Hate Is All I've Known

Maybe saying I disliked the Philadelphia Flyers was an understatement. Maybe I was being a bit too nice for stating my feelings about them that way.

To a Pittsburgher they were utter trash; the team you would turn the cold shoulder to when they walked past. I mean, we didn't call them Filthadelphia for nothing.

Through my thirteen years of hatred for our Keystone State rivals, I knew that nothing could change my feelings of utter bitterness and rage towards them.

Boy, was I wrong.

Maybe the mightier power put him into my life to reverse my relentless feeling of hatred. Maybe it was to reverse the feelings in an attempt to teach me to love.

That's just dumb.

When it came to things I liked and disliked I never changed my mind. I was stubborn, I was opinionated, and I was, what some people would call, inflexible; they couldn't bend my views into something different. I loathed change.

Until he showed me it wasn't so bad.

The day I got a callback from the Flyers after submitting a resume for the Athletic Training position was the day I felt as though all of the bottled up feelings of disgust were going to somehow spill over, ruining everything I had worked for. I was determined not to let that happen. "Act professional and push those feelings aside", I'd always tell myself.

And that's exactly what I did.

Yes, it was difficult to bite my tongue every day at work; ignoring catcalls, acting as though every glance I caught of Scott Hartnell didn't make me want to shoot myself in the face. But I did it. I hid emotions and held back snide remarks towards my clients, as I'd called them; pains in my ass's would have been too suspicious. All of this holding back was starting to take a toll on me.

Until he allowed me to release what had been hidden for so long.

Jeff Carter didn't judge me, he didn't wolf-whistle like the rest of them did, and he would always smile even though he knew he would never get one in return. I felt as though he could see through the cover I had draped over myself; almost as though he could sense something was off. But I wasn't going to falter. I was going to stand my ground and resist letting him into my life; to open up the chest of secrets I kept within, per se. He would never get me to open up to him.

Or could he?



"This place looks like prison more and more every day."

I mumbled to myself incoherently after the statement left my mouth, my gaze lingering on the building in front of me as I sat in my car. I sighed and gripped the steering wheel with my right hand, bringing my gaze down to stare at the key less ignition, warming up to the idea of just going back home across the state and never having to come back.

Get a hold of yourself, Devon. I bit my lip and looked over at my training bag sitting on the seat next to me. I stared intently at it and then grabbed hold of the strap, opening the door of my Hummer and getting out. If there was one thing I was good for it was never backing down from a challenge.

And this job and those guys were proving to be one.

I pressed the lock button on my keys and heard the familiar beep of the car locking itself, trudging my way towards the front door of the hell hole they called an arena the arena where I called my home away from home away from home. Wow, I need a new name for work.

I opened the door to the arena and stepped in, instantly feeling the temperature drop slightly. I walked down the all too familiar route to my office located inside of the training room, unlocking the doors and realizing the other trainer hadn't yet arrived. With a flick of the light switch the dark room illuminated, showing the spotless training room in all its glory.

I hitched my bag onto my shoulder and then grabbed the door stopper, dropping it to the ground and then shoving it in place with my foot. I stood back and looked at the door, placing my hands on my hips. I should leave the door locked that way none of them would get in here and there'd surely be a riot because Briere didn't get his ice.

I smiled smugly to myself at the thought and then chuckled lightly, shaking my head and walking to the back of the room towards my office, throwing my bag into the corner and sitting down.

"You're here early."

I looked up and saw Jim walking towards me, fumbling with the zipper on his bag as he did so. I rolled my eyes at the faces he made in concentration and leaned my arms on my desk. "Yeah, well, you have to be here early to treat the fragile squad, you know? Don't want them going out there and breaking something."

Jim nodded at me and smiled widely in triumph when he unzipped the bag. "Yep, don't want them getting their faces broken. We need them to break the opposing faces."

Jim shot a grin at me and I rolled my eyes as I placed my chin on my fist. "So, any paperwork today? You know how excited I get when it comes to filing."

Jim let out a laugh as he sat down on one of the training tables in front of the open door to my office, swinging his legs. "Well, you're going to be heartbroken when I tell you there is none then, Dev."

"I'm crushed." I sat back in my seat and placed a hand to my face, faking a loud sob. Jim let out another chorus of laughs as I removed my arm from my face and smirked at him, hearing someone walk into the room.

