Falling Apart For You
Broken
There’s a rumour going around. It’s nothing new, there are always rumours going around. This one’s different. It’s about Jamie. Not me and Jamie, but just . . . Jamie. Wait, no. Jamie and his new beau. What makes it into gossip is the fact that it proves he’s gay – or bisexual – because his new beau is a guy. This further proves that Jamie is gay, and gives Jared full proof evidence to bash Jamie even harder, forgetting my demands for him to stop.
I decide to ignore it. I try to tell myself it’s just a rumour and may not be the truth. I try to leave it behind me. It’s just that everyone keeps looking at me, trying to see my reaction to this new information. In the halls, everyone turns my way. In class, they keep glancing at me. They don’t even try to hide the fact that they are putting me at an uncomfortable and irritating position. The constant reminder when everyone is just waiting to witness the gay football player explode with anger because they think Jamie’s my ex, when he’s really just a crush, is really the thing that’s raising my anger levels. I’d love to tell them all off, but I can’t. I might get detention and that’ll interrupt football practice after school, and Coach won’t be happy.
It’s just a rumour.
Only a rumour.
The only reason Jamie gave me to explain why he’s not interested in me is because he’s not gay. How many times has he told me and yelled at me that he’s not gay? He’s repeated it many times, continuously reminding me that I have no fucking chance with him. He had to go through great lengths to finally convince me that he’s not gay. Those lengths hurt me pretty badly, but I gave up and that’s what he wants. No, he wants me gone, so I left. I’m still not fully convinced that he’s straight; I just gave up because he’s hurting me too much. Not even a muscled football player can stand that kind of pain. I don’t think anyone can.
I have another football game today. It’s tonight, and after our win – which everyone has decided that our team will win – we will get our heads high and drunk until we pass the fuck out. And those are in the words of Cody. I’m not much of a drinker or doing anything harmful to my body because that ruins my muscle development, but once Jared reminds me of that one specific rumour, all my morals fly out the window.
“Go get ‘em, Parker!” My Coach gives my rear a slight slap before I hit the field. Pulling my headgear over my face, I get into position. I look up at my opponent, a big violently built guy. And now is the time to fear for my life. I might be well built, but I’m not some crazy bodybuilding freak like this one, but it’s no time to back out. I can’t when everyone in the stands are watching us and waiting for the big win. The rumour has embarrassed me enough, I don’t need this to, too.
Cody calls out numbers and snaps the ball. I run forwards as far and fast as my feet can take me. I occasionally look back to see if Nick’s ready to pass the ball to my open hands, yet watching everywhere else around me to avoid any tacklers. Nick’s sees me open and takes a long shot in my direction. I’m too focused on receiving the ball that I don’t see anyone charge at me in full force until I feel it. I feel my forearm snap and a loud cry leaving my mouth, the crowd’s gasp mixing with the referee’s whistle.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” I breathe heavily, my other arm holding my excruciatingly painful arm tightly while I hiss in pain.
I see the shadows overcrowd as my teammates look closer to inspect and give a distasteful moan. “Ooh, that’s gotta hurt.”
“You fucking think?!” I scream at them, just as the paramedics and Coach Hunter kneel beside me, shooing away the others.
I groan when the paramedics lightly squeeze different parts of my arm. “Fractured arm. We’re going to have to take you to the hospital, alright?”
“Collin,” Coach sighs worriedly. “We can handle it, okay? Just go get healed as fast as you can before football season ends.” He nods to the paramedics who take the pleasure of lifting me up on a gurney.
Well, isn’t this just embarrassing? Not only did I miss the obvious pass and get tackled, I also broken a fucking bone and am being pulled across the field in a stretcher. How fucking great.
-------
My x-ray scans show the middle of my forearm with a black crack as thick as a fine point Sharpie marker’s lining.
“A month.”
“What?!” I yell at the doctor.
He gently wraps fibreglass around my arm and looks up at me through his thick-rimmed glasses. “I know this will interfere with football, but you’re going to have to stay off of any physical activity for thirty days. If not, you’ll feel the pain and the healing process will be disrupted.”
I groan in frustration. It’s just pure bad luck to get a broken bone during football season and in the middle of a game. Leave it to God to grant me this beautiful incident.
