things. It really does feel this bad.
“You’re being awfully quiet, Frankie,” Gerard says from the backseat.
For a moment, I’m shocked that he’s talking to me. “Oh. I’m just… I’m just thinking.”
“About what?”
I don’t want to tell them because it’s embarrassing and I feel stupid for wanting something so unattainable.
“Uh…” I run a hand through my hair wishing things were easier; or wishing that I wasn’t so incapable. “Nothing really. Just stuff.”
“Is everything okay, babe?” Oscar asks, placing his hand on my knee. He seems so concerned and I feel bad because Oscar is amazing and he deserves so much more.
Mostly, I feel bad because I don’t think I love him as much as he loves me. I feel bad because I think about Gerard more than I think about my own boyfriend. I feel bad because, no matter how hard I try, I can’t convince myself that it’s not my fault.
However, I try to smile anyways. “Yeah; everything is fine.”
“You sure?” He turns away from the empty road and looks at me. His eyes are hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll open myself up and allow him to see what’s inside.
The problem is, I don’t want him to see. It’s all just too ugly.
I nod. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Once again, he’s disappointed and it’s all my fault. I look back at Gerard and he looks back at me before shaking his head and I can tell that he’s disappointed too. I sink into my seat and close my eyes.
♠ ♠ ♠
updatteee :Dsorry it took so long.