"You two talking shit about me again?" Danny Carcillo walked towards the table Jim was occupying and crossed his arms, shooting looks between the two of us. If only I could. I'd have you crying on the floor like the worthless-

"Of course not, Dan. What's up?" I plastered a smile on my face and Danny's gaze shot to me, shrugging his shoulders and sitting on the other training table. "Nothing. Just thought I'd chat with you guys since nobody's here yet."

Joy. I stretched my arms above my head and felt the bones in my shoulders give a relieving crack, crossing them over my chest as Jim and Dan started in on their own conversation.

I reached over to my bag on the floor and took out my laptop, opening it as Jeff entered my office. "Morning, Devon."

I looked up at Jeff and saw him smiling broadly down at me, my own face staying frozen in a bored expression. "Morning to you, too, Jeff."

Jeff continued to smile at me as he sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk, slouching down into a comfortable sitting position as I brought my gaze back down to the screen of my laptop. The guy radiates so much goddam happiness you would have thought he played the over-enthusiastic sun on a children's show.

"I never got to ask you," Jeff trailed off and I looked up in time to see him drag his chair closer to my desk, leaning his arms on the desktop and continuing to smile at me. "How come you never smile at me?"

I stared at him as he began to make faces at me, poking his cheeks with his fingers in an attempt to humor me. After failed attempts he sighed, scooching the chair back to its original place and standing up, waving at me as he began to walk out of the room. "I guess I'll see you later-"

Jeff's foot got caught on one of the legs of the chair and he fell face first to the floor, a loud thud echoing through my office. Both Jim and Dan had stopped talking abruptly to look over at Jeff still lying on the floor. I slowly stood up from my seat to look over my desk at Jeff's body lying motionless on the floor. "You okay there, Jeff?"

A frustrated, mumbled "fine!" could be heard from Jeff and I nodded, sitting back down in my seat.

I cracked an actual half smile for the first time since I'd been there.



"Are they fighting again? Goddam," Jim let out an exasperated sigh from beside me as I watched Jody Shelley get into it once again with Colton Orr. "I'm not going to have any stitches left for his bloody mess!"

I let out a snort as Colton landed a solid punch to the side of Jody's head, blood beginning to spill from the newly opened cut. "Calm yourself, Jim. You're going to give yourself a hernia."

Some of the players sitting in front of me snorted in between their shouts of encouragement and excitement towards Jody. And with a name like that he needs it. Wonder what childhood was like for him-

"Dev I'm going back to get the supplies ready in the training room. Just tell Jody to walk back when the fight's over." I nodded at Jim as he walked out of sight down the runway, leaving me there to tend to the players that plummeted to the ice with an injury if there was one when play resumed.

Jody fought back with a solid punch of his own that rocked Colton making him lose his balance and fall to the ice with Jody landing on top of him. The crowd erupted into loud cheers as Jody stood up with help from the referee, skating over to the bench and wringing his wrists. I caught his gaze and motioned towards the runway. "Jim's waiting for you in the training room."

Jody nodded at me and proceeded down the runway, receiving slaps on the back in appreciation as he did so from the players he passed on the bench. I looked up at the scoreboard and saw that there was still just over ten minutes to play in the second period. I blew a strand of hair from my face and looked out to the ice, watching the battle for the puck in the Leafs' zone.

Mike Richards corralled the puck onto his stick and skated away from the chaos, positioning himself in front of the net as two of the Leafs' defencemen skated into his line of fire. Mike skated backwards a bit and then brought his stick back to shoot, only to be knocked to the ice violently when Kris Versteeg landed a solid blindside hit to the towering captain.

The entire bench stood up in front of me in rage while the players out on the ice began confronting Kris, earning the attention of the Leafs' players. Through the chaos I could see Jeff grab the front of Kris's jersey, dragging him away from the mob and then challenging him. Gloves and sticks were thrown to the ice as the other players slowly dispersed, leaving the two room to tango.

Jeff removed his helmet and threw it to the ice, raising his fists as Kris threw his own helmet to the ice. The two skated towards each other and grabbed each others jerseys, flailing around in a circle until Jeff got his arm free and landed a few sloppy hits to the side of Kris's head. The two continued to circle the ice, still locked with each other, and then began fighting to break free from the others grasp. Kris somehow managed to pull his right arm free and landed a solid blow to Jeff's head making him stumble a bit, but allowing him to keep his balance. Jeff made a grab for Kris's arm when out of nowhere he landed a punch square to Jeff's face knocking him backwards and sending them both falling to the ice. The refs immediately separated the two and pulled them to their skates, allowing Jeff to skate to the bench for repairs.