The game finished a few hours ago and most of my buddies are here to support me. I don’t know what for, but at least I have company. We won the game and as happy as I should be, I’m not. I guess it’s because they won without me. I’m sure it’s because I wasn’t there. I’m slacking again and Coach Hunter and the others aren’t appreciating it. At least they got a break from me and won. It would’ve been nice if I were the one to score the winning touchdown, but the credit goes to Clay.
The guys and I have been sitting in my room for a few minutes after the doctor has left. Christina shows up, acting like a worried girlfriend, as if she has a right to. Nick threatens her to leave, lifting a fist to her face, and she squeaks, scurrying off to wherever. I know Nick, and Nick would never hit a girl.
It feels like normal again. Like before they found out about my sexuality. I like it like this, all calm and joking with laughter that isn’t laced with tension. That only lasts a good twenty minutes before Jamie shows up at the door. His face screws up with distress and terror as he sees Jared and the rest. Lifting his gaze to me, he asks quietly, “Can I talk to you? Privately?”
I nod at the others and they say their goodbye’s before departing to the parties. I look back at Jamie, straight-faced. “Yeah?”
He takes slow steps forwards until he reaches the side of my bed. He avoids my any eye contact with me, preferring to stare at the bed sheets. “So what happened out there?”
“I got tackled and broke my bone. Next question.”
“Don’t be such an asshole. I thought you died or something. I was worried.”
“Who cares?” I shrug off. “You definitely shouldn’t.”
“Yeah, I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”
I don’t know what to say to that. No, wait, scratch that. I have a million things to say to that, starting with telling him that he’s hurting me by lying to me that he cares. I still like him, I find out after hearing him express his worries about me. I don’t want to like him, but I do, just as he shouldn’t care, but he says he does. Not that I believe him, but it’s a good comparison.
I shift my weight to get more comfortable and my injured arm – completed with a cast signed by all my teammates – lifts to tuck a blanket under. Jamie flinches harshly and backs away at my action.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Jamie. I would never hurt you.”
He finally looks into my eyes, giving my full access to his emotions. I can feel misery radiating from his eyes. “Then why do you let Jared?”
I don’t answer that. I don’t even try to answer it. I don’t want Jamie to know why. To know that I let Jared hurt him because it’s my version of payback for the pain Jamie has put me – and still puts me – through. No one knows that, and I won’t let anyone find out. I guess I’m just heartless that way.
“We can be friends.” Jamie suggests. “Like hang out and stuff, without all the abuse.”
I look at him with a blank stare. “No, I don’t want to be friends.”
“Why not?”
“It’d be easier on me if we weren’t.”
“Why do you make things so complicated?”
I laugh dryly. “Looks who’s talking. The boy who knows I have a crush on him, denies being gay, kills my feelings, and comes back with a boyfriend.”
“What?” Jamie looks at me wide-eyed.
“Heard you got a boyfriend.” I say, focusing all my attention towards a loose string on the hospital’s blanket. Truthfully, that string is the last thing on my mind.
“I guess, yeah.”
I suck in a short breath air, gulping down nothing, feeling like my Adam’s apple is keeping me from properly breathing. My lungs hurt, my heart, my whole chest hurts. “Oh,” Tears prickle at my eyes and my nose strings. My throat feels swollen. “You have a boyfriend.” I verify for my sake, because fuck, I don’t feel like being alive right about now.
“Y-yeah.” he confirms. “His name’s Tay–”
“Do you want me gone, is that what you want?” I cut in. “Like all dead, corpse lying in a coffin, name engraved on my tombstone–”
“What the hell, Collin?” Jamie interrupts. “Don’t talk like that. I don’t want you gone! I like you better alive.”
“Then you must be sadistic, yeah?”
“What?”
My hands clench into fists by my side, reluctant tears sneakily slipping out from under my eyes. “You like hurting me.”
“What about you, huh?” Jamie growls with ferocity. “You like watching your friend beat me up every-fucking-day?”
I abruptly sit up, ignoring the pain in my arm, and stare into Jamie’s eyes. My eyebrows scrunch up above my burning eyes. “I love you and you know that, telling me we can’t even try a relationship because you’re not gay. ‘I’M NOT GAY, COLLIN!’ Remember that, Jamie? You always screamed it at me. I remember it because it’s been etched into the very core of my fucking brain. I can’t let go of you, no matter how fucking hard I try, and then I hear that you have a boyfriend?!”
