Dead Wrong

It had been two months; two months since that night. And in those two months a lot had changed. Some for the better and some for the worse. I guess that you really don't know what you have until it's gone. Those little things that seem almost insignificant in the grand scheme of things, at least until they disappear.

Jack and I had been living in his great, great grandfather's old place, and we had fixed it up quite a bit. Jack had been working day in and day out to clean the dust and cob webs off everything, fix some of the leaking pipes, and trying to make it feel like home. Jack had managed to get a job at the diner which provided a little bit of money for the time being, at least enough to get the water running, and to pay electric bills. Yet, we were still tight for money.

That wasn't the only thing that changed. After my fight with Jezebel I seemed stronger. Not physically, but mentally. I was now able to control my abilities. Now only letting in who I wanted and when. I had decided to almost shut it off entirely. I don't like the feeling of being able to sense everyone else around me. Now, I could focus on myself instead of others. I feel like that is invading someone's privacy. Jack swore that it didn't bother him if I was tuned into him, but I can't bring myself to do that. I told him that it's better this way. Even in perfect relationships, secrets must exist, otherwise they fall apart. Please tell me that makes sense.

I was lying down on the bed, when Jack came home from work. I could hear the stairs creek as he walked up them.
"Hey baby" he said. He was wearing his diner outfit still. He walked over to the bed and sat down next to me. I loved how he came home smelling like pancakes. He ran his fingers through my hair. Even though things had calmed down I was still numb inside. Maybe not as numb as before, yet still almost as if I was lost in thought. I never really got up to do much, and nothing seemed to interest me anymore. I could tell that it worried Jack. I know he wants me to be happy but I'm just not. I'm still trying to make sense of what my life has become. For now I'm living in silence, for the first time.
"Please talk to me Lilly"
"Why?" I said in monotone.
"Because, I want to know what's going on in your mind"
"Nothing is"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing" I said getting annoyed at the constant asking. I just kind of wanted to be alone. I don't want to talk about anything, that wouldn't help. I feel that there is a huge hole in my heart, and nothing can fill it.

"It's been two months and you've barely said a word" I shrugged my shoulders. Here we go again.
"Lilly please come on all you do is mope around the house and sleep"
"So"
"You can't expect me to not be worried" I looked at his wings. I couldn't feel them only see them. After the fight they had blackened and fringed. He had become fallen. As it turned out after I had been condemned to hell for certain things that I had done with Jezebel and killing him I was to spend forever after I died as his replacement. A guardian angel's job is to keep their person out of hell, if they do however then the angel if they chose to stay with them (which they most always do) then they become fallen. And their job changes to escorting them to hell.