As he skated closer to the bench I saw the blood beginning to stain his face from the cut above his left eyebrow. I scrunched my nose as his teammates allowed him through the bench door and I walked over to him, grabbing hold of his arm and leading him back to the training room.

We walked into the room and I sat him down on the unoccupied training table, the other being occupied by Jody who was finishing up the stitching to the side of his head. He looked over at Jeff and smiled. "Nice one, Carter."

Jeff gave him a weary smile and then watched me as I walked over to him with the supplies needed to close the gash on his forehead. "This'll hurt, but hold still so I don't gouge your eye out with the sewing needle."

Jeff made a face at me as Jim shook his head, cutting off the string to Jody's stitches and telling him he was free to go back to the bench. I grabbed the needle and thread from the box of supplies and lightly threaded the needle, tying a knot at the other end. Jeff's eyes watched my hand as I raised it to his face, going cross-eyed in an attempt to see my hand above his eyebrow. I shook my head at him and inserted the needle into his skin, feeling him jump a bit. "Ow, ow, ow!"

"Jeff calm down!" His hand shot up in an attempt to push the needle away and I growled, pushing his hand down with my left hand. "Just please stay still. For me?"

Jeff's eyes slowly met my own and then his hand fell limply to his side, allowing me to continue stitching up his wound. I stared at the stitching work in concentration, taking the time to stitch it right. I felt Jeff's eyes remain locked on me as I worked making my insides tighten as a feeling of insecurity washed over me.

Wait. Insecurity? I've never allowed that to falter me...

"You're all done, Jeff." I cut the thread at the end of the line of stitches and threw it in the trash, snapping off my rubber gloves and then placing the supplies back in the cabinet. When I turned around I saw Jeff still sitting on the training table, still staring at me, but with a look as though he couldn't figure something out.

"Jeff you can go-"

"Why don't you ever smile?"

His sudden and aggressive question caught me off guard for a brief second, but I snapped out of it, sighing in frustration for having to hear that question asked once again. "I don't know, Jeff. I guess I just never feel like it-"

"Why not?"

I brought my eyes to meet his and saw his face harden, determined to get to the bottom of whatever it was he was trying to find out. I shrugged. "I really don't know, Jeff-"

"You can tell me. It seems like you hate being here or something-"

"Jeff it's time to go back out onto the ice before you miss the rest of the game."

I grabbed his arm and hauled him off of the training table, pushing him back down the runway and towards the benches, not allowing him to ask any more questions.



Ding-dong!

My eyebrows scrunched as I heard the doorbell to my apartment ring, wondering who the heck could be visiting at night. I walked slowly over to the door and unlocked it, opening the door and having someone walk past me into the house as soon as it was opened. "Come in?"

I turned around and glared at Jeff as he looked around my apartment, spinning once to get a view of the whole room. "Nice place you've got, Dev."

"Jeff what the fudgecicles are you doing here?" I slammed the door shut and then crossed my arms, tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for him to explain his unwelcomed presence.

He shrugged and then tapped his finger to his chin looking at the ceiling. "Mmm, fugecicles. Do you have any in the freezer-"

"Jeff focus!" His mouth slammed shut and his gaze met mine, now showing seriousness within them.

I sighed and then looked down at my clothes, realizing I was standing there in nothing but shorts and a tank top. I slapped my arms to my sides and then threw them slightly up, shooting my eyes to the ceiling. Wonderful. I look like a mess and Jeff decides to show up now. I felt the feeling of insecurity wash over me again and I raised an eyebrow, looking down at the floor as I crossed my arms. Wait. Why do I care and why is that feeling coming back?

"In all seriousness, Dev, I really want to know what's going on." Jeff's strong voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up at him, seeing him watching me closely. "What do you mean-"

"You're hiding something." Jeff pointed a finger at me and I panicked, shooting my eyes around the room as he walked closer to me. I shook my head at him as he continued to point at me. "Yes, you are. I can tell, Dev."