“It’s not like that!” Jamie screams back, two meters from my bed. “My boyfriend doesn’t have friends that abuse me on a regular basis!”
I slump against my bed, tears not even straining to hold back. I turn my head away from Jamie, whispering, “To bad painkillers can’t get rid of emotional agony.”
-------
I’m off of school for a week. It’s recommended that I get bed rest and treat my arm lightly. My mom takes all precautions, treating me like the little child she thinks I am, believing that I’m not capable of taking care of myself. She says that dad will be home in two days, and how he’s disappointed about my arm. No, he’s not worried, but disappointed. On the bright side, he’s not as angry as I suspected he would be.
“Hey, Collin. Here’s your homework.” A light thump sounds from the other side of my room as Jamie makes his rounds of dropping off my work from school. I don’t respond to him. I keep my back facing him, pretending he doesn’t exist. I can’t love someone who doesn’t exist.
“Fine, don’t talk to me.” Jamie mumbles. “Just stop being a jerk, and get over yourself.” With that he leaves me to my silent room, suddenly so empty and blank, like how I feel.
It’s you I have to get over.
I stay in my room, contemplating what it holds. How it holds everything that illustrates my life; pictures of memories from when I was a baby up until now wedged between my mirror’s frame, my collection of comic strips that I cut out from the daily newspaper and kept in a shoe box when I was in elementary school, my stash of Playgirl hidden in the closet, oh the irony. This room holds my life and yet, I don’t want to be here. As childish as this may sound, Jamie has tainted my room with his sadism, the room that holds my life. Every time I go somewhere, something will let my mind trace it back to Jamie. And now my room has the power to do that.
-------
I sneak out of my house, careful about passing my mother who’s in the kitchen, annoying one of our maids by constantly asking questions about the food that’s being cooked. Once I get passed the front door, the hard part is done and all I have to do now is go somewhere where I’ll feel free, not that it’s hard since I felt trapped in my room.
I end up at Peggy’s Ice Cream Shop only four blocks down. I absently poke the icescream in the cup with my spoon while I start people-watching. It somewhat calms my nerves. That is, until I begin to notice that I’m judging people’s appearance based on how much they resemble Jamie.
And God starts mocking me when he summons Jamie to pass by the park located across the street. He’s with another boy, I’m guessing his boyfriend. Jamie’s wearing blue jeans and a red polo shirt that clashes with the black skinny jeans and a tight bright yellow shirt his boyfriend is wearing. His boyfriend’s black fringe is longer than the rest of his hair and it’s covering half his face. How he sees through that, I’ll never know.
To my displeasure, Jamie spots me and smiles wide, tugging his boyfriend’s hand as they approach me. Jamie and his boyfriend reach me before I have a chance to run out of there.
“Hey, Collin!” Jamie says in a vibrant tone. Must be because he’s with his other half. His beloved. His full heart. His lover. “I dropped off your homework, but you weren’t there and your mom started freaking out, and I decided to leave before she started to integrate me.”
I release a grunt in reply, not bothering to acknowledge Jamie’s boyfriend.
“This!” Jamie gestures widely with his arms. “Is Taylor.”
“’Sup?” I nod. I feel so awkward and unattractive with this stupid, colourful cast on my fucking arm. Without it, I could’ve pulled off looking intimidating.
“Hey,” Taylor replies, still holding hands with Jamie, which I am very aware of.
“You know,” I say, shoving my hands in my jeans pocket, and looking at Taylor. “Jamie will fuck you up, too. If you start to fall for him, you’re giving him full control to fuck you over.”
“What the fuck, Collin?” Jamie growls. He lets go of Taylor’s hand and clutches onto his arm, pulling him away from me as if I’ll convince Taylor how horrible Jamie is.
I shrug apathetically. “You’ll slowly turn suicidal and emo.” I give Taylor’s clothes another glance. “Though, I think you got emo all perfect so far.”
“Such a fucking asshole.” Jamie mutters before grabbing Taylor’s arm and dragging him down the sidewalk. “Sorry, about him, he’s just . . .” His voice disappears in the distance as he explains why I’m an asshole. No, he can’t properly explain it because he doesn’t know why. He might, but he wouldn’t tell Taylor the truth. I’m sure he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his boyfriend.
