Moth to Flame

It’s hard to know exactly how much has changed. It seems as if everything has remained the same aside from longer hair and more life experience. Gerard can still read me like a book and I still wish I knew what was running through that head of his. He never told me the whole story; only enough to ease my mind.

When we were just kids in high school I was naïve enough to believe that everything was okay. I believed that I really was happy and that, even though life wasn’t perfect, it was okay. I simply didn’t notice the things I didn’t care to see. Things like my father sneaking off in the middle of the night to have sex with his secretary or Gerard popping pills he didn’t need to take.

I didn’t see them because they didn’t fit inside of the perfect world I’d created for myself. I’d painted a rosy picture for everyone else and I wanted to see it too.

It wasn’t all bad though. I had Oscar.

Oscar was just as nice then as he is now. He held me as I cried when my parents split up. He took my hand in his and told me I’d never have to go through something like that because I was so good. Bad things like that didn’t happen to good people. At least that’s what Oscar told me.

He lied to me when I couldn’t handle the truth.

Gerard smoked a cigarette and told me it was bound to happen. “I took one look at your parents,” he said as he exhaled smoke. “And I knew they weren’t gonna last. They didn’t love each other right…” He looked at me apologetically and tapped the ash into an old Slurpee cup. “I know it sucks, Frankie, but it’s the truth. Love can’t last forever… not for everyone.”

Gerard told me the truth, especially when I was too afraid to hear it.

I remember that time we got drunk in his backyard. It was the night before he hanged himself. We were lying in the grass and we were laughing and I remember I told him that he was my best friend.

“What about Oscar?” He asked me. “He’s not your best friend?”

I shook my head, staring up at the stars. “No,” I answered, simply. “He’s not.”

And then I looked to Gerard and he smiled and I smiled back and it all just felt right. I felt like I was supposed to kiss him that night under the stars. I didn’t care that I probably wouldn’t have remembered it the next day. All I knew was the feeling of his lips against mine and the taste of vodka and grape popsicles swimming around the inside of my mouth.

It’s amazing, kissing your best friend.

It wasn’t like it was the first time. Gerard and I had fooled around before, but it was different. Not like this. Even though we were drunk, I knew what I was doing. I thought about Oscar and, in that moment, I didn’t care.

“I love you,” I told him as I stared into his eyes, a goofy smile on my lips. “I do. I love you.”

Gerard shook his head, his hands resting on my hips. “No you don’t,” he said. “You have Oscar. You love Oscar.”

I didn’t care that he’d basically told me that I was lying. I only chuckled and quickly kissed his lips. “Do you love me too, Gee?”

Gerard looked away and sighed knowing that he could never lie to me; not even if he wanted to. “Yeah,” he answered. “I do.”

I relaxed, and settled myself on top of my best friend. I kissed the corner of his mouth and sighed before telling him that I wanted to stay like that forever.

Perhaps he thought I didn’t remember anything, and that’s why he never brought it up. Maybe he knew that I didn’t have the heart to break things off with Oscar. Another possibility is that he simply didn’t care enough to try anything other than friendship and the odd two A.M. hookup in the backyard.

All I know is that when I woke up the next day everything was as it had always been.
I got dressed and told him I’d see him around; I had to meet Oscar. Gerard seemed fine, so I left. Everything was fine.

And then it wasn’t.

I called him and he didn’t pick up. I texted and he never answered. I called and again and talked the electronic woman who took all of his messages. I stopped by his house and the light was on in his bedroom. For some reason, he’d left the front door open. Maybe he wanted me to find him.

All I know is that everything seemed fine that morning... and then it wasn't.