His hands went to grab for my shoulders and I ducked out of the reach of his grasp, walking quickly over to the couch in my living room. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Jeff. Everything's fine-"

"Don't give me that crap," He followed me over to the couch and sat down next to me, grabbing my arm as I tried to get up. "Why won't you open up to me?"

He pulled my arm so that my body would twist to face him, my gaze staying glued to the floor. My arm began to feel as though it was on fire under his touch and I didn't understand why.

"Devon, please look at me." My gaze remained on the floor as Jeff's voice took on a pleading sense. I felt a finger under my chin forcing me to look up. I shut my eyes tightly as Jeff sighed, removing his finger from under my chin and grabbing both of my hands. My eyes shot open as I looked down at our interlocked hands, my heart rate beginning to increase. I tentatively brought my gaze up to meet Jeff's confused face, feeling a tinge of guilt sweep through me.

He squeezed my hands in his and I felt my insides tighten again. "I just want to understand what's bothering you, Dev. It kills me not to know just because I-"

He broke off his sentence suddenly and shook his head, breaking eye contact with me and staring to his right. "It's stupid. Just forget it."

He seemed to be angry with himself and I scrunched my eyebrows together, watching him as he bit his lip impatiently. Against my will I forced myself to question him, feeling like it was the right thing to do. "What?"

He shook his head at me and I glared, watching as his gaze remained to his right. I released his hands and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him to look at me and accidentally bringing his face extremely close in proximity to mine in the process. "Tell me right now, Jeff Carter."

He stared at me as I glared at him, now feeling the butterflies swarm into my stomach to see his face that close. He retreated a bit and returned my glare. "You tell me, Devon Brooks."

I glared harder at him and then let out an annoyed sigh, releasing his shoulders and slapping my palms to my face. "I hate it here!"

I felt Jeff jump in surprise, but I continued, not being able to hold back what I'd kept inside for so long. "I hate this team, I hate the players, I hate it, Jeff!"

I felt tears begin to stream down my face from all of the emotion spilling out all at once, my mind racing a hundred miles a minute. I heard Jeff mumble a "damn" under his breath and then felt him place a hand on my arm. "Dev, stop crying."

He released his hand from my arm and then grabbed my hands away from my face, watching as my eyes opened, still continuing to overflow with tears. He looked at me with sincerity written all over his face as I continued to sob, his hands still clutching my own.

"I don't know what to say to that," I looked away from him and he sighed. "You don't hate me do you?"

I slowly brought my gaze up to look at him and I bit my lip. I didn't hate him did I? He's the only one that's acted this sincere towards me. He's too nice to hate. But he's a Flyer, Dev. You loathe Flyers!

I banished the thought of hating Jeff because of what team he played for and shook my head at him. "No."

He smiled lightly at me and then squeezed my hands. "Good. Then I'm sure I can help you to begin to love-"

"I won't ever love this team. I've hated it for too long, Jeff." His face fell when the reality of my words hit him, but then he brought the smile back to his face, his eyes now trying to read the emotion in mine. "Could you try to love me?"

I stared at him, confused at the words he had just spoken. "What do you mean?"

His face went timid and he looked as though he felt he had gone too far. He sighed and then shook his head, his eyes locking onto mine as he squeezed my hands tighter in his. "I care about you, Devon, a lot more than you know. The only reason I kept pursuing the answer to why you wouldn't smile was because I felt some kind of unknown connection with you. I felt like I had to solve the mystery of why you were never happy-go-lucky," He sighed once again and then locked his eyes back onto mine. "I've now realized I'm in love with you, Devon Brooks."

I let the meaning in his words sink in and I stared at him in shock. He loves me. How can that be when I've been so ignorant to him? How could he like someone like me that pushes him away every time he tries to get close? But then I can believe him just because he does keep coming back to me no matter how many times I neglect him.

"I don't know what to say, Jeff." I bit my lip and he cracked a small smile.

"How about, I care for you, Jeff? We could start there."

"I don't know. I mean, that's a lot to take in-"

He didn't allow me to finish as he grabbed my face and smashed his lips to my own, catching me off guard and making my eyes go wide. I soon gave in to how right it felt and kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck as his wrapped around my torso. He pulled back slightly and smiled, looking down at me as I looked up at him. "Could you ever love a Flyer?"

I smiled a real genuine smile and laughed, squeezing my arms tightly around his neck.

"I think I could try."