But why am I doing this? All I’m doing is pushing Jamie away. Is that what I want? To push him away so that it’ll make it easier for me to get over him? Will it make it easier to get over him if I pushed him away? I don’t know what to do. Right now would be a great time for God to bring me a friend to listen and help me solve my problem.
I decide to ignore it. I try to tell myself it’s just a rumour and may not be the truth. I try to leave it behind me. It’s just that everyone keeps looking at me, trying to see my reaction to this new information. In the halls, everyone turns my way. In class, they keep glancing at me. They don’t even try to hide the fact that they are putting me at an uncomfortable and irritating position. The constant reminder when everyone is just waiting to witness the gay football player explode with anger because they think Jamie’s my ex, when he’s really just a crush, is really the thing that’s raising my anger levels. I’d love to tell them all off, but I can’t. I might get detention and that’ll interrupt football practice after school, and Coach won’t be happy.
It’s just a rumour.
Only a rumour.
The only reason Jamie gave me to explain why he’s not interested in me is because he’s not gay. How many times has he told me and yelled at me that he’s not gay? He’s repeated it many times, continuously reminding me that I have no fucking chance with him. He had to go through great lengths to finally convince me that he’s not gay. Those lengths hurt me pretty badly, but I gave up and that’s what he wants. No, he wants me gone, so I left. I’m still not fully convinced that he’s straight; I just gave up because he’s hurting me too much. Not even a muscled football player can stand that kind of pain. I don’t think anyone can.
I have another football game today. It’s tonight, and after our win – which everyone has decided that our team will win – we will get our heads high and drunk until we pass the fuck out. And those are in the words of Cody. I’m not much of a drinker or doing anything harmful to my body because that ruins my muscle development, but once Jared reminds me of that one specific rumour, all my morals fly out the window.
“Go get ‘em, Parker!” My Coach gives my rear a slight slap before I hit the field. Pulling my headgear over my face, I get into position. I look up at my opponent, a big violently built guy. And now is the time to fear for my life. I might be well built, but I’m not some crazy bodybuilding freak like this one, but it’s no time to back out. I can’t when everyone in the stands are watching us and waiting for the big win. The rumour has embarrassed me enough, I don’t need this to, too.
Cody calls out numbers and snaps the ball. I run forwards as far and fast as my feet can take me. I occasionally look back to see if Nick’s ready to pass the ball to my open hands, yet watching everywhere else around me to avoid any tacklers. Nick’s sees me open and takes a long shot in my direction. I’m too focused on receiving the ball that I don’t see anyone charge at me in full force until I feel it. I feel my forearm snap and a loud cry leaving my mouth, the crowd’s gasp mixing with the referee’s whistle.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” I breathe heavily, my other arm holding my excruciatingly painful arm tightly while I hiss in pain.
I see the shadows overcrowd as my teammates look closer to inspect and give a distasteful moan. “Ooh, that’s gotta hurt.”
“You fucking think?!” I scream at them, just as the paramedics and Coach Hunter kneel beside me, shooing away the others.
I groan when the paramedics lightly squeeze different parts of my arm. “Fractured arm. We’re going to have to take you to the hospital, alright?”
“Collin,” Coach sighs worriedly. “We can handle it, okay? Just go get healed as fast as you can before football season ends.” He nods to the paramedics who take the pleasure of lifting me up on a gurney.
Well, isn’t this just embarrassing? Not only did I miss the obvious pass and get tackled, I also broken a fucking bone and am being pulled across the field in a stretcher. How fucking great.
-------
My x-ray scans show the middle of my forearm with a black crack as thick as a fine point Sharpie marker’s lining.
“A month.”
“What?!” I yell at the doctor.
He gently wraps fibreglass around my arm and looks up at me through his thick-rimmed glasses. “I know this will interfere with football, but you’re going to have to stay off of any physical activity for thirty days. If not, you’ll feel the pain and the healing process will be disrupted.”
I groan in frustration. It’s just pure bad luck to get a broken bone during football season and in the middle of a game. Leave it to God to grant me this beautiful incident.
The game finished a few hours ago and most of my buddies are here to support me. I don’t know what for, but at least I have company. We won the game and as happy as I should be, I’m not. I guess it’s because they won without me. I’m sure it’s because I wasn’t there. I’m slacking again and Coach Hunter and the others aren’t appreciating it. At least they got a break from me and won. It would’ve been nice if I were the one to score the winning touchdown, but the credit goes to Clay.