I don't know what happens when they deliver them to hell. But maybe they stay there with them, and burn forever.
"Lilly, please." Jack said a bit louder snapping me out of my haze. My blank eyes stared back at him.
"Have you even gotten out of bed today?"
"No."
"It's almost five."
"I don't care."
"Take a shower with me?"
"Sure" I said sitting up. My long black hair that went half was down my back swayed as I walked. Jack and I still have sex. I didn't really feel anything; I just kind of did it to make him happy. I didn't feel much of anything anymore. Not sad, not mad, not happy, and not loving. Just there. I followed Jack into the master bathroom. He stripped out of his uniform and turned on the water. I traced my finger down his bare chest. Jack stepped in and I then took off my clothes and got it also.
"You're beautiful" Jack said placing his hands on my boney sides. I wrapped my arms around his neck, but keep my lips pressed together. He licked his lips before pressing them against mine. Our lips moved together as his hands caressed my body. He pressed me against the wall of the shower pinning my hands to the sides. His lips moved from my lips to my neck.
"Uh, ah" I moaned as his teeth nipped a tender spot. Jack sighed and let go of my wrist.
"Do you want to do this?" Again I just shrugged my shoulders.
"Uh, I can't do this if you're just going to stand there."
"I don't care Jack."
"I do, it's not the same if you're not into it too."
"Whatever." I said brushing my wet hair back. Jack put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I love you." he whispered in my ear.
"Yeah" I just couldn't bring myself to say it back. I just didn't feel like talking much anymore. Jack turned off the water and put a towel around his waist. He continued to put a towel around my waist. I followed him out of the shower and back into the bed room. Jack laid down on the bed and motioned me over. I laid down next to him and he brushed my hair. His kissed my temple lightly, and stroked my cheek.
"I miss your smile" a tear slid down my face. I would just start crying for now reason, that being the only show of emotion.
"Please don't cry, I just want to know what's wrong"
"I don't know" I said feeling more tears coming. I just want to make Jack happy. I don't understand why I feel like this, I've just become so numb. Dead, with out emotion or anything, just a heart beating. I don't care about anything anymore; Jack looked into my eyes, which were now dull. Jack looked at me like I was think beautiful, glowing angel sent from the heavens, something I for sure was not. Yet, as if pretending to see something entirely different from what I saw everyday when I looked in the mirror, instead.
"You're beautiful."
"No I'm not."
"Yes, you are" he insisted. I shook my head. What is he seeing? When I look in the mirror now, I don't see what I used to. I see someone who isn't good enough. Some days I was too thin, some days I swore I was too fat. Some days my face was too dull, otherwise it was my hair. According to Jack I had lost more weight. He insisted that I need to eat, and that I was becoming emaciated.
"Have you eaten today?"
"No."
"Come on I brought something back from the diner you should eat." Jack would always bring home pastries and other things from the diner that was left over from the end of his shift.
"NO!"
"Why not I'll get fat"
"No you won't please just go and eat something"
"Fine" I said getting up and tying my hair back into a pony tail and walking down the stairs. Jack came down here after me. He went over the cabinet and pulled out a large honey bun. He set it in front of me. I looked at the glazed substance and imagined all the fat and calories in it.
"Eat Lilly." He said standing next to me.
"I am." I said taking a fork and eating a bit. It was sweet, and I almost regretted refusing it. I swallowed and stuck out my tongue showing Jack that I really did eat it. Jack smiled. I ate about half of it before I pushed it away.
"Happy?" I asked.
"Yes."
"I'm going up stairs, so leave me alone." I said getting up and going back up stairs. Jack listened and stayed downstairs. I looked in the aged mirror.
"Ugh, I'm going to get fat" I muttered to myself looking at my stomach in the mirror. I most likely just ate 100's of calories. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I licked my lips and felt my heart jump. It was either do this or get fat. I don't like doing this, but I just don't want to get fat, and another part of me feels like I deserve this in some twisted way. The world does not want me to be happy why should I fight it anymore? With a deep breath I walked over to the toilet, brushing my hair to the side before leaned over it. Taking my shaking hands I stuck two fingers down my throat till I felt myself gag. I couldn't stop now. I keep pushing back farther until I could feel the contents of my stomach rising, before I pulled my fingers out quickly and tried my best to not make much noise. It tasted horrible. With another breath I pushed my fingers back again. Once I knew my stomach was empty and there was no chance of that horrid thing making me fat, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I felt dizzy and my heart was fluttering. I used some mouthwash, and spit it out in the sink. Before leaving I checked my breath and then opened the door, then looked around to see if Jack was up here.

I walked back down stairs. Jack was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. The headline of the paper was something about a new tea shop opening up. Jack flipped that page and to the crime section. One of the articles caught my eye.

"Still no sign of missing boys"

"Jack!" I said pointing to it.
"Hmmm..." he began to read.
"The two boys who went missing roughly two months ago have still not been found Raphael and Jack are believed to be dead after an investigation of Raphael's house held a disturbing scene, where his mother was found brutally murdered and dismembered." I shut my eyes remembering the horrid site.
"They are believed to be victims of the serial killer who claimed 20+ victims some of which have still not been identified."
"Well at least they won't be looking for us now." Jack said closing the paper. I just keep staring ahead. I didn't have to hear those words again to remember the scene, and the feeling of my heart breaking. No, I remembered that scene far to well, everyday and ever night. I couldn't get away from it, for so long I was tied down by other's emotions. It wasn't until I was alone in my head that I had to deal with my own. And how do you escape something that's inside of you? How do you get rid of something that you bring on?
"I'm sorry baby." he added, sympathetically.
"I doesn't matter anymore, there's nothing we can do. It's over."
"I know, but it's still sad. I just want you to be okay."
"I am." I lied. I'd always wanted it to be just Jack and I but now our happily ever after had gone horribly wrong. How could something I had envisioned to be perfect, turn out to be my worst nightmare? This was hell.