The guys and I have been sitting in my room for a few minutes after the doctor has left. Christina shows up, acting like a worried girlfriend, as if she has a right to. Nick threatens her to leave, lifting a fist to her face, and she squeaks, scurrying off to wherever. I know Nick, and Nick would never hit a girl.
It feels like normal again. Like before they found out about my sexuality. I like it like this, all calm and joking with laughter that isn’t laced with tension. That only lasts a good twenty minutes before Jamie shows up at the door. His face screws up with distress and terror as he sees Jared and the rest. Lifting his gaze to me, he asks quietly, “Can I talk to you? Privately?”
I nod at the others and they say their goodbye’s before departing to the parties. I look back at Jamie, straight-faced. “Yeah?”
He takes slow steps forwards until he reaches the side of my bed. He avoids my any eye contact with me, preferring to stare at the bed sheets. “So what happened out there?”
“I got tackled and broke my bone. Next question.”
“Don’t be such an asshole. I thought you died or something. I was worried.”
“Who cares?” I shrug off. “You definitely shouldn’t.”
“Yeah, I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”
I don’t know what to say to that. No, wait, scratch that. I have a million things to say to that, starting with telling him that he’s hurting me by lying to me that he cares. I still like him, I find out after hearing him express his worries about me. I don’t want to like him, but I do, just as he shouldn’t care, but he says he does. Not that I believe him, but it’s a good comparison.
I shift my weight to get more comfortable and my injured arm – completed with a cast signed by all my teammates – lifts to tuck a blanket under. Jamie flinches harshly and backs away at my action.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Jamie. I would never hurt you.”
He finally looks into my eyes, giving my full access to his emotions. I can feel misery radiating from his eyes. “Then why do you let Jared?”
I don’t answer that. I don’t even try to answer it. I don’t want Jamie to know why. To know that I let Jared hurt him because it’s my version of payback for the pain Jamie has put me – and still puts me – through. No one knows that, and I won’t let anyone find out. I guess I’m just heartless that way.
“We can be friends.” Jamie suggests. “Like hang out and stuff, without all the abuse.”
I look at him with a blank stare. “No, I don’t want to be friends.”
“Why not?”
“It’d be easier on me if we weren’t.”
“Why do you make things so complicated?”
I laugh dryly. “Looks who’s talking. The boy who knows I have a crush on him, denies being gay, kills my feelings, and comes back with a boyfriend.”
“What?” Jamie looks at me wide-eyed.
“Heard you got a boyfriend.” I say, focusing all my attention towards a loose string on the hospital’s blanket. Truthfully, that string is the last thing on my mind.
“I guess, yeah.”
I suck in a short breath air, gulping down nothing, feeling like my Adam’s apple is keeping me from properly breathing. My lungs hurt, my heart, my whole chest hurts. “Oh,” Tears prickle at my eyes and my nose strings. My throat feels swollen. “You have a boyfriend.” I verify for my sake, because fuck, I don’t feel like being alive right about now.
“Y-yeah.” he confirms. “His name’s Tay–”
“Do you want me gone, is that what you want?” I cut in. “Like all dead, corpse lying in a coffin, name engraved on my tombstone–”
“What the hell, Collin?” Jamie interrupts. “Don’t talk like that. I don’t want you gone! I like you better alive.”
“Then you must be sadistic, yeah?”
“What?”
My hands clench into fists by my side, reluctant tears sneakily slipping out from under my eyes. “You like hurting me.”
“What about you, huh?” Jamie growls with ferocity. “You like watching your friend beat me up every-fucking-day?”
I abruptly sit up, ignoring the pain in my arm, and stare into Jamie’s eyes. My eyebrows scrunch up above my burning eyes. “I love you and you know that, telling me we can’t even try a relationship because you’re not gay. ‘I’M NOT GAY, COLLIN!’ Remember that, Jamie? You always screamed it at me. I remember it because it’s been etched into the very core of my fucking brain. I can’t let go of you, no matter how fucking hard I try, and then I hear that you have a boyfriend?!”
“It’s not like that!” Jamie screams back, two meters from my bed. “My boyfriend doesn’t have friends that abuse me on a regular basis!”
I slump against my bed, tears not even straining to hold back. I turn my head away from Jamie, whispering, “To bad painkillers can’t get rid of emotional agony.”
-------
I’m off of school for a week. It’s recommended that I get bed rest and treat my arm lightly. My mom takes all precautions, treating me like the little child she thinks I am, believing that I’m not capable of taking care of myself. She says that dad will be home in two days, and how he’s disappointed about my arm. No, he’s not worried, but disappointed. On the bright side, he’s not as angry as I suspected he would be.
“Hey, Collin. Here’s your homework.” A light thump sounds from the other side of my room as Jamie makes his rounds of dropping off my work from school. I don’t respond to him. I keep my back facing him, pretending he doesn’t exist. I can’t love someone who doesn’t exist.
“Fine, don’t talk to me.” Jamie mumbles. “Just stop being a jerk, and get over yourself.” With that he leaves me to my silent room, suddenly so empty and blank, like how I feel.
It’s you I have to get over.
I stay in my room, contemplating what it holds. How it holds everything that illustrates my life; pictures of memories from when I was a baby up until now wedged between my mirror’s frame, my collection of comic strips that I cut out from the daily newspaper and kept in a shoe box when I was in elementary school, my stash of Playgirl hidden in the closet, oh the irony. This room holds my life and yet, I don’t want to be here. As childish as this may sound, Jamie has tainted my room with his sadism, the room that holds my life. Every time I go somewhere, something will let my mind trace it back to Jamie. And now my room has the power to do that.
-------
I sneak out of my house, careful about passing my mother who’s in the kitchen, annoying one of our maids by constantly asking questions about the food that’s being cooked. Once I get passed the front door, the hard part is done and all I have to do now is go somewhere where I’ll feel free, not that it’s hard since I felt trapped in my room.
I end up at Peggy’s Ice Cream Shop only four blocks down. I absently poke the icescream in the cup with my spoon while I start people-watching. It somewhat calms my nerves. That is, until I begin to notice that I’m judging people’s appearance based on how much they resemble Jamie.
And God starts mocking me when he summons Jamie to pass by the park located across the street. He’s with another boy, I’m guessing his boyfriend. Jamie’s wearing blue jeans and a red polo shirt that clashes with the black skinny jeans and a tight bright yellow shirt his boyfriend is wearing. His boyfriend’s black fringe is longer than the rest of his hair and it’s covering half his face. How he sees through that, I’ll never know.
To my displeasure, Jamie spots me and smiles wide, tugging his boyfriend’s hand as they approach me. Jamie and his boyfriend reach me before I have a chance to run out of there.
“Hey, Collin!” Jamie says in a vibrant tone. Must be because he’s with his other half. His beloved. His full heart. His lover. “I dropped off your homework, but you weren’t there and your mom started freaking out, and I decided to leave before she started to integrate me.”
I release a grunt in reply, not bothering to acknowledge Jamie’s boyfriend.
“This!” Jamie gestures widely with his arms. “Is Taylor.”
“’Sup?” I nod. I feel so awkward and unattractive with this stupid, colourful cast on my fucking arm. Without it, I could’ve pulled off looking intimidating.
“Hey,” Taylor replies, still holding hands with Jamie, which I am very aware of.
“You know,” I say, shoving my hands in my jeans pocket, and looking at Taylor. “Jamie will fuck you up, too. If you start to fall for him, you’re giving him full control to fuck you over.”
“What the fuck, Collin?” Jamie growls. He lets go of Taylor’s hand and clutches onto his arm, pulling him away from me as if I’ll convince Taylor how horrible Jamie is.
I shrug apathetically. “You’ll slowly turn suicidal and emo.” I give Taylor’s clothes another glance. “Though, I think you got emo all perfect so far.”
“Such a fucking asshole.” Jamie mutters before grabbing Taylor’s arm and dragging him down the sidewalk. “Sorry, about him, he’s just . . .” His voice disappears in the distance as he explains why I’m an asshole. No, he can’t properly explain it because he doesn’t know why. He might, but he wouldn’t tell Taylor the truth. I’m sure he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his boyfriend.
But why am I doing this? All I’m doing is pushing Jamie away. Is that what I want? To push him away so that it’ll make it easier for me to get over him? Will it make it easier to get over him if I pushed him away? I don’t know what to do. Right now would be a great time for God to bring me a friend to listen and help me solve my problem.